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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me your CF triumphs please

279 replies

Sickofcoughing · 29/11/2022 13:16

In real life I know I am regarded as calm and assertive. In lots of way I am definitely able to speak up for myself.

However CFs get right under my skin. I am a fairly generous person, I like to treat people and it leaves me feeling good. 99% of the time any financial deficit is negligible in friendships, I certainly never notice it.

Except of course for the one I started the thread about. This friendship spans decades. She is a shameless CF. I genuinely think I love but heavily dislike her. It's exhausting being around her because I always have to be on guard for being scammed into paying for something.

I continue to do nothing about it except carry all the resentment by quietly seething. Pathetic yes, I know.

Inspired by this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4687359-lift-for-5-years-aibu?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share can you please share with me your victory stories of how you finally called out the CFs in your lives and came away feeling good about it?

OP posts:
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 30/11/2022 20:55

SaponificationQueen
I’m confused by the term CF. I don’t know what it stands for. By the post and replies, I get the gist of it. Would someone please enlighten me?

I would suggest that a cheeky fucker (for that is what CF stands for) is a person who takes unreasonable advantage while pretending not to realise they are doing anything out of the ordinary and being blithely oblivious of the notion that they might pay their own way and not sponge off people with less than they have.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/11/2022 23:23

KettrickenSmiled · 30/11/2022 17:17

DH got mad at me for agreeing but it was super awkward, especially when I didn't have a proper reason to say no other than I simply didn't want to.
"I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason.

Now I just lie my arse off to keep the peace a bit.
You don't need to lie. See above!
As for your neighbour cheeky fuckers - "I don't want to because I'm not your unpaid chauffeur & you have taken the piss long enough" would do ...

Channel your inner Phoebe

SaponificationQueen · 01/12/2022 00:45

Thanks so much. The Cheeky Fucker description is what I was thinking it meant. Thanks so much for explaining that.

Stewball01 · 01/12/2022 06:58

Could somebody tell me what CF stands for]? 🙂

poefaced · 01/12/2022 07:00

@Stewball01 it’s been explained a few times upthread.

SaponificationQueen · 01/12/2022 10:20

I asked the same thing. It’s Cheeky Fucker.

Dogsinthecradle · 01/12/2022 10:59

Not my story but a friends,which she told me last night

years ago she was a 17 year old single mum and was going mad at home so found the details of the local ‘stay and play’ just to get out of the house

she rocks up with lo and another mum (who my friend has never met before) does the whole ‘oh could you just keep an eye on my lo please?I’ll be a few minutes’

friend agrees thinking mum just needs the loo or something and mum slips away

and doesn’t come back

4 hours later (stay and play is long over by this time) the leaders are on the verge of phoning the police and my friend feels like she can’t just leave the lo when mum comes strolling back in to pick lo up

shed left her baby with my friend-and fucked off home for a cup of tea and a fag but ‘lost track of time’

the leaders of the group had a go at her but it was water off a ducks back

the following week my friend goes back and there is this woman,sitting there like nothings happened,she sees my friend and makes a beeline for her

my friend had to leg it out of there and never went back!

who leaves a 5 month old baby with a complete stranger for hours?!

KettrickenSmiled · 01/12/2022 11:04

my friend had to leg it out of there and never went back!

That is some amazing CF'dom @Dogsinthecradle - but did your friend seriously run away, change her plans, upset her own routine, because she was unable to say the simple word "no" this second time around?

Dogsinthecradle · 01/12/2022 11:06

KettrickenSmiled · 01/12/2022 11:04

my friend had to leg it out of there and never went back!

That is some amazing CF'dom @Dogsinthecradle - but did your friend seriously run away, change her plans, upset her own routine, because she was unable to say the simple word "no" this second time around?

She didn’t say no the second time-she just turned and walked out
shes the sort of person that will do anyone a favour and people can and do take the piss out of her
she wasn’t taking any chances with this woman-plus she’d found another group which she liked better

Solonge · 01/12/2022 14:02

Sickofcoughing · 29/11/2022 14:04

But that's the point, I haven't got there yet. I just swallow it up and seethe. It's going on for decades and it never seems that this coffee, lift, bottle of wine should be the one to merit a fallout.

It's an ongoing thing - the bill will come after she's previously offered to pay and she will excuse herself for a fag, a phonecall, the bathroom. I'll wait it out then finally call her over, she will faux innocently say "how much is my half" then already completely exasperated will throw down my half.

There are hundreds of stories and it always ends up the same way.

The odd time I've steeled myself to not allow it ends up being even more annoying as I'm constantly on guard.

One summer friends of ours threw a big bash. They often do this at the end of the summer, they have a big house by a lake in a remote part of the country. The parties are always casual; first come first served parents and kids get given priority in the form of a bedroom in the house, anyone else throws a tent up in the garden, stays in their campervan or if that doesn't work books into the local hotel and gets a taxi.

