Tell me your CF triumphs please

[Sickofcoughing]

In real life I know I am regarded as calm and assertive. In lots of way I am definitely able to speak up for myself.

However CFs get right under my skin. I am a fairly generous person, I like to treat people and it leaves me feeling good. 99% of the time any financial deficit is negligible in friendships, I certainly never notice it.

Except of course for the one I started the thread about. This friendship spans decades. She is a shameless CF. I genuinely think I love but heavily dislike her. It's exhausting being around her because I always have to be on guard for being scammed into paying for something.

I continue to do nothing about it except carry all the resentment by quietly seething. Pathetic yes, I know.

Inspired by this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4687359-lift-for-5-years-aibu?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share can you please share with me your victory stories of how you finally called out the CFs in your lives and came away feeling good about it?

This is amazing! How was it at work with them after?!

I seriously suggest that it is you who is out of step, Tsort, and who could leave the thread and stop being a CF. Oh, and a total bore.

I used to have a CF neighbour. She seemed to think it was her job to fill my time off doing her favours. I worked at a uni and my timetable changed each semester, so each semester she would ask, pen and notepad poised, "so what hours are you working this term?" Could I have her DD (age 4)? Could I have her dog? Could I put their bins out, feed their koi carp and water their many and various pots while they were away for 2 weeks (I asked if they would put our bins out when we were away for a week - the only favour I ever asked - they forgot). Constantly asked to have their daughter, dog, give lifts, pick up dog from dog minder, get her some shopping when doing mine. Got to the point I cleared out the garage so I could hide the car in there so she wouldn't know I was home. I even hid under the table once when she was ringing the door bell.

We eventually moved away, about a 15 minute drive. When she heard where she said "Oh that's near where Katie has riding lessons!" I had visions of being asked to pick Katie up every week and keep her amused until CF collected her. We moved and didn't leave our address. She text me and I blocked her. She then texted my daughter who had occasionally babysat for them, saying" I'm trying to get hold of your mum! " I said to ignore and block. It was a lesson learned though - I now never get further than pleasantries with neighbours. I really don't want to get involved.

No, I never started a thread about her but I do remember that one. Mine was an ongoing battle for over 10 years till they moved to a different club (our coach refused to take her) although I did get hijacked for rides from competitions and other events for a few years after.

There are posts I see where a poster for example is advised to send their bank details to settle up with someone for an amount less than £10. In a million years that would never happen in my circles. Never. I'm not saying it couldn't happen in other parts of Ireland btw, I've only lived in three counties here. I've lived and worked in multiple countries, you cannot underestimate the differences with local culture.

Can you link to any of these threads, OP? Because I don't think this is the truth.

I don't think anyone is fussed about settling up a tenner with a friend. It's only when someone is consistently taking advantage and never puts their hand in their pocket for coffees, cake, drinks, lunch etc that the advice is to make sure the CF pays for their food/drink.

I'm not English but your subtext seems to be Irish are generous, English are tight, so I can see why that will get backs up on a predominantly English site.

Thank you so much for sharing your insightful wisdom

That's not my subtext @poefaced no. Your interpretation says more about you. The subtext is that different cultures carry different nuances and if you're unfamiliar with them you may unwittingly offended someone.

So for example, an Irish person (in my circles) says "I'll get you a drink" if they are going to the bar and they do but there is an understanding that the other person will buy them one back. If the other person accepts it's reasonable to expect one back.
If the other person does not intend to buy back or does not want to get into rounds it's perfectly acceptable to say "no thanks, I'm only staying for one so I'll get my own."

But if you didn't know that you could cheerfully accept the drink then just buy your own afterwards.

My CF friend always accepts drinks from extended group members, I personally never get her a drink. But then that's awkward as if there are a few people there I would like to offer the table a drink and I feel i can't so it's stressful. I've asked my boyfriend not to offer her drinks and he's ignored me as he finds that too rude. But she will never offer, ever.

😂

I looked at the title of the thread and was then surprised by how many people seemed not to have done that, or had decided to ignore it in favour of proffering unsolicited advice and even abuse. And that's without saying "I couldn't be bothered to read the OP, but here is my advice on the thing I haven't bothered to read".

