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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner interferes when I’m playing with our son.

87 replies

PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:29

When he okays with our son, I let him be so they can have time alone between them. We play as a family. When I’m playing with our son, he always jumps in. Like today, I was chasing him from room to room when my partner jumped out and took over. My son then lost interest in playing with me. I think it’s important we both have an opportunity to play with him separately and together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:31

Oh, also. When our son has fallen and hurt himself and I’ve gone to comfort him. My partner sweeps him up quickly as possible to comfort him. I’ve explained why I’d like to do this as a mother sometimes but doesn’t seem like it’s getting through.

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 03/12/2022 10:32

Such a strange thing to be annoyed about tbh

Arewenearly · 03/12/2022 10:35

It really is not such a strange thing to be annoyed about, don't be an arse.

Have you spoken to your partner and explained how you feel? That he's undermining you and how would he feel if the situation was reversed?

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:35

@OnlyFannys which is your view and I appreciate your contribution. What is strange about it?

OP posts:
Winterscomingagain · 03/12/2022 10:35

It should be a partnership and your partner is overwhelming you. Something which should be natural and almost unthought of is difficult for you as a result. I'd raise the issue with your partner.

Aprilx · 03/12/2022 10:36

Perhaps your partner likes to comfort him as a father. Confused

upfucked · 03/12/2022 10:37

Sounds like you are unhappy with something and the obvious thing to do is to communicate that. Have you spoken to your partner?

Prinnny · 03/12/2022 10:38

It’s not normal to be jealous of your partner playing with his child or comforting him. How would you feel if he felt this way about you?

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:40

Thanks for all of your contributions. It’s not about jealousy. It’s more about, what someone here mentioned, undermining me. Jumping in and doing everything before I even get a chance and taking over without asking. It undermines my role as a parent. So of course it is upsetting. I’ve mentioned it and he said he wouldn’t like it if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 03/12/2022 10:41

Arewenearly · 03/12/2022 10:35

It really is not such a strange thing to be annoyed about, don't be an arse.

Have you spoken to your partner and explained how you feel? That he's undermining you and how would he feel if the situation was reversed?

How is it being an arse? I do find it strange that a person doesnt want their partner to join in playing with their child. I was a single parent (not by choice) so perhaps that's why I find it odd as I never had any help or support, I would have loved someone to help with things like playing all the time and comforting them when they are sick or injured.

crussont · 03/12/2022 10:41

Are either of you at home with your son in the day etc?

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2022 10:42

Sounds like he’s making it a competition. You’ve spoken to him and said you don’t like it, why does he still do it?

bellac11 · 03/12/2022 10:42

You present as if your child belongs to you. It seems more about you to be honest.

bellac11 · 03/12/2022 10:44

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2022 10:42

Sounds like he’s making it a competition. You’ve spoken to him and said you don’t like it, why does he still do it?

Presumably because OP is not the boss of him?

I wouldnt tolerate someone telling me when I can play with or connect with my child and join in

Blocked · 03/12/2022 10:45

Is your partner the child's father?

Aprilx · 03/12/2022 10:45

PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:40

Thanks for all of your contributions. It’s not about jealousy. It’s more about, what someone here mentioned, undermining me. Jumping in and doing everything before I even get a chance and taking over without asking. It undermines my role as a parent. So of course it is upsetting. I’ve mentioned it and he said he wouldn’t like it if the roles were reversed.

I don’t know if he undermines you in other ways, but th e two things you have mentioned, him joining in play and picking up his child when he falls, is definitely not undermining you.

willithappen · 03/12/2022 10:45

I wouldn't say that's interfering if I'm honest. He's a father and is actively showing interest in playing and caring for his child which is how it should be. Trust me, if he wasn't doing this you'd be just as annoyed because you'd feel he wasn't doing anything

I think talking to him about how you feel and saying you want some time with your child on your own, however it's fantastic for a child to play with both parents at the same time. Children go through phases of being more interested in one parent than the other and that's normal as well so if he shows more interest playing with your partner then just try keep involved

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:45

@Cherrysoup i do feel as though he’s competing and I find it unhealthy. I said it doesn’t matter who does what but we should also be entitled to our own time with him. It’s not what’s being done it’s how.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/12/2022 10:54

Who looks after your child during the day? Is one of you a SAHP or only working part time?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/12/2022 10:54

I think joining in playing is a nice thing to do! Surely there must be other times where there is 1 to 1 time. When one is at work or out of the house? About when he is hurt, if you are already giving him cuddles and he comes and takes him from you I would just be saying no and not letting him. If he is just reaching him before you then surely you're both just acting on parental instinct?

Of course there may be more to it that can't be seen through what you've written or a feeling you're getting but if these are the only things that are bothering you perhaps you are both just being attentive parents.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 03/12/2022 10:56

If he was taking your child from your arms to comfort him that would be weird. But dropping everything at the sound of a distressed child and happening to get their first is not weird. Leaving the child to cry in the hope that you respond would be awful.

The fact you even see it as a race is not great.

I can somewhat see what you mean about playing but a simple game that's evolved that your partner sees is fun and wants in on should be totally normal.

If you really crave time alone with your son then make specific time for that. But a date in the diary for a day out together or let him stay up late when your partner is out one evening.

Parenting is not a competition and family life should be the three of you interacting together as standard.

bellac11 · 03/12/2022 10:57

PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:45

@Cherrysoup i do feel as though he’s competing and I find it unhealthy. I said it doesn’t matter who does what but we should also be entitled to our own time with him. It’s not what’s being done it’s how.

You sound possessive of your child.

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:03

No, sometimes it’s about stepping aside and allowing time alone. My son was bf from the beginning and because he was with me all of the time. I, upon the request of his father made more time for them alone to bond and spend time together as I think it’s important. However, now it’s as though he’s just taken over. I’ve been comforting our son before and he’s lifted him from my arms before. I’m not making it a competition, my partner is which is what bothers me. The undermining is also, when my son wants me instead of him, he undermines me by saying oh it’s the milk he’s after. I think without proper context I cannot provide my side correctly which this topic isn’t for Mumsnet on this occasion.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 03/12/2022 11:03

Does this happen every time?

My ex did this and everyone I spoke with thought I was over-reacting until people clocked that it was every single time.

Everytime I played a game he jumped in and made it louder/higher/rowdier. Every time I was comforting them he’d swoop in. Even down to if I was chatting with them while they were eating he’d swoop in with spoon aeroplanes and the likes.

Yet his time with them was his and absolutely not to be interrupted.

Its horrible. You feel like you get absolutely no time to do anything nice with your children.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/12/2022 11:06

Sounds like he is jealous and wants to undermine your parenting. Call him out when he does it 'Daddy's taking over again'.