DH finding it hard to talk to the baby?!?!

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Baby ds is 7mths and I’ve been back at work full time for a month. DH and I shared parental leave so now he’s on his six months. So he’s at home with DS Mon-Fri except for a few hours Monday and Friday afternoons when my parents take him. DS has a place to start at a day-nursery in April when he is 1 when DH goes back to work. DH is from a different nationality and speaks another language.

Doing the shared parental leave thing wasn’t a decision that was easy and it really broke my heart going back so soon especially as I am still breastfeeding, (so having to express) but we decided it was best in the end - firstly because financially this was the way we could maximize income with parental leave - I am the higher earner and I don’t get anything after 8 months and it went down after 4 months, and We are really trying to save for a house or bigger place (we are in one bed flat so hoping to move next year) and secondly, because we both really liked the idea of DH being able to expose DS fully to his language during the day when he is still young, as in the evenings and weekends he tends to resort back to English as I’m not fluent in his language, so this would give DS a foundation of exposure which was really important to both of us. So I’m the times when I’m pining for my baby when I’m at work in the day, I’m comforted by the fact that he is with his daddy, and hearing lots of Portuguese which is good for him.

Fast forward to this week, DH is saying that he wants to see if we can bring forward the nursery to start at the beginning of January and he wants to go back to work 3 months earlier than planned. He said that he’s not enjoying being at home with DS and that he’s really struggling to speak to him at all, let alone in Portuguese. He said that sometimes he doesn’t know what to say to DS because it’s just feeding, nappy changing, going out for walks etc and sometimes a whole day goes by and he has hardly said anything to DS at all and he’s feeling like the arrangement isn’t working, he thinks that it will be easier when DS is older and able to talk back.

it really upset me to hear this as I find talking to my baby - during all those things, feeding, bathing, etc so natural and easy and when I was on my maternity it never even came into my mind that it would be difficult to talk to my child. I really don’t want to bring the nursery forward as I think at 8/9 months he will still be so small to be in full-time childcare (although I know some don’t have the choice) and I also really thought it would be good for our son to have 6months with his daddy where the main language would be Portuguese as once he starts nursery and then later school, he won’t have this opportunity. But I don’t want DH to be unhappy either.

We need to make the decision very soon, and I’m really disappointed that DH is saying this. AIBU to think that he IBU?

I found the talking and narrating to them thing didn't come easy to me at all - I'm not a talker and sometimes if it was just me and the baby I'd realise I hadn't spoken out loud for ages even though we'd been playing or getting her changed. No problems with speech acquisition for either btw. It will come in time - agree with the suggestions for Portugese books and songs, if he gets into the habit of doing that a couple of times a day it'll be grand.

I remember finding that age a bit of a grind - having to fit in three solid meals but no milk feeds dropped yet and probably still three naps too. All go go go.

He's coming into it fresh, he's not in the rhythm most women are in by this stage and he won't have the social structures that lots of us have with classes, mum friends and things like that.

I think if he wants to go back to work he should (both of mine were full time in nursery from 9 months and love it, I think they can settle a bit easier at that age than at a year too from what the nursery staff have said), but at the same time I think if he gives it a bit more time and works a routine into his day he might be glad he did the full 6 months.

First of all, it would be very unreasonable for your husband to go back to work early after you agreed to share maternity leave. 3 months is not that long.
But I would try to resolve the issue of connection first. It's ok that he struggles, but he needs to find a solution now, not when your child is older. Otherwise there'll be damage to repair. I'd suggest he signs up for some baby classes to make days more interesting. He will meet other parents there. Local children centres sometimes organise free activities for babies, too. At 6 months+ I think it's important to go out of the house every day, even if just for a walk or shopping.
Also there are plenty of ideas for baby play online. He could print/save some of them and then choose a few every day, like a project. Hopefully he'll find watching your baby develop new skills rewarding.

Is it possible he suffers from PND?

That goes for him speaking English to your son in the evening and at weekends as well. If it actually is important to you both as you say, he needs to break that habit.

He needs practice! I wasn't as bad as your husband, but I didn't find that it came as naturally to me as it did to others at the start either. One thing that really worked for me was talking normally, in full sentences and without baby talk right from the start. Also I would make an active point of narrating everything that I was doing. "Oh look it's bath time, what do we need? we need some soap, let's get your towel, it's in the bedroom, here it is, it's your lovely red towel... " On walk: "I can see a green car, broom broom, look at that dog chasing the squirrel, he's fast isn't he...." Yes it can be a bit tedious but I reminded myself that this communication is really important to DS both for him to learn and for him to feel that I was paying attention to him and engaged with him. Tell your husband you get what you put in. Keep talking and he will talk back sooner and in with more vocab.

