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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH finding it hard to talk to the baby?!?!

89 replies

Userwhatevernumber · 02/12/2022 08:52

Baby ds is 7mths and I’ve been back at work full time for a month. DH and I shared parental leave so now he’s on his six months. So he’s at home with DS Mon-Fri except for a few hours Monday and Friday afternoons when my parents take him. DS has a place to start at a day-nursery in April when he is 1 when DH goes back to work. DH is from a different nationality and speaks another language.

Doing the shared parental leave thing wasn’t a decision that was easy and it really broke my heart going back so soon especially as I am still breastfeeding, (so having to express) but we decided it was best in the end - firstly because financially this was the way we could maximize income with parental leave - I am the higher earner and I don’t get anything after 8 months and it went down after 4 months, and We are really trying to save for a house or bigger place (we are in one bed flat so hoping to move next year) and secondly, because we both really liked the idea of DH being able to expose DS fully to his language during the day when he is still young, as in the evenings and weekends he tends to resort back to English as I’m not fluent in his language, so this would give DS a foundation of exposure which was really important to both of us. So I’m the times when I’m pining for my baby when I’m at work in the day, I’m comforted by the fact that he is with his daddy, and hearing lots of Portuguese which is good for him.

Fast forward to this week, DH is saying that he wants to see if we can bring forward the nursery to start at the beginning of January and he wants to go back to work 3 months earlier than planned. He said that he’s not enjoying being at home with DS and that he’s really struggling to speak to him at all, let alone in Portuguese. He said that sometimes he doesn’t know what to say to DS because it’s just feeding, nappy changing, going out for walks etc and sometimes a whole day goes by and he has hardly said anything to DS at all and he’s feeling like the arrangement isn’t working, he thinks that it will be easier when DS is older and able to talk back.

it really upset me to hear this as I find talking to my baby - during all those things, feeding, bathing, etc so natural and easy and when I was on my maternity it never even came into my mind that it would be difficult to talk to my child. I really don’t want to bring the nursery forward as I think at 8/9 months he will still be so small to be in full-time childcare (although I know some don’t have the choice) and I also really thought it would be good for our son to have 6months with his daddy where the main language would be Portuguese as once he starts nursery and then later school, he won’t have this opportunity. But I don’t want DH to be unhappy either.

We need to make the decision very soon, and I’m really disappointed that DH is saying this. AIBU to think that he IBU?

OP posts:

AnxiousAuntie89 · 02/12/2022 08:58

Poor little boy! That is really sad! I don't know if going back to work will help because it sounds like it's a lack of a bond that's really the issue.

Are there any activities that your OH might enjoy that he can do with the baby? A swimming class, music class, sensory play class? I assume you have lots of Portuguese picture books he can read with him? Do they go out on walks? There's always something to talk about on walks because the scenery is forever changing.

ChrisTrepidation · 02/12/2022 09:05

What a sad post. He wants to bring forward his child's nursery start because he can't be bothered to speak to him?

What did he think having a small baby would be like? Was he expecting full blown conversations or something?

I would be very disappointed in him and he'd be getting told no way to the earlier nursery start. He's being pathetic!

My husband was shit at talking to our little twins. He's now an ex husband. Our relationship never recovered from him being such a shit dad.

ChrisTrepidation · 02/12/2022 09:06

Also how does he expect your baby to pick up language and grow his brain if he doesn't speak to him??

RandomMusings7 · 02/12/2022 09:07

I think you have two different issues.

The putting baby in nursery 3 months sooner - I think it's quite shitty for your husband to go back on your agreement. He needs to get on with it.

The finding it hard to talk to baby - I don't think that's unreasonable of him. It's going to become more natural as baby develops language and becomes more interactive. I don't think there's much language acquisition going on at 7 months. So as long as baby is adequately cared for while with husband I don't think it matters that there's not much blabbering going on.

