Not leaving the house

[CrackerIsland]

I don’t like leaving my house - it makes me feel anxious. I only feel anxious if I think about going places, if I stay home I’m perfectly happy. I don’t generally have a desire to go anywhere. I feel like I can lead a full and happy life from inside the house but I’m aware that most people don’t feel this way. WIBU to just never leave the house?

Your DCs graduation? Weddings? Holidays? Family Funerals? Hospital appointments?

I'm sorry this happened to you. You werea brave child and you didn't deserve to feel so alone at the time. Maybe you've stayed safe all these years because the monsters were afraid of YOU and wouldn't come out of their houses. Big hugs for you.

You aren't having panic attacks because you are successfully avoiding anything that stresses you out.

In the meantime, you are refusing to acknowledge the impact this probably has on your husband and your children. Your children might prefer to be at home, but it's not good for them either. They need a social life and to learn the skills they need to operate in the world, and that is on you and your DH. right now, only your DH is doing it and you are actively working against him - because your children see you refusing to engage with the world, they will think it's okay and normal.

I don’t think my children are overly bothered really. They have a preference fir home too. If I do go out, it’s to take them out and I push myself for that. It’s okay, if my husband or mum come too. But I’d probably rather not.
Yesterday I did want to go to the cinema but in the end I felt to overwhelmed at the thought of it so we didn’t go.

It sounds almost like you’re pleased your children are turning out like you. To me this is close to child abuse.

Wait, so everyone was ready to go to the cinema yesterday but no one went because you were overwhelmed?
Do you not see that as a problem?
Your poor husband and children. You'd better hope he isn't planning on leaving you in the near future or you'll be screwed, perhaps now is a very good time to start working on your mental health issues before you get thrown in at the deep end.

I have/had agoraphobia and I try so hard everyday to get better if you give up and except it, it will get really bad really quick. You need mental health help with exposure therapy

it’s all very well having a preference to stay in but you are far too reliant on your husband and the situation isn’t fair on the kids.

they need to understand that it’s normal to go out, interact with the world and do stuff. They will leave home one day- what will you do then? Rely on them to come and see you? Miss their weddings/graduations? And when they have their own children do you think they be happy to come to you all the time (clue- not likely).

you say you have a dog- doesn’t he need walking on a daily basis as a starting point?

i think covid made a lot of scared of crowds etc- i don’t think I’ll ever enjoy being in a crowded place again. However it’s time now we all made more effort to get back to some kind of normal. Wfh is all very well bur does have a tendency to turn a lot of us into hermits which really isn’t healthy.

Although this might seem harsh, I agree with @tikibird. You owe it to your children to tackle your mental illness, not perpetuate it.

It's a very slippery slope.

My mum never leaves the house, in fact she hasn't been out in nearly 4 years. It started with anxiety about going to places further away, and then the circle got smaller and smaller over the years until she was only comfortable going within her own town, and then nowhere at all. Whenever it's been attempted she has panic attacks, even after taking a Valium.

It is a burden on the family and will likely damage your relationship with your husband and children. I can only see my mother if I go and see her in the house and she has missed various family events over the years. I worry about what will happen if she has an illness one day that needs treatment in a hospital setting, as I can't see her ever leaving the house again now.

I am taking all your comments on board. Perhaps I’m more unwell than I realised - it’s not my intention to be selfish. I don’t think the children have noticed I don’t like to go out - I just say I’m not feeling good.

I don’t know how I can get help, I looked at exposure therapy and the mere thought induces feelings of panic.

Exposure therapy is honestly amazing they will go at your pace. Mine started by standing in the garden then front step then walking next door and so on

You are lying to yourself, pretending you are OK, happy even, when you are phobic to the point of dependency.

whether you admit it or not, this is having a profound impact on your DC’s childhood. It doesn’t exactly sound like you have family trips to the beach, or the zoo. Or that you even attend parents meetings.

OP "I don’t think the children have noticed I don’t like to go out - I just say I’m not feeling good."

they'll be wondering why mum is ill a lot.

I have been on meds for anxiety and depression for years and maybe have developed some odd things. With a colleague who had agoraphobia, we had a thing that she'd just do a walk round the block while talking to me on the phone, then in the evening her boyfriend would take her for a walk for a bit longer. She came back to work after two weeks of that.

there's probably better therapies as this was years ago, but a few mins outside the house was do-able.

I take a lot of meds but occasionally have extra to go out to the pub or something if I get very anxious beforehand.

there are things I won't do full stop eg a concert at Wembley Stadium, but I can live with that.

You need professional help, You will have a better quality of life if you overcome this phobia, and so will your children , I do speak from personal experience. It's awful being afraid of something don't need to fear .

I must admit I'm abit like you, I do go shopping / do the school run but I would rather not. I do it because I refuse to have to rely on other people for these simple tasks. You do need to push yourself OP. I feel anxious doing it but once it's over with I'm absolutely fine and home again, the more you completely stop doing the harder it is to start again.

I don’t think the children have noticed I don’t like to go out - I just say I’m not feeling good.

But it doesn't really make any difference whether they think it's because you don't want to or because you don't feel good. It still means their mum never takes them anywhere. And sooner or later they are going to wonder about the fact that you never feel good, even if you have no apparent signs of ill health. Make no mistake - this 100% will affect your children. But you seem to be ok with that. You are desperately trying to frame it as a reasonable, if unusual, preference. But it's not. It's a mental health condition for which you need treatment.

I don’t know how I can get help, I looked at exposure therapy and the mere thought induces feelings of panic.

This is what tells you that you need to explore getting help. Exposure therapy is very gradual and very beneficial. Please talk to your GP about escalating agoraphobia. And talk to your DH about supporting you to do this.

It’s OK to prefer home over anywhere else.
It’s OK to shop online because you prefer it.
It’s OK to not like crowds.

But once you actually cannot go in a supermarket or shop to buy a pint of milk or paracetamol or some other urgently needed thing, or once you cannot take your children on an outing or accompany them to a needed appointment or talk to their teachers at school, then you aren’t just acting on a preference any more because it’s not a choice. You are paralysed by fear and the fear is ruling your life. You are no longer choosing.

Anxiety is an awful feeling , and facing your fears about going out might initially cause an increase in panicky feelings. But this can be managed with effective support .
If you take the “ easier” path of not facing your fears and trying to get back out it will cause considerable problems in relationships with loved ones. How does your dh feel about never being able to go out for a walk, a meal, go on holiday with you. What will your dc feel about you missing their weddings, not being able to take your grandchildren out .
I worked in older peoples mental health services and met people in this situation. Their families had started by being very supportive and understanding, but over the years huge amounts of resentment would develop which often led to estrangement and marriages breaking down . Please don’t let that happen to you and your family.
Your best chance of recovery is starting treatment as soon as possible