Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advise with a 'white' fib apparently

90 replies

nc4this111 · 29/11/2022 01:25

Background, newly married having been together 6 yrs.

Dh put his house on the market several months ago and it sold quickly, however it's been a long 6 mths with the solicitors and buyers .. one thing after another ... he had a call last week to say they will be arranging a completion date soon , so Friday I ask if he'd heard anything 'no nothing' this evening I saw a email when it came through while he was holding his phone from the estate agent.. I didn't say anything.. an hr or so later I asked if he had heard anything from them 'no nothing but I'm sure I will soon, that's what they said'

I stewed on it for an hour... i was quiet , he asked what was wrong , I said I didn't want an argument but I had ask if you had heard anything and you said no but I saw you had an email from them , he didn't know what to do raised his voice , so I did I said you have lied to me and what was it, he then admitted it was a proposed exchange date and he was to call them tomorrow to confirm , he then showed me the email.

Why did he not tell me ? Hes saying he wanted to have it confirmed tomorrow and surprise me , I'm not buying that one bit, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd have told him straight away , I gave him the opportunity to tell me when I asked if he heard from them and he said he hadn't .. he apologised and said he should have said.. I'm not buying it , I feel hurt , he tried to turn it round , said if I don't trust him then what's the point of being married , I pinged that back and said in a marriage surely you would tell your wife if your house has a completion date. What else has he or could he lie about , he said it was only a white lie , it's really thrown me. He got all shitty and said well if you don't trust me I may as well go back to the house , I said you'd best think about pulling out the sale then .. I don't get it one bit, he then goes on to say that because it's been so tough with all the hassle which we have both been in it together , why when he gets this news he keeps it to himself .. I'm I making a mountain out of a miles hill here ? He knows how much I value trust in a relationship

OP posts:
C1N1C · 29/11/2022 01:35

Actually that sounds like the exact thing I'd do. These things are nuts... everyone is made to jump through hoops, things fall through like you wouldn't believe and it is depressing when they do.

If he kept it a secret for a day until he got confirmation, I'd actually completely understand!

steff13 · 29/11/2022 01:39

I think keeping it to himself until it's confirmed is completely reasonable and plausible, especially if the process has already been protracted.

What is your suspicion as to why he lied?

MarshaMelrose · 29/11/2022 01:41

Do you really want to break up over something so trivial as this? Just because you would do something a certain way, doesn't mean that he should. We're all individuals and have different thought processes. Why is it more natural to you to think he's lying about lots of things than to believe he just wanted to surprise you?

Trez1510 · 29/11/2022 01:49

My partner would do that to me to prevent me getting my hopes up (again!) only to be let down.

There's trust and then there's paranoia.

Original poster
nc4this111 · 29/11/2022 01:54

I'm just shocked that it's been a daily conversation and when he gets the green light he don't say anything, I find it really odd. We normally tell each other everything, we are normally so close so I feel floored that such a big thing he felt the need not to tell me , and the way he went off on one , I was calm until he started shouting so I raised my voice to him , I then left the room he then came to me and said so what do you want to do , if you don't trust me we can be together, I felt he tried to curve ball it to make me feel bad. He's obviously not at upset as me as I can hear him snoring through the ceiling!! I'm just pissed off that he didn't say , I'd have been whooohooo to him 'look what we have' yes we are all different but he soon discussed with me when we were hitting barriers , a bit of good news and is all hush hush .. part of me wishes to see what tomorrow what would have happened but too late for that now

OP posts:
Trez1510 · 29/11/2022 02:38

I've changed my mind. LTB.

He was obviously intent on selling the house, pocketing the money and leaving you in search of a drama-free life. 🙄

MarshaMelrose · 29/11/2022 02:44

Trez1510 · 29/11/2022 02:38

I've changed my mind. LTB.

He was obviously intent on selling the house, pocketing the money and leaving you in search of a drama-free life. 🙄

😂😂😂
It's probably him giving this advice!

Wilkolampshade · 29/11/2022 03:03

He goes through a crappy six months trying to sell a house. After what you imply was a terrible time of it with delay after dalay he FINALLY starts seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - I'm not at all surprised he'd want to keep it to himself until it could be confirmed, or even preferably, until he had properly exchanged.
I imagine he was hoping to surprise you with some good news but keeping fingers crossed until he could be sure.

fruktsoda · 29/11/2022 03:18

Yes, sorry, but I think this was an over-reaction. Not sure why he'd keep it a secret except for the reason he gave (wanted to be sure it went through and then surprise you with good news).

Is there some backstory that makes it more suspicious that he'd keep this quiet? I can't imagine what it would be.

figtrees · 29/11/2022 03:18

He's got cold feet. He likes his house. Is it a pre marital asset?

Either he doesn't want to sell it and buy with you becuase its his. Or he's realised that he marriage isn't working such a short time in, so is having second thoughts and he is considering that he may wish to return to the house.

Men usually mean what they say he spoke about going back. The 'if you don't trust me ' part is just the excuse.

SwimInTheRain · 29/11/2022 05:11

I think I'm a marriage you want to be on the same page about who likes surprises and who wants to be informed of everything as it happens. If you don't like being kept in the dark he ought to respect your wishes and not make the decision for you. He has escalated the conversations in order to preserve his right to decide for you, and that is not a great sign if your want a marriage that is an equal partnership.

Billybagpuss · 29/11/2022 05:18

I think his reaction to the lie is the telling thing here. If he’s been keeping quiet to surprise you when he was called out he would have got all excited and said yes I was waiting until it was confirmed but things are finally moving and you could dance around the hous le a bit.

but he got arsy and defensive why? Is he not happy. I think there is definitely a conversation to be had today.

