All the other mums hugged their child

[Whatdowedowithournightsnowitsfinished]

Since having my own Dd four years ago, I’ve had sort of flashes/memories of my own childhood. When I compare how things are with my own Dd and how I feel about her, with things from my own childhood, it feels different.
One that comes up in my memory a fair bit is when I went away alone from home with brownies for a few days camping. I was a shy child and remember finding it quite hard, although I had friends there, I missed home really. When the parents came to pick their kids up, I remember waiting quite excitedly as I saw other parents hugging and picking up their kids etc. When my mum arrived, she didn’t even really greet me in any proper way, certainly no hug, we barely talked on the way home and I remember arriving in my bedroom and thinking how I’d missed it and how it seemed different, but that nobody had missed me at all or even noticed I wasn’t there. It probably sounds a bit dramatic and I probably was a sensitive child, but I can’t imagine being anything like that with my Dd.
I had friends who had similar, half the time our parents never knew where we were, I can’t remember my parents asking much about school or my friends, just so different to now or at least how I am.
This was 80’s childhood, 90’s teens
Was this emotional neglect or just one of those things?
Could this have really had an impact on the person I grew up to be? Eg I find it hard to show natural affection for anyone but my Dd & children & animals and all sorts of other issues that I seem to be acknowledging now in my 40’s

It's strange about being "of the time".
As I said in my previous post my dad didn't "do" hugs/emotions/say I love you etc and neither did his siblings. They were/are quite stiff upper lip type people. Their mother died when they were teens so I feel sure that had an impact.
My ILs are from the same generation and are/were very tactile , give hugs and kisses etc. DH and his dad would give each other a kiss when they say goodbye etc.

I'd have been a bit miffed too, to have been away and felt that my mum was disinterested.
Hugs are another story though. I've never been touchy feely, and at some point in my childhood was subjected to daily "five minutes hugs and kisses" from my mum, as prescribed by a doctor. It was torture, I'd wriggle and writhe and feel very uncomfortable - no idea what it was meant to achieve!

Definitely a sign of the times, OP There was a lot of emotional neglect going on, particularly in working class families (in my experience anyway).

i had 2 very loving involved parents but my mum never hugged or kissed me or told me she loved me but i absolutely knew it.the only time i remember her kissing me is when i went in to hospital to be induced with first child.i was a child in the 70s and a teen in the 80s.i dont remember anyones parents being huggy/kissy in my childhood. i did feel very loved and secure though

I used to get hugs after my mum had behaved terrifyingly awful. I needed it as a petrified small child, but by the time I was 8 or 9, the post rage hugs made me furious because I knew she would do the same again and her sorry hugs didn’t cut it. I told her this once, after a rage and it didn’t go down well. Post fury hugs stopped. I was glad of that, didn’t want her to think it was all ok to behave like that and then a self absorbed sorry would make it better, but I was also a stiff as a board hugger as a result until I was emotionally able to separate relationship and behaviour of my mum from the rest of my life and relationships.

@Bestcatmum I know that feeling. My paternal grandmother died a few years ago. She was my best friend. My own mum has never shown me any sign of affection that I can remember, until we were standing at the graveside and she put her arm around me to comfort me. I’ve never moved so quickly. My mum looked so hurt but I just felt instantly panicked - I had no idea how to accept affection from her.

I don’t ever remember having cuddles or being told “I love you” as a child. In fact, my own dad still says he thinks it’s “unnatural to hug your children”!! Mum never did any typical mum/daughter stuff with me. All other friends went prom dress shopping with their mum - I went alone. She had no involvement when I had my DC. I’ve never been told that they were proud of me either. I put myself through university and they attended my graduation - they argued all morning, attended the ceremony, I got my single professional photo done and then we left as they wouldn’t stop arguing and refused to speak to any other parents etc. I have no other photos from the day.

Ive always really struggled with letting people in or with showing my own feelings and I strongly believe it’s because of my upbringing. It took me 9 years to say “I Love you” to my now DH. He knew I did (thankfully!) or he wouldn’t have stuck around. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

I now have a child of my own and he has been and will be cuddled and told that I love him every day that I can. It’s not a conscious effort that I have to make to do it though - it’s so beyond natural. I can’t ever imagine not wanting to hold him.

My mum and dad were the same. My mums mum died when she was really young though and she was brought up by her dad with all of her brothers and sisters so she never really had a role model for showing motherly love. I actually vividly remember one time she hugged me because it was so unusual. She never helped with school work, read bedtime stories or made sure I had breakfast or a coat on for the walk to school and she rarely spent time with me either. The funny thing is she’s my best friend now. I don’t know what I’d do without her, she’s never going to be all cuddly and mumsy with me but she’s really loving towards my children now. I think time has softened her edges.

I always wondered if it was my family that were a bit strange but evidently not. 90s baby

Sent too early! I have absolutely no memory of my mum or dad ever telling me they loved me or if I made them proud. Even to this day, and on my wedding day never said a word. I always felt loved but it was never said. It always used to puzzle me when friends would hang up the phone to them mum with love you. And my husband even in his 30s tells his mum he loves her all the time. I find it easy to tell my daughter and do make a conscious effort to do so but struggle to say it to anyone else

My mum never hugged me - she still doesn’t, on the rare occasion I’ve tried she pulls away. Though she does hug her gc.
Thank god my dad was, and still is, affectionate.

