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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH finding it hard to talk to the baby?!?!

89 replies

Userwhatevernumber · 02/12/2022 08:52

Baby ds is 7mths and I’ve been back at work full time for a month. DH and I shared parental leave so now he’s on his six months. So he’s at home with DS Mon-Fri except for a few hours Monday and Friday afternoons when my parents take him. DS has a place to start at a day-nursery in April when he is 1 when DH goes back to work. DH is from a different nationality and speaks another language.

Doing the shared parental leave thing wasn’t a decision that was easy and it really broke my heart going back so soon especially as I am still breastfeeding, (so having to express) but we decided it was best in the end - firstly because financially this was the way we could maximize income with parental leave - I am the higher earner and I don’t get anything after 8 months and it went down after 4 months, and We are really trying to save for a house or bigger place (we are in one bed flat so hoping to move next year) and secondly, because we both really liked the idea of DH being able to expose DS fully to his language during the day when he is still young, as in the evenings and weekends he tends to resort back to English as I’m not fluent in his language, so this would give DS a foundation of exposure which was really important to both of us. So I’m the times when I’m pining for my baby when I’m at work in the day, I’m comforted by the fact that he is with his daddy, and hearing lots of Portuguese which is good for him.

Fast forward to this week, DH is saying that he wants to see if we can bring forward the nursery to start at the beginning of January and he wants to go back to work 3 months earlier than planned. He said that he’s not enjoying being at home with DS and that he’s really struggling to speak to him at all, let alone in Portuguese. He said that sometimes he doesn’t know what to say to DS because it’s just feeding, nappy changing, going out for walks etc and sometimes a whole day goes by and he has hardly said anything to DS at all and he’s feeling like the arrangement isn’t working, he thinks that it will be easier when DS is older and able to talk back.

it really upset me to hear this as I find talking to my baby - during all those things, feeding, bathing, etc so natural and easy and when I was on my maternity it never even came into my mind that it would be difficult to talk to my child. I really don’t want to bring the nursery forward as I think at 8/9 months he will still be so small to be in full-time childcare (although I know some don’t have the choice) and I also really thought it would be good for our son to have 6months with his daddy where the main language would be Portuguese as once he starts nursery and then later school, he won’t have this opportunity. But I don’t want DH to be unhappy either.

We need to make the decision very soon, and I’m really disappointed that DH is saying this. AIBU to think that he IBU?

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 02/12/2022 12:41

Boooooot · 02/12/2022 09:10

It’s completely ok for him to realise that being a stay at home parent isn’t for him. We would be empowering a mother posting saying she was struggling with staying at home to be going back to work if that’s what made her happy.

Sometimes it isn’t natural to talk to babies, I think particularly men.

I agree. I didn’t find it particularly natural and I’m a mother. It felt stilted and stupid for ages.

JenniferBarkley · 02/12/2022 12:48

Anna783426 · 02/12/2022 12:24

It's one thing to say you didn't enjoy maternity leave and were happy to go back after X months, but OP has essentially sacrificed her maternity leave so her partner can have it, and now he's decided it's not for him, which is slightly different to being empowered to go back to work. I'd be really annoyed too - what did he think it was going to be like? Babies aren't known for their fascinating conversation...

This place is full of threads from women who find that maternity leave is nothing like they expected.

OP went back to work largely for financial reasons, they will be better off again if her DH goes back to work. If she really wants, she can take more shared parental leave and go back off, but that will cost them.

I do think her DH just needs to find his rhythm though.

Saracen · 02/12/2022 13:00

Sounds like he is finding it tough to be a stay-at-home parent. Many people do. He's only a month in. Hopefully it will get easier and more natural as he gets to know his baby better.

If a SAHM were saying she wasn't finding it easy to be at home with her baby after one month, she wouldn't be getting it in the neck for being a crap mum. But I also think it's a bit early to decide that being a SAHP isn't working.

I think your DP needs time and patience and encouragement to get out and meet friends, relatives and other parents of babies. The not-talking-to-baby aspect is just a symptom of the fact that he isn't yet feeling happy and connected to his child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/12/2022 13:01

Ok there are a few things going on here.

The first in language which is a bit part of your post. My husband is not a native English speaker so I do have experience of this. The few months in mat leave will not make or break the secone language development. it will be ongoing interaction between them that does - the key is consistency. he needs to speak in portugese the whole time even when you are there, read Portuguese, play Portuguese games, sing portugese nursery rhymes, and work out a way he can watch cartoons in portugese. Speaking to your son in portugese only when they are on their own will not be enough. So if it's the fluency you are worried about, dont base any decisions just on this.

Secondly you seem worried about nursery and language but not about how your husband is coping or how his bond with his son is.