MerryMarigold · 29/11/2022 05:27

I would just leave it and see if he sells the house today. I would apologize for overreacting. If you have no reason to doubt him, but you've been messed about by other people, then you might be bringing that baggage with you. If there's been no other indication that he wants to get out if the marriage, in don't know why you'd assume he doesn't want to sell the house.

Of course, he was defensive when caught out in a lie, even a small one with a good intention. Because he understood that you didn't trust his motives and that's really hurtful.

stuntbubbles · 29/11/2022 05:29

House selling is insanely stressful! When we last sold, our planned exchange date on a Monday got pushed to the next day over and over again for a FORTNIGHT. I was tearing my hair out. If he’s been in this process for six months he probably doesn’t want to endlessly update you or be asked “Have you heard anything?” He’ll tell you if he hears something!

(Getting an email about a proposed exchange date doesn’t count as having heard anything because tomorrow it’ll change again, and again.)

It does sound like you made a mountain out of a molehill but also that you’re both bad at communicating: raised voices and threats to pull out of the sale and go back to the house? Over a bit of nagging from you and a white lie from him? Really?

torquewench · 29/11/2022 05:33

🍿

Pictograph · 29/11/2022 05:34

OP, I feel like I'm missing something. You say that you're "not buying" his explanation that he wanted to tell you tomorrow when it was confirmed. But I can't think of any other possible explanation? What are you accusing him of - do you suspect him of another motive, and if so what?

DDivaStar · 29/11/2022 05:35

I think you're reaction to this says more than his.

Yes he could have said about the email, but I imagine over 6 months there have been lots of emails that have come to nothing, so no need to update you each time.

Why are you concerned hes not telling you? Do you not think he wants to share finances ?

DDivaStar · 29/11/2022 05:44

nc4this111 · 29/11/2022 01:54

I'm just shocked that it's been a daily conversation and when he gets the green light he don't say anything, I find it really odd. We normally tell each other everything, we are normally so close so I feel floored that such a big thing he felt the need not to tell me , and the way he went off on one , I was calm until he started shouting so I raised my voice to him , I then left the room he then came to me and said so what do you want to do , if you don't trust me we can be together, I felt he tried to curve ball it to make me feel bad. He's obviously not at upset as me as I can hear him snoring through the ceiling!! I'm just pissed off that he didn't say , I'd have been whooohooo to him 'look what we have' yes we are all different but he soon discussed with me when we were hitting barriers , a bit of good news and is all hush hush .. part of me wishes to see what tomorrow what would have happened but too late for that now

Maybe he's fed up.of this daily conversation. Its a long drawn.out process and delays are likely, he was waiting fir something more concrete before telling you.

You must have been stood next to him staring at his phone to see who that email was from.

It sounds like you have trust issues and he is finding the constant monitoring of him too much.

KangarooKenny · 29/11/2022 06:27

There’s no such thing as a white lie, there’s the truth or a lie. He lied. You’ll never trust him again.

chikp · 29/11/2022 06:31

Did he keep bringing up the house sale or was it you bringing it up every day? It's possible he is feeling a bit sad about it so just didn't want to chat about it?

Zanatdy · 29/11/2022 06:33

Pictograph · 29/11/2022 05:34

OP, I feel like I'm missing something. You say that you're "not buying" his explanation that he wanted to tell you tomorrow when it was confirmed. But I can't think of any other possible explanation? What are you accusing him of - do you suspect him of another motive, and if so what?

Agree. What other reason is there for not telling you? Do you think he is getting cold feet? Unless there is a back story I can’t imagine that there’s any other reason

Shemovesshemoves21 · 29/11/2022 06:48

I don't understand, to me you're being completely over the top.

You say you've talked about this every day - that's a lot. It's quite possible he's exhausted by the whole thing and wanted to make sure it went ahead before telling you.

Why do you think there's another motive to him not telling you?

As for him shouting at you and throwing our things like "Maybe I'll go back to the house" - people say stupid shit when they're angry.

Quite honestly, unless there's some huge backstory, you're being ridiculous.

MichelleScarn · 29/11/2022 07:03

this evening I saw a email when it came through while he was holding his phone from the estate agent..
Where did you see this email? On the phone he was holding (you must have been on top of each other!) or another device?

Scepticalwotsits · 29/11/2022 07:05

Billybagpuss · 29/11/2022 05:18

I think his reaction to the lie is the telling thing here. If he’s been keeping quiet to surprise you when he was called out he would have got all excited and said yes I was waiting until it was confirmed but things are finally moving and you could dance around the hous le a bit.

but he got arsy and defensive why? Is he not happy. I think there is definitely a conversation to be had today.

Tbh when people get called out on many things they don’t always act rationally.

while it’s easy to say if they were this they would do that from the sidelines it’s not always as easy as that. People are messy complex creatures.

Scepticalwotsits · 29/11/2022 07:07

DDivaStar · 29/11/2022 05:44

Maybe he's fed up.of this daily conversation. Its a long drawn.out process and delays are likely, he was waiting fir something more concrete before telling you.

You must have been stood next to him staring at his phone to see who that email was from.

It sounds like you have trust issues and he is finding the constant monitoring of him too much.

Show quote history

Pretty much my view on it here. If you monitor someone to the nth degree they feel invaded and as such will often hide what they are doing even when it’s not an issue, which then feeds into the trust cycle and things get worse.

it sounds like OP is very paranoid about what her husband is doing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread