To get a cleaner without DH knowing?

[Toastedflatbread]

The reason I don’t want him to know is not due to abuse or anything - it’s just that he is lazy, a bit with regards to housework but mostly with regards to our toddler.

I could and probably should do some housework when toddler is asleep but I’m absolutely shattered and I just want a bit of time to myself. Plus I do bits as everyone has to as otherwise no clean clothes and so on. But actually cleaning the bathroom, oven, mopping floors and so on, is hard.

So is it really awful to have a cleaner and just not tell DH? Because if I tell him he’ll just say oh it’s OK and make a plan that won’t be stuck to!

No it's never good to have secrets.
Just tell him you need respite. Get the cleaner if funds allow

Could you not hire one and tell him after.

Yes to the cleaner, no to the secret- it will just cause you stress and worry. Can you not just tell your husband that the current arrangement is not working?

DH is the master of making plans.

We wouldn’t need the cleaner because he’d do this on this day and then this and I’d do that and so on. It wouldn’t happen.

You mean he'll say no it's not necessary, promise to step up and not?

That's perfect then. Tell him and let him say that. Add the proviso that if he doesn't stick to it, no more discussion needed and it's a green light on getting a cleaner.

No secrets then.

So just tell him tasks need divvying up, do your share and make it clear that if he doesnt stick to it then you'll need to get a cleaner. Then follow through.

You can’t have a good marriage without open communication.

It sounds like you’ve discussed this and can afford it, so just book the cleaner. If he objects just say - we’re too tired and busy, we’ve tried doing it and it doesn’t work, so I’ve booked a cleaner, we can review in 3 months. Which will never happen.

I would say we need a cleaner, let him make a plan and tell him Imy plan is to book a cleaner as soon as he doesn't stick to the plan.

Then when he inevitably does that, I'd book one without consulting him and tell him after they'd been. If he complained I'd say that that was the plan.

I say that as someone who falls into the planner category.

I also think this is a good idea. If he says that, say sure, but the first time it’s not done I am booking a cleaner, then just tell him the cleaner is booked

can you afford it? Do you work?

It isn’t so much the tasks as the fact it’s near enough impossible to do them with a toddler with me. (I know - some people manage it, I can’t!) It would be so nice just to know everything has been properly cleaned at least once a week!

Yanbu and it's not really a secret. You don't ask for permission every time you spend any money do you?

You could try saying he needs to sort things by December 15th or you will be hiring a cleaner if you want to be entirely open.

Op are you not working with one kid?

I work three days a week. DH mainly WFH, but is in the office one day and I was considering getting a cleaner for that day.

If you can afford it, do it. Tell him afterwards.

"Oh I thought you'd be pleased if got it sorted, one less thing for us to do. Oh well it was really handy, it looks great doesn't it, might as well use her again once in a while*"

*every week

No. It’s not fair on the cleaner - what are they supposed to do if your dh comes home unexpectedly and asks who the hell they are?
just be honest, say you are getting a cleaner , explain why, and do it if you can afford too.

This would also work. He will appreciate a clean house and that you're all slightly less stressed and not want to go back to it

Do it! The cleaner can come when he's at work and he'll be none the wiser. Yes, he'll find out eventually and you can respond by breezily saying "oh yes, she's been coming once a week for the past three years."

Just tell him.

I wouldn't keep it secret. I'd book one, then tell him you've done so as you're both too busy to do it yourselves. What will happen though if you tell him this or if you ask him about getting one? He makes a plan that you know will never come to fruition and then – what? You say 'that'll never happen' and he takes umbrage? Because him being defensive about his plans isn't a good look. He should be enough of a grown-up to recognise when things aren't happening and accept alternative solutions.

This is exactly how I ended up buying a wardrobe at the weekend.

We both knew it was needed. We both know that if we fanny around agreeing things, we don't agree, and end up not buying anything.

We know this because we have spent three damn years with only one wardrobe.

I bit the bullet, picked a second hand one and it's here.

Husband spent 30 seconds annoyed, then said that he'd have said no in the shop, but actually, it looks nice, we need it, and he's glad the damn job is off the list.

Depends on what you want your marriage to be. I'd find needing the cleaner to be a secret depressing.

Talk to your dh.

Him: you do this on these days, I will do that on those days.

You: No, I can't do that. I'm exhausted.

Him: I'll do it.

You: Great. But the first time you don't do it, I'm hiring a cleaner.

I’d just do it, but I’d tell him, I’d not have a secret cleaner, what are you planing on doing pretending you cleaned it?

Tell him this evening that the house needs a big clean and the plan is to both spend the whole weekend on it, oven, bathrooms, floors, windows etc. When he says but I/we are doing xyz so will only be able to do it on Sunday morning counter with "Well we can't keep on top of things and it's not good for either us,. Let's get a cleaner, we can afford it and we will be less tired and it will be such a relief to have the house done".

So yo u say
"no Jack, yo ido this a lthe time. Say you'll change and let me down. I've hired a cleaner. He starts Monday

I agree with pp, better to give him an ultimatum. Let him make a plan one more time, on the understanding that as soon as he doesn't stick to it, you're getting a cleaner. When he doesn't keep to the plan, get a cleaner and no need to say anything more about it unless he asks. If he asks, it's 'yes, as I said.'