To pls ask for help with DD who is refusing to eat

[Helpwithdaughterpls]

DD (12) has been doing her best not to eat since Friday following some mean comments from 'friends' that she is 'always eating' (not true she has normal appetite and weight.

I noticed this behaviour on Friday and have since been stuck in a cycle of desperately trying to get food into her and crying constantly with fear and frustration. I know I shouldn't react in front of her but I'm terrified. I'm also her only parent.

Last night we sat down and she said she felt her eating was out of control. We agreed a plan of healthy food she'd eat today as she knows she has to try and reset her relationship with food. I've told her if she can work with me to stick to the plan then I'll cancel a booked GP appointment.

I realise I am probably over reacting and ignoring the whole situation might have allowed it to blow over more quickly, but when it comes to my children's health I am completely irrational. (Due to losing their father suddenly to an illness no one spotted).

I would really appreciates insights and experiences on others on how to tackle this. I understand it's not uncommon. Thank you.

As someone who had/has an ED behaviours and comments very definitely incite ED reactions and behaviours.

No ED is the same. And it's not all energy balance much of it is reactive in my experience.

Thank you @lifeinthehills, I am doing both GP and private therapist route, plus we're talking constantly. I'll throw everything plus the kitchen sink at it.

I hope your DD is better now?

I wish I could tell you she is doing better. It sounds like you're doing all you can. She is lucky to have you for support. Give yourself a pat on the back that she is talking to you. :-)

Is it possible her friends are jealous that she is normal weight despite having a good appetite?
After all they didn’t comment on her weight/appearance, just on the fact she eats frequently.

Do you have an idea what her weight and height are? If so work out her BMI so you know it's in a healthy range. (I wouldn't measure either right now though - you might want to get a recent weight measurement from a recent doctor visit instead as a guidance)

Clearly she needs to eat. She will struggle to sleep if hungry too; this might encourage her and she will be struggling at school if hungry and not well slept. In addition to various helpful comments above I'd make sure you have juice, lemonade and flavoured milk or hot chocolate available to drink for a day or two to help get her energy back.

Where does she have lunch at school? If packed lunch can she go somewhere private to eat without being watched (with agreement from the school) as she is effectively being bullied.

Managed to get a small breakfast of egg, salmon and spinach into her with gentle insistence and large milky iced coffee.

Whoever said 'food is medicine' - that's super helpful and I keep telling her the same. GP later. School shut today so I'll be ordering her favourite lunch which she'll hopefully eat at least half of. Really hoping we can stop this escalating.

That's a very decent breakfast, OP. That's great.

@lifeinthehills

It was only 1 egg, small portion of salmon and a bit of spinach but definitely a good start to the day!!

Together with the large iced coffee, I'd find that a hefty breakfast, but appetites differ. It's a good breakfast IMO.

Have you looked into Sustagen? That's one thing that is always recommended here to get calories and nutrition into the diet. Bonus - it tastes great.

@lifeinthehills

I haven't heard Sustagen - does it taste nice? She could take it in her school bottle and avoid the eating stress there if she wanted..

I agree that breakfast would be a good portion IF she eats for rest of day...she's tall and growing fast so she really does need 2000 plus calories

Sorry, I asked for the link post to be removed due to an error in it. Ebay has some Sustagen. Pharmacies probably have it. I used the hospital one for someone with a mal-absorption medical problem. The only flavour anyone has ever complained about is the strawberry one. I'm partial to the chocolate one. It does taste nice. You can get the powder or ready made up.

@Helpwithdaughterpls I would just give a slight word of caution about replacing meals with liquids completely - we had to introduce fortisips supplements for my DD during her food refusal and getting her back onto solids is very slow and painful - drinking is psychologically easier but it can create habits/dependencies.

Using it as an addition to small amounts of food (that you can then increase) might be less risky

BTW, if your daughter isn't actually underweight and is getting enough calories, you probably don't need something like this. I can actually get the ready made stuff in my supermarket, in the breakfast section, so it's otherwise just a high calorie food drink.

@lifeinthehills and @LittlePickleHead

Good advice thank you. Was just thinking if she's self conscious eating at school then drinks might be a temporary solution, she would obviously still be expected to eat solid food at home.

Yes, that's what I was suggesting, if not clear. Normal meal, then add this on top of it, or between. But only if calories are otherwise insufficient or your daughter is underweight. Maybe something to discuss with the pharmacist or doctor first? It's not a substitute for a meal.

I think I agree with this. I went through several phases of “diets” when I hit my teens. All completely ridiculous and unhealthy but my mum (appeared at least) to take them in her stride and fortunately they never lasted long and no eating disorder developed.

Hugs though. Easy to look in but very different to having to deal with it in real life. Hoping I don’t have to deal with this in a few years with my own DC.

Will all due respect stop being hysterical.

(Source: ED since teenage years, historical mother).

You're making this a much bigger deal than need to be, making a big deal out of food and eating. She's picking up in your behaviour and emotions.

If it was just some throwaway comment and she's otherwise never shown signs of issues, just move on.

Take her out for a nice meal. Don't overreact. Move on. It's not good to keep an anxious atmosphere about it.

@Miajk

She's been eating less than 500-1000 calories a day for a week now. I can't ignore it, she'll faint/get ill.

@Miajk

If there were things your mother did that were helpful or unhelpful I'd be grateful for any advice though. I'm doing my best to strike a balance.

I do understand your concern but I do think it will pass.

One conversation should be enough. No GP appointments, no anxiety, no continuous focus on it.

I could never be open with my mum because whatever I'd tell her she'd worry sick and get hysterical so I felt like its best for me to cope with everything alone.

If she isn't eating enough, her hair will fall out, her skin will get worse (hormones), she will not have enough energy and she'll start losing muscle mass (so even if she wants to lose weight it's counter productive).

Address it once as a matter of fact. No forcing, no nothing. If vanity is the driving force the above should discourage her enough.

@Miajk I wish it had been that easy with my daughter! Unfortunately me not wanting to make too much of a fuss early on allowed the situation to get worse. No amount of reasoning about hair failing out and not being able to do activities she loves (even though this is a reality) has made a difference

I agree OP needs to be calm and reassuring, but ignoring and hoping it will go away is too far the other direction IME. Her DD is restricting at a level that will lead to rapid weight loss, and that is the risk factor for developing a full blown ED

I am doing my best to be calm and reassuring. She wants my help. We talk openly.

So over the weekend DD probably ate just enough calories to hit 2000 a day but mostly through snacks not meals and she required a lot of coaxing.

I'm lost as to how best to support her. It's not an ED, she's not being secretive or making any reference to body image. It's all about proving something to her friends. I don't know whether to continue making sure she eats or just let it resolve! She has counselling booked regardless, as her reaction is extreme.

You sound like a lovely mum who is being supportive and has immediately noticed something which could have turned into an eating disorder if you'd not been so attentive.

I'd just keep chatting with her. If she is 'always eating' ask her if she thinks it would be worth keeping a food diary to discover whether she eats because she is hungry/feels low ebergy or because she is bored or as an emotional comfort. If it's due to hunger, she might have a fast metabolism or blood sugar irregularities. Some people need several small snacks a day, not three meals. Suggest she tries having just three healthy meals and no snacks one day, then another day, five to seven smaller snack-sized meals that add up to similar intake of healthy food - which does she prefer?