Advise with a 'white' fib apparently

[nc4this111]

Background, newly married having been together 6 yrs.

Dh put his house on the market several months ago and it sold quickly, however it's been a long 6 mths with the solicitors and buyers .. one thing after another ... he had a call last week to say they will be arranging a completion date soon , so Friday I ask if he'd heard anything 'no nothing' this evening I saw a email when it came through while he was holding his phone from the estate agent.. I didn't say anything.. an hr or so later I asked if he had heard anything from them 'no nothing but I'm sure I will soon, that's what they said'

I stewed on it for an hour... i was quiet , he asked what was wrong , I said I didn't want an argument but I had ask if you had heard anything and you said no but I saw you had an email from them , he didn't know what to do raised his voice , so I did I said you have lied to me and what was it, he then admitted it was a proposed exchange date and he was to call them tomorrow to confirm , he then showed me the email.

Why did he not tell me ? Hes saying he wanted to have it confirmed tomorrow and surprise me , I'm not buying that one bit, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd have told him straight away , I gave him the opportunity to tell me when I asked if he heard from them and he said he hadn't .. he apologised and said he should have said.. I'm not buying it , I feel hurt , he tried to turn it round , said if I don't trust him then what's the point of being married , I pinged that back and said in a marriage surely you would tell your wife if your house has a completion date. What else has he or could he lie about , he said it was only a white lie , it's really thrown me. He got all shitty and said well if you don't trust me I may as well go back to the house , I said you'd best think about pulling out the sale then .. I don't get it one bit, he then goes on to say that because it's been so tough with all the hassle which we have both been in it together , why when he gets this news he keeps it to himself .. I'm I making a mountain out of a miles hill here ? He knows how much I value trust in a relationship

But a proposed exchange date means absolutely nothing, as we all know that even on the day things can change. It isn't really good news until exchange has happened and the completion date is fixed.

Personally I think you are being a bit weird about this

he apologised and said he should have said.. I'm not buying it , I feel hurt

I don't understand why you couldn't have just accepted his apology over something so minor - (unless you're going to drip-feed a backstory.)

He's probably had more than one similar email that has amounted to nothing, you massively overreacted.

I agree with pps.

Selling a house is so frustrating and fraught. Unless there's some massive back story about your DH lying, I don't get your reaction.

I do think your reaction explains your husband's omission, somewhat. You sound intense.

Keeping it to himself was fine initially but once asked, and asked again and the lying to your face isn't great. My dh would have said he had been going to wait until he knew for sure but because I asked he would tell me... Lying regardless is insulting and deceitful...

Drama Llama much 😂

I have things I sometimes don't tell my DH for a while because I just can't be bothered with the effort of going over old ground again. It's not lying, it's just waiting and gathering the energy to face whatever it is. Your DH is probably fed up with having to talk about the situation with his house every day and was just waiting to have some concrete information to give you.

Sometimes you just want to finish something before you say.

Don't give him a hard time.

There's trust and then there's paranoia.

I can’t make this sentence make sense.

I don't understand any of these replies. Not one of them. Why lie? There's no need for it. He could say well I've had an email but I'm not getting my hopes up, or some other honest way of managing the OP's expectation. Lying is completely unnecessary and as far as I can see in this situation it does nobody any good - ergo, honesty should be the first choice, even if it doesn't do any particular harm either. Ex was a terrible one for "I didn't want to upset you" when either it wouldn't have upset me so what the heck was he on about, or if I actually gave a fuck about the thing it was because it was something I did actually need to know and would eventually find out anyway. I think he just liked to keep me in ignorance for some weird power game I didn't even know we were playing.

Lying to your spouse should NEVER be the default reaction IMO. There may be cases when it's justified but this really doesn't sound like one of them.

are there trust issues? I would find it annoying especially if you both have been waiting a while for the sale to be completed and the lying to your face. But his reaction of “I will just move back in” says a lot. Perhaps he didn’t want to talk about it because he is sad about selling.

You sound hard work. Why didn’t you tell him you saw the email? Trying to trap someone isn’t an attractive quality. Maybe he thinks the same and is planning on leaving you once the sale goes through?

I don't get the responses on here.

It's such a stupid/weird thing to lie about why do it. I'm not surprised you feel how you do. His reaction to be defensive is also not good.

I was brought up and told little white lies all my life. It's a form of gaslighting to me and I hate any form of lying now.

This is exactly how my Exh started with the 'white lies' near the beginning of our marriage. A lie is a lie, if your h did not want to discuss it with you he could easily have said ' Yes. I've had an email but I'm not getting my hopes up and tbh don't want to talk about it anymore until it's done and dusted'
When I look back I think it gave my ex a feeling of power that he knew something I didn't if that makes sense, like he was 'one up'. In the end lying was just second nature, 'Have you eaten?' 'No I wasn't hungry earlier' Then I see pots in sink from him cooking....... It made no sense, I think some people just lie
Sorry if that sounds a lot of projection but I will never since go near anyone who I know tells lies

Goodness me what a drama queen you are.

All these people defending a liar. And then you wonder why so many women get stuck with useless wankers…? He’s a liar - like it or not, he lied. Big or small in your judgement, he lied. I don’t do lies.

It is really horrible when you're trying to deal with something by yourself, no help, and get pestered about it.

I got the impression that op's other half just wants to get it sorted. I would feel like yeah yeah yeah just let me get it done. It is a huge stressor selling.

Well there isn’t any news until it’s confirmed, is there?

Buying and selling houses is identified as one of the things most likely to cause stress.

Don’t we all hate the last month of pregnancy when everyone pointlessly asks ‘any news yet?’ and you just want to get in with it yourself?

I can understand it if he felt he had been helpless in the face of protracted hold ups for 6 months and is sick of things that haven’t happened on time or at all, and feels he has given endless updates in updates that went on longer… and maybe in that helplessness he feels you have been ‘at him’.

Could this be the case?

You're looking for a problem where there isn't one. What he's done is completely rational, I've done similar and kept something to myself to avoid disappointment when things fall through etc.
Huge over reaction imo, I'm not surprised he was upset to be questioned so heavily over something so ridiculous.

How often do you ask him if he’s heard anything, OP?

Yes this is what I thought too.

If someone finds out about a surprise, you don't get annoyed and start trying to turn it on them.

I don't know why people are being so arsey to the OP. It does seem par for the course on here nowadays though.

P.S and it is all the solicitors in the chain that confirm the exchange and completion dates (on behalf of their clients), not the EA, so until he hears from the solicitor it really isn’t confirmed.

DH and I exchanged on our house yesterday, I waited until minutes before it was happening to tell him. He was fine. He has been asking me for updates and I've just kept saying it's 'rumbling on'.

We've been trying to buy somewhere since February and it's been so, so stressful - I didn't want to say something and then it not happen. Further I'm so emotionally spent myself that I couldn't be bothered dealing with his disappointment too.

I think YABU and overreacting.

I don't really know the dynamics of your relationship op, but I'm surprised by the responses here. I would be incredibly upset about being lied to. It just wouldn't happen in our relationship and I would be very annoyed if it had. Isn't that the normal reaction to being told a lie? It appears not to be if the replies on here are genuine.

This ☝️. Can’t abide lies. Lie to me, however trivial, and I won’t trust a word you say again. I can just about understand wanting confirmation before saying anything but once the question was asked he should have answered truthfully.

You’re overreacting. After 6 months of this I can see why he’d want to be sure, not to mention it’s nice to give good news.