Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad won't contribute as much to my wedding as he did to my sister's because....

79 replies

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 14:24

Apparently he has spent more on me over the years?

Now i am bloody grateful to be getting any money and i feel like telling him to stick his money tbh. I am just hurt that he has kept tabs.

My dsis went to private school for 2 more years than me ( i hated it so i'm not jealous) but I think he has spent about the same on us both.

He contributed some money when i went to uni as i was battling an eating disorder and severe mh problems so couldnt workuch whilst studying but I have always worked afterwards. I paid rent when i had to move home for 6 months as a single mum....so i havn't taken the piss and am now fully financially independent.Paid for my own house deposit like an adult etc!

I think he feels he has got a better return on his contribution for my sister as she earns 6 figures and so does her dh. I am on a lower salary.

My wedding will be a lot more modest than hers anyway...very low key. I just told him that he should have kept a spreadsheet over the years if he feels that resentful!

OP posts:
Genevieva · 02/12/2022 15:05

@diddl from reading the OP - two more years of private schooling and a larger contribution towards her wedding despite having more disposable income.

The OP's father seems to be pushing the OP for having suffered from a debilitating eating disorder at a time when she was still a student and legally dependent on him (students of normal undergraduate university age (18-22) are deemed by the government to be the dependents of their parents).

Genevieva · 02/12/2022 15:06

*punishing

LBFseBrom · 02/12/2022 15:09

I can't tell from what you write whether or not you are being unreasonable; on balance I think you may be.

It appears that your dad has done his best to help you and your sister financially over the years and 'having a good return' doesn't enter into it.

There is also the possibility that your dad now has to be more careful with his money than he did in the past.

Surely when he eventually dies, you and sister will inherit whatever he leaves between you.

Don't fall out over this, it's not worth it. You only have one father and he obviously loves you. Please also do not resent your sister for apparently 'getting more' at various times, that happens and is not her fault.

You'll have a lovely wedding, just as you want it. Come on here and share it with us.

Flapjackquack · 02/12/2022 15:09

You are going to get a roasting on here because the prevailing opinion on Mumsnet is that once your are 18 you should be expected to stand on your own two feet and your parents should spend their money however they want even if that means they heavily favouring one child over another.

It sounds like it may be a case of your sister being the golden child which has created resentment. If that’s the case you have my sympathy. I am firmly of the opinions parents shouldn’t play favourites. I would do whatever you can to make sure you don’t take any more money from Dad, he is obviously bitter about the support he has given in the past.

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:09

I don't feel like a good return on investment. He didn't say it but the hint is there.

When i had the breakdown the doctors told my parents i would. never get better in which case I would have cost them a lot more.

As it happens i did get better, trained and worked as a teacher and now ahp. He has never hinted that he's proud of me for overcoming huge obstacles...only that I have cost him lots of money which he clearly resents.

When I got ill he said he shouldnt have sent me to private school hence return on investment idea.

OP posts:
Interviewnamechange · 02/12/2022 15:11

I read that message in the voice of every typical spoilt brat character.

really? You need to grow up. Who cares what your siblings got, be greatful they are giving you any.

NoelNoNoel · 02/12/2022 15:12

Decide if you want to accept whatever financial help you are being offered towards your wedding (I’m assuming you are going to accept it) and move on.
It sounds as if he’s already helped you loads and you sound a half empty type of person.

TiddleyWink · 02/12/2022 15:12

Remember OP, this is mumsnet where expecting your parents to treat you equally with your siblings and not demonstrate tangible favouritism makes you a wicked, thieving, grabby and selfish monster 🙄

Didn’t you know, decent people don’t bat an eyelid when their siblings are handed far more than they are for no apparent reason, and simply swoon in gratitude for any crumbs they’re offered. Because some people don’t get anything, you know.

Back in the real world, anyone would be hurt by this so YANBU.

Flapjackquack · 02/12/2022 15:13

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:09

I don't feel like a good return on investment. He didn't say it but the hint is there.

When i had the breakdown the doctors told my parents i would. never get better in which case I would have cost them a lot more.

As it happens i did get better, trained and worked as a teacher and now ahp. He has never hinted that he's proud of me for overcoming huge obstacles...only that I have cost him lots of money which he clearly resents.

When I got ill he said he shouldnt have sent me to private school hence return on investment idea.

Oh OP, this is horrible, poor you. Children should not be valued on a “return on investment” basis.

defi · 02/12/2022 15:14

So this is how the other half live. If I was him
I wouldn't give you anything. Spoilt rotten

girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 15:14

You're hurt that he kept tabs but you've kept tabs

catandcoffee · 02/12/2022 15:16

You've got a choice OP take what's offered , or refuse any financial help from him again.

Be very proud of your accomplishments OP
yes, it's nice to get praise, so praise yourself....you deserve it. 👏

Original poster
malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:16

I suppose we both have! I don't want the money anymore anyway...I'd fell lighter if i paid myself.

