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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to give me a little bit of time to get myself ready for a long awaited night out?

101 replies

confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:43

So with COVID and a house move and 2 young children, I very rarely get a night out with friends these days and my mental health is definitely suffering for it. I am very much looking forward to a night out tomorrow night but I just feel exhausted thinking about it. I'll be up after 6am, getting the kids organised and packed lunches made, transporting them to breakfast club, then a busy day in work, then home in rush hour traffic to get changed and try to look presentable before heading out to meet everyone.

AIBU to think DH could for once just say he'll make the packed lunches or take kids to breakfast club to give me some time to get my hair washed or something in the morning? Of course if I ask him he'd say yes, but I would just like someone to think of me for a change and offer to do something for me without having to be asked? Am I asking too much??

OP posts:
Cas112 · 02/12/2022 08:42

Just ask him it's not that hard

Cas112 · 02/12/2022 08:44

confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:51

Well I could tell him to do it and he would. But it would be nice to have someone who was more thoughtful and more considerate and who didn't need to be told. Looks like that's a bit too much to ask though!

Honestly grow up, it's like you want something to complain about. Tell him your going to wash your hair and let that be it instead of making a whole issue about nothing when you no he will already do what you want of him🙄

gannett · 02/12/2022 08:44

God I really couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who expected me to read their minds then got huffy because I couldn't. Use your words like an actual adult.

PuppyMonkey · 02/12/2022 08:48

Sounds like he has form for being a thoughtless twat who takes you for granted so YANBU - but I think in the circumstances I would just tell him he’s got to do xxx today as you’ll be in a rush when you get back from work.

Or, you know, instead, you could just seethe and think he should offer and then be in a massive rush and a bad mood because he’s a twat and won’t offer and your nice night out will be ruined.

Unicorn717 · 02/12/2022 08:50

Did he manage to become a mind reader by this morning? Or did you ask him about doing it at all?

Managinggenzoclock · 02/12/2022 08:50

confusedlots · 01/12/2022 23:51

Well I could tell him to do it and he would. But it would be nice to have someone who was more thoughtful and more considerate and who didn't need to be told. Looks like that's a bit too much to ask though!

I think you need to ask him. It would be nice for him to guess but it’s a bit passive aggressive to want/need something, not ask and then be annoyed. Fair enough if you’d asked him 15 times before and he’d ignored you but doesn’t sound like that’s the case. Enjoy! Enjoy! (& don’t be a martyr)

BanningTheWordNaice · 02/12/2022 08:51

You sound like such a child. No man is magically going to know what you want to get done in the morning, just ask him rather than saying “would have been nice”.

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 09:06

You’re being a martyr.

My husband is going out tonight and is currently emptying the dishwasher.

Should he not be doing this?

AngelinaFibres · 02/12/2022 09:11

Sorry but you are giving off serious martyr vibes. If you want something ask. Still I bet you and your friends will enjoy bitching about your husbands on your night off so that's a win.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/12/2022 09:18

You were posting on MN at quarter to midnight when you could have been washing your hair Confused

Your husband is not a mind reader, why on earth didnt you just say 'you need to take the kids tomorrow'.

Utterly ridiculous really.

Mayorquimby2 · 02/12/2022 09:29

You're poor husband.

Being absolutely set up to fail a test be doesn't even know he's taking

purplemama1990 · 02/12/2022 09:30

I think as much as we would all love to have someone think of us in these situations, most males just don't realise that you need this time. He probably sees no connection between the two things. I know it's annoying having to ask him, but if you don't he won't do it and you won't have the extra time. Things like this guys just don't realise.

Off topic, but what bothers me more is that DH doesn't know what cleaning needs doing around the house unless I specifically give him a task. Surely all adults should know when something needs cleaned or tidied away?

OoooohMatron · 02/12/2022 09:32

This wouldn't occur to most men. My DH is bald and a shower and change of clothes is all the party prep required. You've said if you ask him he will so I think you're looking for problems that aren't there, he hardly sounds like a bastard.

DameHelena · 02/12/2022 09:36

I think people are being deliberately stupid asking what going out at night has to do with getting kids ready etc. It's patently obvious it's about workload and mental load, so maybe knock off the faux questions.

OP, I don't get why your DH doesn't already share the getting up, getting the kids organised and packed lunches made, taking them to breakfast club etc. This is the point, really; if he did his share, you getting ready to go out at night wouldn't seem like such a rush/big deal.

I do hear you about mental load – why do you have to be the one to organise both you and another adult? – but I think, pragmatically, you do need to just tell him. 'DH, you need to do your share of getting things ready in the mornings. And on nights when I've got something else on, I'd appreciate if it you stepped up and took it off my hands. I'm not expecting to have to keep reminding you about this; it's common sense.'

