DH finding it hard to talk to the baby?!?!

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Baby ds is 7mths and I’ve been back at work full time for a month. DH and I shared parental leave so now he’s on his six months. So he’s at home with DS Mon-Fri except for a few hours Monday and Friday afternoons when my parents take him. DS has a place to start at a day-nursery in April when he is 1 when DH goes back to work. DH is from a different nationality and speaks another language.

Doing the shared parental leave thing wasn’t a decision that was easy and it really broke my heart going back so soon especially as I am still breastfeeding, (so having to express) but we decided it was best in the end - firstly because financially this was the way we could maximize income with parental leave - I am the higher earner and I don’t get anything after 8 months and it went down after 4 months, and We are really trying to save for a house or bigger place (we are in one bed flat so hoping to move next year) and secondly, because we both really liked the idea of DH being able to expose DS fully to his language during the day when he is still young, as in the evenings and weekends he tends to resort back to English as I’m not fluent in his language, so this would give DS a foundation of exposure which was really important to both of us. So I’m the times when I’m pining for my baby when I’m at work in the day, I’m comforted by the fact that he is with his daddy, and hearing lots of Portuguese which is good for him.

Fast forward to this week, DH is saying that he wants to see if we can bring forward the nursery to start at the beginning of January and he wants to go back to work 3 months earlier than planned. He said that he’s not enjoying being at home with DS and that he’s really struggling to speak to him at all, let alone in Portuguese. He said that sometimes he doesn’t know what to say to DS because it’s just feeding, nappy changing, going out for walks etc and sometimes a whole day goes by and he has hardly said anything to DS at all and he’s feeling like the arrangement isn’t working, he thinks that it will be easier when DS is older and able to talk back.

it really upset me to hear this as I find talking to my baby - during all those things, feeding, bathing, etc so natural and easy and when I was on my maternity it never even came into my mind that it would be difficult to talk to my child. I really don’t want to bring the nursery forward as I think at 8/9 months he will still be so small to be in full-time childcare (although I know some don’t have the choice) and I also really thought it would be good for our son to have 6months with his daddy where the main language would be Portuguese as once he starts nursery and then later school, he won’t have this opportunity. But I don’t want DH to be unhappy either.

We need to make the decision very soon, and I’m really disappointed that DH is saying this. AIBU to think that he IBU?

The other thing to bear in mind is that you could go back on shared parental leave at 9 months. I know you said you were the higher earner, but would it be financially possible for you to take the 3 months unpaid? Is it day to day living expenses that would be the struggle or more the savings you're trying to maximise?

I find the running commentary quite effortful. It's hard when you don't get anything back. I've much preferred reading books and singing songs, could that be an option for him?

Also I'm not sure how shared leave works- could you pick back up again and have more time off if he goes back to work? I thought it could be taken in different blocks like that?

To help with how to talk to the baby he needs to try going to some classes and watching other parents. He could so watch baby club on iplayer too. Regardless if he goes back to work earlier he needs to be able to develop his confidence with his child.

Oooooh he thought it was going to be a bit of a holiday didn’t he? Some nice relaxing time off work?

You made this decision between you as what was best for the family. He must have know you actually wanted to stay home with the baby. That being the case, he can’t just bring nursery forward because he’s gone off the idea.

Surely doing this would defeat part of the object, as nursery would cost money! Next it will be “oh well perhaps we can bring nursery forward but I’ll stay off work to do the pick ups…” if you’re not careful.He needs to push through and not be such a baby (the DH that is )

He needs to learn some Portuguese baby songs and accept this is anew skill to learn, that he will get better at with practice, not something that some people can just do and some can't. Giving up on communicating with your child is not an option.

Can you show him how you narrate and talk to the baby, you've had more practice but that head start shouldn't mean the job is yours for 18yrs.

I think it's good he's at least been open and admitted he's not enjoying it. Maybe he's depressed a bit? Or ashamed of himself for finding it hard?

I think with a baby it helps to structure the day so decide on somewhere to go in the morning, naptimes, mealtimes and play sessions etc. I think it's easier to manage that way. Can he find some Portuguese language baby videos online and sing the songs together? Find some objects and help the baby learn the name for them? Even just playing peekaboo?

What happens in this bit of SPL is one thing, I'd focus on the bond more than anything. Sounds like he doesn't know how to connect with the baby.

Sometimes it isn’t natural to talk to babies, I think particularly men.

Bollocks. He just can't be arsed. Fair enough that he goes back to work early if he wants (and the child will do fine in the nursery) but this is a bullshit excuse and is up there with 'I didn't notice it needed cleaning', 'you didn't tell me the washing needed doing' and 'I'm just not good at housework' - all said by men who want to get out of doing work they regard as women's work.

I wouldn't be breeding with him again, though.

If a mum was bot liking being a sahm we would encourage them to go back to work so why not the same? Maybe he just doesn't like being a sahd

Everyone I know who has a pet talks to their pet. It's natural. Communication between humans is also natural. Your DH just needs to observe how others do it and have a go himself.

