Page 2 | to expect DH to give me a little bit of time to get myself ready for a long awaited night out?

confusedlots · 2022-12-01T23:43:36+00:00

So with COVID and a house move and 2 young children, I very rarely get a night out with friends these days and my mental health is definitely suffering for it. I am very much looking forward to a night out tomorrow night but I just feel exhausted thinking about it. I'll be up after 6am, getting the kids organised and packed lunches made, transporting them to breakfast club, then a busy day in work, then home in rush hour traffic to get changed and try to look presentable before heading out to meet everyone. AIBU to think DH could for once just say he'll make the packed lunches or take kids to breakfast club to give me some time to get my hair washed or something in the morning? Of course if I ask him he'd say yes, but I would just like someone to think of me for a change and offer to do something for me without having to be asked? Am I asking too much??

redbigbananafeet · 02/12/2022 04:54

confusedlots · 02/12/2022 00:27

@RandomMess I have no issue with telling him it's turn, but when it becomes your job to always carry the mental load and tell your partner what to do, you soon start to lose respect for him as an equal and loving partner. And he starts to get annoyed as he feels you're 'nagging him'. I guess this is where we are and I don't know how to resolve it.

Why do you do the lunches and school breakfast run every morning. Dont create a situation where you unnecessarily carry the mental load yourself and then be surprised that you're carrying the mental load yourself. Take set days so from tomorrow he's on Friday, Monday & Wednesdays.

Clymene · 02/12/2022 04:56

He is a lazy selfish arse. He shows you that every day by never doing anything other than thinking of himself.

Why would you suddenly expect him to be a considerate decent co-parent just because you're going out?

Belledan1 · 02/12/2022 05:00

Could you get your haur blow dryed lunch time at a local hairdressers near to to your work. I agree though just ask I'm

Buildingthefuture · 02/12/2022 05:11

Not a popular opinion here on MN, but I honestly believe men and women just….think differently. Yes, if my DH had somewhere to be very soon after work, I would think, ok, I’ll do x y z then (the things he normally does) and I would tell him that. My DH however, who is not a lazy arse and who does pull his weight, would not. It just wouldn’t occur to him. So I would say I’ve booked a blow dry/I need an hour to get ready, whatever, so I need you to do x y z and he would, quite happily.
I agree with PPs that the problem here is that your DH isn’t pulling his weight in general and that needs to be addressed (which, judging by the millions of threads on here that say the same thing, is a bloody hard slog!!)

Zanatdy · 02/12/2022 05:13

He won’t even think, I assume he will think you’re getting ready in the evening. Men don’t think women would prepare in the morning. Just ask him, problem solved.

SafariRushHour · 02/12/2022 05:14

Stop being a martyr, he’s not a mind reader, just ask him and do team work. Infact rota him to do 3 or 4 mornings every week so it’s automatic rather then a one off

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2022 05:22

Basically it would be nice if you’d married a more considerate thoughtful man but as you didn’t… he’s not going to change - only thing that can change is your response

rwalker · 02/12/2022 05:24

UnbearableLoss · 01/12/2022 23:55

It honestly wouldn't enter my mind to offer so I think you're just looking to find fault here. Just ask.

This

Ragingoverlife · 02/12/2022 05:25

Men don't get hints in general. Just ask him straight x

MrsDoyle351 · 02/12/2022 05:29

confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:51

Well I could tell him to do it and he would. But it would be nice to have someone who was more thoughtful and more considerate and who didn't need to be told. Looks like that's a bit too much to ask though!

Lots of folk are unable to mindread - just tell him!!!

BrightSaturn · 02/12/2022 05:29

I get your point, it would be nice to not have to carry that mental load all the time.
my husband’s job (and a nice bonding time imo!) is bathing our baby every other day… do you think he remembers it’s bath day without me saying though….
only a small thing and it doesn’t really matter that I have to say but I have to say every other day, it would be nice to not have to carry that alongside every other thing that comes with being a mother. So I feel you!

Merrow · 02/12/2022 05:38

I'm usually on the side of the person with the mental load burden (and agree it's on you) but I'd genuinely see no connection between morning routine and a night out.

Aprilx · 02/12/2022 05:44

You are being ridiculous. My husband had a night out after work yesterday, it honestly didn’t occur to me that this meant he couldn’t make a packed lunch in the morning when he got up, at 5:30am.