Everyone brings their own booze but it gets shared too, making cocktails etc. The hosts do a big BBQ (they are incredible cooks), everybody takes salads and there is always a whiparound the next day to make a financial contribution by way of thanks.

I had recovered from a serious illness earlier that year so the hosts asked me if I'd like to bring an airbed and set up a station in the loft away from everyone else. I was delighted and arranged to borrow my mother's as she had a really good one.

I was travelling on public transport and this all required about six hours bus time without collecting the airbed. My last one hour travel leg coincided with CF and we had arranged to travel together.

I've been travelling a few hours already when a mutual friend phones and sheepishly informs me she's sorry but there isn't enough room in the car for me only CF as they have all the kiddie things too. I'm confused as we had no arrangement but it turns out CF had negotiated a lift but not told me. No problem I was getting the bus anyway. Mutual friend then offers to collect my mum's airbed as it's on their way. I am surprised she had heard I was originally bringing an airbed and tell her that I reconsidered and have decided to book the hotel, it's really good value and I'm looking forward to a bit of metime, hotel breakfast and all that. The medication I'm on has some difficult side effects and I want the quiet room. Everyone knows about this. Mutual friend hangs up after saying she's looking forward to seeing me out and about at the party.

Bear in mind CF hadn't told me she wouldn't be at the bus or mentioned my airbed. In fact I haven't heard from her at all for a few days.

I get a text message from CF demanding to know why I'm no longer taking the airbed along as she was going to share with me and now she has nowhere to stay.

I'm stunned and ignore. Mutual friend arrives at hotel after me with her husband and child. They are staying there too. We are checking in and getting ready for the party. They explain they had to deliver CF straight to party as she was being pretty clear she intended to 'bunk in' with me seeing as I'm so rich i can throw money at hotel rooms. I haven't been able to work for almost a year at this stage.

I go to the party, the experience now a bit soured. I've taken two bottles of spirits, one to donate and one to keep. CF tries to take the donated one but I say no sorry it's a gift for the hosts. She scowls. The next five hours she then doesn't leave my side and every time I pour myself or anyone a drink she's asking can she have one too. I had about four small measures out of the bottle all day but was getting agitated that I didn't seem to be given a choice about who I offered it to.

After many hours of this I realised I wasn't even enjoying myself so I get up to leave. She tells me again she has no place to sleep, I pretend to be loudly surprised then there's a big flurry of people trying to locate a tent for her. She won't say bye to me as the accusation is implicit - I'm leaving her stranded.

A tent gets erected while I'm waiting for my taxi and bedding is produced. I find out later she slept in one of the bedrooms.

So even though I said no to everything, it was more effort than giving in and saying oh listen you can share my hotel room, they won't know.

Oh Op....she isnt a friend....she is a leech. You need to book an hour of quiet time with her.....your house or somewhere you can speak privately...and tell her in simple words what you expressed above....she is just living off you...sucking the blood out of you...you are a means to an end and she is the opposite of a friend. You dont love her...she has made you needful of her.....like reading a crap, nasty racist paper that someone buys and eventually they start believing the crap they read. Just tell her, you are sorry...but this relationship has run out of juice...then go detox yourself. Once she is gone...you will wonder why you ever bothered.

Original poster
Sickofcoughing · 01/12/2022 15:08

Dogsinthecradle · 01/12/2022 11:06

She didn’t say no the second time-she just turned and walked out
shes the sort of person that will do anyone a favour and people can and do take the piss out of her
she wasn’t taking any chances with this woman-plus she’d found another group which she liked better

Show quote history

She was absolutely right. It wouldn't have been a simple no the second time, it would have been relentless asks for more and more. Your friend was a teen mum so quite likely did not have an organic group of new mum mates so she had to go and find one. Why pursue establishing routines with this group when it was already causing problems?

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 01/12/2022 15:28

Sickofcoughing · 01/12/2022 15:08

She was absolutely right. It wouldn't have been a simple no the second time, it would have been relentless asks for more and more. Your friend was a teen mum so quite likely did not have an organic group of new mum mates so she had to go and find one. Why pursue establishing routines with this group when it was already causing problems?

Show quote history

These sorts of threads are always so interesting because they show how very different we all are. I genuinely cannot understand this as a mindset.

SinnerBoy · 03/12/2022 15:38

My SiL is a serious CF.

When her kids were young and we didn't have ours, she'd ring me up, out of the blue and tell me I had to be at hers in 20 minutes, to take her and the kids out.

I'd explain that I was out and about, it'd be at least an hour and to call my wife to get ready. I'd get home, my wife was still in bed and we'd get over there. SiL would wait by the window until she saw the car, then phone and scream abuse at me.

