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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a cleaner without DH knowing?

85 replies

Toastedflatbread · 01/12/2022 12:13

The reason I don’t want him to know is not due to abuse or anything - it’s just that he is lazy, a bit with regards to housework but mostly with regards to our toddler.

I could and probably should do some housework when toddler is asleep but I’m absolutely shattered and I just want a bit of time to myself. Plus I do bits as everyone has to as otherwise no clean clothes and so on. But actually cleaning the bathroom, oven, mopping floors and so on, is hard.

So is it really awful to have a cleaner and just not tell DH? Because if I tell him he’ll just say oh it’s OK and make a plan that won’t be stuck to!

OP posts:
MsFannySqueers · 01/12/2022 13:29

Do exactly as @Luredbyapomegranate says OP.

CarefreeMe · 01/12/2022 13:37

If you can afford it then definitely hire one.

But do not do it behind DH’s back.
You need to be honest with him.

If he hired a PA or nanny to come into your home you would want to know.

rippleraspberry · 01/12/2022 13:43

All of your reasons for wanting a cleaner are perfectly valid.

You need to communicate with your husband, be assertive and tell him why you do not want to do it his way.

Don't lie to him.

TeamPoc · 01/12/2022 13:46

Exactly the same situation here! We had a cleaner which was great but DH was so grumpy about how we could do it ourselves that I cancelled her. I can confirm it is NOT working out.

Dh said he could do the housework at the weekend. Even if he does, it means during that time I have to look after both kids by myself, which isn't relaxing. Previously we'd take it in turns to go for a run while the other looked after the kids, or we would go for a fun family day out.

In the end, what happens now most of the time is that I fit in the whole bloody cleaning around my working day (working from home) so we don't have to organise our weekend around stupid cleaning.

I am currently about to start mopping during my lunchbreak.

He will occasionally clean a bathroom one evening or something, but then it means the house is never fully clean all at the same time which stresses me out.

Get a cleaner, it's the best.

DameHelena · 01/12/2022 13:47

TeamPoc · 01/12/2022 13:46

Exactly the same situation here! We had a cleaner which was great but DH was so grumpy about how we could do it ourselves that I cancelled her. I can confirm it is NOT working out.

Dh said he could do the housework at the weekend. Even if he does, it means during that time I have to look after both kids by myself, which isn't relaxing. Previously we'd take it in turns to go for a run while the other looked after the kids, or we would go for a fun family day out.

In the end, what happens now most of the time is that I fit in the whole bloody cleaning around my working day (working from home) so we don't have to organise our weekend around stupid cleaning.

I am currently about to start mopping during my lunchbreak.

He will occasionally clean a bathroom one evening or something, but then it means the house is never fully clean all at the same time which stresses me out.

Get a cleaner, it's the best.

So why haven't you just got a cleaner again?
Let your DH be 'grumpy'.

Delatron · 01/12/2022 13:56

Just tell him after the event. ‘Oh yes the cleaner comes on Wednesdays’. As a fait accompli. No big deal. House is nice and tidy nobody is stressed. If he argues then tell him he needs to do x,y and z to get to that standard or the cleaner stays.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2022 13:58

Getting a cleaner if you want one and can afford it - good idea

Having to keep things secret/consider keeping things secret from spouse due to X reason - bad idea

I've been there, done that, got divorced due to poor communication. I'll never have a relationship again where I couldn't say exactly what I feel in.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/12/2022 13:59

Dont do it in secret, just tell him and if he says he'll do it or whatever say no, lets just get a cleaner for now and see how we get on. If its secret and something goes wrong it will be weird. what if the cleaner gets bleach on your carpet, or breaks something, or he's home when they come etc.

Original poster
Toastedflatbread · 01/12/2022 14:02

@TeamPoc this is what I am up against as well. I don’t think DH understands how much work is takes just to keep the house looking the same - endless clearing up after meals and laundry. I would feel much better knowing the floors are hoovered / mopped and the wooden surfaces dusted and the kitchen and bathroom cleaned once a week.

OP posts:
parietal · 01/12/2022 14:04

YANBU to get a cleaner

YABU to not tell him about it.

First, find a cleaner (they are not easy to find these days). then tell him that is what is happening.

TeamPoc · 01/12/2022 14:07

DameHelena · 01/12/2022 13:47

So why haven't you just got a cleaner again?
Let your DH be 'grumpy'.

Show quote history

@DameHelena It's been a month, I wanted to give it a fair shot before declaring I was right and it's not working.

What drives me crazy is he still won't think I'm right and will think it's working.

Except this week he's not cleaned the bathrooms because his work's been really busy.

I've been really sick, the kids have been sick and given me many sleepless nights, so I should be able to sit down with a cup of tea on my lunchbreak, not mop the floor.

But he'll argue that I'm making myself a martyr and he could have mopped at the weekend. Easy for him to say as he's out of the house all day, I have to look at a skanky floor all week.

Plus, if he's desperate to clean at the weekend there are a hundred other jobs we're not keeping on top of he could get on with (clean windows, oven, declutter garage...).

Having that basic clean done by a cleaner is the bare minimum really, and I REALLY need it for my sanity. We work really hard, both full time, have no family help, give our kids all of ourselves. We need a cleaner.

