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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children, do we love them the same?

94 replies

pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:27

I will expand tomorrow but I want to know if you have more then one child. Do you love them both the same? Or all the same?

If you had a bad pregnancy and were sick/ had pNd/ injuries that left you changed for life: did you have good relationship with your child or did you gel more with another?

Can you have PND for one child and not the other or others so say you had one child you had PND with, did you bond with the other children and carry on feeling bad about one of your children?

I've got three and I gel with one more then any of them. It's my middle child. I am so close to him.

First child is really tough but also brilliant. I was left with life changing injuries after my pregnancy with them. They are going through an ASD and ADD diagnostic pathway. At home their behaviour is disruptive and damaging. Physically breaking as many of our things including their own as possible

Other kids have different dispositions
Not sure what I'm asking I'm offloading

Would a doctor be able to help me? If I say it out loud, I'm admitting I've got a block with one of my children

I feel so guilty and awful about it

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 21:30

I think it’s an interesting question and growing up my parents would always say they loved us equally… but loving and liking people is different, and i think it’s normal and natural to have a closer bond with one child more than another. Especially if one child is more complex and challenging than another.

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:33

I think it’s normal to have different relationships with your children. But when one of your children is affecting the whole house with their behaviour, it’s very challenging to say the least. I don’t think you love them differently, more that some are just not as easy.
Have you got outside support with your eldest child?

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:34

Try not to feel guilty. It won’t help you or them.

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:35

I'm getting the outside help lined up

I just don't click with them I'm away atm for the first time in years for the night and I miss them and I see their lovely side but I find them so tricky to be with
I just like my middle child so much. He is agreeable, kind and gentle. Caring and careful too. I parent them the same. I would die for all of my children to save them. But I just don't feel as close to my eldest. I am so ashamed

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Sprouttreesareamazing · 26/11/2022 21:35

Maybe use the word easier rather than favourite? Different age dc offer up easier relationships than other stage dc...
*dm of 10 +dc here!

Fufumcgoo · 26/11/2022 21:36

I love them both the same. 100% but I like them differently. Does that make sense?

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:37

I wonder if he lays in bed and thinks. My mum doesn't like me so much and If he feels as awful as I do. I am crushed. I wished I did like him as much as my middle child. Our middle child is divine. Our eldest is so aggressive and disruptive. He also is very loving and caring. He is so disobedient and obstructive at home though great at school etc. I wish I could expand I just can't I am feeling lost with how to explain myself

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Hellocatshome · 26/11/2022 21:37

I love them the same but at different times of their life I have liked them differently.

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:38

Sprouttreesareamazing · 26/11/2022 21:35

Maybe use the word easier rather than favourite? Different age dc offer up easier relationships than other stage dc...
*dm of 10 +dc here!

Wow you sound incredible

Yes he's not even nearly as easy and so present, he makes his presence so clear

Urgh I am so disgusted with myself

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AliceAbsolum · 26/11/2022 21:38

I think you have very good reasons to feel differently about your children. Some counseling to work through it could help?

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:38

I'm so comforted by these replies not saying I'm an arsehole @Fufumcgoo I really do love them all the same but I like my middle one so much more easily

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PatriciaBateman · 26/11/2022 21:39

The same amount of love? Yes.
The same type and way of loving? No.

They each light up different aspects of my own character and we engage/bond differently.
But I would happily lay down my life for any of them.

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:39

AliceAbsolum · 26/11/2022 21:38

I think you have very good reasons to feel differently about your children. Some counseling to work through it could help?

Agree, I have started counselling
I think I feel ashamed to tell the truth out loud to someone. I'm worried they will think I don't care about him. But I do. So much. I do everything I can to make his life better- just I don't know if he realises

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Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:40

PatriciaBateman · 26/11/2022 21:39

The same amount of love? Yes.
The same type and way of loving? No.

They each light up different aspects of my own character and we engage/bond differently.
But I would happily lay down my life for any of them.

Another really comforting reply thank you x

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ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:40

It’s ok@pndorjustme.
Really. My eldest was a complete nightmare throughout her teenage years. Truly horrific, we did get outside support. My middle son is like being in a warm bubble bath.
You love your eldest, but his behaviour is difficult to deal with. That’s ok.
Can you talk to him?

AliceAbsolum · 26/11/2022 21:41

Definitely be honest with the counselor, they will have heard it before. They won't judge you.

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:42

Please don’t be disgusted with yourself. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, honestly. You will get through this.Flowers

CatSeany · 26/11/2022 21:43

Yes, I love mine the same. Some days I find one easier than the other, and I might 'like' one more than the other, but I love them both the same.

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:43

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:40

It’s ok@pndorjustme.
Really. My eldest was a complete nightmare throughout her teenage years. Truly horrific, we did get outside support. My middle son is like being in a warm bubble bath.
You love your eldest, but his behaviour is difficult to deal with. That’s ok.
Can you talk to him?

Not sure if he will get it and I don't want to break his heart and for him to hide it 🥹🥹 I feel so bad about how I can't reconcile myself to want to be close with him. He is six and he is so tough
He doesn't share conversations he just talks. He waits or tries to wait for us to finish so he can talk, not wanting to process what we say
It's so unfair of me to feel like this. I am supposed to be the grown up. I feel so bad. I've name changed because I am really open about using MN and I even have my photo on there and where I live. It's like my horrible gross secret

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BigFatLiar · 26/11/2022 21:44

Fortunately ours were never any trouble (other than the odd tantrum) so I've no experience of dealing with difficult children. OH used to give one a cuddle and say she was his favourite, they quickly cottoned on that his favourite was whichever one he was with at the time.

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:44

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:42

Please don’t be disgusted with yourself. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, honestly. You will get through this.Flowers

Thank you so much for this comment it is so comforting

I am so ashamed
I am supposed to be the grown up

But how can you force yourself to LIKE someone it's so complex isn't it

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PurpleBananas22 · 26/11/2022 21:49

I love both my children literally to the end of the earth and would take a bullet for either of them without question.

I LIKE them varying amounts.... sometimes one is an absolute arse and the other a delight, and vice versa. rarely are they equally likeable.

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:50

Accept how you feel. Think I don’t like how you are making me feel. It’s ok. You can love someone and they can drive you nuts!
The most grown up thing you can do is accept how you feel and be ok with it. To get through this it helps if you can forgive yourself, this is the core of your strength. Your ability to handle how you feel will help him handle how he feels.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 26/11/2022 21:51

Have you tried to find an activity to do together with just that dc ? Ds 8 can play a fab game of cards and actually beat me. And I am good! Currently been playing draughts... He enjoys colouring in as do I. He grows vegetables as do I. Something small to nurture together like our garden! It can take a small thing to start with.

Original poster
pndorjustme · 26/11/2022 21:51

ThatshallotBaby · 26/11/2022 21:50

Accept how you feel. Think I don’t like how you are making me feel. It’s ok. You can love someone and they can drive you nuts!
The most grown up thing you can do is accept how you feel and be ok with it. To get through this it helps if you can forgive yourself, this is the core of your strength. Your ability to handle how you feel will help him handle how he feels.

Beautiful and helpful reply, thank you

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