Boooooot · 02/12/2022 09:10

It’s completely ok for him to realise that being a stay at home parent isn’t for him. We would be empowering a mother posting saying she was struggling with staying at home to be going back to work if that’s what made her happy.

Sometimes it isn’t natural to talk to babies, I think particularly men.

Pastash · 02/12/2022 09:10

The baby is such a short time away from understanding language though!
About 10 months they begin to understand ‘arms up’ ‘pass it to me’ etc
Exposure to a language in the first year of life is really important if they are ever going to adopt it as a primary language- if he doesn’t speak it now then the baby isn’t going to pick it up as well- it will be a second language.

I know you’ve said about finances but is it possible for you to take those final three months if he isn’t going to step up to the plate?

Hillrunning · 02/12/2022 09:12

I find it really hard to talk to babies. I have to force myslef. I feel like an idiot though. He jsut needs practice. Get him to start simply narrating everything he is doing. Then build on that by talking about what will happen next.

Toddlerteaplease · 02/12/2022 09:12

Absolutely agree with @Boooooot

JennyForeigner · 02/12/2022 09:12

Your husband needs to push through this, and is being a bit of a dick not to try. Narrating and burbling away to them is a core parenting skill. It comes with practice.

thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 09:13

I think DH needs to give it a bit more time.

I also think it can be very isolating staying home with a baby with no adult company as they don't do much and aren't exactly very interactive.

Are there are any classes he could join for SAHD's or men on paternity leave? A lot of these things are aimed at women which doesn't help much either.

RedHelenB · 02/12/2022 09:15

Boooooot · 02/12/2022 09:10

Sometimes it isn’t natural to talk to babies, I think particularly men.

This. Suggest he sings nursery rhymes, songs his mum sang him when nappy changing etc. Also, a running commentary of what he is doing in Portugese. " we've changed your nappy, now let's button your vest up and put your trousers back on"

Beamur · 02/12/2022 09:15

Your baby will be fine at nursery at 8/9 months and maybe in a more stimulating environment. Maybe rather than full time at first, your DH could try having him for maybe a couple of half days? It sounds like he's struggling with the monotony of childcare. Not everyone is good at babies, although it must be disappointing for you to discover your DH is one of those people. I'd put the language issue aside for now.

Merrow · 02/12/2022 09:16

I just narrated my entire life. I didn't find it came naturally to talk to DS, but I knew for language development it was important so I just went on the world's most boring monologue! And read a ton of books. So reassure him it doesn't need to feel natural, he just needs to get over feeling like an idiot.

Tiredallofthetime · 02/12/2022 09:16

Woah — plenty of posts from women here over the years who decided maternity leave wasn’t all that and they wanted to return to work early!

CaptainMerica · 02/12/2022 09:17

Firstly, that is shit of him, and so unfair that you missed out on the chance to have those months when he doesn't even want them. And also shit that he is giving up and deciding this is not a job he needs to do.

However - I also initially found it hard talking to my first DS when he was a baby. I knew it was important, but it didn't come naturally at all. My mum suggested reading to him lots, and that's what I did, and I think that really helped while I got used to it.

Also, my DH shared part of my leave, and did find some parts hard. The support I found from groups etc just wasn't the same for him. Also 6 to 8 months was the stage I found hardest - constant mashing carrots then cleaning them off the floor, etc.

So, YANBU, but it is good he is being honest and maybe you can discuss the problem and suggest ways to make it easier for him, rather than him giving up?

thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 09:21

ChrisTrepidation · 02/12/2022 09:05

What a sad post. He wants to bring forward his child's nursery start because he can't be bothered to speak to him?

What did he think having a small baby would be like? Was he expecting full blown conversations or something?

I would be very disappointed in him and he'd be getting told no way to the earlier nursery start. He's being pathetic!

My husband was shit at talking to our little twins. He's now an ex husband. Our relationship never recovered from him being such a shit dad.

I don't it's the OP's post that's the sad one.