Weird. Is this a Mumsnet thing, or is it perhaps an AIBU thing?

I know @AskingQuestionsAllTheTime I wonder did I phrase my op really badly? Loads of people have told me what to do with regard to this one situation which is not what I asked for. It was ages ago for a start but the ongoing irritation re-emerges the occasional time I spend with her.

Did you read the thread I linked to? I was so impressed with the OP, she calmly, politely and unapologetically called out her CF after five years. I was genuinely inspired and wanted to hear more similar stories.

Sickofcoughing
Did you read the thread I linked to? I was so impressed with the OP, she calmly, politely and unapologetically called out her CF after five years. I was genuinely inspired and wanted to hear more similar stories.

Yes, I read that one and thought "Yay!" repeatedly. Inspirational indeed.

I have never actually managed to deal with a cf with any dignity, but then I tend simply to back delicately away after the first occasion and fail to notice such a person after that, so I didn't have any examples to offer you. It's either that or perhaps I am that cf but I haven't realised I am doing it! (Except I learned early, with two much older brothers, that I had damn well better pay my own way if I wanted to go along on any adventures.)

You weren’t asking me but I’d say the OP was worded badly because it sounded like a journalist fishing post: you know, “Inspired by this thread about standing up to CF, share your story here!” Naturally everyone wanted you to go first, and you didn’t have a tale of standing up to yours – but you did have a lot of stories about your CF ex-friend. So inevitably people were more interested in that situation than in a show-and-tell thread.

On the other hand, sometimes threads just go awry. Post the same thing on another day and you get entirely different responses, it’s the drop of water running down Laura Dern’s hand in Jurassic Park: chaos theory.

Woah, I think you're reading something in that's not there at all. It's nothing to do with bring generous or tight - it's about the unspoken behaviours and expectations of Irish culture, as well as the general lack of directness.

Did you read the article I linked earlier? It discusses research into the speech patterns of Irish English and the link to Irish culture. Research shows that Irish people say 'sorry' more than anyone else. And they qualify with 'would' rather than 'will' for fear of being too direct. A lot of it is directly related to sentence structure in the Irish language, for instance, there is no 'yes' or 'no' in Irish.

Here it is again: www.rte.ie/brainstorm/2022/1128/1338677-ireland-language-talk-conversation-indirect-politeness/

That makes sense @stuntbubbles

Unfortunately when you say you see on MN that people send their bank details to settle up with someone for an amount less than £10 and that this wouldn't happen in OP's circles in Ireland, then the implication is English/Brits are tight.

That article is an opinion piece, here is an article on why English people say sorry so often.

I would say saying sorry often is a trait of both British and Irish people.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/why-english-people-say-sorry-so-often-a6899886.html

@poefaced it's more than an Irish person won't ask as that would be rude but the other person would be expected to offer.

Maybe my point is getting lost because it seems to be based on a small amount of money.

Years ago at a party my friend's non Irish (not English either) boyfriend accidentally knocked info one of the other women and broke her tooth. She burst into tears and he was horrified. There was no question it was an accident.

He said he'd pay for the dentist and she said it was ok. He said well actually I'll just pay half and she said icily nevermind.

She never liked him after that. He had gone the wrong direction. She'd said no it's ok and he should have insisted harder not softer. He had no idea what he was supposed to be doing and when she said no it's ok nevermind, he took her at face value.

Even in Ireland I've lived in Dublin and another city two hours away. I used to have to drastically change my communication style as my direct Dublin personality was deemed way too brash and direct. "Are you annoyed with me?" To Dublin friends "yes, I am a bit" explain why and it's cleared up. To non Dublin friends "yes I am a bit" explain why, they say they're sorry then hold it against me forever.

The difference is my friend knows what she's doing and she's relying on social constraints to always get away with it.

I gave up on a friendship that was 20 years old after finally realising that the cheeky fork was never going to change it was Christmas and she’d had a baby in the febuary this was not a planned pregnancy and couldn’t have come at a worse time she had made no arrangements or plans financially for having a child found herself in a difficult spot and no father support. She had told me that she had been struggling to get money together for Christmas presents feeling really sorry for her and understanding the situation she was in I purchased the things that she wanted for her daughter and also a treat for her on New Year’s Day when I arrived with a few other friends who brought gifts she acted like I had turned up empty handed despite me paying for everything including her nails a week before.

