All the other mums hugged their child

[Whatdowedowithournightsnowitsfinished]

Since having my own Dd four years ago, I’ve had sort of flashes/memories of my own childhood. When I compare how things are with my own Dd and how I feel about her, with things from my own childhood, it feels different.
One that comes up in my memory a fair bit is when I went away alone from home with brownies for a few days camping. I was a shy child and remember finding it quite hard, although I had friends there, I missed home really. When the parents came to pick their kids up, I remember waiting quite excitedly as I saw other parents hugging and picking up their kids etc. When my mum arrived, she didn’t even really greet me in any proper way, certainly no hug, we barely talked on the way home and I remember arriving in my bedroom and thinking how I’d missed it and how it seemed different, but that nobody had missed me at all or even noticed I wasn’t there. It probably sounds a bit dramatic and I probably was a sensitive child, but I can’t imagine being anything like that with my Dd.
I had friends who had similar, half the time our parents never knew where we were, I can’t remember my parents asking much about school or my friends, just so different to now or at least how I am.
This was 80’s childhood, 90’s teens
Was this emotional neglect or just one of those things?
Could this have really had an impact on the person I grew up to be? Eg I find it hard to show natural affection for anyone but my Dd & children & animals and all sorts of other issues that I seem to be acknowledging now in my 40’s

Oh how incredibly sad.

I think it’s important though, more people should talk about it..

70s 80s child here. Not much affection at all but my parents both had sad childhoods themselves and it was a different era.

My dd is 7 and she is quite moody and highly strung and never wants to hug me it breaks my heart ❤️

I try very hard to do nice things and keep my cool and to be a good mum but she's quite nasty sometimes with the things she says

Hopefully she'll decide at some point she likes me 🤦🏻‍♀️

I do think children are more open about things nowadays to parents and more parents are aware of trying to be emotionally supportive.

In the past some families were like that and some weren't. I even found people who told their mum stuff a bit weird and overly enmeshed.

I can relate to your post completely. I was also born in 80s and teen in 90s. I didn’t really notice/think much of my relationship with my parents particularly until I started university and realised the other girls I lived with had parents who said ‘love you’ at the end of phone calls, or hugged them when they came to visit. I felt a little sad when I realised this.

no hugs from mum here either, she physically recoils from physical contact (including when we tried to take her arm at my fathers funeral, when me & my sister were young teenagers). My gran (her mum) was the same, but as my aunt once said “love? love wasn’t a word in our house growing up! but you closed that door behind you when you went home at night and you felt safe. Like you were in a place where you could just be yourself and everybody had your back and would make things better. `love wasn’t a word, it was an action and a feeling.”
i would have loved more affection but it is what it is, i wasn’t huggy with my friends but times seem to have changed and all the young ones seem to hug each other all the time now. i squish my kids daily and tell them how much i love them and fully intend to still do it when they are 20!!!

I could have written this! Im 43 now and my parents have never told me they love me. I know they do, but they have never said it. They tell my daughter they love her all the time cos thats how I am with her.
I had therapy years ago (for something else) and i brought this up. The therapist told me to tell my parents i love them. But i just cant do it. It really has affected my life.

Not much pampering here either 70s/80s. DM was herself a product of a very uninvolved mother. I did know I was loved (though not the most loved) and I was safe and well cared-for.
I clearly remember when I was 3 or 4 and there was an ad for a detergent where the mother wrapped the child in a towel and hugged her. I asked DM why she never hugged me like that and like a pp said, she just patted my shoulder awkwardly for a moment and said there you go. It was their normal. Touching and hugs were way OTT and for snowflakes. Hey - maybe they were right. I’m far more resilient than my DC.

@mommatoone I don't tell my parents I love them, and I'm not sure I could. I'm not sure I really do, either...

Don't get me wrong, we were fed, clothed, encouraged to do musical things, sports etc and taken to all the classes and practices. But I never felt loved. I'm sure they thought they showed it by giving us access to things they didn't have like piano lessons or hockey but they never said it showed it in a way I understood as a kid.

I see them once a year if I have to...

Please listen to the OP and don't minimise her experience. She isn't describing her mother being 'less huggy'. I am sure we would all agree that that was normal a generation ago. She is describing not getting any affection from her mother. That is totally and utterly different. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot know how devastating it is. People who have lived through physical and verbal abuse, as well as emotional neglect, often say that the emotional neglect was the worst.

Sympathies, OP. I had the same experience as you. No affection whatsoever from my mother. She never put her arm round me, never showed any pleasure in my company, always made it clear that I was boring her if I talked about school or my friends. The effects have been life-long.

