My dad won't contribute as much to my wedding as he did to my sister's because....

[malificent7]

Apparently he has spent more on me over the years?

Now i am bloody grateful to be getting any money and i feel like telling him to stick his money tbh. I am just hurt that he has kept tabs.

My dsis went to private school for 2 more years than me ( i hated it so i'm not jealous) but I think he has spent about the same on us both.

He contributed some money when i went to uni as i was battling an eating disorder and severe mh problems so couldnt workuch whilst studying but I have always worked afterwards. I paid rent when i had to move home for 6 months as a single mum....so i havn't taken the piss and am now fully financially independent.Paid for my own house deposit like an adult etc!

I think he feels he has got a better return on his contribution for my sister as she earns 6 figures and so does her dh. I am on a lower salary.

My wedding will be a lot more modest than hers anyway...very low key. I just told him that he should have kept a spreadsheet over the years if he feels that resentful!

You sound very ungrateful. I have had significantly less over the ears than my sister has. I love my parents and wouldn’t for one second resent them for not giving me the same ! They give me more than enough!

This is a wind up right?

I'm not sure it's about being ungrateful. More about feeling equal to your sister. Seems a shame for him to have kept tabs of money over the years. However it does sound like he has been generous to you both.

My sister has had much more than me over the years, and has gone on to “do better”. She’s bought two houses with the help & is getting a new extension.

I just don’t concern myself... Asked my mother about the extension & she just blanked the question. Our weddings were quite different as well, hers was bigger!

Well I agree with an above poster. I can see how it's about feeling equal, being treated equally rather than being ungrateful. And subsequently possibly being felt less loved (sometimes)

I never got married and probably never will. I never asked if my mum and/dad contributed towards my sister's as I don't want to get into stuff that might make me feel shit. But then I do feel mum loves her more

While you sound ungrateful, the return on investment comment your dad made was extremely hurtful so it’s no wonder you are upset. The amount of financial support I’ve had from my parents as an adult is £0. My parents have supported some of my other siblings more but it comes at a price and I value my independence more than their contribution so am not jealous in the slightest.

If you wanted money for unexpected financial difficulty that would affect your ability to get essentials such as food, housing and transport, then that’s one thing. But a contribution to a wedding is a privilege- so now you know where you stand. At least he’s contributing a little bit. Also finances for everyone is harder at the moment so he might just not have the money to contribute the same as he did for your sister.

I think he feels he has got a better return on his contribution for my sister as she earns 6 figures and so does her dh. I am on a lower salary.

YANBU. Sounds like this is the issue. You feel he values your sister more because of how her life turned out compared to yours. I'd also feel hurt OP and I get very little financially from my parents. If your sister is on a huge salary and had a flashy wedding it's very unkind for him to make a point of contributing less to yours.

You deserve less for being an ungrateful brat

I have sisters. All have been helped financially over the years (uni fees paid, weddings, houses, holidays, savings accounts for the kids). I’ve had nothing (I once asked for help for a car and got laughed at).

It sucks. It’s not even about money. It’s about equality.

I could say something but it’s pointless. Besides as I said to my sister once: I won’t be helping to look after our parents when they’re old. They made their beds they can lie in them. 🤷‍♀️

That said op it does sound like your father has been generous to you and has helped over the years. I do think you’re being a wee bit ungrateful.

So how has this conversation come about?

How did he broach the subject?

I don't think OP sounds ungrateful, I think she sounds hurt. Being given less than your sibling IS hurtful. Feeling like your parent, who is supposed to love you unconditionally, has been going through your life with a calculator in their pocket and totting things up every time they interact with you IS hurtful. Isn't it!?

You might feel that he thinks that, but couldn't that be tied up with how YOU feel in comparison to your sister?

If he gave her money for a wedding, that's hardly a case for a "return on investment".

I have to say that I think he's fair in giving equal sums of money, regardless of your successes. My parents have been scrupulously equal in financial support for all of their children.

And life doles out it's own inequalities. I earn more than my sister, but she has a better pension, her university fees were a fraction of mine, and she got a better stamp duty deal.

Imagine being in your sister's shoes if she had been told "you can't have an equal amount of money because I have to support your sister". I imagine she'd feel less loved.

OP hasn't been given less. He's tried to give the same, at different times and for different reasons.

How much is he offering you? It’s a gift, accept it or decline it. You’re old enough to have a teen, you’ve been with your fiancé a long time, I think it’s your fiancés second wedding. Make plans the two of you can afford and graciously accept any kind gifts towards it.

I don’t know what my parents have given any of my siblings for their weddings, I don’t care.

Tbh if you’ve spoken to him in the tone you’re taking here he may change his mind about giving you a penny.

We paid for our own wedding but assuming he can easily afford it then I think he should spend the same on your wedding as he did on your sister's. Nowt you can do about it though, it's his call.

Whilst I don't agree with your sense of entitlement OP (you sound ungrateful) - I do think all kids should be treated the same. I can't imagine treating one child differently from the other. This happened to my DH. His dad have his 2 other siblings 20k, promised to give him the same but never did. DH earns a big salary so doesn't need it and never challenged it but has felt hurt about being treated differently.

So you want to be treated equally but you are pushed off he has kept a record of how much he has spent on each of you so that he can treat you equally?

Well to be honest, if your wedding is going to be smaller and low key why should he pay out ? Hold your head up high , have a bit of pride in your independence , have the wedding you want, and remember that when he is in his dotage and needs his bottom wiped you are going to let your sister have first dibs on that one too.

My mum kept a record after I turned 18. Cost me £10k when I got married at 28 and insisted the “black book” was cleared. I didn’t find out about it until I was about 25 when one of my brothers got his bill. The money included my wedding dress she said was a gift and her perceived value of her old car she let me have (literally £1k over market value). I don’t accept anything from her anymore and I try never to ask for even the most trivial of things. When I was pregnant with DS I was at her house, I had heartburn asked if she could get some antacid from the shop (she was going anyway), from what I recall she asked for a little over £5 or so. When I go to my mother in laws I’m allowed free antacid, what a treat. Some parents are shit.

I am sorry to hear that you suffered from an eating disorder. That is miserable, but well done for combatting it. Many people do not realise how serious the odds are. I am also sorry to hear that your father sees the financial support he gave you at this time as something that should be offset against wedding costs, instead of an inherent part of being a loving and responsible parent. I think that, without demanding he change his decision, you should tell him how hurt you feel.

Private school, supported through Uni, money towards a wedding-what did your sister have that you haven't?

@malificent7 - are you guessing his thoughts or did he actually say about the return on investment.

if you and him just disagree on the total amount of support given to you and your sister over your lives, then perhaps the difference is not that great? In these cases, perhaps it is best to give him the benefit of doubt? Do you think the total amounts are far off being equal?

I'm probably being a bit ungrateful...i don't really want the money...i think it's just that he has been keeping mental tabs on how much he has spent on each of us...bizarre!

He paid for my sister's dress...which would pay for my whole wedding.

I was out of action economically for a year as i had a breakdown...well i still held down a job in a shop but not enough to pay rent.