I never got hugs or told I was loved. I was loved but clashed a lot and have had life long differences with mum. I was born in the 60s and grew up in the 70s and early 80s.
I am a different mother to my children than mine was to me.

I'd agree, people were less huggy in general.
A discussion about Neighbours in the early 90s someone pointed out they all hug each other and 'nobody' does that.
I do think that might have subconsciously changed people's attitudes.

Same never hugged/cuddled now if anyone hugs me I feel uncomfortable, I really think its down to not having that affection growing up, my dc are the only people I really feel comfortable with hugging cuddling and I make sure they get plenty would never want them to feel awkward like I do.

I don't think my mum ever hugged or kissed me, she never said she loved me or anything like that. But then she would also ignore me for days which is why I panic so much now when people don't text/reply
It's the "what have I done, how can I fix it, what did I do wrong?"
It was never anything I had done, I would wake up and say morning and she would just huff and look at me and go back to her paper and refuse to speak to me

I remember being utterly weirded out by my best friend having to phone home every night when we went camping at 16, and even more when they all ended every call with "love you". I thought they were utter freaks, way too emotionally attached.

I only realised my family were the odd ones as an adult in my 30s.

My dad died when I was 30, and he never told me he loved me. I'm pretty sure he did, but he was very messed up by his own family. My mum clearly detested me for most of my life, but was bravely making the most of it by trying to fake it. Certainly she never said anything nice to me that I remember. But they sent me to a private school when my teacher recommended it, and there were odd day trips. I suspect it was all driven by my dad though.

She emigrated a few years ago. She said there was nothing to keep her in the country now her golden child had moved abroad. Me and her grandkids didn't even figure in her reckoning. Totally irrelevant to her.

I hug my kids all the time (consent permitting!). I tell them I love them enough that they've been known to roll their eyes.

DHs family were far worse.

My mum was the same. Throw in a few pervy handsy uncles and it really messed me up.

Slightly off topic but what about saying 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you' etc? Ever any praise? There was none for me

I've come to the conclusion as well as realising my mums a narcissist that she actually provides nothing in my life. She makes no time for me or my children. I don't want the drama and she is down right hurtful, but will never apologise. I walked out once at 16 at about 11pm to walk about 2 hours away to DHs house when he was my boyfriend and they let me, didn't bother to make sure I was safe. If that was one of my girls I would get DH to follow her in the car. Ok walk and be angry but damn right make sure she's safe. When I was pregnant after miscarrying triplets I was cautious during my pregnancy and wanted to be like that. She lost it, full drama and told my sister to get pregnant so she could celebrate. My next door neighbour broke her leg badly and has a young baby and her mum moved in to help. Being the sole carer of my three I said to my mum gosh I hope nothing like that happens to me with the school run, what would I do? (I can't drive due to epilepsy) DH needs to work and she said well we would have to contact the nhs. She drives, my dad drives and doesn't work. A car each. Contact the fucking nhs. She offered no support when I had my children, even when I suffered PND she said how bad hers was and 'how did I think she felt' and I locked myself out the house and everything (babies were safe though).

I now don't please her and everything has changed. She doesn't see the kids because she can't be bothered her arse, she'd rather us get 3 children in the car with all their stuff and packed lunches - she made it clear one time about taking our own food than just to come here.

I can rant about her but my god my mindset is a million times better. This Christmas we are going away - the drama was out of this world. And I'm happy I stuck to my guns as I feel free

But all our experiences are different and my mum let my dad abuse me etc so not exactly the same xxxx

DM always says she doesn’t know where I get it from ( being very huggy/affectionate) as she & DF aren’t naturally that way. Having said that, I had a very loving childhood with hugs & kisses. Both sets of Grandparents were not brought up to show their feelings, although DBro & I had lots of hugs from them as kids & young adults. Sadly DD13 will very rarely let us hug her now but I really hope that comes back. She was so loving & nurturing when she was little.

Yes. A zero affection / care childhood here as well. My DM even had a tantrum at having to go to my high school graduation. DF didn't even mention it or congratulate me.

What makes me mad though, is they're both all over my cousin's kids & going to their graduations, speech nights, school activities etc. and always wanting to see them. Will drive three hours to go to my DN's school grandparents day & happily sit through my Dd's dance concert. My kids are spoiled with cuddles, kisses & I love yous from both my parents. My DB got lots of attention and support growing up. Is still boasted about by DP's.

I often wonder what was / is so wrong with me that good enough.

I'm 46 and can relate to this. My parents seemed to live separate lives and didn't engage much with me or my sibling. I think they were both quite unhappy in family life and shut themselves off.

