All the other mums hugged their child

[Whatdowedowithournightsnowitsfinished]

Since having my own Dd four years ago, I’ve had sort of flashes/memories of my own childhood. When I compare how things are with my own Dd and how I feel about her, with things from my own childhood, it feels different.
One that comes up in my memory a fair bit is when I went away alone from home with brownies for a few days camping. I was a shy child and remember finding it quite hard, although I had friends there, I missed home really. When the parents came to pick their kids up, I remember waiting quite excitedly as I saw other parents hugging and picking up their kids etc. When my mum arrived, she didn’t even really greet me in any proper way, certainly no hug, we barely talked on the way home and I remember arriving in my bedroom and thinking how I’d missed it and how it seemed different, but that nobody had missed me at all or even noticed I wasn’t there. It probably sounds a bit dramatic and I probably was a sensitive child, but I can’t imagine being anything like that with my Dd.
I had friends who had similar, half the time our parents never knew where we were, I can’t remember my parents asking much about school or my friends, just so different to now or at least how I am.
This was 80’s childhood, 90’s teens
Was this emotional neglect or just one of those things?
Could this have really had an impact on the person I grew up to be? Eg I find it hard to show natural affection for anyone but my Dd & children & animals and all sorts of other issues that I seem to be acknowledging now in my 40’s

I am fascinated by this thread as I can relate! I am 38. My parents were very caring in practical ways but I can’t remember affection. There is still none now. Their own parents were emotionally aloof and abusive.
I have also been reflecting on my own childhood and how it impacts my relationships to my DH and children

Same same. Emotionally neglected. My parents showed their affection by being controlling, masquerading their control by “we love you so much that’s why we worry”. That’s why I moved as far away as I could from them at the first opportunity. I’m very different with my own children.
Sorry so many of us had to grow up like this.

My mum died when I was 14 months old. My maternal grandmother and raised me until I was school age and then we moved in with my dad. She hated my dad. They never really spoke unless they had to. She bad mouthed him to all and sundry for 17 years until she died.

He really didn't know what to do with a young daughter. I asked him once if he loved me...he told me not to be so stupid...I recognise why I'm the way I am and it's just too bloody sad. I can't ever remember him touching or kissing me.

I remember in primary school having after school clubs and my mum knowing she needed to pick me up at a certain time but not coming to the point the school was telling me they would have to call social services

Ah I remember this. My mother was always late to pick me up (though she was perfectly capable of being on time for other things). No mobile phones back then, so no way of contacting her or asking how long she’d be. Other kids’ mothers used to assume she must have broken down and try to take me home with them. But it was another little way of reminding me what a burden I was.

My parents are actually more loving and affectionate towards my children than they ever have been to me. My mum has told me lots in the past like I was a mistake and she cried when she knew I was pregnant, that I’m so different to them (my parents and brothers and sisters) I didn’t know it was a thing to tell people you love them.

My siblings told me I was adopted and I actually believed them for a very long time. I asked my mum and she brushed it off.

I have very little self worth and low self esteem. Always have. I told my mum once that I felt suicidal and she just didn’t say anything. But within the same week I witnessed her embrace my older brother, tell him everything would be ok!

Wow can really relate to this last part! I never thought of it like that

The "whatever combination" did make me smile :)

Yes OP, exactly the same here! I had a screaming match with DM just the other day over this. She STILL deflects it and denies it, trying to make me believe I'm mis-remembering it. Tries to get angry at me at the mere suggestion.

I have struggled tremendously as a result. It's why I'm still suffering with suicidal depression

HOW can you not be keen on hugging your own babies??? Whether they're 5 or 50???

Did you stay in touch with your Dad? I feel really sad for him now after that last part!

I was never ever hugged as a child it was of its time I think ...now I am a big hugger with my friends and my own children.

That's very sad 😔 I have a 7yr old DD who is constantly hugging me and saying she loves me & that I'm very special to her etc. Could your DD be going through something at school? Or something on her mind?

@aSpanielintheworks It's so hard isn't it. We get on but there's so much awkwardness there. I feel some weird loyalty to them but at the same time I feel like we are more friends than mother and child. I like to think the fact it upsets us and we know it wasn't right for them to be like that to us. Makes us better mothers to our own children, and more affectionate to our kids, because sadly we know how it feels

The getting cross for having something wrong really resonates with me. I hurt my back in primary and just stopped complaining because that’s what I was supposed to do. I never felt loved. I felt like an inconvenience. I was fed and had basic clothes, taken to activities if I asked to do them, allowed to stop if I wanted to, to my deep regret. Never any guidance or love. I ended up seriously underachieving and with chronic fatigue and pain amongst other ailments, which is more common in people, who experienced adversity in childhood.

I can’t find the post about a poster, who saw she dh’s face in the mirror when saying goodbye to parents. This was me. I was so incredibly angry when dh’s mother got emotional when he said goodbye to her when he was moving to be with me. I never once got a flicker of emotion from my mother in all the times I went away - on school trips, to university or when I lived abroad at 20. I am sad and fuming now just thinking about it.

I have also broken the cycle with dd. It was so lovely when she was little, more tricky in her teens but I just need to ride the wave. Lots of I love yous. I insisted she continues to call me mummy when she tried to drop it maybe in year 4/5. I am definitely not mum. For me, the word feels like a cold stone.

