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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner interferes when I’m playing with our son.

87 replies

PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:29

When he okays with our son, I let him be so they can have time alone between them. We play as a family. When I’m playing with our son, he always jumps in. Like today, I was chasing him from room to room when my partner jumped out and took over. My son then lost interest in playing with me. I think it’s important we both have an opportunity to play with him separately and together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:10

@JustLyra yes, this is exactly my experience. Including the mealtimes. It’s not about being jealous and reducing my experience so such. It’s more about respect and not competing with each other. It’s frustrating and unfair I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:13

@bellac11 im not sure how you got this from what I wrote. Baffled 😕

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/12/2022 11:16

PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:45

@Cherrysoup i do feel as though he’s competing and I find it unhealthy. I said it doesn’t matter who does what but we should also be entitled to our own time with him. It’s not what’s being done it’s how.

Well take him out on your own then. Tbh you do cone across as a bit weird about it, so I'm going with yabu.

Purpleguitar · 03/12/2022 11:18

Do you or your DH work? Who is with your DS during the day?

If you're at home with him during the day, I completely understand why your DH wants to spend time with his son when he's home.

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:19

@RedHelenB so do you think it’s normal to pull a child from the other parent because you want to comfort them instead of waiting patiently. That saying my child only wants me because of the milk? How is that weird? Wouldn’t be be the weird one no?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 03/12/2022 11:20

Why did you start a thread if you're just arguing with people who see it differently to you?

Gazelda · 03/12/2022 11:21

How old is your DS?
Do you both work full time?

My DH and I both went through stages of not being confident of our bond with DC. Both have been the 'favoured' parent at some point and both have used the other parent as a model how to play and interact with DC.

Could he perhaps feel excluded from your games and closeness and be trying to copy you as a means of building a stronger bond

CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 11:21

From the examples you’ve given I can’t see an issue and actually think it’s you that is competing, not him.

If I’m playing a run around game then I would expect other household members to want to join in.

If he’s fallen over then I think it would be odd if he didn’t rush over and if you are outside then it’s normal to pick him up and carry him instead of making you do it.

I do wonder if this is your issue and you’re a bit controlling, as he is doing what I would have thought you would do if it was the other way around.

If they were playing a running around game would you not join in?

If your son fell over would you not go and comfort him if his dad was already there?

Sirzy · 03/12/2022 11:21

Sounds like he is parenting his child. I think from the examples you have given there could be a degree of you feeling like you’re in competition with him. He has two loving parents who want to help him and that’s fantStic.

LondonWolf · 03/12/2022 11:24

PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 10:31

Oh, also. When our son has fallen and hurt himself and I’ve gone to comfort him. My partner sweeps him up quickly as possible to comfort him. I’ve explained why I’d like to do this as a mother sometimes but doesn’t seem like it’s getting through.

My ex was like this. If one of the kids made a sound at night he'd leap to his feet and pretty much shove me aside in order to be first to get to them. Only in the early evening mind, before we'd gone to bed ourselves. After he was asleep, if one of the kids stirred it was crickets from him. Annoying as fuck.

Squashpocket · 03/12/2022 11:26

Op yanbu. Mumsnet is mental sometimes.

Imagine a mother came in and took the child away from the father every time he comforted the child or interfered with every game or said 'oh he only wants you because you play football with him' or whatever. It's horribly undermining.

Your partner sounds terribly insecure and immature. Call him out on it every time. Equally you need to be careful that you're not undermining him. I think dads scan feel a bit useless in the pre-school years, but he'll come in to his own as your son grows.

FictionalCharacter · 03/12/2022 11:28

Are people deliberately misinterpreting what the OP is saying? She isn't saying she doesn't want him to play with their child or comfort him. He consistently swoops in and takes over, he even takes the child out of her arms, and he says the child only wants her for milk! How insulting is that?
This isn't normal at all. Sounds like he wants to weaken the bond between mother and child, and be "favourite parent".

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:28

@bellac11 it’s not argumentative to ask a counter question. I’m asking questions
is learning to see something from someone else’s perspective no?

I guess this is a topic where you either agree or you don’t. You have experienced it or you haven’t.

thanks for all contributions !

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:30

@FictionalCharacter thanks for actually reading what I wrote. It is insulting to say that and that’s exactly how I feel. That he is desperate to be the favourite parent. He’s mentioned that DS favours me and my response was for now as I’m aware this can change as he grows and also he loves us both equally.

I do feel MN is being particularly harsh on this occasion but I’m sure others have their reasons. I’m not looking for validation. Just some support.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/12/2022 11:40

Op who looks after your son day to day. That makes a big difference to how you are feeling

toomuchlaundry · 03/12/2022 11:45

A parent shouldn’t take the child out of the other parent’s arms when the child is already being comforted. That is a control thing. Or takeover a game. Join in fine, but not takeover

RandomPerson42 · 03/12/2022 11:51

I agree, your partner is out of order imho - they should never take him out of your arms for example. Never.

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:57

@sweeneytoddsrazor we both work full time. He goes to nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:57

@toomuchlaundry exactly and apparently I’m the controlling one for mentioning it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 11:59

@RandomPerson42 i don’t do that to him. I think it’s a respect thing. Once my partner comforts our child. I don’t feel the need to do the same after unless he asks me to. He feels the need to either take him, take over the game entirely with me being pushed out or making statements to make me feel less important.

OP posts:
CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 12:09

take over the game entirely with me being pushed out

So if you are playing a board game or painting with just you and your DS.

Will DH come and take your pieces off you and tell you to go and do something else?

Or is he just joining in?

If it’s the first, do you not just say no I was doing it too so you can join in but I’m not going to stop?

For me this sounds like a parent who wants to join in with whatever their child is doing, rather than being the only parent allowed to do it.

If my child was doing something eg playing a board game or painting and I’m at home doing nothing.
I would really struggle to go and sit in a different room doing my own thing.
I would want to be involved or at least be involved because that’s what I feel I should do to be a good parent.

Again, if my child hurts themselves. I would struggle with not doing anything to comfort them.

Original poster
PurpleRayne89 · 03/12/2022 12:12

@CarefreeMe a board game is specific tho isn’t it. No, if we are playing with instruments, he would take the ukelele for instance and play it instead. It’s not once or twice, it’s all
of the time.

he comforts our child but taking him from my arms to do so is a step too far. I feel you picked parts to respond to and didn’t read my entire complaint.

OP posts:
willithappen · 03/12/2022 12:22

OP come on now don't start a thread asking if you are being unreasonable and then argue back with every single point.

Have you told partner how you feel? Does he take your child from your arms every time or just a couple of occasions?

greenerfingers · 03/12/2022 12:24

Sorry OP some people purposefully read what they want to read. You don't sound possessive at all or jealous. I'd feel the same as you if someone kept interfering in everything I did. It's irritating and a nuisance. I also noticed I did this to my partner with our first born but realised what I was doing before he said anything and reigned it in. It's almost like this obsessive control but not meaning it to be. He probably just can't contain himself but really needs to try. Just say look 30 mins leave us be will you and have some mummy time or perhaps when your partner works? That way weekends can just be fully family time. It's nice he's so hands on though which is a real plus.

itwasntmetho · 03/12/2022 12:25

People are projecting their own things on to you, you have said you don’t interfere when father and son are playing, you have said that he admits that he wouldn’t like it if the exact same was done to him.
he is being a douche, it may have come from genuine insecurity but you’ve pointed it out now and he’s still doing it despite admitting he wouldn’t like it. The milk comment is nasty why is he frightened that the boy might sometimes want you?