Talk about a lack of empathy and understanding! Being a stay at home parent isn't for everyone and he's not a shit dad because he's realised it's not for him.

Any woman that posts about how they're struggling on maternity leave gets a heap load of sympathy and told that it's perfectly okay to put their child in nursery and go back to work. Being home all day with a small baby is hard work - or is that only the case if it's the mother at home

Or maybe you think they're all shit parents too?

BerkLily35 · 02/12/2022 09:21

I found it really hard being on mat leave past the 3 months mark, and couldn't wait to go back to work. My partner would hate being stuck at home too, although we are thinking he could take parental leave when our son is older.
Our son started nursery at 6 months and absolutely loved it from day 1, it was a much better environment for him and we all enjoy our evenings and weekends much more now.

PeekAtYou · 02/12/2022 09:21

I know your ds is 7 months but say he was 1 month old (because this is month 1 of daddy doing the childcare) and a woman was saying that they didn't know how to talk to a baby. Posters would be more likely to post encouragement and explain that the more you do it then the more natural it becomes and you stop feeling self conscious.
It sounds like your h needs a confidence boost and have it explained that it's fine to give a running commentary or talk about something random. The baby isn't really acquiring language yet but they are benefitting from the other aspect of conversation like learning to find daddy's voice soothing, enjoying the eye contact and attention... Baby won't be replying but he will be benefitting from the closeness that a conversation brings and if your h pays attention to baby's facial expression he may see a smile or look of concentration which is a reply of sorts. Does your h like music ? Has he brushed up on his nursery rhymes etc ? YouTube will probably have lyrics to any that he might have forgotten.

As for the January nursery return, that's between you and him. He won't be the first parent to under/over estimate how he'd cope being on leave- I don't think a mum who be judged for changing the amount of maternity she has planned vs how much she actually took. It is a difficult experience to prepare for.

Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 09:21

It's a tough one as he's NBU to not enjoy being a SAHP. Plenty of women don't enjoy that either. But given it means you cut your time off short, I'd be inclined to think he can just stick it out for three months more, which isn't really long in the grand scheme of things.

The talking, I think some people just find it hard to interact with little babies. My DH is a bit crap with small babies, but he and DD1(3) will talk for hours about all sorts of things. So it'll almost certainly come in time when it becomes more two-way. Maybe just suggest he narrate what he's doing or read some stories or something if he's struggling.

Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 09:22

Although thinking about it further, it's a bit of a sunk cost fallacy, isn't it? You aren't going to get the time at home back, so if DH isn't enjoying it then maybe nursery in Jan would be a good idea. Your time off is gone, annoying as that is, so him moping round at home doesn't change that.

Beamur · 02/12/2022 09:22

Our DD went to nursery at 9 months - on two days she did mornings and DH picked her up. He had the morning to work and they had the afternoon together, although she generally had a long nap after nursery! It worked for them. Maybe something like this would be good for your DH too?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/12/2022 09:23

I think you’re being a bit unfair- some people struggle with the baby stage, if it was the mother we’d all say for her mental health she should go back to work. He might thrive when your LOs a toddler.

BerkLily35 · 02/12/2022 09:25

Also I think the language/not knowing how to speak to the baby is likely a red herring. He just doesn't like being a stay at home parent.

SinnerBoy · 02/12/2022 09:30

It's not really difficult to talk to babies, I just used to give a running commentary on what I was doing. I read to her from early on. I took advice from my sister and cousins. When we went out, I'd be going "Wow! Cool motorbike, eh? Oh look, there's the grocer, shall we go in and get some raspberries? I'll press the button and wait for the green man, that's safest for crossing the road."

Etc etc, the possibilities are endless. Perhaps you could encourage him to do similarly?

MsRosley · 02/12/2022 09:30

Yeah, he's just bored, isn't he? Not stimulating enough for him. Poor baby.

That could apply to both kid and husband.

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