Not leaving the house

[CrackerIsland]

I don’t like leaving my house - it makes me feel anxious. I only feel anxious if I think about going places, if I stay home I’m perfectly happy. I don’t generally have a desire to go anywhere. I feel like I can lead a full and happy life from inside the house but I’m aware that most people don’t feel this way. WIBU to just never leave the house?

Yabu. It's not healthy to stay in. You need exercise and vitamin D for a start. I get it's your comfort zone but it's very bad for you.

For home to be your comfort zone is absolutely fine. To only leave home for short periods if you absolutely have to is also ok (though not ideal).

To never leave it is not fine. To put this kind of pressure and expectation on your partner is not fine.

Are you really saying that never do the school run or take a DC to an activity? Go outside to get fresh air? You make your DH do absolutely everything that involves leaving the house? Can you not see how unhealthy this is, how dysfunctional, how one-sided, how unfair? You owe it to your family to seek some help for your anxiety.

I think a lot of people felt like this after lockdown. Did this escalate after the pandemic, op?
presumably you used to go out & about?

I would ask your GP for some CBT Therapy

It's not fair on your children.

I get spells like this, but I have to FORCE myself to go out with my children. Like today for example I didn't feel up to driving and taking kids out my aniexty is bad today, so I found somewhere local that we could walk too and had a fun few hours out.

It's even more important if your kids have SEN mine do, and as adults we have to model to them socialising skills so they learn and adapt for when they are older.

You are being incredibly unfair to your husband and children and you need to seek help.
I'm going to watch my youngest in his school play next week and watching my DD play in a football match. It means a lot to them that I am there to support them.

You shouldn't just check out of normal family activities, you need to try and address your problem.

My Aunt had agoraphobia. It wasn't until my Uncle was in hospital that she went out. After his death she had no choice but to get on top of it. It was pre home delivery/internet. My cousin's did resent her for it. When did these feelings start? Could you have ASD? This is really going to limit life with and for your children, as well as putting a lot of strain on your DH. You need to speak to the GP. It would be exceptionally selfish to not do anything about it. If you aren't feeling panic, then what makes you leave and go back home?

Awful way to live, and not fair on your family.

make sure you’re on some regular vitamin d!

Why would you just give up on the whole of the rest of the world without even a struggle?

Please get help. Your life is too limited and you are missing out on too much. This really is treatable

Don't kid yourself it doesn't affect your kids OP. My mother was a single parent and had agoraphobia and various other mental disorders.
I was sent out aged just 5 to do all of the shopping and to go to and from school a mile away on my own.
I did this until the stepfather came along.
I've been left with complex PTSD from her neglect and disability to look after me and take me out and I don't see her any more.
We have not mad any happy memories together - outing and walks etc. All I remember is her mental illness. It was hell.
You NEED to get psychiatric help and you need to put more into family life or your children will feel the same about you.

As a starting point, order the books (and recordings) of Claire Weekes and just listen and read them. She was an expert in helping people with agoraphobia and anxiety in general and it helps just to read about it, feel understood and see others have trodden the same path.

you are trying to convince yourself you don't have a problem as you don't have anxiety in your house, but with phobias, this is typical, I'm only anxious if I see a needle/have a blood test, the problem is the uncontrollable anxiety if you are exposed to the fear object, which for you is the whole of the outside world! My needle phobia is not a problem unless I need to have surgery/go to a hospital, which I have had to do recently- that's why phobias are so difficult because you can end up rearranging your life around them and affecting your ability to function but it may not be noticeable until you have to go out/have a blood test.

In this case, your agoraphobia is affecting your relationship (huge pressure on your husband to function as 'you' in the world), everyday activities (can't shop, starting to avoid work) and causing you stress (why would you write on here about it if it's just fine to stay in and never go out, I think you know this is problematic). It's also quite problematic that you feel it's ok for your ASD children to stay in- what if they start avoiding college or school, or don't make friends?

