Page 3 | to expect DH to give me a little bit of time to get myself ready for a long awaited night out?

confusedlots · 2022-12-01T23:43:36+00:00

So with COVID and a house move and 2 young children, I very rarely get a night out with friends these days and my mental health is definitely suffering for it. I am very much looking forward to a night out tomorrow night but I just feel exhausted thinking about it. I'll be up after 6am, getting the kids organised and packed lunches made, transporting them to breakfast club, then a busy day in work, then home in rush hour traffic to get changed and try to look presentable before heading out to meet everyone. AIBU to think DH could for once just say he'll make the packed lunches or take kids to breakfast club to give me some time to get my hair washed or something in the morning? Of course if I ask him he'd say yes, but I would just like someone to think of me for a change and offer to do something for me without having to be asked? Am I asking too much??

springhassprung22 · 02/12/2022 06:38

Do you do the lunches/school runs every day? If so, why? Is there an equal trade off - does your DH do pick ups every day, or make dinner every day?

I fully sympathise with the mental load, but if you’re also doing everything physical (making lunches and drop offs isn’t the mental load) then you might be martyring yourself a bit.

My DH most likely has inattentive ADHD and yes I carry the mental load. But all the physical tasks are split - drop offs and pick ups 50/50 depending on our work weeks, he makes lunches or orders dinners depending on the day. I do the laundry. You’re meant to be a team.

housemaus · 02/12/2022 06:40

YABU on this specific point I think - it wouldn't occur to me that you might want more time in the morning to get ready for a night out 12 hours later, so I don't know why it'd occur to your DH unless you said so.

YANBU to feel resentful of shouldering the majority of the mental load though, and you should definitely tackle that. But this isn't the example to use, IMO.

Lampshadered · 02/12/2022 06:47

If he could do lunches and school run this morning, does that mean he has time to do those things every morning but you just do them by default?

If so, he should be splitting those things evenly every week, not just as a one-off.

PrincessConstance · 02/12/2022 07:02

confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:51

Well I could tell him to do it and he would. But it would be nice to have someone who was more thoughtful and more considerate and who didn't need to be told. Looks like that's a bit too much to ask though!

Just tell him, people are not mind readers. If you keep doing this throughout your relationship you're going to disappoint yourself.
Why make such a fuss and ruin your own night out?

Beginningless · 02/12/2022 07:09

I completely understand how you feel. I think some of us women are actively raised to anticipate other people’s needs and be thoughtful, whilst also not expecting the same for ourselves. It’s bonkers. It’s an ongoing issue for me but as I get older I’m realising what a problematic message that is and trying to communicate more clearly. That means having a discussion about ‘I am feeling worn down by the mental load of lunches/laundry blah blah/whatever you hate and I’d like you to share some of it with me, could we work out a plan?’ Anf obviously asking for your time to wash your hair this morning. Also I think you can explain how you’d like to feel cherished and thought about sometimes, without having to ask - but promise that if there are specific things you need that you will ask. My DH has responded really well to this kind of clarity, when I have been v clear that he can’t read my mind etc - no making these requests with underlying resentment - if that’s there then talk about that before coming to solutions.

rippleraspberry · 02/12/2022 07:13

confusedlots · 02/12/2022 00:15

Ok, I get that the consensus is that I'm asking too much. He knows I'll only have a short time between getting home and having to get out again, say 20 mins or so, so it will all be a bit of a rush, and on the first night out I've had in 6 months. Would have been nice to at least have had a little bit of time in the morning to get my hair sorted or something if I'm not going to have any time to do that in the evening, but looks like I don't have anyone who considers what might be a nice thing to do for me, all he wants is for me to look after the kids and him!

How can he know that you want time in the morning to get ready for something not happening until the evening?

You're expecting him to read your mind. He can't.

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 07:15

Conkersareback · 02/12/2022 06:25

Bloody hell, that's a stretch!

Show quote history

It really is! What else is going on? What type of jobs do you both do? If you both work full time with equal commutes then yes absolutely tasks should be split equally. If one is full time with an hour each end commute and the other is part time with a 15 min commute its obvious a different task split!

sorcerersapprentice · 02/12/2022 07:16

Just bloody tell him. End of.
Stop trying to create some drama around it.

Hobbitfeet32 · 02/12/2022 07:19

@confusedlots what does your husbands day usually look like on a Thursday/Friday?
how old are the children?
I think it is a little unfair to expect him to read your mind. Especially if you say he would do it if you asked. Maybe you need to ask him to do it more regularly.

IrritableVowel · 02/12/2022 07:32

Of course the load should be shared, and it shouldn't be a big deal for him to do extra, unasked, to allow you time to get ready.

But today isn't the day to die on that hill. You will only end up annoyed while still trying to do everything and get ready.

So today, ask if he will do XYZ so you can get organised.

