To ask you for your small petty wins

[OgdensGoneNutFlake]

Reading another thread about house prices and I wondered AIBU to ask you for your small petty wins in life?

Not those big, long-con revenges that require loads of planning, just the small moments when the universe served up someone or something what they deserved?

I can't think of any that aren't quite outing at the moment but I'll have a think.

@inthedeepshade puts bowls and pans facing down on the bottom so that the water can't reach the top shelf and all the glasses and coffee cups come out filthy. I've tried to explain but he gets very annoyed with me
I have often put pans and bowls facing down on the bottom for over 40 years and never had a dirty glass 🤔

That is wonderful! You're a genius.

@PortiasBiscuit and @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan - respect!

Oooh I had a good one just this morning, another driving one!

Hard to explain without a diagram but on our high street there’s a junction that’s controlled by traffic lights and there’s a sort of terrace street that runs parallel to it which you can kind of use as a short cut to skip the queue for the lights, but you have to time it right. If the main junction is green then the shortcut will be red and vice versa. Nine times out of ten I find it’s just better to wait in the main queue instead of trying to be clever.

Anyway, this morning my husband was turning from a side street onto the high street and this maniac comes speeding out of the side street opposite, driving on the wrong side of the road, cuts up our car so that my husband has to slam on the brakes, and goes whizzing off ahead of us. We see him go swerving off down the ‘shortcut way’ of course because he’s far too busy and in a hurry to queue at the lights with the rest of us suckers.

Except he’s timed it wrong so 10 seconds later we and the rest of the mugs are sailing through the green lights on our side while he sits fuming at a red light on his. I gave a smug little cackle as we passed him.

In general I find it silly when people drive like they’re in such a great hurry and need to overtake everyone, tailgate you when you dare to drive at the actual speed limit, push in front at every opportunity and zoom through every amber light. It seems like such a stressful way to drive and by the time they’ve stopped at the same lights and encountered all the same obstructions along their journeys I’d wager that they only ever actually turn up at their destinations about a minute earlier than the rest of us who drive calmly!

This is my favourite so far, well done!

I agree with you and @Hoppinggreen and think it's likely that someone may not be getting their bins emptied properly from now on! 😜

No, it isn't just you. I can certify that this is objectively hilarious 😆😆I bet you will treasure that moment for years.

I wonder what response you'll get from the family in future when you're all in the car together and you ask, "Is anyone going to open the gate, or shall I..." as you delicately lift one butt cheek in readiness.

It depends on the design of your dishwasher. There are various places where squirty jets can be located. I expect yours has a squirter underneath the top rack pointing upward at the undersides of the glasses, so you can get away with being very cavalier about how you load the bottom rack 😆

I hadn't had my car long so was a fairly new driver. Driving back to work one lunchtime and on to a 40mph road.

Car comes up behind me far too close and obviously itching to overtake but was unable to. I was doing 40mph so wasn't driving slowly and he was intimidating to a newish driver. Finally he revs up loudly, swerves out, cuts in sharply and disappears round a bend out of sight.

The road had been recently tarred and chipped so there were still a few loose chips about.

He comes into view as I came around the bend and there he was, shattered windscreen glass all over the bonnet, standing there just staring at the mess. Oh how I laughed.

This is the 70s, so no mobile phones to call anyone out. He would have to walk to the nearest phone box which was a distance away.

Twat!!

Only the taps!! I used to clean the toilet with my ex-husband’s toothbrush 😆

We have a very cheap, crappy dishwasher. Trust me when I say that months of trial and error have proven my "correct" method of loading it!

Years ago, when I was a temp, I had a director that called temp staff the "scum of the earth" and was an absolute cunt us.

There was an occasion when he was coming down the stairs and three of us were waiting for him before we went up (very narrow staircase). He thanked the first two people for waiting (not temps) and just gave me a filthy look.

A few years after I left that job, I was walking into a restaurant and he was coming in behind me. I didn't hold the door open for him.

So unbelievably petty but it made me feel momentarily better. I doubt he even recognised me. 🤣

A couple of months ago, I was driving along a 30mph road in a short queue of cars stuck behind someone who was driving very hesitantly and wouldn't go above 20mph.