Life with dd is lovely, but sometimes full of pain when I stop to compare our lives. I am giving dd the sort of childhood I would have wanted, based on her tastes, not mine. In some ways I am resilient. In others not. I am teaching dd resilience in a kinder way. Not to quit when things get tough. To believe in herself and as a result she is outgoing with an abundance of friends. I used to look with envy at my cousin, about 10 years my junior with such envy. Her life has turned out so much easier than mine. I hope it will be the same for my dd.

Sending love and hugs to you all. And love and hugs to all the struggling children out there. x

I sm a similar age to you OP can't imagine not being hugged etc as a child. When I look back at my life I remember the feeling of a hug or kiss from my mum and dad at the end of the day. As a child we need to have love shown to us. Ironically I'm not big hugger in adulthood but always make sue I tell my son he is loved and hug and kiss him. It really matters you are not being dramatic.
My husbands upbringing was different no physical affection,che struggles with this now as he is naturally a demonstrative person.

I like this post. I grew up in what I now realise was a very trad, strong family. Not much hugging at all, even now, we never say we love each other. But I felt loved anyway, which makes all the difference.

DP's family did do all that love / hugs etc and they also fought a lot too. I'm glad I grew up in my tranquil, undemonstrative family.

My parents weren’t huggers. I must admit it has meant I’m not overly affectionate. I always greet friends / family with a hug and I’d definitely hug my child in the situation described but I do find I’m not someone who would hug much

My parents never really hugged me or told me they've loved me - I do this all the time with my DC. My mum is much more "huggy" with me (and the DC!) than she ever was when I was a child.

My mum is like that and I found it massively overbearing and needy. It's ended up pushing me away! Listen to them if they keep saying it when they're older because after a time you're just fulfilling your needs rather than listening to theirs

We were what they call free-range kids now. Always out on the street / far from home. Next door were latch-key kids. Their mother or father were never home. I knew my mother was at home & that brought security.

But, reading another thread about a kid being left in a friend’s house in the evening. Folk were saying to call the police / SS. Nobody would have bat an eyelid if we were out at that age...Brought up in the 80s.

So many similarities!

My mum also gave all her old clothes and makeup and things to my younger sister.
They'd go on shopping trips and never asked if I wanted to go.

My mother never went to my graduation. Made some lame excuse why she couldn't go.
I was first to go to uni and graduated 3rd in my class in tough majors of computer science.
All that and she couldn't be bothered to show up.

I think she was jealous that we had a lot more options than she did when growing up.

My brother and I were never hugged as children and never told we were loved.
I'm actually surprised that we turned out as well as we have.

I don't recall hugging and kissing either of my parents until well into adulthood.

I hug my Dad now and tell him I love him, its no hardship but it's difficult with my Mum and I have to steel myself not to recoil. Fortunately she only gets soppy and huggy when she is drunk.

They were both cold parents, we were fed and housed but that's all. No care for our educational wellbeing, if we were bullied at school (farming family so the brunt of a lot of that).

My brother was slightly better treated than me but not by much.

He thinks we had a shit childhood and I have to agree.

What @wwowmummy said about "I'm 34 and the thought of cuddles with anyone else but my DH, children or pet makes me stiff as a ironing board."
I have a good relationship with my mum as an adult, like starting a new chapter, but she seems to have forgotten the lack of emotion and physical touch I had as a child. So when she tries to hug now or wants comfort via touch, I freeze, I hate it, it makes my skin crawl and I feel awful saying that as I do care for her but it is alien to me.
I feel how you did, when we had been away we didn't get the cuddles, kisses, I misses you etc. Life carried on. I shower my children with love and cuddles and will do until those years where its embarrassing for them 🤣

Yeah mine never hugged me and I then found physical touch with her extremely uncomfortable (she only did it infront of other people anyway, it’s interesting because she must have known that their was a gap between what was normal and what she actually did). I would freeze up if she tried to hug me as an adult because she never did when I was a child. NC now and it’s best for both of us.

I think I get touched out quite easily but I’m now mindful of making regular physical contact with DD. It’s not a lack of love it’s just difficult for me to express it. I insist on things like morning hug and she gets a massive hug and kiss everytime we say hello or goodbye. It does make me sad that it doesn’t come naturally to me. I would absolutely 100% no doubt die for DD yet I have to remind myself to give her a quick hug.

Did anyone's parents change midway through their life? When I left for uni, my unaffectionate parents seemed to be very clingy. My dad getting mad at me if I didn't contact him enough and my mum used to manipulate situations so I would stay longer or if she came to see me, she would be unable to leave for some reason. Even once pumping her tyre up as an apparent safety measure and somehow pulling the valve out meaning she had to stay until the RAC came which was hours. They went from being indifferent to smothering but in a selfish way and not for my benefit, forcing hugs and guilt on me knowing I froze when they did it.

I also have a very much older friend (sadly died now) but she was born in 1929. Her mum died when she was around 10 and she was never allowed to talk about her or the death. She was told and she moved in with her aunt who clearly saw her as an inconvenience but that was that, never to be mentioned again.