Also he should not put him in nursery early to avoid this problem, he needs to face it head on instead and learn to talk.

TBH I found being at home with a baby boring and isolating, so I understand where he is coming from. Parenting a baby doesn't come naturally to everyone - men and women alike.

Oh the other thing that really helped my friend with her bilingual child was finding a fellow parent who spoke the same language. I think she used a meeting mums app, I wonder if there is any opportunity for this? Admittedly it might be harder for him to find a fellow portugease speaking dad also on leave with a similar aged child, but it really helped friend by giving a natural context to be speaking her own language.

Baby is better off in nursery than with a disinterested parent. Not everyone is cut out for looking after babies, but it’s a shame he didn’t realise this before you went back to work. I’d be absolutely furious but the baby is better off in a more nurturing environment. It will be his fault if his child doesn’t speak his language, not yours.
I wouldn’t have any more with him.

I think you need to ‘show’ dh how you talk to your baby.

I presume you do the same as every other parent, the usual,
“shall we change your bum? Arrr has my poor baby got a sore bot, never mind, mummy make it all better eh”
“let’s put your coat on and walk to the shops. Mummy needs some bread and we can walk through the park. That’ll be nice won’t it? Yes it will and we might see the squirrels”
“is my big boy hungry? Shall mummy make us both some yummy lunch? Oh does Harrison want some summer vegetables? I’ve cooked carrots for you”

maybe poor DH just has no clue how to chat shit, DH also needs to talk to baby in Portuguese all the time.

Congratulations on your new baby, I’m sure he will thrive at nursery so don’t fret too much about that too much (but it’s natural that you will)
Hopefully daddy will get chattier as baby grows into a toddler.

I think I might struggle to chat to tiny babies, I’ve not yet had one but I imagine I might also find it tricky for the same reason I find it difficult to record myself talking for any reason; it can be hard to adjust to having what is essentially a one-sided conversation, although I do chat to people who are unconscious or who have already died when I’m performing their last offices at work so perhaps I’ll be fine, I suppose you don’t know until you try. Maybe he’s struggling to teach your DS a different language as he can’t be sure if your DS will understand him?

I wouldn’t have any more with him.

That's a bit harsh. Some men (and women) find parenting a baby intellectually unchallenging and boring. There is nothing wrong with that. He may find that as the baby becomes a little person who can communicate with him that it becomes far more rewarding. I certainly did.

Check out speech sisters on the Internet and Instagram. Language is so important at this age, and babbling turns into those first words soon. Also they start to understand things! My DS is 9m and for a good few weeks has been signing 'milk' and understanding when i say&sign that, or say 'coming up', 'where's dada/cat?' etc.
Aside from language it's a great bonding time - starting to crawl, stand and cruise etc all coming up! Honestly 2nd time round has cemented to me that this is probably my favourite stage. They're so happy to see you and be around you, don't cry much, love exploring new things, but still can't answer back or ask for endless snacks 😂
Its a very good time to form that bond, this is a great time for him to be with baby boy, and for baby to start to soak up a 2nd language. Singing songs, narrating what baby is doing/dad is doing, Portuguese version of peekaboo, naming foods as baby tries them, all great things. Exposure and repetition is (in usual circumstances) the best way to get a great talker.

If you’re on split parental leave I think you can give notice to your employer that you are going back off, as far as I remember it doesn’t have to be all in one chunk.

I think it’s more isolating for dads in the early months as everything is geared towards mums on maternity leave. Some of the groups, classes, coffee mornings etc can be very junk focused rather than parent focused.

This last sentence doesn't make sense. How can any baby understand any language at the start - they are a blank canvas, but get used to hearing words and gradually understand their meaning, even when it's English!

i've known mixed nationality couples where each speaks only their own language, and it's always successful, giving the child a great opportunity of being bi-lingual.

Perhaps he could take dc to baby classes. Sign, story time, swimming. He is probably feeling lonely being alone with the baby. My dh struggled as a sahp from feeling isolated.

You could suggest to dh he narrates what he is doing. You feel an idiot doing it but it helpswith the talking.

I don't think the speech thing per se is actually the problem, it's probably more that your DH finds being left alone with a six month old boring and lonely. How long do you have before you have to notify his employer that he wants to change his shared parental leave dates?

