To pls ask for help with DD who is refusing to eat

[Helpwithdaughterpls]

DD (12) has been doing her best not to eat since Friday following some mean comments from 'friends' that she is 'always eating' (not true she has normal appetite and weight.

I noticed this behaviour on Friday and have since been stuck in a cycle of desperately trying to get food into her and crying constantly with fear and frustration. I know I shouldn't react in front of her but I'm terrified. I'm also her only parent.

Last night we sat down and she said she felt her eating was out of control. We agreed a plan of healthy food she'd eat today as she knows she has to try and reset her relationship with food. I've told her if she can work with me to stick to the plan then I'll cancel a booked GP appointment.

I realise I am probably over reacting and ignoring the whole situation might have allowed it to blow over more quickly, but when it comes to my children's health I am completely irrational. (Due to losing their father suddenly to an illness no one spotted).

I would really appreciates insights and experiences on others on how to tackle this. I understand it's not uncommon. Thank you.

Brain DISORDER not distinction

@LittlePickleHead

Probably 800 calories ish a day

I noticed this behaviour on Friday and have since been stuck in a cycle of desperately trying to get food into her and crying constantly with fear and frustration. I know I shouldn't react in front of her but I'm terrified. I'm also her only parent.

Please stop doing this.

I know it’s easier said then done but if you make a big deal out of this then you’re going to trigger an ED which is lifelong and very damaging.

You are making a big deal out of her eating which is exactly what the friends did and why she’s feeling this way.
So you’re flaming the fire.

Tell her that food is there to be enjoyed and as long as she’s healthy she can eat as much as she wants.

Ask her if she’d like you to make some healthy meals like soup, stew, fish and vegetables etc (but some added butter or cream in for extra calories) and then do not force her to eat it.
Ask her to try it but if she doesn’t want it say that’s ok and say you’ll save it for if she wants it later.

It sounds counterproductive but the more you put pressure around food, the more she’ll see it as a big deal and not eat.

Give it a couple of days of being laid back and if she’s genuinely not eating anything and making herself ill then sit her down and calmly explain that you’ll need to make a gp appointment.

Ok so it's under 500 for two days and under 1000 for 5 so you need to go to a&e.

I can't find the new MEED checklist but this is the previous one (MARSIPAN)

Hopefully this will be enough of a wake up call, however the trip will hopefully get you on the radar of support services if needed.

If you want reassurance that it's the right next step call 111 and explain the situation, plus any other symptoms (feeling faint, leg cramps etc). They may book you an a&e slot (this is what happened when my DD started refusing food completely)

The quicker you can address this hopefully the quicker you can stop it in its tracks

@CarefreeMe with all due respect, you don't trigger an ED by being concerned, it's a biological brain disorder caused by a negative energy balance.

Focussing on healthy meals won't help - she needs to start eating full meals as quickly as possible

Sorry link to
MARSIPAN list

www.iow.nhs.uk/Downloads/Policies/Management%20of%20Really%20Seriously%20Ill%20People%20with%20Anorexia%20Nervosa%20-%20Marsipan%20policy.pdf

Feast website (lots of info here)

I know this is going to sound harsh but you need to separate your feelings from your parenting. Definitely do not cry, rant or carry on in front of her. That will only damage her and the relationship between you. You need to be calm, rational and help her to feel safe and loved. By the way, that is what you should always be doing, creating a safe environment for her. Children do not need to hear our worries and frustrations, there is absolutely nothing good that can come of it, and there is a lot of harm that can be done.

OK. So she has developed a food fear. It happens a lot and yes it is super painful. So it isn't about food at all, it is about feeling rejected by her peers. What she needs from you is unconditional love. Do not make this about food. The absolutely worst thing you can do is to create a battle of wills at meal times.
Prepare food, serve it but make meal times all about chatting and catching up. Whether or not she touches the food, let her be absolutely certain that you love her just the way she is. Listen to her, praise her, find things to laugh about. The eating/non eating is but a by-product of her experiences, it is not what defines her.

Ensure that you have good quality food available, and perhaps 4 small meals rather than 3 bigger ones. Young people need smaller amounts of food more often than grown ups.

Do you both exercise?

Hi op. Sorry you have been through such a hard time. I’m a mum of teen girls. It’s very hard for any of us on the internet to tell whether this is a one off incident or not. Do you think this may have been going on for longer than your dd is admitting? (She may not be telling you the truth if you react so emotionally which is a very good reason to remind yourself to try and calm down.)

I know it’s hard but I cant emphasise enough how important it is for you to model calmness and stability, as trust me your dd is watching you like a hawk and learning from you as to how you handle strong emotions. Maybe get some help for yourself with that? And consider some extra help for your dd? Did she have grief counselling at the time her Dad died?

If you genuinely think this is a very recent occurrence then I would do something to disrupt the pattern of your lives, like jump in the car this weekend and go and see the sea and stay overnight in a cheap hotel. Or go horse-riding or portrait painting or just take her to experience something completely outside of her usual mindset and routine. Just eat casually here and there but food is very much the minor activity, not the main show. Make it fun and take her mind off food. Remind her that there are other things going on in the world! Model having some fun!

On the other hand, if you think that this could have been going on for much longer than she has been saying (the comment about her feeling out of control around food is quite telling I think) and she has been losing weight (something that is easy to disguise btw) then you need to seek some medical advice.

