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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advise with a 'white' fib apparently

90 replies

nc4this111 · 29/11/2022 01:25

Background, newly married having been together 6 yrs.

Dh put his house on the market several months ago and it sold quickly, however it's been a long 6 mths with the solicitors and buyers .. one thing after another ... he had a call last week to say they will be arranging a completion date soon , so Friday I ask if he'd heard anything 'no nothing' this evening I saw a email when it came through while he was holding his phone from the estate agent.. I didn't say anything.. an hr or so later I asked if he had heard anything from them 'no nothing but I'm sure I will soon, that's what they said'

I stewed on it for an hour... i was quiet , he asked what was wrong , I said I didn't want an argument but I had ask if you had heard anything and you said no but I saw you had an email from them , he didn't know what to do raised his voice , so I did I said you have lied to me and what was it, he then admitted it was a proposed exchange date and he was to call them tomorrow to confirm , he then showed me the email.

Why did he not tell me ? Hes saying he wanted to have it confirmed tomorrow and surprise me , I'm not buying that one bit, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd have told him straight away , I gave him the opportunity to tell me when I asked if he heard from them and he said he hadn't .. he apologised and said he should have said.. I'm not buying it , I feel hurt , he tried to turn it round , said if I don't trust him then what's the point of being married , I pinged that back and said in a marriage surely you would tell your wife if your house has a completion date. What else has he or could he lie about , he said it was only a white lie , it's really thrown me. He got all shitty and said well if you don't trust me I may as well go back to the house , I said you'd best think about pulling out the sale then .. I don't get it one bit, he then goes on to say that because it's been so tough with all the hassle which we have both been in it together , why when he gets this news he keeps it to himself .. I'm I making a mountain out of a miles hill here ? He knows how much I value trust in a relationship

OP posts:
Mirrorcell · 29/11/2022 08:03

The fact you are posting here suggests you think it is odd behaviour for him.

Is he having cold feet? Are you buying together?

knittingaddict · 29/11/2022 08:06

BecauseICan22 · 29/11/2022 07:59

DH and I exchanged on our house yesterday, I waited until minutes before it was happening to tell him. He was fine. He has been asking me for updates and I've just kept saying it's 'rumbling on'.

We've been trying to buy somewhere since February and it's been so, so stressful - I didn't want to say something and then it not happen. Further I'm so emotionally spent myself that I couldn't be bothered dealing with his disappointment too.

I think YABU and overreacting.

This is a genuine question and I'm not being goady, but isn't that a bit infantilising? Do people really not keep their partners fully informed of updates on a sale of THEIR property? They don't treat them like the adults and equals that they are? I am truly surprised that some many people operate like this within their relationships.

knittingaddict · 29/11/2022 08:08

Anniegetyourgun · 29/11/2022 07:29

I don't understand any of these replies. Not one of them. Why lie? There's no need for it. He could say well I've had an email but I'm not getting my hopes up, or some other honest way of managing the OP's expectation. Lying is completely unnecessary and as far as I can see in this situation it does nobody any good - ergo, honesty should be the first choice, even if it doesn't do any particular harm either. Ex was a terrible one for "I didn't want to upset you" when either it wouldn't have upset me so what the heck was he on about, or if I actually gave a fuck about the thing it was because it was something I did actually need to know and would eventually find out anyway. I think he just liked to keep me in ignorance for some weird power game I didn't even know we were playing.

Lying to your spouse should NEVER be the default reaction IMO. There may be cases when it's justified but this really doesn't sound like one of them.

100% this.

HedgehogDay · 29/11/2022 08:11

When I ask an adult a straight question I'd expect a straight (truthful) answer - are all these people saying the OP is overreacting really so accepting of being lied to their face by their partner?

704703hey · 29/11/2022 08:15

knittingaddict · 29/11/2022 08:06

This is a genuine question and I'm not being goady, but isn't that a bit infantilising? Do people really not keep their partners fully informed of updates on a sale of THEIR property? They don't treat them like the adults and equals that they are? I am truly surprised that some many people operate like this within their relationships.

Show quote history

A lot of people don't communicate in minutiae.