Over the next few days, a more general conversation about stuff

hopeishere · 02/12/2022 07:42

Go and get a blow dry at lunchtime.

In these instances I used to just say "I'm going to get ready can you do x, y, z" and then go off and come back down when I was ready and it was time to leave.

School dinners? Do you have TIL you could take to leave work early?

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/12/2022 08:06

For once?

He should be doing this half of the time

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 08:08

I can see that you would want a bit of time to get ready in the evening, but he would need to be a bit of a mind reader to know you want time in the morning. Just ask him and stop making it into an uncaring DH scenario.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2022 08:11

When I was still married, I carried all the mental load and all the housework. Complained about it to my friends, they all said theirs were the same and we all tutted men and rolled our eyes.

Now I'm divorced (bliss), and here's the thing - he can do it. He's getting them to their activities and buying their shoes if they need it, or whatever, with no help from me. He could always do it. Just chose the easier option of me doing it previously. Twat.

ScottishLavender · 02/12/2022 08:12

confusedlots · 02/12/2022 00:15

Ok, I get that the consensus is that I'm asking too much. He knows I'll only have a short time between getting home and having to get out again, say 20 mins or so, so it will all be a bit of a rush, and on the first night out I've had in 6 months. Would have been nice to at least have had a little bit of time in the morning to get my hair sorted or something if I'm not going to have any time to do that in the evening, but looks like I don't have anyone who considers what might be a nice thing to do for me, all he wants is for me to look after the kids and him!

Are you always this passive aggressive in your martyrdom?

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 02/12/2022 08:13

What does making sandwiches have to do with getting ready for a night out? I'm confused.

Just ask him op, he's not a mind reader. If the tables were turned would you be able to read his mind?

Guitarbar · 02/12/2022 08:14

I don't think many men would make the connection with wanting time to get ready in the morning for going out in the evening to be honest- ask him. Whilst you're there bring up the sharing of responsibility and come to something that's fairer.

NerrSnerr · 02/12/2022 08:15

In everyday life he should be doing his fair share but he doesn't. He's not going to know that you want extra time 10 hours before a night out- none of us would so you need to ask.

From looking at this thread you won't ask and will just silently seethe all day.

If he genuinely isn't pulling his weight (we obviously don't know both of your working patterns etc) then that's a conversation for tomorrow but today do what you need to do to enjoy your night out.

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 08:15

Guitarbar · 02/12/2022 08:14

I don't think many men would make the connection with wanting time to get ready in the morning for going out in the evening to be honest- ask him. Whilst you're there bring up the sharing of responsibility and come to something that's fairer.

I don't think it's just men that wouldn't make the connection.
I think it's pretty unlikely anyone- unless blessed with psychic abilities- would figure that one out unprompted.

ZenNudist · 02/12/2022 08:20

Jesus he's not psychic. Your post is very "poor me" . Just ask. In the future make half the jobs and family care his.

Coatdegroan · 02/12/2022 08:21

I hope you just asked him
If as you say he's willing but you.have to ask then really that's good enough.

You can enjoy a bit more time and not have to rush as much.

I've done my share of hoping my mind can be read amd it only ends badly. Only.to realise DH woukd have done something gladly. Yes it's irritating they don't think of it first but at the end of the day they are not mind readers and have their own shit going on. And crucially, only may need 3 mins to get ready for a night out and therefore not be aware that a bit longer is a treat.

Enjoy your night out 💅

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 08:22

He knows I'll only have a short time between getting home and having to get out again, say 20 mins or so,

Where's work/home/night out? 20mins is not enough time to really do anything, is there a lot of journeying in between? If night out closer to work would it be better getting ready there?

Lockheart · 02/12/2022 08:29

I know it's a tired cliché that women take ages to get ready, but needing to start 12 hours in advance is a bit much!

You say you have time to get ready in the evening, even if it is a bit rushed.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/12/2022 08:35

It's my work Xmas do tonight (new job and first Xmas work do ever) but I am a single parent so have to do all of that (minus the breakfast club as they are older), work a 9.5 hour day and then have about 45 mins to get ready before driving to the do and back, which is an hour's round trip as it's my weekend to have the dc.

I personally wouldn't see the correlation between making packed lunches and you going out later so unless you've asked him and he's said no, I don't necessarily think he has done anything wrong.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/12/2022 08:40

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2022 08:11

When I was still married, I carried all the mental load and all the housework. Complained about it to my friends, they all said theirs were the same and we all tutted men and rolled our eyes.

Now I'm divorced (bliss), and here's the thing - he can do it. He's getting them to their activities and buying their shoes if they need it, or whatever, with no help from me. He could always do it. Just chose the easier option of me doing it previously. Twat.

Amen to that. My exh is crap with feeding the kids healthy meals (he can cook fine but never has food in in advance) but he can do the rest just fine...or he gets his mum in to do it...but either way it's not me doing it so I don't care.