To think I'd get my evenings back by now?

[BananaHammock23]

Posting here for traffic hoping someone can help or at least share some hopeful stories.

My 16mo DS has never been a good sleeper. We cosleep and I still breastfeed - I feel like this is probably contributing to the problem.

My problem is that I'd really like to get my evenings back. Even if just a stretch from 7-10pm so we could spend time together without worrying or even have friends over for dinner or go out for a few hours with my mum babysitting.

We have a pretty good 7-7 routine. We do bath, book and bed and he tends to go down pretty quickly on the boob. The problem is that he then wakes up every 20 minutes-ish until I go to bed. Then he wakes up every 3 hours (on a good night). We can have anything between 2-8 wake ups a night. He has one nap a day at around 11.30/12 for 1-2 hours. This doesn't seem to make much difference to the nights.

How can I get him sleeping through, even just for that first stretch? I'd love another baby and I can't even imagine how that'll happen until DS is at least sleeping a few hours.

I have a supportive partner who does try and do their share but it does tend to fall to me in the evenings because it's quicker for me to feed him back to sleep than it is for them to rock him.

Anyway I'm tried and feel like I have no time to myself at all. I'm desperate. Any advice?

I would honestly try not co-sleeping before you give up breastfeeding. DD2 is 8 months, so early days, but DD5 was breastfed until she was not quite 2.5 and I've fed them both to sleep every night and all night wake ups. My husband has never done a night. For me the main thing is they went into their own rooms at about 7 months and that really improved both their sleep. It was hard on me with the backwards and forwards in the night, and I have had a couple of nights where I've had to take her into the spare room, but overall sleeping in a separate room has helped a lot. DD5 starting sleeping through at 11 months, and is a brilliant sleeper now and DD 8 months is doing ok, not perfectly and plenty of time to be proven wrong but good for now.

Nor me! And now I have to pick him up from here there and everywhere just to add to the misery 😂

Babies that are not breastfeeding shouldn't be using bottles at bedtime (or any time) after about 12-13 months old (even sooner if you like), it's bad for their teeth and completely unnecessary.

I recommend this too, it worked for us along with night weaning.

My kids are 8 and 5 and I still don't have my evenings back 🤦

That’s outrageous!! You have to stop feeding to sleep! Sometimes mine drops off during a feed,sometimes he doesn’t. Even if he is awake he goes into cot and falls asleep on his own. Why wouldn’t he? He has a nice warm calm room, with all his familiar things and a comfy cot. Your dc is missing out on proper sleep, is getting
stressed in his bed, and is missing out on a close age sibling! Buy a sleep training book and put him down awake. You don’t have to stop feeding. I fed all mine till 2 but there’s not a chance I’d have been able to cope with your situation.

So sorry OP, I feel your pain! My DC was a terrible sleeper until they stopped night feeds and started walking more in the day (at about 13 months). But it is hard! We gradually weaned them off night feeds with lots of comforting in their own bed, but not picking them up. We got there in the end but it took around a month I think

I have tried everything apart from sleep training. Even got a sleep consultant. None of it made a difference. He still wakes every 2 hours or so.

Some toddlers are just shit sleepers. Try not to stress trying to find the answer when maybe he just needs time.

I hope some of the advices will work for you OP. Have gone through only half of the posts so far but none of those worked for my DS. He is 2. Sleep consultations, weeks of different sleep training. I havent had full night of sleep since he was born. It how it has to be at the moment. Some of the babies are just terrible sleepers

When DS was very small I realised I could never get him to go to bed before me, so instead of spending my evenings up in his room trying to settle him I spent them downstairs watching telly, but cuddling a baby, which was fine by both of us.
A bit later I eventually tried out the "controlled crying" method, in which you put the baby down and let him cry until he eventually goes to sleep. Honestly, do it. It really does work. I read a really good blog post, which annoyingly I can't find, ages ago which said that babies naturally wake and sleep over and over again during the night; if they always get a cuddle when they wake, then obviously that's what they come to expect, but if they don't, then they go back to sleep again without actually experiencing all that much distress. It takes three nights. After that your life will be so much better.

I think I just needed to be given permission not to leap up and attend to his every cry; I felt like a Bad Mum for doing so, when actually, a big part of me had actually come to resent him for wanting so much attention - for which he could hardly be blamed. There is a sense in which parents train their kids to expect attention.

Dr Jay Gordon night weaning.

I breast fed to sleep and co-slept (following safety rules as you would with any sleep arrangement) it did get in the way of doing other things during those times during whilst in that phase but, it didn’t cause any long term sleep problems. Honestly I think it’s just a fleeting phase, seems never ending at the time but changes quickly and you end up feeling nostalgic. Try to embrace it where you can and otherwise remind yourself, nothing lasts forever, either good or bad.

That’s unlocked a deeply buried memory! I remember that helping, is that where you pick 6 hours where you just don’t breastfeed (older babies/toddlers of course)

I bf both DC until they were around 2 but I never fed to sleep. Once you break that association you’ll be heading in the right direction. Just wanted to post to show that you can BF and get your evenings! I used to love my evenings to myself from 7pm every night. Now they’re older I have to help with homework and prying them off screens!

