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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not leaving the house

93 replies

CrackerIsland · 27/11/2022 10:30

I don’t like leaving my house - it makes me feel anxious. I only feel anxious if I think about going places, if I stay home I’m perfectly happy. I don’t generally have a desire to go anywhere. I feel like I can lead a full and happy life from inside the house but I’m aware that most people don’t feel this way. WIBU to just never leave the house?

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 27/11/2022 10:33

I imagine it won’t be long before never leaving the house has quite severe health implications.
Do you live with family? Will this alienate them?

MIL pretty much refused to leave the house long before she was actually housebound and it had a profound impact on her relationship with her son and granddaughter.

Original poster
CrackerIsland · 27/11/2022 10:53

I have a husband and children. My husband does all the shopping, I think I’ve been to the supermarket maybe twice this year but I didn’t manage a shop, I had to get out.

I go to my parents and siblings houses, that doesn’t cause anxiety so I’m happy doing that. I do go to work but I’m starting to feel like I can’t cope with that. I was off work for three months earlier this year as I couldn’t leave the house at all but I did manage to get back to going into my office (but not the canteen).

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 27/11/2022 10:54

What do you do for exercise? Or if you run out of milk?

Original poster
CrackerIsland · 27/11/2022 11:20

I have an exercise bike. I will sometimes go out for a walk with the dog, if we drive somewhere not crowded. Sometimes going out for a walk feels too much. But equally I often think I’d love living off-grid in a tent somewhere remote. We went wild camping in Scotland in the summer and that was wonderful.

If we need milk my husband goes to the shop.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 27/11/2022 11:24

Of course YABU. Don't your children have parties, Christmas Fairs, extra curricular activities and so on? Don't they want to go to the park? I can imagine someone being a home body and enjoying being at home but never leaving the house is a while other kettle of fish.

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2022 11:29

Well, you have agoraphobia, and as with all phobias, if you feed them (by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious) then the phobia will grow and become more severe. Ultimately it will lead to your life becoming seriously restricted.

So you need to have some counselling to address the agoraphobia.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 27/11/2022 11:30

If you feel anxious, you feel anxious. I feel similarly - I get a dreadful feeling akin to homesickness if I go out, even for a short time. However, go out I do, for work, socialising and life. If I were your husband I'd get pretty fed up of doing everything. I suggest you get help for your anxiety as it is not only affecting you, it will/already is impacting on your family.

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2022 11:32

I do go to work but I’m starting to feel like I can’t cope with that.

Phobias escalate. What you need is to keep challenging yourself, not staying in your comfort zone. As your comfort zone will get smaller and smaller and smaller.

How does your DH feel about this?

When you were off work, did you get any help - referred for counselling etc?

FrownedUpon · 27/11/2022 11:34

You need help with agoraphobia. Have you had any therapy?

You can try and convince yourself it’s normal and ok, but you’ll have a very limited, unhealthy life. You’re also over reliant on your DH What if he dies or leaves you?

EmmaAgain22 · 27/11/2022 11:35

What happens if your DH is ill?

i have a lot of anxiety around leaving my home too, if it's going far, but needs must etc. I'm just en route home after being out of it for three weeks due to mum being hospitalised. It's been bloody awful but there was no way round it.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 27/11/2022 11:36

I agree with PP that you have agoraphobia. I had to shield through most of 2020 and having never had any anxiety before was really anxious going out at first. If you don’t tackle it, over time it will get worse and start to limit not just your life but the lives of those around you and become a major problem. A friend’s Mum suffers with agoraphobia and it’s a major problem now. What if your DH wasn’t around for any reason?

If you can’t gently teach yourself to get out more, please seek professional help now OP.

Stillbrokenby2022 · 27/11/2022 11:39

I can’t be bothered to leave my house anymore OP it’s not anxiety I’m fine if I have to go somewhere, I just don’t see the enjoyment of it.

pilates · 27/11/2022 11:42

Does it not affect your childrens lives?

Original poster
CrackerIsland · 27/11/2022 11:48

I wasn’t sure if I have agoraphobia as I googled it and it talks about panic attacks and panic disorder. I’ve never had a panic attack.

