To think I'd get my evenings back by now?

[BananaHammock23]

Posting here for traffic hoping someone can help or at least share some hopeful stories.

My 16mo DS has never been a good sleeper. We cosleep and I still breastfeed - I feel like this is probably contributing to the problem.

My problem is that I'd really like to get my evenings back. Even if just a stretch from 7-10pm so we could spend time together without worrying or even have friends over for dinner or go out for a few hours with my mum babysitting.

We have a pretty good 7-7 routine. We do bath, book and bed and he tends to go down pretty quickly on the boob. The problem is that he then wakes up every 20 minutes-ish until I go to bed. Then he wakes up every 3 hours (on a good night). We can have anything between 2-8 wake ups a night. He has one nap a day at around 11.30/12 for 1-2 hours. This doesn't seem to make much difference to the nights.

How can I get him sleeping through, even just for that first stretch? I'd love another baby and I can't even imagine how that'll happen until DS is at least sleeping a few hours.

I have a supportive partner who does try and do their share but it does tend to fall to me in the evenings because it's quicker for me to feed him back to sleep than it is for them to rock him.

Anyway I'm tried and feel like I have no time to myself at all. I'm desperate. Any advice?

Here in solidarity! My 12 month old was a horrendous sleeper up until around 6 weeks ago, she was often taking 3 night feeds even at 9 months. She often sleeps through the night now (after finally giving into co sleeping) but I have to go up to bed with her at 8pm. It used to be that all I wanted was sleep, but now I dream if having an evening to watch a TV show with DH. She cries for me even if I get up for a wee!

Could you tell me a bit more about this? I'd love to have my evenings back!

This only stopped for me when I stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. Mine wasn't waking up as frequent but on average between 2-3 times per night. He only started completely sleeping through the whole night after i stopped breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding and bedsharing is not the problem.
I do the same with my daughter and she doesn’t wake this frequently anymore.
check out hey sleepy baby on Instagram she has an highlight reel on red flags around hourly wake ups.
my baby woke hourly (sometimes every 30mins) from 3 months - I followed the advice on the page and had her checked for a tongue tie at 7 months.
she was snoring/ mouth breathing and waking frequently - we had the missed tongue tie released at 7 months and she started sleeping longer stretches.
she still snores and wakes a few times a night - at 11 months night wakings increase d again.
I took her to the doctors to check for ear infections (another red flag) she hadn’t really shown any classic symptoms other than waking frequently- she had an ear infection- while there I asked for a referral to ENT to check her adenoids for the snoring (enlarged adenoids are another red flag that can cause frequent wakes)
we have the ENT appointment next week.

im not saying there is something wrong with your baby I’m just suggesting to look at other things that could be causing it before sleep training or resorting to weaning etc.
sleep is biological we cannot be taught how to sleep.

another thing you could try to reduce the night feeds is to layer associations - so feed but pat and rock to sleep at the same time- then gradually reduce the feed time until you can not latch and just rock and pat to sleep.

We were at absolute breaking point and had hit a wall, with regular prolonged night wakings (up to three hours sometimes), and nothing we did seemed to be getting anyone any sleep anymore, least of all baby (I was happy to continue the path of least resistance for as long as possible but we were all so miserable and sleep deprived by this point that we knew we had to try something else). Cosleeping just involved rolling around in the bed and crying, same with rocking and shushing. It was clear we were disturbing her and going round in circles. I should add she stopped feeding to sleep at about 6 months when I was still bf, which was part of the problem/solution perhaps.

My partner took the lead and we got some ideas from the Lucy Wolfe book (ignored all the stuff about feeds and naps and just decided on a plan based on the bedtime routine and approach). With a blanket and pillow or sofa mattress next to cot in the floor, we did usual bath, bottle, stories and then into the cot and we lie next to it until she went to sleep. Lots of standing up and chatting initially, we let her do her thing for a bit and then lie her down with hand on her back to encourage her to stay lying down. Rinse and repeat until she falls asleep. She also has a dummy and white noise. If the dummy is a distraction (thrown out of cot repeatedly etc) we keep it until it’s clear she is ready to go down and then pop it in. When whinging escalates to a bit of crying we do back rubs and pats and shush and comfort her that way. We avoid picking her up unless she is really upset as this prolongs everything. She can see us and knows we are right there and I just keep a hand on her back through the cot bars and if she keeps getting up, tap the mattress to encourage her to lie back down. First night took about 45 mins. Since then we do the odd dummy run here and there, but the change has been incredible. When teething or ill we revert to holding and rocking her when she won’t settle in cot and then once she is better we go back to her original routine. Hope this is helpful!

One of mine was like this. Had had enough at about 18m. Cot. Own room. Partner put in bed after a last feed downstairs. He slept through within a couple of nights and amazed us all. He'd honestly never slept longer than about 3 hours before that and I wished I'd done it months sooner!

BFing to sleep isn't necessarily causing the issue. I know several people here have said they stopped feeding at night and their child miraculously started sleeping through. But I stopped breastfeeding completely at 18 months because DDs sleep was so awful. It made no difference. She is 2 and a half and still doesn't sleep through, still takes hours to get off to sleep most nights and I have no evening and no sleep because I after her bedtime I still have several hours of work to do. She is in her own room, we have never bedshared and I've come to the conclusion she just doesn't need as much sleep as most children.

If you're happy to stop BFing, I'd say it's definitely worth a try. It was quite easy stopping for us, I just avoided doing as much of the bedtime routine as I could and DH took over. There were some tears, but DH was with her giving her lots of cuddles and within a couple of days she wasn't asking for boob at all. It might be a lot harder if you're only trying to stop feeding at night though.

I second @heysleepybaby on Instagram. She has some very good tips.

