All the other mums hugged their child

[Whatdowedowithournightsnowitsfinished]

Since having my own Dd four years ago, I’ve had sort of flashes/memories of my own childhood. When I compare how things are with my own Dd and how I feel about her, with things from my own childhood, it feels different.
One that comes up in my memory a fair bit is when I went away alone from home with brownies for a few days camping. I was a shy child and remember finding it quite hard, although I had friends there, I missed home really. When the parents came to pick their kids up, I remember waiting quite excitedly as I saw other parents hugging and picking up their kids etc. When my mum arrived, she didn’t even really greet me in any proper way, certainly no hug, we barely talked on the way home and I remember arriving in my bedroom and thinking how I’d missed it and how it seemed different, but that nobody had missed me at all or even noticed I wasn’t there. It probably sounds a bit dramatic and I probably was a sensitive child, but I can’t imagine being anything like that with my Dd.
I had friends who had similar, half the time our parents never knew where we were, I can’t remember my parents asking much about school or my friends, just so different to now or at least how I am.
This was 80’s childhood, 90’s teens
Was this emotional neglect or just one of those things?
Could this have really had an impact on the person I grew up to be? Eg I find it hard to show natural affection for anyone but my Dd & children & animals and all sorts of other issues that I seem to be acknowledging now in my 40’s

I never had any hugs or signs of affection either OP. I remember a few years ago (I'm 60 and she is 80) my mother stroked my hand, I was so shocked at her actually touching me I snatched it away in horror and the look on her face was so sorrowful.
But it was instinctive, I felt horrified by it.

It's emotional neglect OP and it has long term effects such as having low self-esteem and low ambitions for oneself, social anxiety, relationship problems and addictions. Counselling is a good place to start.

Hugs to you OP. My mum wasn’t over demonstrable in her affection when I was a child either. I think things have moved on for the better now.

I'm 34 and the thought of cuddles with anyone else but my DH, children or pet makes me stuff as a ironing board. I feel like 'get off, why do you care?'

I pretty much bought myself up. Throw in a bit of abuse as well, emotionally and physically and I was pretty much set up. Could I do that to my own children? Haha what a joke. It's made me a stronger person to want to be a better parent. My children get annoyed because I squeeze them too hard and tell them I love them and one will say stop saying that mummy all the time at me 😂😂😂 he's nearly 6 so super cool obvs. I won't leave his classroom until he says he loves me back and gives me a kiss and I don't respond to him if he says mum. I've told him I'm mummy till he's at least 7 😂😂😂 he'll call me mum to make me laugh though so I tickle him.

So your not alone. I think maybe our parents were bought up like that. I started my period and my mum said 'ask your friends about it, stuff you need is in the cupboard next to the toilet'

But you do you and as long as you and your unit are happy fuck everyone else xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OMG that’s sad - feel for you.

Are you my wife, OP. MIL sounds like that

My brother and I have been reflecting on our childhoods in the 80s and early 90s since having our own families and we were raised in a very unloving unaffectionate household. We were clothed, fed and housed and that's where the parental nurture really ended.

Not sure if it's an of it's time thing but one thing is for sure we don't have much of a relationship with our parents.

We both try really hard not to give our kids the same childhood but it's hard to make sure you're not over compensating too.

This. Also to an adult it may seem ‘dramatic’, but remember you were a child when you were going through these experiences - they would have felt huge, because as a child you’re so dependent on the adults taking care of you.

I was born in the mid 80’s and my mum was also quite ‘cold’ and critical. I don’t think she meant/ means to be but she’s definitely not a warm, loving person who gives out affection or praise freely.

It’s definitely something I consciously make sure to do differently now I’m a parent.

my husband and I were both born late seventies and his childhood was so different to mine. His family unit was traditional and a lot of love and support shown throughout his childhood. I don’t remember my parents ever really cuddling me or telling me they loved me. His parents took him to activities and sat with him to do homework. I honestly can’t remember a single bedtime story and we had no money so activities were few and far between. Even now he will speak to his parents daily and they have an active role in our lives, my father is estranged from his entire family and my mother has only met her grandchildren a handful of times, one of them only once and he starts school next year.

It is what it is but I do get quite down about it. It makes me determined to be hands on and ‘there’ for my own children.

wowmummy · Today 21:25

Could I do that to my own children?

I often think of that when I think of my own childhood and how I couldn't ever do the same to my kids. Makes me really struggle to understand how and why my parents ended up raising us like they did.

I was never hugged or touched as a child either and I have low self esteem and have struggled with addiction. I do believe it's emotional neglect. Especially the not speaking to you in the car, you'd been away on a trip for days and your mum didn't ask you any questions about your trip or any stories you might have?

I am close to my mum now and I know she's not a touchy person because of the way she was raised herself, so I don't hold it against her anymore but it has impacted my life.

On the other hand, I have been so different with my daughter (9), hugs and kisses multiple times a day. Actually just on Saturday she hugged me before going into a two hour gymnastic class without prompt and my heart felt happy! She doesn't always want cuddles etc nowadays but she always knows they are there. And even just after school I always have loads to speak to her about and find out about her day - once again she's not always eager to share but she knows im interested and there when she does want to share something. I think that's one positive from my childhood - the fact that I've chosen and managed to do things so differently from my mum. I'm breaking the cycle and I feel proud of that.