It comes across that he wanted to make OP happy by announcing the end date, the goal of selling and completion, not every phonecall and email back and forth.

Even though you're married just let him deal with it OP. He's doing this for your future and as you said you 'stew'.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/11/2022 08:20

Ok-so he’s a liar. You asked him a question; for whatever reason, he lied.

then when he was called out on the lie, instead of admitting it and apologising like a normal person, he doubled down and made it about you being irrational. That’s gaslighting.

I suggest you have a good talk to him today, without the shouting. Say that you were hurt and didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you. I’d probably apologise for shouting and see if he does the same.

sneezingpandamum · 29/11/2022 08:21

Personally I don't get it - it's HIS house, why is it so important to you? You've blown this out of proportion made yourself look controlling and more than a bit hard work OP sorry

Blossomandbee · 29/11/2022 08:22

There's a big difference between keeping quiet until it's confirmed, and telling a bare faced lie when asked outright.
You have every right to feel how you do op.

thelobsterquadrille · 29/11/2022 08:22

Maybe he's fed up of the whole process and doesn't want to keep talking about "updates" that turn into nothing.

I can see why he wanted to wait. House sales are full of stress and changing deadlines.

Also, if you're quite keen and keep asking about it a lot, maybe he doesn't want to have to manage your disappointment or have yet another conversation about how stressful it all is.

CraneBoysMysteries · 29/11/2022 08:25

I sorry I agree with other posters here that there must be a backstory to it

He explained-a reason many have agreed makes sense...he then apologised and you again rebuked his apology and now it's escalated between you.

For what it's worth we had major house renovations planned out. I did all the admin for it and finding a builder, getting through planning was an absolute nightmare and so much stress. I HATED the daily conversations with DH about what I'd heard, how further forward we were. I was soooo stressed. When I finally had an inkling we might have a builder I kept it to myself for a week. We'd been let down many times before. I told him the day it was all confirmed and we had contracts with them.

DH said 'how long have you been chasing this builder down'. I said 'nearly two weeks but I didn't want to tell you and get hopes up so wanted to wait until it was finalised'. End of conversation. No accusations or long drawn out conversations.

704703hey · 29/11/2022 08:27

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/11/2022 08:20

Ok-so he’s a liar. You asked him a question; for whatever reason, he lied.

then when he was called out on the lie, instead of admitting it and apologising like a normal person, he doubled down and made it about you being irrational. That’s gaslighting.

I suggest you have a good talk to him today, without the shouting. Say that you were hurt and didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you. I’d probably apologise for shouting and see if he does the same.

He wanted to complete a task. She should just let him do this. He doesn't ceast to exist as a person just because he's married.

I would want autonomy to sell my house before everything was arranged.

Let him do this OP, he's obviously committed to you and the future together. He just wants to sell his house without going over every little detail with you watching over his shoulder and getting into a stew.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 29/11/2022 08:28

KangarooKenny · 29/11/2022 06:27

There’s no such thing as a white lie, there’s the truth or a lie. He lied. You’ll never trust him again.

You must have very healthy relationships

HeckyPeck · 29/11/2022 08:28

HedgehogDay · 29/11/2022 08:11

When I ask an adult a straight question I'd expect a straight (truthful) answer - are all these people saying the OP is overreacting really so accepting of being lied to their face by their partner?

Some people have very low bars. Or perhaps they've got partners like my ex who used to tell pointless lies and then turn it round on them for not trusting/ say because it was so silly it isn't worth getting upset over.

Choconut · 29/11/2022 08:44

People are asking what was the point of the lie if it wasn't so that you weren't disappointed. My concern would be that he knew, he knew that you didn't know (but wanted to) and he enjoyed having that power over you. He liked the fact that he knew what was going on and you didn't.

Trying to protect 'the little woman' from disappointment by not telling you is also a pretty grim option. It would be slightly different if you hadn't asked and he didn't say anything 'just in case' but you asked and he outright lied.

It doesn't bode well whatever the case IMO, this is not how you want your relationship to operate, it should be equal partners working together - not one person with the power that 'protects' you from what is going on. I'm amazed that others think that is ok or normal.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/11/2022 08:56

@704703hey and in a bid to have your autonomy, does that involve lying and deception to a direct question? Or would you behave like a normal grown up and just answer honesty?