I imagine it can be more isolating as a SAHD if he hasn't a network of other new parents to go and meet for more stimulation every day, and the dead of winter is way worse than the summer when walks are nicer and there's more going on. I think all the replies slagging him for 'not being arsed' are harsh. The baby stage is hard and plenty of women want to go back to work too. I don't think he must stick it out on some principle that a mother would (which is spurious anyway) and I think the talking to baby issue is a symptom of him just not liking it overall so I wouldn't fixate on that and the language side of things. He could be speaking Martian to the baby and it wouldn't be any more or less captivating. OP and her DH need to find a solution for themselves, but I don't see how sticking to the original plan is going to work if he wants out. Maybe there's some half-way compromise of part-time (for either parent) or a nanny/childminder, something less full on than straight into nursery until DC is a bit older.

It’s actually really good that he’s admitted to this and is doing something about it.
Your baby will be better off in nursery being talked to by their keyworker than at home hardly being talked to at all.
It’s very understandable that you are upset by this but unfortunately you can’t make your husband into a good language model for your child. Only he can do that and it sounds like he’s recognized he’s not going to manage it.
This is obviously going to impact on your child’s acquisition of Portuguese - they are never going to speak Portuguese if dad doesn’t speak it with them. But it’s more important that someone is speaking some language with you baby even if he/she doesn’t end up bilingual.

Interesting. I’m woman who finds it difficult and awkward to talk to small children. What do you think of that?

Ignore my weird pronouns - I couldn’t remember if you’d mentioned if your baby was a son or a daughter. Sorry.
Someone who might be able to help is your husband’s mum. Would she consider/be able to come over for a month and show your husband how to interact with a baby in Portuguese? Is that something you would want? (Not everyone gets on well with their ILs!)

My husband found it difficult to chat to our twins, so instead he read them the full 7 books of Harry Potter!

It's very important for babies to hear language in order to develop language. So perhaps suggest your husband reads books to your child?

Also, do you understand Portuguese? I know another bilingual family and at home the Mum speaks only her native Persian language while the Dad only speaks English. So you could speak English while he speaks Portuguese of you are able to understand him?

Id honestly be livid if my husband said this to me. It’s his child! He needs to fake it because there is somebody who needs him who is more important than himself. It doesn’t matter whether he likes it or not, he chose to have this baby so he can step up, talk to his child, make him feel loved and do his bloody job as a parent! How selfish of him.

Interesting. I’m woman who finds it difficult and awkward to talk to small children. What do you think of that?

I'd think that if you were going to birth or adopt one then you probably should learn.

I agree this is a sad post 🙁

I agree with reading books to baby.

The reality is, it might not come as natural to some as it does for others. So start by reading to the baby and go from there.

I personally would not agree to bringing the nursery forward.

Also it's the fact that he doesn't even want to try that's really sad.

If there’s any classes he can take your DS too that will help. Swimming, sensory, library rhyme time, something like that.
lots of children’s books - not necessarily just short baby ones, my DS loves listening to longer books kids books (he’s 8 months) if he’s in the right mood. Singing nursery rhymes. And also just chatting to the baby about anything he’s doing. I know it can get a bit tedious at times but they get so much out of it and it’ll become more and more natural the more he just chats away to your DS.

Yes, staying at home is hard. Get him on apps to connect with other parents, lots of Portuguese nannies where I live too. I think he's going through what every Sahm is going through but with a fraction of the support.

As for the talking, it's hard when you don't use a language otherwise. Much more when it's not the language of the country you live in.
Get books (in Portuguese obvsl) to help with that transition. Schedule story time. Or just have him read anything Portuguese to the baby, it's not so much about understanding at this age but about not neglecting communication.

Agree.

Also my husband got so much better at about 2 years old when he got something back.

I'm loads better at talking to my second baby, helps when the oldest is around and there's more general conversation in the house.

I have two seemingly unaffected chatter boxes.

Tell him straight that if he doesn't take this seriously and give it 100%, his child will not speak Portuguese. Perhaps he is OK with that, although it's a shame to cut a child off from their heritage and extended family, but he needs to recognise that this is what will happen. Don't let him believe the nonsense about children being little sponges who will easily pick up any language in their environment. If he half arses his job of being the primary source of Portuguese (and this is his job) then he'll have a monolingual son who perhaps understands a bit of Portuguese but cannot speak it. Is that what he wants? He is lucky to have the opportunity to hit the ground running. Is this even important to him?

And no I'm not saying that working parents can't pass on a language, but if he waits to speak with his son until he's old enough to speak back, all his first words and passive understanding will be in English and he'll forever be playing catch up and it is unlikely to go well. Passing on a minority language is hard work and you have to go all in.

Babies are cute but quite boring. My two are the result of a long road of IVF and I still felt that way. I would get DH to move focus from talking to the baby, to talking near the baby. He might feel silly having a conversation with a baby, Tell him that he can sing, read the paper, talk to himself etc,