Im sorry you went through that OP. It's shit, all you can do is break the cycle with your own kids n

@wowmummy Exactly the same with the periods too, I remember she knew but didn’t ask me, but there were pads in the cupboard (hers too) that I just sort of used myself. I can’t even imagine that, I will obviously give my Dd privacy if she needs it, but I’ll talk to her, I’ll let her know I’m here if she needs etc etc, my mum never did that. She always says she didn’t want to interfere, doesn’t want to be an interfering grandma now and so on…when I asked her advice about things when Dd was a baby, she’d say ‘Do your friends know, could you ask them?’ Well, yes, I could, but I’m asking you mum!
She has said she looks back and wonders why they weren’t more affectionate as she now hugs me goodbye, says I love you sometimes when leaving (never did ever as a child) there are so many things…I remember always wondering what I’d done wrong.
It’s just so natural for me to tell Dd that I love her and hug her etc, granted it may be harder as she gets older

Hugs stopped for me when my DM and DF both got sick around age 9. DF recovered (lengthy) but DM died when I was 11. The last time I recall getting a proper hug from DF after that was the day DM died.

it definitely affects so much.

Adopted
My parents did the basics that would have passed a SS check back in the day, minimum requirement of fed/clothed
no enrichment/encouragement/educational support/emotional investment
I couldn’t understand why they adopted me as the third child of 2 conceived children…who also resented me, they were 10 and 12 when I arrived
i was in a different world from children’s homes but never hugged or comforted in anyway and left home at 18 and gradually went NC after years of FOG

I think parents overall were less “huggy” in that generation (albeit with exceptions). I don’t remember my mum hugging me a lot (and would probably have been embarrassed if she had done so in front of my school friends!)
I'm way more likely to hug mine, even as young adults, and I say I love you all the time.

I've come to the realisation that my mum is a narcissist and I got chosen the scapegoat and my sister the golden child.

I have distanced myself though which has made a huge difference in my well-being

The drama unfolds with my mum though as I'm not ringing her etc like she wants. I just put myself in my boat and sail on

@dotdotdotdash Yes, I have all of those issues aside from low ambition and addictions really, although I drank a lot and took drugs when younger (all friends did though) but I was v messed up in my head really
Do they realise they’re doing it? How on earth could she not wonder how I am a few days away for the first time at 8/9 years old (I think) did she feel those feelings but just couldn’t show it or did she just not want to and didn’t have those feelings for me 🤷🏻‍♀️Seems so odd to me now, but that memory was v vivid and I remember not understanding and feeling quite devastated inside

My mum wasn't physically demonstrative to us kids, and that's because her own mum wasn't demonstrative to her (or to her grandkids, I was afraid of DGM).

However, I've always felt loved by my mum, she was a SAHM who cared for 6 kids and a husband with very few complaints. She would defend us to the death.

My dad was demonstrative and it's probably because of that and my mum's more practical signs of caring that me and my sisters are very tactile and loving.

Even with my nieces, 20yo, 17yo, 26yo, etc, we are always cuddled up on a sofa when they visit.

Similar experience here. I tried to discuss it with my parents as an adult that I felt very unloved as they never hugged me or showed me any affection. Their response was that hugs and kisses meant nothing and it was what you actually do for a person that matters. Unfortunately I couldn't think what the things were that my parents had done. Paying for stuff and keeping a roof over my head is surely just the bare minimum you'd expect.

My mum is affectionate to my children. Hugs and kisses them when we leave. For my daughters and periods, I'm going to be there with new period pants, big slabs of cadburys chocolate, Panadol and new jarmas and hot water bottle. 😂😂😂 I'm going to buy them a 'whatever brand is in at the time' make up style bag for all there bits and pieces to store in. I'm just extra though but to me it's when you become a woman 🙈🙈🙈 xx

I had a very similar upbringing OP. I loathe being hugged on arrival by friends etc. I'm literally only comfortable being physically touched by my husband. No kids here though sadly.

I craved physical warmth and touch, which led to me being extremely promiscuous in my teens and twenties, using sex in place of love. It took me a very long time to understand the significant difference, only after being rejected as anything other than someone to have sex with by a guy I really liked. That was a very hard lesson.

I should say, I absolutely love my in laws. They sit bunched up on the sofa together in whatever combination, lots of hugs between them all including the brothers, nephews etc, lots of laughter and so much warmth and love. I don't mind being hugged by them actually.

This too. Mistook male attention for love, would flirt all night with loads of them and decide if I actually 'loved' any of them. None of them are my husband funnily enough

I totally get it and it sucks when you kind of awaken to it as an adult

I remember being really small and being accused of eating all of a particular thing. I got in so much trouble. Issue was I never actually liked tjwt thing so obviously didn’t eat it.
but I remember thinking, they have no idea what I do or don’t even like?

it’s weird when you think like, why did you even have kids you weren’t interested in?

I suppose all we can is try ti be better for our own kids and extended children and hope we can hold some space and love for those so maybe some kids won’t feel how we and others felt

much love x