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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad won't contribute as much to my wedding as he did to my sister's because....

79 replies

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 14:24

Apparently he has spent more on me over the years?

Now i am bloody grateful to be getting any money and i feel like telling him to stick his money tbh. I am just hurt that he has kept tabs.

My dsis went to private school for 2 more years than me ( i hated it so i'm not jealous) but I think he has spent about the same on us both.

He contributed some money when i went to uni as i was battling an eating disorder and severe mh problems so couldnt workuch whilst studying but I have always worked afterwards. I paid rent when i had to move home for 6 months as a single mum....so i havn't taken the piss and am now fully financially independent.Paid for my own house deposit like an adult etc!

I think he feels he has got a better return on his contribution for my sister as she earns 6 figures and so does her dh. I am on a lower salary.

My wedding will be a lot more modest than hers anyway...very low key. I just told him that he should have kept a spreadsheet over the years if he feels that resentful!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:26

I might just say that i don't want the cash anyway.

OP posts:
GelPens1 · 02/12/2022 15:30

I don’t understand why you having an eating disorder cost your dad a lot of money. Unless you’re not British and don’t have the NHS for treatment. I had an ED in my late teens and my parents didn’t give me money at Uni. They also didn’t pay for my therapy or other treatment (NHS because I was severe). You sound very childish and bitter towards your sister. I bet if we heard from her, she’d say that you had your parents’ full attention when you had an ED and she was ignored.

Flapjackquack · 02/12/2022 15:39

GelPens1 · 02/12/2022 15:30

I don’t understand why you having an eating disorder cost your dad a lot of money. Unless you’re not British and don’t have the NHS for treatment. I had an ED in my late teens and my parents didn’t give me money at Uni. They also didn’t pay for my therapy or other treatment (NHS because I was severe). You sound very childish and bitter towards your sister. I bet if we heard from her, she’d say that you had your parents’ full attention when you had an ED and she was ignored.

What a mean post. You realise not everyone with the same illness has the same experience right? MH treatment is a postcode lottery. Maybe OP was unable to access therapy as she wasn’t severe enough, or the waitlist was long and given they obviously had the means it was basic decency of the parents to pay for therapy. Maybe the OP couldn’t work at the lowest points. Why would her sister be jealous? Who would willingly wish they had an ED to get their parents attention? One of my siblings has several allergies, it took up a lot of my parents time growing up as he needed lots of hospital appts and would have reactions and need to go to hospital. Was I jealous? Not for a second. Why would I want to be ill.

CovertImage · 02/12/2022 15:41

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:03

I'm probably being a bit ungrateful...i don't really want the money...i think it's just that he has been keeping mental tabs on how much he has spent on each of us...bizarre!

But maybe he's done this to make sure it's fair, which appears to be what your complaint is about

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:42

I am far from bitter towards my sister...we get on great. I'm very proud of her. It wasn't just an eating disorder...lots of other issues such as BPD, PTSD after abuse and now getting assessed for ASD...very complicated ..me. i think the doctors told my parents they thought i'd permanently lost my mind. I hadn't.

I have no idea what ££ my parents spent at this time as i was in hospital.

OP posts:
GelPens1 · 02/12/2022 15:49

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:42

I am far from bitter towards my sister...we get on great. I'm very proud of her. It wasn't just an eating disorder...lots of other issues such as BPD, PTSD after abuse and now getting assessed for ASD...very complicated ..me. i think the doctors told my parents they thought i'd permanently lost my mind. I hadn't.

I have no idea what ££ my parents spent at this time as i was in hospital.

I had an ED and chronic PTSD from being SA. My parents and doctors thought each day was going to be my last. You have my sympathy there. I didn’t go private but maybe your dad had the money to spend on expensive treatment. My parents attention was mainly on me and not my siblings, but thankfully it hasn’t ruined our relationships. Some people end up with broken relationships.

It’s good that you have a good relationship with your sister. You just came across as very bitter and jealous of your sister. Maybe your dad has spent a lot more money on you over the years compared to your sister. To save arguments, you should probably pay for everything.

Pipsquiggle · 02/12/2022 15:51

Blimey. Sounds like your DF is not a very empathetic person.

I guess he feels he might have subsidised you when you were going through your MH crises.

It does sound a bit bat shit though - your sister had 2 more years of private education, earns more money, she gets an expensive wedding dress (the equivalent of which would pay for your more modest wedding) - therefore you DF feels like he should spend less on you.

I don't understand his logic TBH

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 16:03

Tbh i just feel an equal amount to her for the wedding would be "fair" but i think having no more contributions would be a lot easier!

OP posts:
Resembleflower · 02/12/2022 16:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Bluevases · 02/12/2022 16:39

I'm so sorry OP, you sound really hurt. It must be very painful to feel less valued than a sibling, whether or not that is actually what your DF intends. Flowers

Resembleflower · 02/12/2022 16:39

Sorry op I’ve reported my post, I meant to start a separate post!