An arsehole pulls up behind me and he's giving it the works - tailgating, flashing his lights, clearly shouting and swearing. Obviously I can't speed up or go anywhere so I ignore him as best I can.

After another mile or so, the road splits into two lanes at a set of traffic lights and he immediately pulls out into the other lane, just as Slow Driver indicates and pulls into the same lane. I laughed out loud as I drove away from the lights, leaving Arsehole stuck behind the ditherer. Instant karma.

Oh, and speaking of instant karma:

A couple of weeks ago, DH was being snippy and argumentative for no reason. The dog was mithering him to play so he picked up a squeaky toy and threw it harder than necessary, it hit the floor at a funny angle and bounced backward, smacking him in the face.

Hilarious. Thankfully he saw the funny side and it snapped him out of his bad mood, too.

This isn’t mine but a friends. Families leaving a firework display along a narrow canal towpath in dark. Man rudely pushing past and deliberately hitting prams with his walking stick. So friend stopped with their pram so rude man could pass. He stepped to wrong side and fell in canal. Someone did help him out.

Walking to Magic Kingdom at Disneyworld from nearby hotel. There was a path. Park wasn’t even open yet, it was really early morning. A woman pushing a massive double jogging stroller with 2 older children in it (5 or 6 year olds) comes up behind at speed and rudely pushes past - I had to grab my child out of way. A few meters ahead she steers the massive stroller off the path and it tips upside down. I let out a loud laugh. She shouted at her husband (not sure why it was his fault) - the children were both ok.

I was asked to co-host a community event recently. Got there and discovered several mums from our old primary school had been asked too, so we were all catching up when two of the primary school teachers came up beaming and saying hello, as they'd been asked to help too. One of them was a savage bully who picked on an SEN child each year (my child one year, a friend's the following year - she was known for it.) I warmly said hello to the nice teacher and blanked the bully. But I got a big kick out of the fact that all the other ex-mums did the same one by one. They'd clearly disliked her too and now they had no child in her care, could be as cool to her as they wanted. She looked really shocked. Petty, but she shouldn't have set my son back by a year and made him terrified of school and bullied him for being physically weak.

If DH annoys me I hang up his wet T-shirts to dry with the middle bit folded over slightly so it dries with a lovely centre crease

This is the best thread I've read in ages! Especially love the car ones.

I've found my people 😂

I have another car one for you, then.

Someone (okay, I'll say it: a man in an Audi) came screeching up behind me on a 40mph dual carriageway, right on a long blind bend. There were a few cars in front of me and we were all driving at the speed limit. Audi Guy pulled into the inside lane and roared past us all, though he clearly didn't stop to ask himself why that lane was so empty.

We rounded the corner, nobody would let Audi Guy back in and he found himself stuck in the filter lane for the motorway slip road. Byeeee... 👋

I came through the arrivals gates at Schiphol airport with a tall floppy haired Dutch guy. He was nice enough, but all Dutch blokes are tall and floppy haired, so I thought nothing of it. A whole load of women started squeaking and yelling "Ruud". Next to them was a tiny bald guy wearing a Leeds shirt. He muttered "fucking Manchester United twat". Nice floppy haired Dutch guy was Ruud van Niistelrooy.

Arse. Wrong thread.

Parked in the CoOp car park after shopping with a raging screaming baby in the back. Went to leave but was blocked in by a delivery van who had plenty of options to park elsewhere. I politely asked them to move but they refused until they'd made the delivery, and was quite stroppy with it. So I called the CoOp and reported the incident. Got a nice email back explaining the company had been repimanded. A small and petty victory.

Many years ago I worked for an awful bully of a man. One of the things I was tasked with was having a new company logo designed. Luckily, one of my friends was a graphic designer and I asked him to do the work. We made part of the logo look like an ejaculating penis. It's not obvious and he must never have twigged because the logo is still very much in use. Makes me chuckle whenever I see it.

This happened to a lot of people and I felt petty revenge even though I didn't know them.