Putting your DS in childcare and your DH returning to work seems, frankly, a bit mean to your DS. Can your DH spend a few weeks trying to work out how other Dads have tackled this problem? There are books and blogs on modern fatherhood which I think are terribly cheesy but he might get something from those. He might be able to find other fathers in your community or online who are in a similar situation.

Chatting to babies doesn't come naturally to everyone (including me), plus, he's only in his first month of sahd. It sounds like he needs support and a confidence boost.
As others have said, if this was a woman people would be full of support!
I suggest he starts by narrating everything he is doing. Sometimes it just doesn't feel natural to talk out loud so much but this is a good was of starting off. Then find some Portuguese baby books to read if you don't have any. And youtube videos of baby songs in Portuguese. And then as others have said, looks for some activities like swimming, etc where he might be able to chat to other parents as well as to the baby.

Purplechicken207

Language is so important at this age, and babbling turns into those first words soon. Also they start to understand things! My DS is 9m and for a good few weeks has been signing 'milk' and understanding when i say&sign that, or say 'coming up', 'where's dada/cat?' etc.

Yes, it's pretty well understood that they start learning more or less immediately, even if it's not obvious. My wife is from another country and we agreed that she'd speak Russisn (my if is not Russian, but from a former Soviet Country) exclusively, one on one. Our girl was really good with it, until she started reception.

It got so that she could understand everything, but could rarely respond, as she wasn't practicing. We now have a Russian speaking Ukrainian lady and her son staying with us and our daughter has improved her Russian speaking loads (she's 9).

Aside from language it's a great bonding time - starting to crawl, stand and cruise etc all coming up!

My girl used to like sitting on me and I'd play peekaboo, or the Moose, or stick a DVD on etc. Unless she wanted a feed, she refused to get off me! My wife got a bit jealous at times. I really enjoyed it, she was so engaged at a young age.

YABU - Your husband isn't happy, and your son won't be miserable if he goes to nursery sooner.

Does he struggle to communicate with his baby at other times, when you were the SAHP or in the evenings and weekends?

I'm floored that so many parents don't understand the basics about shared attention, communication and language development. Suggesting that no language development is happening yet because they don't speak etc. I'm fucking shocked actually.

In terms of bilingualism, your baby will loose the ability to distinguish and produce these early sounds as a home language soon. He needed to be hearing them regularly already.

Babies communicate from birth, and require intune dyadic responses to develop their identity, understanding of the world, and of relationships. Their basic attachments and understanding of their value as a human wirh valid feelings that deserve responses come from early communication. It's not about being bilingual, being in near silence all day has a detrimental effect on brain development and social capacity, which in turn affect almost everything (including thinking skills). The foundations are laid long before a child is talking in sentences.

Thankfully you did the first 6 months OP. Your upset and surprise is completely understandable. It might be that your DH needs support, emotionally or with understanding the importance of communication. It might be that your son would be better off in nursery, as a PP said, he'd be getting attention from a keyworker and other adults and children.

But when this baby starts communicating with him it will be in English, not Portuguese, and he will find himself with a mountain to climb to establish Portuguese when it could have been done so easily. So he needs to either accept that and abandon the vague ideas about bilingualism or he needs to start pulling his bloody finger out. His choice.

This is really sad for the baby. He needs stimulation.

I just constantly spoke to my DS, what we were doing, what we were going to do. I used to read him the paper, read instructions from tins of food, sing songs. Just general interaction.

This.

OP I stayed home with my DD for a few months and I felt like your DH. I was bored, I wasn’t the type to talk to babies, and I longed for adult interaction. I really became depressed.

i was a MUCH better mother going back to work. Maybe you can get a nanny instead but don’t undermine your DHs feelings. Not everyone finds enjoyment spending all day for weeks/months with an infant.

I felt similarly to your DH about maternity leave. I chose to go back to work full time when DS was 8 months as a result. It isn’t for everyone and your DH is entitled to feel the way he feels without your disappointment weighing on him too.

It's one thing to say you didn't enjoy maternity leave and were happy to go back after X months, but OP has essentially sacrificed her maternity leave so her partner can have it, and now he's decided it's not for him, which is slightly different to being empowered to go back to work. I'd be really annoyed too - what did he think it was going to be like? Babies aren't known for their fascinating conversation...

I think there are some things that you don't know what they will be like until they actually happen. People can advise you all they like but sometimes you just aren't mentally prepared even though you think you will be.

I had the double whammy of having to actually leave work due to DD's medical frailty and was virtually housebound for a year when she was tiny, so I completely understand why the OP's husband wants to go back to work. I was isolated as I didn't know anyone with a baby and lived nowhere near family.