At the door, she'd shout more, " How dare you! I told you to be here at 10! Why did you even bother? You've ruined my day!" She'd then feed the kids, even if it wasn't lunchtime, before insisting that we go where she'd wanted.

She didn't drive and also never had the car seats. I got to asking her and she'd scream at me, saying that it wasn't necessary for them - at 1 &4! I used to call her husband and pick them up, as it was directly en route.

I asked why she was so horrible and asked my wife to stick up for me, she said that I'd provoked her and anyway, I swore at her and called her nasty names. That was completely untrue, as I was on eggshells round her and would take a book to another room, rather than be in the same space.

One day, she called and ordered me to be her chauffeur. I explained that, sorry, I was busy going to see the bank manager and that she needed to give a day of notice. She screamed and swore and then hung up.

A few minutes later, my wife came downstairs and said that she'd had her sister on the phone, weeping hysterically and listing all of my screaming and swearing and how I'd called her a cunt, a bitch and a whore.

She told SiL that she was lying, as she'd heard everything. SiL hung up and wouldn't talk to her for a month.

My wife admitted that she'd never heard me shout or swear at her, she had been taking her sister's word for it. The penny dropped for me.

I try to have as little as possible to do with her. She also never ever once thanked me for taking her and her kids out, paying for their food, or offered petrol money.

RishisProudMum · 03/12/2022 16:29

SinnerBoy · 03/12/2022 15:38

My SiL is a serious CF.

When her kids were young and we didn't have ours, she'd ring me up, out of the blue and tell me I had to be at hers in 20 minutes, to take her and the kids out.

I'd explain that I was out and about, it'd be at least an hour and to call my wife to get ready. I'd get home, my wife was still in bed and we'd get over there. SiL would wait by the window until she saw the car, then phone and scream abuse at me.

At the door, she'd shout more, " How dare you! I told you to be here at 10! Why did you even bother? You've ruined my day!" She'd then feed the kids, even if it wasn't lunchtime, before insisting that we go where she'd wanted.

She didn't drive and also never had the car seats. I got to asking her and she'd scream at me, saying that it wasn't necessary for them - at 1 &4! I used to call her husband and pick them up, as it was directly en route.

I asked why she was so horrible and asked my wife to stick up for me, she said that I'd provoked her and anyway, I swore at her and called her nasty names. That was completely untrue, as I was on eggshells round her and would take a book to another room, rather than be in the same space.

One day, she called and ordered me to be her chauffeur. I explained that, sorry, I was busy going to see the bank manager and that she needed to give a day of notice. She screamed and swore and then hung up.

A few minutes later, my wife came downstairs and said that she'd had her sister on the phone, weeping hysterically and listing all of my screaming and swearing and how I'd called her a cunt, a bitch and a whore.

She told SiL that she was lying, as she'd heard everything. SiL hung up and wouldn't talk to her for a month.

My wife admitted that she'd never heard me shout or swear at her, she had been taking her sister's word for it. The penny dropped for me.

I try to have as little as possible to do with her. She also never ever once thanked me for taking her and her kids out, paying for their food, or offered petrol money.

Why on Earth would you put up with ANY of that, though? You can’t have thought it was acceptable?

SinnerBoy · 03/12/2022 22:35

I didn't find it acceptable at all, but my wife and her sister are foreign. My wife felt isolated and I didn't want to leave her to feel alone.

My work takes me away to sea, for weeks at a time.

I tried to help her get friendship networks, but she relied on her manipulative bully of a sister. She accused me of trying to stop her seeing her sister, because I said I wasn't going to go over, or that if she came over, I wasn't going to be in.

It's another drip, drip, drip. At first, she was a bit nasty, but not abusive and vile. My wife said she was stressed, because they were skint and her husband is a drinker, her mother in law is awful to her...

She got nastier and more aggressive. She'd lean over me and scream in my face from inches away and my wife would hurry out of the room and later claim not to have seen or heard anything!

She'd say, "You provoke her" and I'd ask how. I had no idea she was lying in front of my face, in their language.

She just thrives on conflict and is an expert manipulator.

woodhill · 03/12/2022 22:36

They don't sound nice at all

RishisProudMum · 03/12/2022 22:37

SinnerBoy · 03/12/2022 22:35

I didn't find it acceptable at all, but my wife and her sister are foreign. My wife felt isolated and I didn't want to leave her to feel alone.

My work takes me away to sea, for weeks at a time.

I tried to help her get friendship networks, but she relied on her manipulative bully of a sister. She accused me of trying to stop her seeing her sister, because I said I wasn't going to go over, or that if she came over, I wasn't going to be in.

It's another drip, drip, drip. At first, she was a bit nasty, but not abusive and vile. My wife said she was stressed, because they were skint and her husband is a drinker, her mother in law is awful to her...