If he isn’t pulling his weight with chores then of course you need to tell him so, bit I simply do not get this link to your night out.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 02/12/2022 05:55

How have so many people jumped to the conclusion he's a lazy selfish arse (he might be but on the basis he doesn't make packed lunches it's a bit of a stretch)
I wouldn't think that something my husbands did first thing in a morning would impact his plans for a night out but if he asked me to do something to help him get ready I would!
If not I would just get up half and hour earlier and wash my hair etc then.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 02/12/2022 06:16

I agree with most OP...he wouldn't realise a connection between the morning routine and your night out, most people, not just men, wouldn't automatically do that I think and it is a plus that he would do it if you asked. However, it is much more of an issue that you always do the morning stuff. If he logistically can do it, why aren't you sharing it equally already? I am v v much in the "Bar is set ridiculously low for men" camp and I don't think you're "lucky" that he would do it if asked, he should, but there is a larger issue here than one morning.
Oh and for future..make the lunches the night before.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 02/12/2022 06:21

Was just about to say that packed lunches can be made the night before.

Clymene · 02/12/2022 06:23

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 02/12/2022 05:55

How have so many people jumped to the conclusion he's a lazy selfish arse (he might be but on the basis he doesn't make packed lunches it's a bit of a stretch)
I wouldn't think that something my husbands did first thing in a morning would impact his plans for a night out but if he asked me to do something to help him get ready I would!
If not I would just get up half and hour earlier and wash my hair etc then.

Perhaps you should read all four of the OP's posts. It's pretty clear he does fuck all

moose62 · 02/12/2022 06:23

I think you are looking to find fault. If your DH would do it willingly if you asked, then ask. Don't get cross because he didn't think of it. Doing the mental load sucks but allocate some things to him...I offloaded lots of small things... buying his own family their presents, sorting out the car tax, servicing and insurance, all morning drop offs. What I didn't do was then micro manage....his jobs, his responsibility. I also didn't pick up any slack...I think sometimes we over manage as we are worried it won't get done. My DH doesn't think like me!

Conkersareback · 02/12/2022 06:24

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 02/12/2022 05:55

How have so many people jumped to the conclusion he's a lazy selfish arse (he might be but on the basis he doesn't make packed lunches it's a bit of a stretch)
I wouldn't think that something my husbands did first thing in a morning would impact his plans for a night out but if he asked me to do something to help him get ready I would!
If not I would just get up half and hour earlier and wash my hair etc then.

This

Stop being a martyr and ask him. Share the pack lunch duty every week.

Conkersareback · 02/12/2022 06:25

Clymene · 02/12/2022 04:56

He is a lazy selfish arse. He shows you that every day by never doing anything other than thinking of himself.

Why would you suddenly expect him to be a considerate decent co-parent just because you're going out?

Bloody hell, that's a stretch!

ExtraOnions · 02/12/2022 06:26

Could you not have booked an afternoons annual leave …. Had the house to yourself, and a nice long pamper session ?

achangeisafoot · 02/12/2022 06:31

You're not asking too much. The problem is you're literally not asking and being a little ridiculous about it. Just ask.

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2022 06:32

+Would have been nice to at least have had a little bit of time in the morning to get my hair sorted or something if I'm not going to have any time to do that in the evening, but looks like I don't have anyone who considers what might be a nice thing to do for me, all he wants is for me to look after the kids and him!*

Dont be silly and a martyr. From a man’s point of view, getting ready to go out means potentially a change of clothes/shoes, that’s it, that’s all they do. They don’t do the hoo haa of hair and whatnot so in general a man would never make the connection you want made. So just tell him ffs and stop the carry on. He will no doubt make the lunches etc so you can do your hair in the morning. Problem solved, no angst.

Clymene · 02/12/2022 06:33

all he wants is for me to look after the kids and him!

when it becomes your job to always carry the mental load and tell your partner what to do, you soon start to lose respect for him as an equal and loving partner. And he starts to get annoyed as he feels you're 'nagging him'.

Not a stretch. He doesn't lift a finger unless the OP specifically asks him and then he gets annoyed and says she's nagging him. So she probably doesn't ask much because he gets so moody.

This is how men manipulate their wives to opt out of the wifework

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 02/12/2022 06:36

What does an extra 10 minutes in the morning have to do with going out in the evening? I’m a woman no and I wouldn’t have made that connection.