Is it actually a problem if I enjoy not going out though. I only feel anxious if I have to go anywhere, if I chose to not go anywhere I’m not anxious and I’m happy.

I don’t go to school events or take the children to parties. My husband does all that. Although two of my children have ASD and they are also more than happy to never leave the house.

I probably am over-reliant on my husband, I couldn’t cope at all without him.

When I was off work sick, I got given Sertraline by my GP. I’m not sure how helpful it is but I did get back to work so maybe that was the Sertraline. I still take 100mg daily.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 27/11/2022 11:50

It's not a question of being unreasonable, it's just not healthy. Do you really want your children to grow up with their mum never going out anywhere with them? Do you think it's a healthy lesson to teach them?

What about if something happens to your husband? What would you do then?

Not a nice thing to think about, but IMO you should always have the knowledge that you CAN be completely independent if and when you need to be .. and if you can't leave the house then obviously you couldn't be.

See your GP. Anxiety can be managed, and doing this will open doors (literally) for you.

You can still enjoy lots of time at home, but you shouldn't be stuck there with no other choice.

3beesinmybonnet · 27/11/2022 11:51

Agree with pps this sounds like agoraphobia - literally 'fear of the marketplace ' where you might meet anybody and who knows what they'll say or do and you can't control it.

Please speak to your GP and get some help, otherwise it's likely to just get worse.

LifeOfAnxiety · 27/11/2022 11:52

I’m exactly the same @CrackerIsland
I’d happily never leave the house again. Even delivery drivers make my heart race as they walk up the drive. I work part time and have a panic each night before going in, frequently break down in work because of attacks of anxiety.
I was referred for therapy last November, discharged in March when the person left.
Spoke again to the dr to be re referred in July, he said I sounded like I was pretty much housebound, I’m still waiting for help.

Theluggage15 · 27/11/2022 11:53

Your life is getting smaller and smaller and you’re being unfair on your husband and children. Can’t you see that? You really need to get help.

tikibird · 27/11/2022 12:01

No, you need to do something about this asap. Don’t deprive your children and dh of a normal life, it’s really not fair to them.

You are feeding your agoraphobia, stop it before it’s too late for real.

YellowTreeHouse · 27/11/2022 12:03

This isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy.

It also isn’t fair on your children to bring them up in this environment. You need to get help and you need to do it ASAP as your children will already be negatively affected.

TedMullins · 27/11/2022 12:09

Of course it’s still a problem even if you enjoy staying in. You’re setting a really bad example to your kids and putting a lot of pressure on your husband. If I was him I wouldn’t be happy with this dynamic at all. Very unhealthy to be so reliant on him, you can’t guarantee he’ll always be around. You really need to go back to the GP and be honest about your situation and get some help.

MynameisJune · 27/11/2022 12:14

Of course it’s an issue. What if your husband gets ill, dies or leaves you? Then what? You don’t have to go out if you don’t want to, but for your kids and your husband you need to be ‘able’ to leave the house when you need to. If you carry on down this road you’ll be housebound. What happens when you can’t work and you want DH to do absolutely everything for you and the kids? Very selfish and unfair.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/11/2022 12:16

As others have said, having an untreated anxiety disorder that you wont face up to is tremendously hard on the family around you. And children who grow up with parents who have anxiety disorders are far far more likely to have them themselves. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but what you are doing is affecting them negatively. IAPT services treat agoraphobia and you can self refer. A lot offer remote work, so you can start your work with them at home, and work on your problem from there.

whatisforteamum · 27/11/2022 12:35

Hi OP.
I don't think you are being unreasonable however I agree that you don't want to be too reliant on your dh.
I've had agoraphobia a couple of times in my life.Once in my 20s and more recently in my 50s due to menopause imo.
I had to stop driving and it got so bad I could work but struggled to get there.I couldn't even shop alone or go to the bank.
I had telephone therapy.
Now I can do most things again and more recently got a job that required me to go on public transport and it is fine.
Vit D and magnesium helped my anxiety loads.
Good luck and please get some help.
Also this is not your life forever now.
Anything is possible.

PeachyPears · 27/11/2022 12:46

YABU

also you say you have children, what kind of upbringing would they have with a mother who refuses to leave the house

please seek some help with your mental health for everyone’s sake