ThisGirlNever · 02/12/2022 16:58

My mother played major favourites with my older brother. Everything he did was amazing. Everything I did was compared unfavourably to what he did. He could do no wrong. I was told off even when he was clearly in the wrong.

It's not nice to be on the receiving end of that treatment.

Since I finished university I've supported myself. I was offered money for my wedding and turned it down. I was offered money to help buy my house and turned it down. There would have been strings or it would have been held over me as something I 'owed'.

If you don't desperately need the money, and it's causing you stress, just don't bother. Have a slightly cheaper wedding and make all the decisions yourself.

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 19:05

Thanks for the responses. I really shouldn't expect anything really and I feel so much better now I am more disrant from him.

There is a huge complicated history. He even bangs on about his partner's daughter's achievements more than mine.

I don't want him walking me down the isle as I don't like the tradition of being given away anyway....there is a lot of hurt there tbh.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 19:45

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 19:05

Thanks for the responses. I really shouldn't expect anything really and I feel so much better now I am more disrant from him.

There is a huge complicated history. He even bangs on about his partner's daughter's achievements more than mine.

I don't want him walking me down the isle as I don't like the tradition of being given away anyway....there is a lot of hurt there tbh.

So you don't have a great relationship but stick around because he has money Confused

Rumplestrumpet · 02/12/2022 20:02

I admit reading your first post I thought you were being unreasonable. But I think it's clear from your subsequent posts that this isn't really about the money, it just represents something bigger :

You suffered a lot in your teenage years and early adulthood and have come through that - far better than th doctors expected. That's amazing. Rather than being proud of you, your father has made you feel like a burden. He seems to value the "traditional" achievements of others (your sister and step-sister) over yours, and that really hurts.

With this in mind I don't think you're ungrateful, but be careful because it can come across that way. Think hard about how you communicate with him about it - whether you accept that money or not.

Have you considered some more therapy? It's impossible for us to know how much of your viewpoint accurately reflects your father's feelings, and how much is your projection if your fears and insecurities. It's often a good idea to check in with professional support to work through feelings like this.

Either way, congrats on your wedding, I hope you're very happy

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 20:37

I havn't stuck around because of the money. I've stuck around for my dd....she loves him dearly.
He does bang on about how her and her dh are very wealthy at times. Tbh, I don't really care anymore. I don't think he loves her more tbh but I did put him and my late mum through the mill with my issues. So i think there is a lot of resentment in that respect.

It has been very hard to forge a career with my mh issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 20:37

I am on the waiting list for therapy...again!

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 02/12/2022 21:05

So you think he has spent the same on you both to date, but he has already also agreed to give you some money towards your wedding? So he will then have spent more on you than your sister? But the amount he's offered isn't enough for you think he should be giving you even more?
I'm confused how you can think you are being anything other than unreasonable?

OliveWah · 02/12/2022 21:16

I don't think YABU OP, I think it's the unfairness and the comparison to your DSis that's the issue for you, rather than the money itself.

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 21:20

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 16:03

Tbh i just feel an equal amount to her for the wedding would be "fair" but i think having no more contributions would be a lot easier!

But if your wedding won't cost anyway near hers, do you want him to pay for your wedding then just give you the difference in cash?

HollaHolla · 02/12/2022 21:34

I get it, OP. It’s not about the cash, it’s about the fact they’ve kept track, and then cast it up. I would be super hurt too.

I am the only one of my siblings unmarried, and childless. We all had support through Uni (although I went on to do higher degrees), and both siblings had some contributions to their weddings. I know my parents enjoy spoiling my nephews and niece. On balance, Ive had help with (failed) fertility treatment, and help to buy a car when I was a student, and just working in a bar. I’m sure it’s probably balanced out along the way - and I know that the house/cash is to be split evenly when they eventually die. I do know that, should I ever eventually get married (not on the horizon!), I’ll get something as a contribution.

I know I’d be very upset - as would my sister & brother - if we were told that there was a proper count being kept; and if we were told that it was cast up to us. I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel ‘less than’ by your family, and hope that you have a lovely wedding nonetheless.

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 22:02

I think i'm hurt as he made a huge deal about how he had paid soooooo much more for me over the years than my sister. I got my treatment on the nhs so I don't know where that came

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 22:03

From*

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 02/12/2022 22:18

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 22:02

I think i'm hurt as he made a huge deal about how he had paid soooooo much more for me over the years than my sister. I got my treatment on the nhs so I don't know where that came

Your dad sounds like an arse OP. Imagine totting up costs from when your child was seriously ill then using it against them to get out of giving the same amount as the golden child.

HeckyPeck · 02/12/2022 22:19

latetothefisting · 02/12/2022 21:05

So you think he has spent the same on you both to date, but he has already also agreed to give you some money towards your wedding? So he will then have spent more on you than your sister? But the amount he's offered isn't enough for you think he should be giving you even more?
I'm confused how you can think you are being anything other than unreasonable?

But he's counting cost incurred when she was seriously ill in hospital.

What kind of parent does that?!

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