To pls ask for help with DD who is refusing to eat

[Helpwithdaughterpls]

DD (12) has been doing her best not to eat since Friday following some mean comments from 'friends' that she is 'always eating' (not true she has normal appetite and weight.

I noticed this behaviour on Friday and have since been stuck in a cycle of desperately trying to get food into her and crying constantly with fear and frustration. I know I shouldn't react in front of her but I'm terrified. I'm also her only parent.

Last night we sat down and she said she felt her eating was out of control. We agreed a plan of healthy food she'd eat today as she knows she has to try and reset her relationship with food. I've told her if she can work with me to stick to the plan then I'll cancel a booked GP appointment.

I realise I am probably over reacting and ignoring the whole situation might have allowed it to blow over more quickly, but when it comes to my children's health I am completely irrational. (Due to losing their father suddenly to an illness no one spotted).

I would really appreciates insights and experiences on others on how to tackle this. I understand it's not uncommon. Thank you.

You're doing just fine OP (apart from the crying through fear and frustration - that's not going to help her).

Encourage her to stick to the plan, but also speak to the school about her friends because that's not on.

It might be worth trying to get yourself some support with the emotional side of this too.

Thank you. @girlmom21

I'm literally terrified she's going to develop a full blown eating disorder. Not sure how to control the fear at all

Speak to school about bullying.

Try to find a referral for counselling.

Do go to the GP.

Get some grief counseling for you too. Must be so hard for you both. No wonder you are so upset. Perfectly normal in your circumstances

Thank you @BlackeyedGruesome. It's not bullying, it's thoughtless comments by otherwise nice girls. They have actually apologised at length. Unfortunately it has triggered this reaction in DD though

Any other reflections or experiences massively appreciated

It must be heartbreaking for you and I can understand the frustration. I agree with the above posters about not showing your frustration or crying in front of your DD.

I think you should take DD to the GP.

You said DD does need to reset her relationship with food. I would make sure DD knows that no foods are off limits and even certain foods like cake/sugary foods are fine in moderation.

I have no DC yet by the way, but I had disordered and eating a few years ago x

It's great she's opened up to you and told you what the trigger was and that her friends have apologised. As someone who's ED manifested around the same age triggered by a throwaway comment (I'm now 50+), I can tell you that, for parents, half the battle is knowing what the underlying cause is.

Keep reinforcing that her friends know they were being unkind and said it out of spite and there's nothing wrong with how she looks. Tell her that if she wants to make healthier food choices that's something you can help with, because it will make her fitter and stronger. DO NOT mention weight. DO NOT let her weigh herself – if you have scales, throw them out now. Use how she feels and the way her clothes fit as a barometer. And definitely speak to her school to get their help on this. They should have a pastoral care team who understand ED and can support you both.

Also, don't refer to what she's doing with the healthy eating as a diet. Ever. Again, take it from someone who knows, if she loses weight and thinks it's because she went on a diet, you could trigger a lifelong rollercoaster of yo-yo dieting.

Thanks @GoonerGirl5231

I've told her she can eat whatever she wants. And she being completely open with me, which is a relief.

Keep things very calm & don't pressure.

Get her to help with choosing & preparing food. Focus on health and nutrition and feeding your body to grow, repair itself, feel good and be strong. do not mention appearance or weight at all.

@GoonerGirl5231 - was there anything else that helped you?

Thanks @MilkyYay - I'm desperately trying to keep calm.

I'm more concerned about you than your daughter - that seems a very extreme reaction. I would echo the poster saying you should look into some grief counselling.

@sevenbyseven

I've had several bouts. Unfortunately it's basically PTSD at this stage. Very sudden and traumatic death.

what do you mean by ‘healthy eating plan’? Sometimes this just feeds into an eating disorder, food shouldn’t be too much of a big deal. ED are mental health disorders so I would look at her life in general, is she happy? Has friends? Hobbies and interests? How is school going? Has she had bereavement counselling? Concentrate on all of that stuff rather than what she is eating. You know this but you being upset and tearful will make things worse. Are you getting support?

@BungleandGeorge

She is generally doing well. This has come out of nowhere

I'm glad she's being open with you – I wish I'd told my mum. I was in my twenties before I did and by then my ED was ingrained (I was bulimic). What ultimately saved me was giving up dieting, because it broke the cycle of depriving myself and then bingeing.

What I also wish someone had told me is that girls can gain up to an average of 18lbs in puberty and it's got absolutely nothing to do with what they eat, it's just hormones, and that if they let their bodies just be, the weight falls away when they hit 16-17. So many girls start their first diets in puberty because they panic that they're getting heavier and it's awful that there isn't more education about it. The article I've linked to explains it well.

I don’t have much to add that’s helpful regarding your daughter (other than to wish you luck) but is it an ill thought out comment by nice girls, or is it a ‘mean’ comment by ‘friends’? If it was intended to be upsetting then that’s very different to them making a comment that was intended to just be an observation or lighthearted. Obviously it’s sensible not to comment on someone’s eating habits but if they are nice girls they probably wouldn’t have said anything if your daughter was overweight, but because she’s not they didn’t think much of it.

I'm heavier too, but I'm happy to take that over the mental slog of constantly thinking about my weight.

Exactly @dampthursday - it really was a throwaway comment!

I agree that knowing the underlying cause is key. It might have been the throwaway comment, but if she is saying that she felt that her eating was out of control and that's why the comment got to her then there's probably some reason for the out of control eating.

I had an eating disorder as a teenager and it wasn't actually about food or weight. It just felt like that was something I could control in my life, when I felt very overwhelmed in other ways. My mum had a lot of conversations with me about weight, but never understood that the weight was irrelevant (beyond the fact it meant I was clearly being successful at keeping eating under control.) Honestly I only went back to eating enough when it was affecting my life in too many ways - fainting at gigs and struggling with school work because I couldn't concentrate. It's still something I fall back into as a coping mechanism, so I'd encourage you to get your daughter to speak to someone (you, pastoral care, counsellor) to check whether there is something going on that's manifesting in her eating habits.

Well it's a relief it isn't bullying. Kids say daft things, all of us can take it to heart. Especially when we are young. Good luck. Take care of yourself as it's been an awful time for you.

It's clearly something she's been thinking about though, or she wouldn't have taken it so to heart. Has she gained weight in recent months? Has she been comfort eating since her dad's death? I wonder, rather than going to the GP, who'll probably just give her a free subscription to WW or SW, which would be the worst thing for her right now, if you can seek counselling at her school? Or, if you can afford it, privately? (There's little point trying CAMHS, the waiting lists are ridiculous.) Could she be eating to smother her emotions?

How much is she eating @Helpwithdaughterpls?

As someone whose daughter has developed a full blown eating disorder over the last 6 months you are right to take this seriously.

If she's been having less than 500 calories a day since Friday you need to take her to a&e to get checked out.

It's not clear who will be affected by ED thoughts but it is now known that the brain distinction is actually triggered by negative energy balance/losing weight so it's key that you don't let this spiral

If she does need to go to a&e there is something called a MEED checklist they should do

Someone doesn't have to be underweight to very quickly be affected by severe restriction