Not leaving the house

[CrackerIsland]

I don’t like leaving my house - it makes me feel anxious. I only feel anxious if I think about going places, if I stay home I’m perfectly happy. I don’t generally have a desire to go anywhere. I feel like I can lead a full and happy life from inside the house but I’m aware that most people don’t feel this way. WIBU to just never leave the house?

OP how do you think you would manage if your DH was ill etc? If you think you can handle stuff like that, that's a lot different.

basically trying to ascertain if you are in full on phobia or just avoiding from preference. The two situations are worlds apart.

Yesterday I did want to go to the cinema but in the end I felt to overwhelmed at the thought of it so we didn’t go. That’s what’s got me thinking about it.

OP that's a mild panic attack. I had/had agoraphobia so I understand, but your world will get smaller and smaller if you stay at home, as you're telling your mind that it is right and that outside is dangerous. So you'll have more and more panic and anxiety until you actually cannot leave.

Imagine never being able to go on holiday, to the beach, to walk in woods, to visit your children, to go out for dinner, the attend weddings/funerals.

Hmmm, if my husband were ill I dunno, I could just wait until he got better. If he were totally incapacitated long-term I’d not cope with supermarket shopping so I’d do that online.

Everything else is probably more avoiding from preference. I’d probably try and find someone else like my mum to come with me if I did need to go anywhere.

I thought panic attacks were like hyperventilating and fast heart rate

Enjoying staying home and preferring to be at home to being anywhere else = perfectly reasonable and I don’t disagree!

But this isn’t what you are describing OP. What you are describing is an escalating situation, probably a phobia but at the minimum a mental health deterioration.

You must realise that not being able to leave the house due to anxiety (other than very specific places) is not reasonable or normal?

You may feel it doesn’t affect anyone now but it certainly will start to impact your children and husband if you simply cannot leave the house.

It really does sound like you need to address it, I would book a GP appointment.

I think you're doing your DC a huge disservice my modelling this as acceptable. I hope you take steps to deal with it, for their sakes.

My mother never took me anywhere on her own. She would go out alone strangely to limit places. but never took my sibling and myself anywhere. Not even a walk.
We accepted it as normal, as your children do, but it's had a profound effect on me as an adult. I'm now a GM and it still hurts.
She did teach me how not to be a parent and I was lucky enough to have some spirit left to find my way in the world, my siblings too.
OP, don't imagine it's ok, as it's not, not for your husband, children or you.

Your kids need to get out of the house with both parents, it's not fair on your husband. Get a doctors appointment sorted and get some help with tackling this.

Those are some possible physical symptoms of a panic attack. But feelings of panic or anxiety are about being overwhelmed by a situation, or the thought of something.

Sorry, but you are kidding yourself OP. There are all kinds of situations which could arise which would mean youdhave to be able to leave the house. Also I don't understand why you seem unbothered by how unfair this is to yiur husband and children. I'm guessing you are much more scared than you are admitting, and that you are framing this as a choice so that you can remain in denial and not deal with it.

Hold on, how long did you actually stay in the house during covid ?

Goodness me
I have been ill or injured for weeks at a time, it only takes a bit of bad luck.

the fact you say you'd wait till he got better seems a big concern to me. I think you need to start looking at online therapy.

Why would you need another person to come with you if your husband couldn't unless you were nervous/anxious? Why would you avoid the cinema and feel overwhelmed?

you do seem a bit in denial about how much this is affecting you emotionally, OP, and how much you could cope if something happened, even a silly thing like your husband getting flu for example, let alone if he became incapacitated.

Get the Claire Weeks books and see if anything rings a bell.

Yabvu to just accept living like this.

Yes you probably have anxiety/agoraphobia or both. It can be a debilitating illness but it's doesn't mean that you should just accept it and give up hope.

For one it's unfair on your husband and children.

I grew up with a parent who had agoraphobia and you're kidding yourself if you think it won't affect your family.

You need to keep trying. It might be doing things like going to the shops just for milk when it's quiet and building on it. Go back to your GP, insist that they help you.