It can be hard to talk to babies for some people, it never came naturally to me before kids and even then I had to copy others like my mum before I got ok at it, it feels so unnatural to speak to something and get nothing back. Has he tried to work at it? Googled what to do? Asked you for tips? Might be worth trying this before quitting but ultimately if he hates being at home with a baby I'm not sure it's good for either of them to force it

lanthanum · 02/12/2022 13:49

Tell him that just a running commentary on everything he's doing will work wonders. I used to give my daughter a running commentary as I hung up the washing, and then suddenly one day it was her saying "Daddy's socks". It doesn't matter that it's boring mundane things, and it doesn't matter that it's the same things every day - that's how they learn!

Does he go to any groups? He might feel that's cheating because they'll be in English not Portugese, but it's worth going so he has some adult company - parents have needs too! I know it's always a bit harder for dads, but he may not be the only one - either dad or portugese-speaking! (I remember one bilingual dad who came to our group, and surprised a bunch of mums who were nattering away in Polish, not realising he could understand!)

Does your library service have children's books in Portugese he can order? They often have a supply, but you may need to order them to get them to your nearest branch.

Does he know Portugese nursery rhymes? Not everyone remembers them from childhood! Perhaps there's a CD/DVD of them you could get to jog his memory.

I think one of the key things for language learning is as the child starts babbling. They try making lots of sounds, but then drop the ones that aren't part of the language they hear around them. So hearing the portugese vowel and consonant sounds will be important before your son actually starts speaking words.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 02/12/2022 18:29

Short term thing to help OP, can he find a regular time to FaceTime/video call his family in Portugal/Brazil/wherever they live and chat? It’ll be great for your son, he’ll hear grandma/aunty or whoever talking to him in Portuguese and also the Portuguese conversation between the adults. Plus your husband will get some adult conversation. 2 or 3 times a week for half an hour’s chat with grandma would be fantastic for your son’s language development.

LunaLula83 · 02/12/2022 18:39

Bullshit. Make him some flashcards hahaha idiot

thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 18:54

Anna783426 · 02/12/2022 12:24

No-one knows how they'll find being a stay-at-home parent until they give it a go, though.

I've read a lot of threads on here from women who couldn't wait to stay home, but the reality was they absolutely hated it. I've also seen the opposite - women who were convinced they'd go back to work and ended up loving staying home.

I don't think you can say "well, what did he expect?" because, well, how would he know what to expect? He's a brand new SAHP - he has nothing to compare it to, and I bet if OP was the one saying she hated staying home and wanted to use a nursery, this thread would be really supportive of that.

Ohlife2020 · 02/12/2022 19:01

It DOESN'T come naturally to everyone, OP. With my first one, as a new mum, I felt miserable with endless caring tasks and I'm NOT maternal naturally. I was never to find the comfortable way to talk to a baby (even a toddler) in the earlier days. It felt just so fake and unnatural to me.

It took me time to bond with my first one. But by the time with my second, it did become easier and more natural.

I think it's quite dangerous you assume he's the same as you or as how you pictured he should be as a father. Mental health matters in those isolated months.

I still remember how blissful the first day when I got back to work after 8 months. I could actually sit down and have a cup of tea on my own term.

As long as he's a caring father, try not to project your expectations forcefully. Not healthy.

Ohlife2020 · 02/12/2022 19:03

About the language, no need to be too clingy to the ideal scenario so hurt the bond and care to each other as a couple. Don't forget beyond a father, he's still your husband who would appreciate your understanding and support as before the baby.

Sleeplessbuteffective · 02/12/2022 19:12

Parenting is hard. I think as women we bond with our children easier perhaps because we have carried them for 9 months before they’re born.
Men seem to find it harder to bond in some cases, especially in cases like this where they don’t get feedback from their child as the child is too young to talk. And as with most men it sounds like he’s just trying to find a solution and ‘fix’ the problem by suggesting nursery.
But it’s also important to realise that perhaps your husband is also trying (however ineffectively) to reach out to you for reassurance and explain that he is feeling insecure in his ability to connect with your DC.
Maybe sit down together when DC is asleep and talk it through. Give him reassurance and let him know how you communicate with baby and why it’s so important to you that he does the same. Make him see how valuable his contribution is and that he is a necessary part of your team as as new little family. I can see why you would be upset at the situation - but getting angry or upset will just drive you further apart whereas talking together and being honest and addressing his vulnerabilities might make you a much closer unit and give you more of what you want. Good luck

FantaFour · 02/12/2022 19:27

Boooooot · 02/12/2022 09:10

Sometimes it isn’t natural to talk to babies, I think particularly men.

Absolutely but the shitty double standards on here are usual though!

Cma1988 · 02/12/2022 19:50

Hi all thank you for all replies - it was hectic at work today and just got baby down so only now have the chance to look over the replies and advice 💐

Peedoffo · 02/12/2022 20:02

YABU, I wasn't constantly talking to DD she learnt her first word at 10 months and was fully verbal at 18 months. You don't need to constantly be in their face doing baby talk for them to speak that's a myth. Babies who are very neglected i.e absolutely no stimulation will fall behind of course.

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