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2022 09:37

toomuchlaundry · 02/12/2022 00:35

Is he okay with you going out? How often does he go out?

Huh?

LookItsMeAgain · 02/12/2022 09:41

araiwa · 01/12/2022 23:46

Maybe he sees no link between breakfast club and getting ready for a night out?

Just fucking ask him

I think the OP is saying that she would like her DH to "see" that she might need time to do these things and take over - without having to be asked to step in.

(Sweeping generalisation here but this is in my experience) Blokes don't see the world in the same way that women do. I don't know what it is but they just don't. Women would step in and say "Oh I'll get the kids lunches ready" without having to be asked to do it first. Blokes need to be asked. They shouldn't need to be asked but they do.

So @confusedlots, ask. Don't wait for the penny to drop.

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 10:05

OFGS this has nothing to with blokes being blokes.

Even Mystic Meg would be hard pressed to make the mental connection between OP making pack lunches in the morning and going out a full 12 hours later.

RandomMess · 02/12/2022 10:05

Now I am older and menopausal I'm convinced some of the thoughtful/caring/looking after thoughts are purely hormones.

Your oestrogen massively drops and all of a sudden you give no fucks and become far more self centred/focused on yourself. Basically more male like.

Throw in the social conditioning that women should be thoughtful, kind, considerate why would 95% of men bother to think differently?

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/12/2022 10:41

I hope you had a chance to get ready this morning, and enjoy your evening out tonight.

My feeling is that the more we explicitly communicate the things we need and want in a relationship, the better our partner can understand and even anticipate our needs and wants. So the issue is why you feel you can’t (or shouldn’t have to) ask. Is this same pattern played out in other parts of you relationship? You say you feel he would accommodate your request so what else is going on here? Perhaps no one puts you first because you don’t ever prioritise yourself. Your well-being is important to the functioning of the family, be assertive and involve your partner in making sure you can maintain it. I’m sure you would do the same for him.

softpilllow · 02/12/2022 10:44

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 02/12/2022 06:36

What does an extra 10 minutes in the morning have to do with going out in the evening? I’m a woman no and I wouldn’t have made that connection.

Same. I don't have a clue and it wouldn't occur to me to even think through someone else's whole day worth of processes if they were going out at night just in case they needed 10 mins to do those hair in the morning.

Just be a grown up and communicate?

lenalemonade · 02/12/2022 12:07

I have learned over the years that a lot of men just don't think in the same way that we do .
If I want something I ask ,instead of getting frustrated by seeing it as a lack of consideration like I did when I was younger .

Loics · 02/12/2022 12:15

Also a woman who wouldn't have made this connection. As a pp said, you could have washed your hair and let it dry overnight while you were posting at almost midnight?
Hopefully you mentioned it instead of martyring yourself!

PrincessConstance · 02/12/2022 12:31

DameHelena · 02/12/2022 09:36

I think people are being deliberately stupid asking what going out at night has to do with getting kids ready etc. It's patently obvious it's about workload and mental load, so maybe knock off the faux questions.

OP, I don't get why your DH doesn't already share the getting up, getting the kids organised and packed lunches made, taking them to breakfast club etc. This is the point, really; if he did his share, you getting ready to go out at night wouldn't seem like such a rush/big deal.

I do hear you about mental load – why do you have to be the one to organise both you and another adult? – but I think, pragmatically, you do need to just tell him. 'DH, you need to do your share of getting things ready in the mornings. And on nights when I've got something else on, I'd appreciate if it you stepped up and took it off my hands. I'm not expecting to have to keep reminding you about this; it's common sense.'

'but I think, pragmatically, you do need to just tell him. 'DH, you need to do your share of getting things ready in the mornings. And on nights when I've got something else on, I'd appreciate if it you stepped up and took it off my hands. I'm not expecting to have to keep reminding you about this; it's common sense.'

Why not ask your husband like the op should, directly, with politeness, what you want instead of being sneeringly passive-aggressive? Honestly, this thread has women just dropping in to lob insults and share stories about how they too have failed to train their husbands in the art of mind reading.😂

softpilllow · 02/12/2022 12:43

I think people are being deliberately stupid asking what going out at night has to do with getting kids ready etc. It's patently obvious it's about workload and mental load, so maybe knock off the faux questions.

Maybe I am just naturally stupid, rather then deliberately, because it really wouldn't occur to me that OP wanted extra time to get ready in the morning because she is going out at night. Ever.

Hont1986 · 02/12/2022 12:50

No-one in the world is going to come to the conclusion that they need to do the packed lunches in the morning because their partner is going out in the evening. There seems to be a huge overlap between "mental load" and "my partner doesn't read my mind".