I could have written this myself OP.

This isn't normal or healthy, OP.

Avoiding everyday situations because they make you anxious is reinforcing your internal belief ("at home is safe, elsewhere is not") and it will just get worse.

What about if your children do want you to go and watch their school play/football/chess game? What if your children or husband or mum gets ill and need regular trips to a GP or hospital and needs your support? What if your husband breaks his leg? What if your kids want to go to a play park or an event? What about your relationship and the dynamic - your DH as, effectively, a kind of carer? Does he mind? You say your children show signs of preferring to be at home - why do you think that is? Because consciously or unconsciously you've modelled preferring being at home and possibly shown your anxiety at being out and about, and they've picked that up. You're doing them a disservice, as well as yourself.

I know it feels safer to be at home but your brain is playing tricks on you and in the meantime your children, your partner and most importantly you are missing out on a normal life because of it.

If you think “that’s the way you should live” then you were very, very selfish to have children and put that upon them and your husband.

You are being selfish and not putting them first.

I don’t go to school events or take the children to parties. My husband does all that.

How do you feel about his workload?

How does it affect your relationship?

Sorry, but YABVU and incredibly selfish.
If the tables were turned and you posted about your DH behaving the way you are, I would bet that a huge amount of replies would be for you to leave him.

Your DH could end up in hospital, and be poorly for a very long time. He might end up with cancer and need regular hospital visits. Would you still expect him to carry you then?
He may end up going into hospital and never coming out.

For the sake of your DH and children, you need to get this agoraphobia sorted. You are kidding yourself if you think your life is full by never leaving the house.

Your agoraphobia is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Yes, mine was like that too but not until I was 9 that she developed early dementia and hardly left the house, was bed bound most of the time, never did anything for us, and I remember being lonely at home. If you have kids with asd especially they need to get used to being out and about doing things as they will get older and maybe be like you OP. I have asd young adult and they love being out and about.

Hold on, how long did you actually stay in the house during covid?

I’m not sure exactly, the whole time I guess. I don’t remember how long Lockdown down was. I was in my last year of Uni (mature student obviously) and Uni announced they were closing I think it was around mid-March 2020. The next day we were told we were covid contacts and started isolating and I think just as that would’ve ended national lockdown started. I can remember going to my mums garden for her birthday July. I can remember going to a reservoir in Yorkshire for a day out in the summer and feeling very scared at the sheer number of people. I can remember going to a shopping centre with my mum to do Christmas shopping but having to run out the shopping centre because it was overwhelming and different and I didn’t know the rules. That’s all I can remember for 2020.

My children were able to go to school throughout lockdown.

As someone who's lived with agoraphobia for 17 years - if you don't address this, it will only get worse. As PPs said, your world will get smaller and smaller. There have been times when I have been not just housebound, but roombound. It's not a life I would wish on anyone and I wish so much I had fought harder in the beginning and never let it take hold of me the way it has.

On top of that is the effect it will inevitably have on your children. Mine are grown up now, but they were very small when I became agoraphobic. They don't remember me being any other way. All their happiest memories - days out, holidays etc - were made with someone else, and that really hurts. I have missed out on so much of their lives. My oldest graduated this summer. I would have given anything to be there but it just wasn't possible. I was able to watch it via livestream but it's not the same and as much as she told me it was fine, I know she wanted me there.

My youngest is starting to follow in my footsteps and it's breaking my heart to think of the life she will have if she doesn't beat this. She had some anxiety in secondary school but she refused counselling. Now, in her second year of college, she has stopped attending and she is barely able to leave the house. She is now engaging with counselling but I fear it might be too little too late and the guilt I feel is immense. She is only 19, she should have so much to look forward to, and I know it's my fault she's struggling.

Please, don't accept this as your life. Mine is full of regret.

Since covid i leave the house 75% less than i used to. Im certainly not motivated to go to places like i used to. I dont like a lot of people around me anymore.

Im going to give this a try x thank you x

YABU to not see this as a problem. Your children can't be living very full lives and it must be a lot of pressure on your husband.