She got nastier and more aggressive. She'd lean over me and scream in my face from inches away and my wife would hurry out of the room and later claim not to have seen or heard anything!

She'd say, "You provoke her" and I'd ask how. I had no idea she was lying in front of my face, in their language.

She just thrives on conflict and is an expert manipulator.

Your wife isn’t sounding great either, tbh. I’m sorry.

TruckerBarbie · 03/12/2022 22:53

SinnerBoy · 03/12/2022 22:35

I didn't find it acceptable at all, but my wife and her sister are foreign. My wife felt isolated and I didn't want to leave her to feel alone.

My work takes me away to sea, for weeks at a time.

I tried to help her get friendship networks, but she relied on her manipulative bully of a sister. She accused me of trying to stop her seeing her sister, because I said I wasn't going to go over, or that if she came over, I wasn't going to be in.

It's another drip, drip, drip. At first, she was a bit nasty, but not abusive and vile. My wife said she was stressed, because they were skint and her husband is a drinker, her mother in law is awful to her...

She got nastier and more aggressive. She'd lean over me and scream in my face from inches away and my wife would hurry out of the room and later claim not to have seen or heard anything!

She'd say, "You provoke her" and I'd ask how. I had no idea she was lying in front of my face, in their language.

She just thrives on conflict and is an expert manipulator.

Honestly, I'd fuck both these women off.

TwinMama6 · 04/12/2022 03:29

KettrickenSmiled · 29/11/2022 14:37

@Sweepies - Something tells me you are gonna love this - thenextweb.com/news/funniest-email-conversation

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Original poster
Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 09:47

@SinnerBoy she sounds less CF more deranged lunatic.

I've remembered another CF that was in my life. I went back to college as a mature student, made some same aged friends, all men except one woman. It is a male dominated industry. Because we were the two females we naturally paired up to a certain extent.

It quickly came apparent that was a blatant CF about everything; money, favours, college work. Goodwill would expire really fast with people and when she'd exhausted one well she would move onto the next source.

When I began to feel my natural generosity taken advantage of I immediately began to say no, sorry but no. And she began to push.
"oh but I'm really stuck."
"I understand. No."

The bank was closed, she didn't like it. That was fine with me, I knew this day would come, I had seen her in action enough by that stage. We naturally parted.

Then I was admitted to hospital. Very very bad news. She came to visit me. I was happy to see her, I was weak, vulnerable, scared and had spent 24 hours in more physical pain than I thought possible.

She asked for a favour. A loan of some money. No, I've got none. You could give me your bank card and I'll go take some out. I'm so weak it is difficult to say the word no. The nurse comes in, I ask for some peace. She leaves, promising to return but doesn't. In fact she never visits again.

A few days later I'm significantly brighter when she writes me a message, can I do her a favour as I'm so talented at this particular piece of cousework, I can email it to her, do I have my laptop with me, if not she can deliver me hers. I delete and block her everywhere. I'm still waiting for my biopsy results and have no idea what the future holds for me. I certainly could not sit up in the bed and open up a laptop

Since then I've encountered her a few times. The moment she opens her mouth to say hello I respond "hi sorry I've no money" or "hi sorry i can't help" and keep walking.

OP posts:
SinnerBoy · 07/12/2022 09:50

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 09:47

@SinnerBoy she sounds less CF more deranged lunatic.

She's an awful bully and cannot bear not to have her own way. She can never accept that she's wrong about anything. My wife works for her and is terrified of her, the SiL is constantly unpleasant to her and as I've mentioned, she's scared of being isolated.

She had some friends, mostly from Eastern Europe, but they dropped away gradually, as SiL found something to disapprove of and slagged them off, or went off on one with them.

She's a total control freak, really.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/12/2022 21:53

RishisProudMum · 01/12/2022 15:28

These sorts of threads are always so interesting because they show how very different we all are. I genuinely cannot understand this as a mindset.

Show quote history

Yeah me neither. I genuinely can't think of a single instance of CF in my life.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/12/2022 21:54

(although I'm sure back in the day there were some round-dodgers and similar!)

holdy · 15/12/2022 07:30

My sil is a cf. Massive back story, but basically she got into a lot of debt spending frivolously on foreign holidays and clothes/gifts for herself and her children.
Eventually the truth came out and she had to face up to her massive debts. Was basically bankrupt. At this point she asked us for financial help which we willingly gave as we were worried she would lose her house and that her marriage was in jeopardy. We started giving her several hundreds pounds a month that we could barely afford ourselves.
At the end of the year she booked a trip for herself and her family to Disney-world, Florida using our money as "the stress of the year was so difficult and they deserved a break"

SinnerBoy · 15/12/2022 07:40

I hope you changed the locks and invited some sqauatters in!

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