Did you walk away with no explanation @Kate0902900908 or did you have it out with her first?

@Sickofcoughing

My friend was caught out by a very similar sounding biz advertising directory/magazine scam... they periodically ring her up and threaten her or sometimes, seemingly forget that she allegedly owes them money (for an ad in a magazine that has never appeared in print anywhere and is nothing to do with the organisations it claims to be affiliated with) and try to sell her another ad!

She does the same, letters go in the bin, calls if its definitely them, are answered with a whistle if shes in the mind and has a dog whistle on her (she is a dog trainer... so sometimes) or she calls them out for the lying scammers they are and they hang up on her, sometimes they swear back!

They truly are sick, they've claimed to be linked to an anti bullying campaign and also to the police.. they are neither, just scammers.

It was awkward as unfortunately CF was a very assertive bossy type and the other two still spoke to me but CF never did .Fortunately our jobs didn't involve crossing paths too much..The other two ,one in particular although privately agreed with me ,remained friends with CF and thing neither would go out with me again without CF even though she wanted nothing do with me. They were both scared of her on some level. Was a shame because l lost three friends effectively . One was a particularly close friend too or so l thought .She spoke to me in private once about it and said she knew it was unfair about the baggage and l pointed out also that DH had saved everyone a fortune then CF had got nasty over a fiver. She said she hadn't thought of that aspect but yes she could see mine and DHs point now.
She also remembered l had actually pleaded with DH to go after CF and take her home but he was adamant. I asked meet her a couple of times for a coffee/drink etc but she just wouldnt meet 'behind CFs back'. Fence post up backside/easiest course of resistance for some people l suppose.

I went out for a meal with work when I was a student. At the end everyone chipped in- but rounded up/put in a bit more that they owed. It was only at the end that we realised that one of the work colleagues hadn't paid - she basically decided we could all cover her lunch.
One of the others called it out and made her pay- apparently she got a way with it a lot

Sometimes you have to decapitate the 'friendship' - quicker and easier than the death by a thousand cuts route.

An opinion piece that is an analysis from a PhD student researching linguistics and linking to published research... but OK.

The example the OP gave (not me) is not about Irish generosity versus English tightness. The point she is making is not that you wouldn't expect to be paid back ten quid - you absolutely do expect to get it back - but you can't be direct about it and only take the money if the person insists on putting cash in your hand (or hiding it in you bag/pocket). Even then, you'd probably play the 'no, take it back' game a few times.

Only if you were asked 5+ times could you consider giving your bank details to someone else for 10. It might be acceptable for 100, just. As Mrs Doyle would say, go on, go on, go on... In other cultures, it's not a big deal all, just a practical efficient way to repay someone - there's no inherent rudeness in handing over your Iban.

The point is that there are cultural differences in language and expected behaviours between Irish English and British/American/Canadian English. Just as there are similar differences between other pairings. Just because we communicate using the same language doesn't mean that the words and phrases we use impart the same meaning.

How funny, I thought exactly what @stuntbubbles wrote (You weren’t asking me but I’d say the OP was worded badly because it sounded like a journalist fishing post: you know, “Inspired by this thread about standing up to CF, share your story here!” Naturally everyone wanted you to go first, and you didn’t have a tale of standing up to yours – but you did have a lot of stories about your CF ex-friend. So inevitably people were more interested in that situation than in a show-and-tell thread) when I first started the thread.

But the op was so fab in the face of a particularly tedious poster that they won me over!

The worst CFers were friend of my brother's. He had a sneaky party at home one weekend when my parents were away. The CF came and parked his car in the drive. Next morning he gave the keys to his girlfriend, who wanted to learn how to drive. She crashed into my father's car on the drive, causing a good deal of damage. My father was furious, and to make it worse, both the CF and his girlfriend refused to pay for the damage. My dad had to threaten to take them to court in order to get any money out of them. And even then, CF only agreed to pay a third, his girlfriend paid a third and my brother had to make up the final third. Needless to say they were no longer welcome at our house. And my brother was pretty much PNG as well.