Can you tell it's a sore subject? 😁😁

Geville · 01/12/2022 14:11

Just tell him you're getting a cleaner. Put your foot down woman!

And just say no to all his plans. You need help. I think it's a great idea.

Suggest a month's trial and say after that you'll review things. then you'll both never look back.

Tontostitis · 01/12/2022 14:12

My dh is like this I now let him make the plans, leave an appropriate amount of time, one week, month, six weeks whatever and then just book the chimney sweep, window cleaner, hedge trimmer. I'd do the same if we needed a cleaner tbh. I do generally tell him after the event or just before if he's home and say you said you'd do X 3 months ago and you haven't stuck to it so this is the new plan. I just bought a robot vacuum as I'm sick of the arguments over how well and often to sweep our hardwood floors and get been arguing against it for 2 years My dh has recently retired so I'm expecting a brand new round of "I'll do it"

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/12/2022 14:12

No dont do that. You'll do it and it will be the one time he comes home ill from work or something and he will call the police on them

TeamPoc · 01/12/2022 14:13

@Toastedflatbread exactly! A cleaner doesn't mean we're not doing any cleaning! There is daily endless cleaning with laundry and washing up as it is.

At least with a cleaner you have that reset once a week that you just need to upkeep.

Last weekend I took the kids out for the day and as we had guests coming the following day, I mentioned to DH the house needed hoovering while we were out. He got so grumpy that he could finally have time to himself (which he more than deserves to have) and would now have to spend some of it hoovering.

Well, what does he expect? If you're happy to do the cleaning ourselves, I'm afraid it's not only going to be when it is convenient and you feel like it.

Welcome to my life.

Dontaskdontget · 01/12/2022 14:16

Hire cleaner. Don’t mention it. When he eventually says “the place looks nice” you say “yes I’m getting some help in occasionally cos of being so exhausted from toddler, good isn’t she.”

If he never mentions it, neither do you.

TeamPoc · 01/12/2022 14:16

@Tontostitis I'm finding it so therapeutic to see we're not the only ones having the same endless disagreement! Love your approach, I'll give a couple of months to tackle this sort of jobs and just get paid help when they don't happen.

KelvingrovesBest · 01/12/2022 14:21

You work, you need a cleaner. When I work I’ve always arranged a cleaner.
My concern is why not just be open with husband? Is he moody?
Secrets in a marriage will cause you sleepless nights.

Squeezedsquash · 01/12/2022 14:23

My DH was dead set against having a cleaner.

Until the second week of his parental leave, I’d been back at work a fortnight, and reminded him that the bathroom needed cleaning every week, whether he wanted to or not.

Truly, it’s not as obvious until you’re at home with a baby full time.

its been 10 blissful years…

Dutch1e · 01/12/2022 14:34

I would tell him that the cleaner is already booked for Thursday. When he starts planning, say "oh yes, you can do that on Mondays, it will need it by then."

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2022 14:36

DameHelena · 01/12/2022 13:47

So why haven't you just got a cleaner again?
Let your DH be 'grumpy'.

Show quote history

Get a cleaner again!

Davros · 01/12/2022 14:37

I often say that, most housework and jobs I do around the house, you wouldn't know it had been done, but if I didn't do it, you'd bloody know!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2022 14:40

When I was with exh housework was something that came up in counselling. Because he was upset not enough was getting done. We both worked full time and had/ have two kids. Already had a cleaner once a week.

So we made a rota as to when we’d do it - I did my bits/ times, he did not. Then we tried splitting it by tasks - I did my bits, he did not. Basically he thought I should be doing it all, although I worked a similar job to him and already did 90% of the childcare and most life admin.

CustardUnicorn · 01/12/2022 14:45

If he WFH 4 days a week, he can do some of it - put a wash on before he starts timed to end at lunch so he can put it out in his break etc. The odd five minute task to wake him up a bit. If he doesn't like the idea of cramming housework into the tiny bits of free time he has during the day, tell him that's how you feel too.

Get a robot hoover.

Get a cleaner too - no cleaner does 100% of everything, there will still be plenty of housework to fight over!

DameHelena · 01/12/2022 14:53

TeamPoc · 01/12/2022 14:07

@DameHelena It's been a month, I wanted to give it a fair shot before declaring I was right and it's not working.

What drives me crazy is he still won't think I'm right and will think it's working.

Except this week he's not cleaned the bathrooms because his work's been really busy.

I've been really sick, the kids have been sick and given me many sleepless nights, so I should be able to sit down with a cup of tea on my lunchbreak, not mop the floor.

But he'll argue that I'm making myself a martyr and he could have mopped at the weekend. Easy for him to say as he's out of the house all day, I have to look at a skanky floor all week.

Plus, if he's desperate to clean at the weekend there are a hundred other jobs we're not keeping on top of he could get on with (clean windows, oven, declutter garage...).

Having that basic clean done by a cleaner is the bare minimum really, and I REALLY need it for my sanity. We work really hard, both full time, have no family help, give our kids all of ourselves. We need a cleaner.

Can you tell it's a sore subject? 😁😁

Show quote history

Yes, I totally can tell it's a sore subject! Grin
Just get another cleaner, sooner rather than later! You've given it plenty of time and it obviously doesn't work for you.