I remember aged 12 finding a lump in my stomach and asking my mum about it. She said "oh god it might be cancer you should see a doctor", then left it ùp to me to arrange and go alone. The doctor was baffled and wanted to know why I was unchaperoned. I also had a fit at home, told my mum who commented that it was weird then she headed off to bed. In both those cases I'd be whisking my kid to hospital etc. Just bonkers.

I have terrible low self esteem, social anxiety, I never believe people who say they like me and always expect people to drop me in the end.

Like others, my dc is hugged and told I love them several times a day.

It's strange that you go through life not realising how emotionally damaged you are until you have your own children. It was like an epiphany for my and explains a lot of my character traits. My brother has severe mental health issues and is nc with my parents but they don't see that as any of their fault.
There's a great book I would recommend reading: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
My favourite phrase that I always think about is 'be the parent you needed'.
Me and my kids often exchange 'love you's' when I'm around my parents and I wonder what they think about that. It's a phrase that has never been said by them and I think they regret that deep down. I have only been hugged by dm once when a grandparent died.

Same. There are photos of my DM, hugging me as a baby. Then my 1st sibling was born and..tumbleweed. Never hugged me or expressed any affection to me again. Not sure what I did as a 2 year old to deserve that 🤷‍♀️

Your children sound so lucky to have you. All the best mums are embarrassing with their affection at times. Keep kissing and cuddling them

so sorry that happened to you in your childhood. It’s easy to say that’s how it was back then but no, emotional neglect is abuse. You are loved by DH and DD. You can now get all the hugs and love you never had from them. It won’t cure your past but it can make a better future. I know that sounds twee but like a pp said as long as your unit happy. Fuck everyone else

I was born in 92 and felt emotionally disconnected from a very early age! I didn’t feel my mum cared for me, I felt she done what she HAD to but otherwise she seemed better with our cousins than us (my sister and I). I remember in primary school having after school clubs and my mum knowing she needed to pick me up at a certain time but not coming to the point the school was telling me they would have to call social services (I pleaded with them to take myself home as I only lived a few roads away!) my mum didn’t care.

I always had some kind of attachment issue from early on and then she found a man she randomly moved in on us when I was only like 6/7 years old. No introduction or anything just he was here now. It was a massive shock to me as it was just a woman’s house with my mum and sister.. we could walk around naked if we pleased but now we was being told under no circumstances to do that and to close the door when we are using the bathroom!

I tried to run this unfamiliar man out of our house and she was furious with my 6/7year old self telling me I had run away the only love of her life and it was all my fault she will never be happy now! (She told us we were the loves of her life before she met this guy). He also didn’t leave, he just went to get his stuff to fully move in the next day!

Our relationship deteriorated from there on and then the icing on the cake was that I became sick at 11 and she just wanted to throw me in the bin at that point!

she didn’t support me academically, refusing to put me in secondary school and saying she will home school me (except she didn’t intend to do that at all), I asked to go to my sisters school and she refused to sign me up or even come on my first day let alone parents evening! When I got bullied she didn’t care, made it out like it was my fault for wanting to go to school. When my peers plotted to beat me up it was my sister that got me out the school as my mum didn’t care. I had to get a aunt to sign me up to a different school as again my mum wasn’t there for it. She didn’t attend any meetings for parents and barely bought my uniform!

when I was sick in hospital she would visit the first few times when they was trying to find out what was wrong but otherwise left me there and refused to take me if I needed admitting (I almost had a cardiac arrest at home as she was so selfish and told my kid self to make my own way there while paralysed!)

At 16 she kicked me out, she could barely wait! Made my life a living hell and expected me to put up with it.. she called my dad who we didn’t speak to and told him she had enough of me, then she called social services when my dad wouldn’t give in and told me to lie to them! She forced them to get me out and when they booked the meeting she didn’t even show up! Again my sister had to help me leave! This was just how it was with us, no hugs, no “I love you’s”, not even a sense of care from her at all.

I often thought it was only me, only I was troubled by this however my sister ran away non Stop as a early teenager, police was bringing her back non stop until my mum eventually said to just leave her out there! If she came home a little late she was to be ignored and left outside until the next day (I often let her in through our window) and eventually she left home at 16 when she got pregnant and didn’t want to tell our mum. That sort of behaviour does come from a loving home where the children felt cared for!

I don’t know how my sister turned out now, because I cut the whole family off but I know for myself I have personal space issues, intimacy issues, abandonment issues, mother and father issues and emotionally feel messed up. My little brother was born 11 years after me and he was treated like royalty in comparison to us! At one point when I was telling him how lucky he was he turned around and said “oh cry me a river!” Like wtf total lack of disrespect which was taught to him by my mum being loose lipped around him regarding me!

I noticed as people age they change, especially our parents.. for me personally I don’t have the capacity to deal with my mum regardless if she changes or not.. I will never see her again or give her the time of day! Luckily she has two other kids to care for her in her frail days because she didn’t care for me when I needed it most.

many peoples family dynamics are very unfamiliar to me, I sometimes feel like why couldn’t I have that, but then I realise I’m still here, and of sound mind kind of and just grateful I made it out as I really considered giving up many times!

tough love is what they would say but this was different!