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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to give me a little bit of time to get myself ready for a long awaited night out?

101 replies

confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:43

So with COVID and a house move and 2 young children, I very rarely get a night out with friends these days and my mental health is definitely suffering for it. I am very much looking forward to a night out tomorrow night but I just feel exhausted thinking about it. I'll be up after 6am, getting the kids organised and packed lunches made, transporting them to breakfast club, then a busy day in work, then home in rush hour traffic to get changed and try to look presentable before heading out to meet everyone.

AIBU to think DH could for once just say he'll make the packed lunches or take kids to breakfast club to give me some time to get my hair washed or something in the morning? Of course if I ask him he'd say yes, but I would just like someone to think of me for a change and offer to do something for me without having to be asked? Am I asking too much??

OP posts:
araiwa · 01/12/2022 23:46

Maybe he sees no link between breakfast club and getting ready for a night out?

Just fucking ask him

Ellessdee · 01/12/2022 23:46

What's your DH doing whilst you do all this and why can't you just talk to him about it?

Create10 · 01/12/2022 23:46

No, you aren't. Could you not just announce you're going in the shower, and do your hair etc.? Presumably he won't just sit there with unmade packed lunches waiting for you to finish?

billy1966 · 01/12/2022 23:47

No it's not too much to ask, but don't wait for him, tell him.

Feeling good about yourself will help you enjoy a much deserved night out.

Enjoy.

Original poster
confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:51

Well I could tell him to do it and he would. But it would be nice to have someone who was more thoughtful and more considerate and who didn't need to be told. Looks like that's a bit too much to ask though!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/12/2022 23:52

It's great, he'll do it if you ask, you are wanting the cherry on the cake if you are going to wait for him to offer though!

babyfrenchie · 01/12/2022 23:53

You can't expect him to read your mind. Ask him!

RandomMess · 01/12/2022 23:53

How many times have you explained to him that him taking on the mental load of doing his share around the house and offering to do extra when you are busy have you had?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 01/12/2022 23:54

DH is quite thoughtful, but I don’t think he’d make the connection between going out on a Friday night and needing more time to get ready on a Friday morning. He just doesn’t think about hair wash, mask, tan, eyebrows etc.

Just ask him?

UnbearableLoss · 01/12/2022 23:55

It honestly wouldn't enter my mind to offer so I think you're just looking to find fault here. Just ask.

Prizelighter · 01/12/2022 23:56

Yes I think expecting someone to know you might want a bit of time during the morning routine to get ready for an event that evening, is a bit of a stretch. Not so much if you were talking about him offering to do teatime and bedtime while you got ready.

However, if you do, I wouldn't be a martyr about it, I'd just ask. I mean this kindly but being upset because someone hasn't guessed you want something is really frustrating. If it's a bit of a trend that you feel upset that little or nothing is done for you then an honest conversation should be had and in a good relationship, will help enormously.

IntentionalError · 01/12/2022 23:56

Women who expect men to be mind readers usually end up disappointed. Because they’re not.

Just ask him to help out with the kids, then enjoy your night out.

Testina · 01/12/2022 23:58

It wouldn’t occur to me to do this, not for getting ready to go out. Possibly because I don’t see why it takes so long.

There are times when it’s nice not to have to ask for things - but I don’t think this is one of them.

Why is it always you doing packed lunches and breakfast club runs? If that’s a fair division ideally, I don’t see that he’s done anyone wrong. Just tell him.

CookPassBabtridge · 02/12/2022 00:02

Yes you're gonna have to ask.

TooHotToRamble · 02/12/2022 00:09

I think you are being a bit unreasonable there. I'm all for people being considerate but he would have no idea that making lunches or whatever would impact you going out in the evening. Your expectations of thoughtfulness are a bit high.

Just ask him. You said he'll do it. That's kind and supportive. Maybe just be happy with that?

Original poster
confusedlots · 02/12/2022 00:15

Ok, I get that the consensus is that I'm asking too much. He knows I'll only have a short time between getting home and having to get out again, say 20 mins or so, so it will all be a bit of a rush, and on the first night out I've had in 6 months. Would have been nice to at least have had a little bit of time in the morning to get my hair sorted or something if I'm not going to have any time to do that in the evening, but looks like I don't have anyone who considers what might be a nice thing to do for me, all he wants is for me to look after the kids and him!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/12/2022 00:19

I don't think anyone disagrees with you that it would be a nice thing and he should do it.

The issue is that if you never expect him to do this stuff and tell him he should be why would he suddenly offer?

He sounds quite selfish and lazy, have you ever discussed his selfishness:lack of thought & care with him?

How has your relationship evolved that he hasn't automatically stepped up to take over tomorrow morning or that you can't can't say it's his turn as you'll be too busy?

Original poster
confusedlots · 02/12/2022 00:27

@RandomMess I have no issue with telling him it's turn, but when it becomes your job to always carry the mental load and tell your partner what to do, you soon start to lose respect for him as an equal and loving partner. And he starts to get annoyed as he feels you're 'nagging him'. I guess this is where we are and I don't know how to resolve it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2022 00:29

confusedlots · 02/12/2022 00:27

@RandomMess I have no issue with telling him it's turn, but when it becomes your job to always carry the mental load and tell your partner what to do, you soon start to lose respect for him as an equal and loving partner. And he starts to get annoyed as he feels you're 'nagging him'. I guess this is where we are and I don't know how to resolve it.

So tell him tonight you won't have time to do the kids lunches in the morning, it's on him. Then over the weekend sit down and draw up a rota together.

toomuchlaundry · 02/12/2022 00:35

Is he okay with you going out? How often does he go out?

RandomMess · 02/12/2022 00:36

So my first was about that.

Does he share the mental load?

Clearly not.

How do your resolve it - allocate a chunk of household and DC duties to him alone.

I suggest you start with meal planning, shopping and cooking. Let him get it wrong and have to sort it out.

Next the laundry, washing, drying, sorting, folding/putting away or getting the DC to put their own away. Again let him sink or swim and deal with the fall out. Don't rescue him.

Tell you it's amazing not to think about food or laundry.

BoxOfCats · 02/12/2022 04:23

Is this actually a one off issue, or is there a bigger issue that he doesn't pull his weight generally and has to be told to do things?

SD1978 · 02/12/2022 04:33

Sorry, but bloody hell. If you said do the lunches and take them to school he would, but because he hadn't put 2+2 together to think you'll want the morning time to get ready for an evening out you're sad? Hey don't you usually split the morning runs and breakfast? Martyring yourself because you 'have' (have chosen) to take on their Mumsnet 'mental load' without actually using your words like an adult and having a conversation is daft. For him getting ready is a shower when he gets home- he probably doesn't think about the 'prep work' you as a woman would (understandably) like to do. Divide things up so they are fairer all the time, and get him to do the morning stuff. It's annoying to ask, but if he'll do it it's very silly not to.

yoyo1234 · 02/12/2022 04:41

Just Ask him 😣🙄. Give him a bit of forewarning incase school run/lunches etc might make him late for work if you tell him Friday morning. Ps my DH does far more than his share but I do nursery runs etc so not sure that really accounts for mental load 🤔.

Brunonononooo · 02/12/2022 04:42

I know exactly how you feel. My husband does his fair share (probably more) but I feel like I am always the one who remembers the boring shit/mental load and sometimes it would be nice to not have to. I have spoken with him about this a lot and he always says to just ask him and he can do more but that’s not the point really, I guess that’s how you feel! But I think with something like a night out, especially if you don’t go on too many, he probably genuinely has no idea you want to get yourself sorted and you will really have to ask him about this one…