704703hey · 29/11/2022 09:29

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/11/2022 08:56

@704703hey and in a bid to have your autonomy, does that involve lying and deception to a direct question? Or would you behave like a normal grown up and just answer honesty?

OP doesn't have self autonomy if she's so hung up on controlling someone else's property. It doesn't matter that they're married in that sense, he wants to sell it, let him sell it.

It might point to wider communication problems if she won't let him do anything on his own and she's spying and getting worked up.

Loics · 29/11/2022 09:37

704703hey · 29/11/2022 09:29

OP doesn't have self autonomy if she's so hung up on controlling someone else's property. It doesn't matter that they're married in that sense, he wants to sell it, let him sell it.

It might point to wider communication problems if she won't let him do anything on his own and she's spying and getting worked up.

Show quote history

This. People pointing out the OP is being paranoid and creating drama don't have "low bars". I couldn't get worked up about someone waiting a day to confirm a date before telling me. Maybe he didn't want to say it might be this date but who knows, oh wait no it's changed again, never mind.
If she could see an email notification come through while he was on the phone and see who it was from, she must have been hovering and trying to see what it was. I can see why he might be holding off if this is normal behaviour from the OP.

DonnaBanana · 29/11/2022 09:41

KangarooKenny · 29/11/2022 06:27

There’s no such thing as a white lie, there’s the truth or a lie. He lied. You’ll never trust him again.

This. Lying is absolutely black and white. If your child asks who your favourite child is, you absolutely can’t lie or they won’t trust you again. Also when your MIL asks you if you like her new hair do.

ilovesooty · 29/11/2022 09:46

KangarooKenny · 29/11/2022 06:27

There’s no such thing as a white lie, there’s the truth or a lie. He lied. You’ll never trust him again.

I agree with that about white lies. You either lie or you don't. Only you can know how significant this lie is to you.

whattodo1975 · 29/11/2022 09:49

He is dealing with the house move.
He is also dealing with your reaction to the house move, and trust me having to manage someone's reactions to a situation can be far more draining the actual situation itself.

Theunamedcat · 29/11/2022 09:51

HedgehogDay · 29/11/2022 08:11

When I ask an adult a straight question I'd expect a straight (truthful) answer - are all these people saying the OP is overreacting really so accepting of being lied to their face by their partner?

Exactly! Even if he had said its supposed to be tomorrow I will believe it when I see it so managing expectations it still would have been truthful

Theunamedcat · 29/11/2022 09:52

Honestly I feel some people tell "practice lies" see what they can get away with then they can move on to more important lies if they need to

Appleandoranges · 29/11/2022 09:52

I think there could be 2 explanations. (1) sometimes people are a bit superstitious and don't tell good news right away because they are afraid it might not happen. I also don't think you need to tell your partner everything and just because you don't tell your partner everything, doesn't mean you're not close. I think most people would find it a bit tiresome to be in a relationship where they had to share every bit of news with their partner. (2) There are also people who get some sort of weird power from withholding information for no real reason. Difficult to tell whether it's (1) or (2). But if it's (2), there would be a pattern of him withholding information to make you feel insecure and on edge.

knittingaddict · 29/11/2022 09:55

DonnaBanana · 29/11/2022 09:41

This. Lying is absolutely black and white. If your child asks who your favourite child is, you absolutely can’t lie or they won’t trust you again. Also when your MIL asks you if you like her new hair do.

Show quote history

Well those are the very definition of a white lie. The lie in the op isn't. Not in my book anyway.

billy1966 · 29/11/2022 09:59

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 29/11/2022 07:46

All these people defending a liar. And then you wonder why so many women get stuck with useless wankers…? He’s a liar - like it or not, he lied. Big or small in your judgement, he lied. I don’t do lies.

I so agree with this.

I don't do liars.

When someone lies easily and then gets angry, IMO there is something off.

You haven't explained clearly why you think something might be really off, but the fact you do means your gut is warning you.

I'd listen to your gut.

How quickly he went to the marriage must be over if you don't trust him, AFTER HE HAS LIED.

Listen to your gut OP. ALWAYS.