If you don't want to stop breastfeeding altogether, you can night wean. I mean it isn't easy from what I've seen, but it's worth it.

I had to stop bfing at 10 months as I got pregnant again, but even before that my hubby would put DD to sleep and she would last at least 3/4 hours before waking up.

We kept a mattress on the floor in the spare room, so we could lay with her when she woke up. Normally my husband went in with her, but sometimes I would.

She's 20 months now and though she still needs us to lay with her to sleep, she will stay down till about 5am.

If your baby is thirsty try giving just water when he wakes at night instead of milk.

And then they turn into teenagers and you go to bed before them but stay awake because you need to go through later and make sure everything is turned off. This parenting malarkey gets easier around 8-10 and then dog hard again.

It will get easier. But it will feel like it takes forever.
My youngest was breastfed and fed every 3 hours day & night until he was 6 months when I started to wean/introduced bottles. We started getting longer stretches at night then.

He's still a terrible sleeper though even at 9 years old 🤦‍♀️
Some kids just are.
Eldest was a dream & loves his sleep....its his fault I thought we could handle a 2nd child 🤣

Time for a bottle good luck

It feels like an awful long time ago now but I remember this with DD1. I wondered would she ever actually sleep through the night ever??? Fourteen years on I now know that she has high functioning autism and it was all likely related to insecurity/anxiety and nothing much to do with feeding.

Yep, we have all been through it. The mental pain of having to let your child find there own way to send them selves off. Normally they work it out after 3 nights of being left but it is heartbreaking to go through.

I'm sorry to tell you that you won't get your evenings back until you stop co-sleeping and breastfeeding. In mum's groups all over facebook I see this problem posted almost every day....and when a second one comes along it is even worse. There are people here who will recite 'oh they're only young once, make the most of this time, it will pass'..... but no. If you are serious about this and it is what you want - and if you want a second child - then you will have more of the same if you don't do things differently.

Try and get DS into a cot in your room at first, Warm it up so it's nice and cosy before you put him in, use white noise, and switch to a bottle at bedtime. He is using you as a pacifier when he stirs, it isn't because he is hungry.

The perfect time to transition to own cot and even room is 6-8 months. After that it is hard work,

....and when co-sleeping, you and your partner may actually be waking him up. It is all round better sleep for everyone with their own space.

I tried all of these suggestions bar sleep training (eg not feeding to sleep, changing naps, etc). Nothing worked. Only time. And accepting that it doesn’t last forever. Or you can choose to sleep train, which we chose not to do. I know friends who this worked well for, and others who it didn’t. For us, it never felt right but do what works best for you.

Once I stopped breast feeding at 18 months it steadily got better, but I know lots of breast fed children who slept better than mine so who knows if it was breastfeeding or just time.

Did the same as you with first one. He was a dream by 12 weeks and slept for ages. Second was nightmare with co sleeping etc. Moved him out of room at 15 months. Stopped breast feeding to sleep. Tricky for a while. Then was fine. Now they wake me up only when they’ve lost their house keys. 😳Which happens a lot. Wish you luck. It’s does get better. Promise!

You can definitely have a second (or third or fourth) child whilst cosleeping. As the majority of the world’s population will tell you.

I really have to say it’s not fair to reel this off as fact. Half of the world’s population co-sleep and they’re not all only child families, that’s for sure.
I myself have posted in support of the OP making some changes to her current situation if what she wants is more free time. But it’s one thing making suggestions or sharing what worked for your and your children, it’s another to say she has to put her child in their own cot and room and switch to a bottle like it’s the only possible solution.

We did gently sleep train, but my daughter was Der that your son at the time and not breastfed, as you say it's the feeding to sleep that is causing the problem.

Top tip is to put him down awake, sleepy but awake, and he should learn to self sooth, does he scream bloody murder if you don't feed him to sleep? If so it might be worth you being out of the house at bedtime and your partner doing it, at least for the first few nights, that way you won't be tempted to go in and feed.

Alternatively, feed until he is dozy and then take him off the boob and put him to bed still awake and see what happens? That might be a gentler way to do it at first?

Evenings? With a 16mo? 🤣🤣🤣if you’re lucky you might get one in ten years unless you have another baby

i’d say you have a while to go before you get your evenings back…

i think my eldest was 3 and my youngest was 1.5 before I got a semblance of an evening back…… and they are 8&6 now and I still get woken up at least once 3 nights out of 7.

It gets better as they turn 2 , all is a stage . Do not stop feeding the baby to sleep suddenly as some suggest as it’s his comfort and it will disrupt him even more . I know it sounds and is exhausting ( mum to 3 my youngest is 11 months old ) but it gets better

Gradual retreat. I had the same issue with ds1 and was pregnant and quite frankly crippling myself at the prospect of 2 non sleeping babies!

Briefly - very firm bedtime routine, fir us it was bath, pjs, book, then bf/cuddle with music/light thing on. Then started offering a soft spouted cup with warm cows milk alongside bf. He soon switched over (very surprisingly!)

Then...started putting in the cot with the milk . Patted, sing, shushed, whatever til he was asleep. Took FOREVER about 70 minutes but no crying. Did this every night. Within 10 days it was down to 20 min with me sitting next to the cot. Then I started gradually retreating. Very very gradually.

I took a lot longer than many, but after 2 months I could put him in the cot with the mobile on and leave him to it. Resettling himself overnight vastly improved too. He started sleeping through til 4am

It got much better for me between 1.5-2 years. I think the only change is I put him I his own room...sorry I can't remember exactly what your set up is. I don't necessarily agree you need to stop feeding to sleep. I did until we stopped breastfeeding completely at over 3 when I was pregnant- unless you want to stop of course that's up to you. Big loves