Not read the full thread but my mum was affectionate, when she wasn’t having a breakdown (caused by my dad’s violent alcoholism). I give my kids love by the bundle full. My mum kind of showed me what love could be and now I get to pass that on, without the abusive partner in the wings. There were definitely times I needed my mum and she wasn’t there, but I see now as an adult that she had her own crap going on. I hope my kids never see my crap & just see a happy, loving human that would walk on fire for them. I think the important thing is you don’t repeat the cycle

I don't think people were so huggy in the 70's, my mum was quite huggy compared with friends mums, and dads didn't do much hugging at all, especially to boys. No-one said 'I love you 'either at the end of phone calls. I knew my mum and dad loved me though. I think it was a different time. Some of the experiences on here sound very cold. My parents were always excited for me and pleased to see me and interested in my life, so I had no doubts about their love for me, even if it wasn't all hugs and 'love yous' although they say it now. Sorry for those who missed out, it is a real loss.

the only hug I ever had off my mum is when I was leaving her with my dad after she’d had an affair. She had a potato in one hand and the knife in the other.
just hugged and said she was sorry I was going.
I was the eldest of 6 and did a lot of looking after my younger siblings so I think she was sorry I wasn’t going to be around to help out.
im closer to my dad but never hugged that I can remember.
another child of the 80’s and 90’s teen.
I really hate hugs and only show genuine affection to my partner and our daughter

I understand the setiment but for some reason I find this really strange, you dont leave his classroom until he says he loves you back and gives you a kiss.

The thought of forcing my kids to give me is horrifying.

I'm the youngest (born in the 60s) of a large family with lots of hugs and displays of affection from my parents.
Mum loved children so much she fostered several alongside the 6 of us.

I was an adult before she told me hugs didn't come naturally as she'd never been hugged as a child (born mid 20s), but she'd been determined to reverse the trend.

I'm a very buggy person now and my sons in their 20s still like to give and receive hugs.

I am more affectionate with my mum now she's older and had some recent health issues. Our relationship immediately improved once she left my dad when I was about 18. When she was with him she appeared to be a cold person, to put on a 'united front' with his kind of Victorian parenting style and his tendency to be a wanker.

I could have written both your posts.
My parents are practically neighbours but I wouldn't say we are close. They see their Grandchildren two or three times a year but they don't truly know them at all. I see them out of a sense of loyalty just as they saw their parents weekly out of loyalty. They dont see the hurt of their repeated patterns.
I used to suffer terribly with headaches as a child. My Mum would get cross with me for being ill all the time. I don't remember cuddles, bedtime stories or teatime chats.
When DD was born my Mum hugged me. For the first time I can really ever remember. It felt so unnatural and it made me cry afterwards, to think it should be the most natural thing in the world.
The older I get the more confused I am that they never tried to change things.
My kids are my world and I hope I show it enough that they will always know it.

@GetOffTheRoof . Yes i totally understand. I felt loved (still do) ,but it was in the form of the best birthdays/Xmas etc, despite our parents not having much money etc. But nothing compares to being told those three words does it? It has totally fucked me up going into adulthood.
Im sorry to hear you dont have a good relationship with your parents now.
My dad has just been diagnosed with dementia, so i know i have to say it before its too late .

I know my Mum loves me. I was an accidental pregnancy in the late 60's , and she was from a religious family who were furious and yet she was still delighted. But I don't remember being told, or much in the way of physical affection.
(my Dad was a selfish narcissist and used to torment me as a small child for fun and made Mum's life very difficult too )
I genuinely can't ever remember being cuddled but I do know she cared very much.

I have four..now adult kids. DH and I still cuddle them every chance we get. I have just got back from visiting DS1 who lives abroad and we literally spent 3 weeks catching up on hugs I can't imagine not telling them that I love them every time I see them!
And now I have a little toddler grandson and he is getting Granny cuddles galore, absolutely knowing he is loved.
I genuinely think it was a generational thing for a lot of us who were in ordinary, not unhappy families.

Agree, this is not healthy or normal.. 😕

I'm 57. My mum never ever hugged us or expressed emotion at all. She was always completely flat, never massively happy ,never massively sad... just flat, self contained. She started hugging us after our father died 6 years ago. She said she realised that if she didn't hug us then she would never touch or be touched by anyone ever again. When I leave her company I have to consciously think 'hug mum' because its not a natural thing for me. I hug my children and my grandchild and my DILs with ease and joy.

Totally relate OP. i was born in the late 80s so really a 90s child and for the first 20 years of my life the only person I got affection from was the family dog.

While I can concede that some things are generational, if this lack of affection is matched with aggression, criticism, lack of care etc, it really can mess you up.

I was scared to let anyone get close to me because I thought I was the problem. Luckily, I met a good man when I moved out of the family home but it has taken a lot of time, therapy and support. Even now, the lack of affection and care can hurt when comparing to others

I think it is an "of it's time" thing. Your parents were raised in a certain way as were their parents before them. Advice, behaviours, norms etc were different and(unless you have never made a mistake in your life) it is not worth judging someone in the past by today's values nor comparing your methods to your neighbour's. Everyone is different and generally* everyone is doing the best that they can with the tools they have available to them, and hoping to improve it for the next generation.

*Yes, I know there are outliers to this and some people have miserable childhoods, but I would say that most people aren't being deliberately callous or neglectful, they may just be lacking in the correct tools for the job.

Yes similar experiences here, mum was a SAHP and she was (still is) emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.

I have never heard my mother ,now 83, ever say "I love you" to me or anyone else. She always says " You are very loved" if she says anything at all. She just can't bring herself to say it. I told my father I loved him when he was dying. He said he loved me too. He had never said it until he was terminally ill and I couldn't say it til then either. I'm glad I said it.