Most of all though I echo pps comments about the importance of you staying calm around the subject of food.

Good luck to you both.

I am with @LittlePickleHead here. My DD started reducing what she ate in a response to her friends comments (not intended to hurt) that she had a big snack. She then started comparing what she ate to others and decided it was too much. Despite the fact she is an elite sportsperson.
Before we knew it she had AN.
The path you need to tread is between your current one and the low key ones some PP are suggesting.
You need to be calm, supportive and reassuring. But also you do need her to eat. Taking the pressure off eating and allowing her healthy food choices and alternatives, allowing her to cook her own food etc are entirely the wrong approaches for nipping a poss ED in the bud.
So you have made a meal plan. Calmly ensure she sticks to it. No negotiation.
And yes to smothering her with love and support. At the end of the day though she has to work through the anxiety herself without resorting to fasting.
She is 12 and a child. You have to calmly put your foot down, get her to eat the plan.
No food is bad food. No exercise is needed to compensate. No low fat alternatives are required. She is a child.
The sooner she gets back to proper nutrition the better. Once weight loas happens as littlepicklehead says the ED can take hold.
You have time to sort this.
I'd keep the GP appointment.

Thank you all, the different perspectives are useful

You're right to take this seriously, op. Take steps now to get her eating before she loses weight. Be strong and consistent and insist she eats all her meals.

Work on what has triggered this. Talk through the comments that upset her and find ways to work on her self esteem and strategies for coping when similar situations happen again.

I really hope you manage to nip this in the bud.

Does she have any social media/ Pinterest etc and could you discreetly check her browsing history? There are so many pro eating disorder sites out there still, and I was massively influenced by these as a teen.
💐

@Noelfieldingsjumpers

She is not allowed social media but I'll check her phone regardless

Thanks again all, we'll go to the GP tomorrow and I've started the search for a counsellor, thankfully can go private, fuck knows how anyone access support otherwise 😥

It's good she's open to seeing a counsellor right? And she says she wants to fix it as she feels like she's missing out on all her favourite foods

Hi OP you might want to join us on this thread. Some v wise people who could help
www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4641176-teen-eating-disorders-thread-7?page=24

Agree with lotts about the thread, I posted way back in the summer when I had some concerns about DD and it's been invaluable.

Also, We've started private therapy with DD but you do have to make sure you go with someone with the right experience of treating EDs. There was also a wait even with private (everywhere is overwhelmed) so I would make sure your GP takes it seriously in the short term and focus on making sure she doesn't start losing weight

As someone who has been plagued by anorexia, the fact that you know and are onto this from the start will be your daughters saviour. The longer the period of restriction the more the stomach shrinks. Therefore eating becomes more difficult and physically uncomfortable. In addition to this malnutrition impairs cognitive functioning, therefore the less she eats the harder it will be to think rationally.

In restrictive eating food really is medicine. Don't get drawn into negotiation or discussion about food, weight or shape at meal times. It won't help. Be patient but insistent. Not eating can't be an option.

That sounds really positive and with a bit of luck by taking immediate steps you'll be able to counter this before it really gets a grip. Hope the appt goes well tomorrow.

First an inappropriate hug to your DD. This sounds like a tough situation for her. Second am I right in thinking she lost her father suddenly when young and since then her mother has suffered a complex grief resulting in PTSD? Because (and please believe me when I say this is NOT parent blaming) that set of traumas might be causal factors in an ED in someone with a predisposition to it. It's not my area and the main thing I know about ED is they are complex and multifactorial in their aetiology. If you are already considering private counseling would you consider a private assessment with a clinical psychologist instead? They could work with both of you to consider all these factors and help you both identify some clear pathways for support and maintaining healthy communication and boundaries around food at home. As everyone has said it sounds like there is a lot of emotion in this situation which is understandable. A good psychologist should help you identify your own feelings abd their causes and keep them separate from the task of managing your daughters feelings about food. It's really early days. Of course she can recover. But if I am completely honest, given the state of CAMHS currently, if you have the money for private counselling I would be looking for a qualified clinical psychologist instead which will be expensive initially but may be more helpful over the long-term.

It's very likely your DDs reaction to that comment is mandated itself because of grief.

Death causes such feelings of anxiety as you've noted in yourself.

Food became something your dd could control and the thoughtless comment was the reason she could pin it on.

I'd still see the GP and ask for a referral for grief counselling. The school may even have a service she can access.

Hi OP - like a couple of other posters on your thread I'm a regular on the teen eating disorder thread thats been linked.

As others have said the causes/triggers/pre-conditions for an ED arising are complex and hopefully even if the potential is there for your DD, you're intervening early. In our case, grief, dealing with significant bereavements and the impact on family was definitely part of our journey into and with anorexia, so I'd echo the wise words from @OllytheCollie and @itsgettingweird about exploring this in more depth so that you're both alert to any patterns of thinking etc. Plus, I'd be more than happy to share how we're navigating through either on this thread or if you join us on the teen/young person ED thread.

@AtleastitsnotMonday

Thank you for your words of encouragement and I'm sorry for your own suffering. I do feel somewhat reassured that she is very open with me. I'm 99 percent certain she's not hiding anything.

@itsgettingweird

Yes we're keeping the GP appointment tomorrow, DD is keeen the GP helps her.

Since you asked for advice, my advice is to throw everything at this you can. My daughter did similar after someone made one comment. It did stop for a couple of years after only to come back later.