I think it's brave of you to post, and I suspect you do want to tackle this. Hope it works out for you.

This . You have all the signs of agoraphobia. It might seem OK at the moment, to just roll with the flow. But agoraphobia can have serious affects on your life . I've seen my sister living with it for many years, and like you she just says well I'm happy at home , dh does all the outside things etc. But her kids never see their mother outside, they are so used to it that they never expect her to do anything with them. They are adolescent now and I can see them drifting away from her, never having any life with her outside the house. And her husband is obviously having a life outside, without her. He has friends and a social life without her , and it's a shame to see him making a life on his own. I'd highly recommend to you, that you get some therapy before this becomes entrenched and you lose the ability to change your future .

I still have nightmares about the interminable long walks I had to do alone. A mile is a really long way for a 5 year old and the shops were even further away. I keep dreaming that the road just gets longer and longer and never ends and that monsters live in the houses en route.
I am 60 years old and still have these dreams.

Is it actually a problem if I enjoy not going out though. I only feel anxious if I have to go anywhere, if I chose to not go anywhere I’m not anxious and I’m happy.

Yes, it is a problem. Because it isn’t a choice you’re making to stay home or go out. And it forces your husband and children to carry you.

Your poor children, I can't even imagine a life with a mother who won't go out. You really need to get some help so they can have normal childhood experiences

You have a wrong thinking, instead of working towards going out more you’re regressing and make your condition from bad to worse , you will regret it if you don’t get help. From what you say , your work will stop soon , next will be your family’s houses etc and you’ll become a recluse. You’re not making yourself or your family any favours

I think a lot of you are being quite harsh. We are an ASD family and one of my kids has a tendency to not see the point in going out. Yes you need some help and you need to show a good example to your kids. I love WFH made a massive difference to my life I hate noise and lots of people: I do go out, we all do but maybe less than the average family we need to decompress at the weekends at home after going to school and working. Bizarrely we all love travelling abroad although we would only spend a day or two in a city and prefer quieter areas. I’ve been for a walk this weekend but that’s it. All shopping is online. There are lots of ways of leading your life, you need to able to go and see your child perform in a school play but there is no reason you ever have to go into a supermarket again.

Do you have ASD? If your kids have it that might explain things.

I’m a homebody , love hanging out at home but even I feel anxious reading your post it makes me feel trapped.

What happens when your kids graduate school/ university, get married , win an Oscar ( being dramatic on purpose) are you just going to watch life from afar, sorry but that’s not living you need some counselling I believe

YABVU. You need to get help with this. Apart from it being bad for you, it's massively unfair on your husband, and your children, who are growing up with a mother who doesn't go anywhere with them, and growing up to think that this is an ok way to live.

Obviously YANBU to have this problem, but YABU to decide to frame it as a lifestyle choice and decide not to seek help for it.

As others have said this is not healthy.

I think Covid and lockdown has contributed to or exacerbated this in a lot of people.

It was suggested to me by an Educational Psychologist and also a Psychotherapist I was made to see at Uni that I gave ASD but I’ve never had any formal testing.

School runs we don’t need to do as a Taxi comes, and my 13 year old DS goes on the school bus. So it’s only really shopping my husband does.

This is the first year really since Covid that school concerts and things have started taking place face to face again. Even parents evening was still on Zoom.

Covid probably has had an impact. I absolutely loved lockdown - for the first time in my life I actually had permission to stay inside. I never went out once, not even for a walk. I was so much more relaxed than I’d been in years and I thought yeah this is the way I should live.

I don’t think my children are overly bothered really. They have a preference fir home too. If I do go out, it’s to take them out and I push myself for that. It’s okay, if my husband or mum come too. But I’d probably rather not.

Yesterday I did want to go to the cinema but in the end I felt to overwhelmed at the thought of it so we didn’t go. That’s what’s got me thinking about it.

Your poor, poor children