OP posts:
dolor · 02/12/2022 15:17

LOL what an ungrateful brat.

NoelNoNoel · 02/12/2022 15:18

How old are you OP?

ladydimitrescu · 02/12/2022 15:18

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:09

I don't feel like a good return on investment. He didn't say it but the hint is there.

When i had the breakdown the doctors told my parents i would. never get better in which case I would have cost them a lot more.

As it happens i did get better, trained and worked as a teacher and now ahp. He has never hinted that he's proud of me for overcoming huge obstacles...only that I have cost him lots of money which he clearly resents.

When I got ill he said he shouldnt have sent me to private school hence return on investment idea.

Doctors told your parents you'd never recover from a breakdown?? Really? Hmm

caringcarer · 02/12/2022 15:19

I think it is very hurtful when parents give more to one child than another. My parents have us all the same in value, always. My dh's parents did not. They treated eldest son like a God and younger 2 sons lesser. DH went all through his Childhood like this. Eldest son got bigger and better Xmas and birthday gifts, went on more school trips etc. As an adult he has not forgotten. Ironically it is 2 younger sons who make the effort to visit his parents, help them out financially etc. Eldest not been in touch for over 12 years. I would not be surprised if he inherited from them though.

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 15:19

girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 15:14

You're hurt that he kept tabs but you've kept tabs

This! And it feels very childish and immature.
"If I don't get what she did I don't want ANYTHING!"
Did your sister work through uni? It also sounds like you expect a celebration because you paid your own rent at one point?

RishisProudMum · 02/12/2022 15:21

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:03

I'm probably being a bit ungrateful...i don't really want the money...i think it's just that he has been keeping mental tabs on how much he has spent on each of us...bizarre!

You think it’s bizarre he’s ‘kept tabs’ on how much he’s spent on each of you and wants it to be roughly equal…but you’re upset because you’ve kept tabs on how much he’s spent on each of you and don’t think it’s equal.

Bizarre, indeed.

Namenic · 02/12/2022 15:21

I can understand parents wanting to be fair. I mean, let’s say 1 kid has trouble at a certain time - parent helps them. Then parent has a squeeze in finances, but child 2 is in trouble. Is child 2 going to complain that it is not ‘fair’ that their parent can’t help?

for this reason - namely that we cannot know the future, some parents may want to keep some sort of tab - and even it out when they are able (so the discrepancy doesn’t get too great).

on the other hand, some people think that parents should help kids out more if times are hard (and support well earning, independent children less).

both ways (equal amounts vs enabling each child to have a reasonable lifestyle despite unpredictable difficulties) can be seen as fair. I guess provided my parent didn’t show obvious favouritism, I’d try and keep a good relationship and give them the benefit of doubt.

diddl · 02/12/2022 15:23

So you've never felt that your dad has been proud of you & this just reinforces that?

Does he talk a lot about your sister & what she has done?

TiddleyWink · 02/12/2022 15:23

defi · 02/12/2022 15:14

So this is how the other half live. If I was him
I wouldn't give you anything. Spoilt rotten

Your post just drips with bitterness and jealousy. A lot of people get some parental help through life, it’s really not that unusual. The people who attack anyone on MN for being upset by things like this seem generally to just be incredibly bitter and eaten up with jealousy that they haven’t had any parental help and possibly can’t move past that to consider what it must feel like if there is family help available but the sibling has been given way more than they have. I bet 99% of those posters would be thoroughly pissed off and not all sweetly grateful that they got anything at all, like they tell others to be!!

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg, it usually is. Unequal treatment by parents can be hugely damaging and it’s very depressing to see someone who has experienced that being told she’s a brat and to shut up. Would you say that to people who have experienced other forms of ill treatment? Try having some empathy?

Lollypop701 · 02/12/2022 15:24

get Hard hat on op, this is the place where any family help whatsoever is absolutely not to be expected, any help given should be swooned over and you should be grateful.

on the other hand all the stuff about golden child /scapegoat and go lc … mn can’t make its mind up!!!

anyway, Fuck that, I’m all about fairness with my kids… which doesn’t always mean equal but is there or there abouts. I wouldn’t devalue my kids in this way and don’t blame you for your response. I wouldn’t take the money, I’d have a low key wedding and tell him that you hope this balances the books

gamerchick · 02/12/2022 15:24

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 15:16

I suppose we both have! I don't want the money anymore anyway...I'd fell lighter if i paid myself.

Then do that. Pay for it yourself and keep any money he gives you to one side. When the wedding is over, give him it back saying you didn't need it after all. You'll feel better for it.

Ponderingwindow · 02/12/2022 15:26

It’s not uncommon for parents to have specific equal savings accounts to help get children launched into adulthood. One child might need help buying a car because the chosen career training requires a reliable vehicle, another might want money towards a house deposit, while someone else might value a big wedding. It wouldn’t be unfair to distribute those funds based on the lives of the individuals.

Swipe left for the next trending thread