WIBU to take DD's advent calendar away to teach her to say thank you

[ItsNotReallyChaos]

My DD (5) is articulate and has full understanding of basic manners but she's driving me mad at the moment because she won't reply 'hello' if someone says hello to her, won't say 'bye' as we leave somewhere.

I've just given her her advent calendar and she didn't say thank you.

She's not a spoilt child in terms of material stuff. I only really buy presents for birthday/Christmas, with the occasional book bought in between times but she just never seems grateful to receive things. You'd think she received stuff on a daily basis if you saw her not-bothered response to being given something nice.

I feel like I've failed her as by now, hello, goodbye and thank you should be automatic.

Any advice?

And would it be totally unreasonable to take the Advent calendar away to try to teach her the hard way to say thank you!

I think it’s disproportionate. I’d keep prompting. Do you all model it too eg if you give dh a cup of tea does he say thank you each time. Maybe start a things to be thankful for type chat at dinner time. Do you explain why eg it’s nice to say thank you for having me I had a nice time as it makes other person happy and they know you did so may invite you again.

Well you do have to remind her!

Did you just take it straight back off her?

It's not even the 1st yet.

Oh for crying out loud.
Kids misbehave.

Doesn't mean they have anxiety / mutism / autism / ADHD or whatever else is so easily thrown around on here. There really is no need to try and label a child the second manners slip out the window.

And YABU OP, not for the whole month. Too late to say anything now that drastic. Just have a chat about matters etc.

This is such a very British non-issue 😂Constantly fretting over ps and qs, especially with small children. I’m glad my mum was not British - I learned to say please and thank you without all this drama, conflict and patronisation. Taking a Christmas calendar away, WTAF?

I think you're mean. If this is real I'd look at your connection to your child. What do you love doing together? What do they enjoy? Make a fuss and spend some time together over the weekend doing chilled things.

That would really annoy me. It's important that my girls have manners and have been really good with it since they cld talk about age 2.

However I wouldn't take her calendar off her that's too much. You could do a different more simple punishment, no screen time or no treats that day.

What I would do is sit down and have a talk with her about it and how it's rude and she needs to stop ignoring people and saying thank you. In future say to her every single time she is ignoring people or not saying thank you. She'll prob get bored of that, well u hope so!

Please don't. Remind her of her manners gently, be consistent and she'll get it. She's still very young, don't fret.

Did she miss out the other manners or have you just got ruder in adulthood?

What an overreaction to a simple issue. Of course a 5 year old isn't subconsciously trying to tell you something. She hasn't yet learned to say please and thank you, that's all. She'll get there.

Do you all say please and thank you to each other at home? I'd be working on these things in the home and not really pushing it too hard elsewhere.

It's different saying bye to Granny than saying it to strangers (and we spend so much time telling our kids not to talk to strangers anyway).

It's the 29th November, why have you given it her now?
She might feel awkward and uncomfortable rather than deliberately being rude. She's only little, give her a break.

This. Years and years of "what do you say..?", modelling and reminding.

She's 11 now and still forgets occasionally. It happens.

Just say ‘Amelia, remember your thank you. It’s polite to say thank you when you’re given something. Amelia, it’s rude to ignore people, we always say hello/bye.’ Snatching away her advent calendar isn’t going to teach her to say thank you, it’s the kind of weirdly aggressive thing that could really confuse and hurt a child.

Also remember to model it. I know so many parents who are the type to be snapping ‘what do you say, what do you say’ as soon as their child is handed anything, but they aren’t quick to say ‘thank you for doing that, James’ when their child does something for them. Do you make sure to thank her and each other regularly?

YABU. It's not innate in her so she's not going to magically figure out why you're punishing her. As others have said, you just have to keep reminding her.

Poor little thing might be shy, or feel awkward in social situations.

She's FIVE - calm down ffs! Total over reaction and would be a bloody horrible thing to do!

My 13 and 14 year old still need reminders on "Thankyou". Infuriating as manners is something that's always been taught to them by me and extended family. I think it's a mix of minor rebellion, little bit of entitlement and also just them still being young and their brains being squishy.

Parenting is a long stretch. I have faith that they will be well rounded humans eventually 😊

Please stop pressuring her to say hello and goodbye or thank you to total strangers. She could be shy or autistic.

As for expecting a thank you for an advent calendar I think that’s a bit OTT. Does she also need to thank you for the Christmas tree?

She’s five, you’re being ridiculous.

But a pp is right that you should consider low profile Selective Mutism. The pressure to say these words (which are apparently the very hardest for people with SM to say) will increase her anxiety and make it less likely that she will be able to speak.

being given a gift and the pressure to give an exoected response can be overwhelming for young children (and some adults).

Don’t punish her, and don’t pressurise her, it will come.

As for others… advocate for your child. ‘ She is finding those words hard to say right now’ - and model saying thank you. But don’t tell her off.

She’s 5. I remember having to prompt “say thank you” quite frequently at that age. Especially if the child has been overwhelmed with an unexpected something.

Chose your battles op, keep reminding her to say hello or thank you. Don’t punish her for the entirety of December, that’s just nasty. Just keep parenting, reminding her of her manners.

Short pull up each time.

did you want the advent calendar? Did you like it?

what do you need to respond with?

Find a reason why the advent calendar has to be kept on a high up shelf so she has to ask politely and say thank you every day if she wants to open it.

Just keep modelling it to her. She will pick it up

This
Feels a bit mean to give it and then take it away later.