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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a cleaner without DH knowing?

85 replies

Toastedflatbread · 01/12/2022 12:13

The reason I don’t want him to know is not due to abuse or anything - it’s just that he is lazy, a bit with regards to housework but mostly with regards to our toddler.

I could and probably should do some housework when toddler is asleep but I’m absolutely shattered and I just want a bit of time to myself. Plus I do bits as everyone has to as otherwise no clean clothes and so on. But actually cleaning the bathroom, oven, mopping floors and so on, is hard.

So is it really awful to have a cleaner and just not tell DH? Because if I tell him he’ll just say oh it’s OK and make a plan that won’t be stuck to!

OP posts:
DameHelena · 01/12/2022 12:46

snowspider · 01/12/2022 12:40

Tell him this evening that the house needs a big clean and the plan is to both spend the whole weekend on it, oven, bathrooms, floors, windows etc. When he says but I/we are doing xyz so will only be able to do it on Sunday morning counter with "Well we can't keep on top of things and it's not good for either us,. Let's get a cleaner, we can afford it and we will be less tired and it will be such a relief to have the house done".

Why concoct a plan/trap like this? Why can't people just speak to their partners like adults?

mrs55 · 01/12/2022 12:47

Book the cleaner best thing I ever did ! Just tell him you’ve booked one and that’s that.

Franklyfrost · 01/12/2022 12:47

It’s not okay to have people in his home, touching his things without him knowing, it’s invasive. If you’d be paying for it you then its okay to book it, then tell him and refuse to cancel. If he says he wants to do more housework ask him how many hours and give him some extra jobs that can be done in that time.

Tell him. Otherwise he’ll find out and trust will be broken.

AlfredBasedman · 01/12/2022 12:50

If your household income is such that he won’t notice the money going out to pay the cleaner than go ahead, if you’re struggling, then obviously not.

rwalker · 01/12/2022 12:52

If you can’t get everything done yes
if it’s because u want to sit in your arse while dh at work no

helloimnew123 · 01/12/2022 12:55

I bloody love our cleaner!! Do it!

Tell him though. Lies will bite you in the arse.

Just book it, get them to come. Tell him 'the cleaner came today, look how amazing the house is' 👍🏼

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2022 12:57

You need to tell him, but just tell him it’s happening, not as a question. I don’t think there should be secrets or sneaking around though.

Thelnebriati · 01/12/2022 12:57

If he wants to be lazy he can pay his share of having a cleaner. You shouldn't have to keep it a secret.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2022 12:58

rwalker · 01/12/2022 12:52

If you can’t get everything done yes
if it’s because u want to sit in your arse while dh at work no

“Sit on your arse whilst DH at work” - what century is this? Does she not have a right to a break during the day the same as he does? I bet he has a lunch break.

And what about night wakings? If Op is doing nightwakings on the basis her H is at work and “can’t” she has even more need of a break.

EvilRingahBitch · 01/12/2022 13:00

gamerchick · 01/12/2022 12:17

You mean he'll say no it's not necessary, promise to step up and not?

That's perfect then. Tell him and let him say that. Add the proviso that if he doesn't stick to it, no more discussion needed and it's a green light on getting a cleaner.

No secrets then.

This

Whiskyvodka · 01/12/2022 13:00

rwalker · 01/12/2022 12:52

If you can’t get everything done yes
if it’s because u want to sit in your arse while dh at work no

Well actually if op can afford a cleaner then she's perfectly entitled to sit on her arse as you so eloquently put it.
Who are you? The housework police!

SallyWD · 01/12/2022 13:01

Secrets are terrible. He'd find it so odd if he found out you'd been keeping it secret - and he WILL find out. Just really work on selling it to him.

MsCactus · 01/12/2022 13:01

I have a friend like this - her partner doesn't do any housework but is very anti getting a cleaner as says they manage fine.

I'd just book one - then say youve booked one the day after her first visit. He'll love how tidy the house looks and probs won't make any more fuss.

Honestly, having a cleaner is money well spent. Me and my partner love it

greenhousegal · 01/12/2022 13:01

I have a cleaner once a fortnight. I live alone, am retired, could do it all myself but I can afford it, I have a busy life with things I like to do, and housework is so tedious.

In a couple situation I'd do as others suggested, make the plan and if it doesn't work out, get the cleaner. He won't care at the end of the day, as long as it's affordable for you both.

You can guess that neither housework nor martyrdom is on MY menu!

ICanHideButICantRun · 01/12/2022 13:08

rwalker · 01/12/2022 12:52

If you can’t get everything done yes
if it’s because u want to sit in your arse while dh at work no

Says someone who's sitting on her arse in the middle of the working week.

(And I'm self employed and work when I want, before you throw that back at me.)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2022 13:09

For me, having a cleaner has been a priority expense ever since I’ve been in full time work post study, even pre children, and during mat leaves .

oddsocksmatchifsamethickness · 01/12/2022 13:12

What's the issue? Is he paying for it? Is that the issue?

I don't know what your set up is at all. Some couples divvy up income and childcare and housework.

I was a housewife for a while but had my own money and used it for a cleaner once when I was very stressed.

tickticksnooze · 01/12/2022 13:14

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 01/12/2022 12:25

No. It’s not fair on the cleaner - what are they supposed to do if your dh comes home unexpectedly and asks who the hell they are?
just be honest, say you are getting a cleaner , explain why, and do it if you can afford too.

Yeh that would be awkward.

girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 13:14

Get the cleaner then just casually mention her.

"Oh make sure you pick your pants up so the cleaner can hoover properly"

Buteverythingsfine · 01/12/2022 13:15

Just say, I've booked a cleaner for the day you are in the office as it'll be easier for them on that day (which it will). If he says I'll do it etc, just say well, I can't, it's just not working for me, that's what I want to do, and get on with it.

SmileyClare · 01/12/2022 13:18

I clean for a lady who doesn’t tell her husband I come. He works away during the week.
She also makes me —hide— clean upstairs when her friends come over 😂

I don’t clean inside ovens though! I have a specialist company I recommend for that.

I charge £15 per hour and will also do laundry, ironing, make up beds on request. So you’re probably looking at £30 a week.

Note: self employed cleaners are in high demand my area; most have waiting lists, agencies usually more expensive.

Mischance · 01/12/2022 13:18

This is bonkers! Why would you not tell your OH!!??

Have a cleaner if needed and you can afford it - but for goodness sake tell your OH!

By the way - the method for cleaning with a toddler on hand is to get them to join in - everything - even cleaning - is play to a toddler!

2bazookas · 01/12/2022 13:19

Don't be such a pushover. Its your shared home; and if he's too lazy to do his share of the cleaning then HE needs to pay a cleaner from HIS income.

stolenstoat · 01/12/2022 13:19

Yes I did. It was a lifeline. My DH did fuck all and refused to pay for a cleaner.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/12/2022 13:24

Absolutely do not get a cleaner in secret. Get him to do it it or tell him he's paying for the cleaner.

Why would you keep it a secret?