Try a bottle at bedtime. That way your OH can do it and a full tummy may help him sleep longer rather than snacking all night

He always feeds to sleep. So he wakes and thinks he needs to feed to sleep.

To begin with, lying down and going to sleep will be unfamiliar, but after three days or so he'll get it. You just need to get over the hump.

I breastfed to sleep and tbh that didn't seem to be the problem - co-sleeping was. I loved co-sleeping but once in their own room they eventually started sleeping through. Now, if for some reason we are in the same room (eg holidays) they revert to demanding boob every few hours even though they sleep through the night at home.

I also went out in the evening and my husband discovered his own techniques to get dc to sleep. He now deals with any night wakings because dc will resettle immediately for him but not me (no booby forthcoming)!

Ah here, that has to be the most annoying response ever. The OP is bloomin exhausted. Life is not all butterflies and rainbows. 16 months of no personal time or space is a long time and she's perfectly entitled to want a break.

Also, to add, you can enjoy the 'precious time' with your baby, and STILL want to have a break!

I fed mine to sleep until she was two, but I night weaned at 20 months and she slept through after that. So I’d do her bedtime feed and then no milk until morning. I followed Sarah ockwell smiths gentle approach and it was perfect for us combined with a couple of books to help explain it. Milkies when the sunshine was the best. My son is 16 months and I’m going to do the same with him at 18 months if he is ready.

@Hotchocfudgecake what did you do instead to get her to sleep?

I stopped breastfeeding DS1 at 16 months and he started sleeping through shortly afterwards. Before that he'd start the night in his own room, fed or cuddled to sleep by me but I'd bring him into my bed at the first wakeup and we'd cosleep.

The way I stopped was: when DS1 "asked" for a feed (nuzzling in or saying "mimi" which meant both milk and mummy 🙄) I'd say No, not right now but we'll have milk [before bed/before your nap/in the morning] etc. I'd then give him a cup of water or cow's milk, or a snack, or a cuddle, or play a little game with him - depending on if I thought he was asking for a feed out of hunger, thirst, boredom, wanting connection etc. I always kept my promises so I would always feed him when I said I would.

Over about a month I delayed all the feeds like this til we were down to just one feed first thing in the morning. Then when he "asked" for that one I'd say Nooo, let's go downstairs today and play instead. I'd make him his favourite breakfast and he was generally too excited to miss the feed much.

I do remember a few nights with him in my bed crying because I wouldn't feed him but it honestly wasn't that bad. On those occasions I'd hold him tight, sing to him etc, so he had lots of comfort and wasn't crying alone, and he was only waiting a few hours until the morning for his feed - it wasn't that he couldn't have it at all. The whole process was more painless than I was expecting.

He's almost 3 now and still prefers to have a grownup in his room until he goes to sleep, but when he does sleep now it's for 12+ hours. DS2 meanwhile is only 7 months and is also breastfed, but will actually put himself to sleep in his cot if I put him in awake, and often sleeps a solid 8 hours before waking for a feed. So actually I think the idea they must fall asleep in the conditions they will wake up in is a bit of a myth and varies from child to child.

One other thing I found helpful with both of my DC is Kerry Secker (Care It Out sleep consultant)'s idea of a "rolled up response". Basically when baby wakes, first of all you pause to see if they're actually awake and trying to communicate with you, rather than just grunting or crying in their sleep. If you're happy that they are, poke your head around the door and say some comforting words. If that doesn't work to settle them, try doing it by patting/stroking without picking then up. If that doesn't work you pick up and rock them and if they're still unsettled after that, only then do you feed them.

The idea is this gives them a chance to go back to sleep without feeding, but you're always there supporting them. With time they might get used to going to sleep with just a pat on the back etc. You might need to adapt this technique a bit if you're cosleeping all night.

I was basically going to write this exact same post.

Have you tried a later bedtime OP?

This. My then-16 month old was the same. It nearly broke me! I remember thinking surely 16 months of never having a full nights sleep can’t be good for me???! So we stopped feeding to sleep, sleep-trained him and it took 3 nights for him to be sleeping through having never managed it before. He’s been an amazing sleeper ever since, and he’s now 9 😂

Have a look at the Facebook group 'beyond sleep training project'. It's full of supportive advice for parents who don't want to sleep train but are desperate for more sleep.

I get people saying baby needs to fall asleep on their own, but also get it's not that easy. Also I fed my baby to sleep (til she was three!) and she certainly learned to do longer stretches at the beginning of the night despite being fed to sleep. I'm not sure how we achieved it so I don't have any tips (sorry) just wanted to say it can happen without stopping feeding to sleep.

I'm sure I've read that waking frequently after the first sleep onset can be due to insufficient sleep pressure ie baby isn't tired enough yet. I'm not sure how that would fit with your babe, but worth thinking about trying a later bedtime maybe?