Children, do we love them the same?

[pndorjustme]

I will expand tomorrow but I want to know if you have more then one child. Do you love them both the same? Or all the same?

If you had a bad pregnancy and were sick/ had pNd/ injuries that left you changed for life: did you have good relationship with your child or did you gel more with another?

Can you have PND for one child and not the other or others so say you had one child you had PND with, did you bond with the other children and carry on feeling bad about one of your children?

I've got three and I gel with one more then any of them. It's my middle child. I am so close to him.

First child is really tough but also brilliant. I was left with life changing injuries after my pregnancy with them. They are going through an ASD and ADD diagnostic pathway. At home their behaviour is disruptive and damaging. Physically breaking as many of our things including their own as possible

Other kids have different dispositions
Not sure what I'm asking I'm offloading

Would a doctor be able to help me? If I say it out loud, I'm admitting I've got a block with one of my children

I feel so guilty and awful about it

Don’t force anything. Accept accept accept, forgive and let go and finally move forward.

OP, I have one DC for now, but I just wanted to say IMO children, like every human being, need to be loved and supported in their own individual ways. I am sure you are giving your children that. Sometimes those ways of loving and supporting someone can take an emotional and physical toll on you which is completely understandable. But this doesn't mean you don't treat them equally or love them equally. It means two things, one you're human and two, you're a very good mum. So don't put yourself down or feel guilty.

I also think, unpopular thought maybe, but true, a lot of women feel resentment to some extent if their physical and/or mental health suffered as a result of pregnancy. I don't think you resent the individual though, as in your child. You quite rightly resent what's happened to you and you have every right to feel this way. It's valid. It would be easier for you to become more accepting of it and counselling would help you find your peace. Take care 💐 xx

We used to cook a lot together and we like foraging but I feel so permanently irritated it makes me feel really flat the idea of being with him alone even though I know you're right and making a good suggestion
I want him to behave first then to do these things but he is six and I am his mom so I know in my heart it's down to me

I'm going to invite him out with me
I appreciate this post xxx

You've reduced me to tears
This is so comforting and so well put. You are fantastic. What a lucky child you have to have such a considerate and balanced mother
Thank you 🙏

Good plan @pndorjustme
Have zero expectations and don’t beat yourself up. Try and let him take the lead. Trust him.

You are so caring and gentle

I just can't for the last three years since our middle child get over how much it affects us. My husband feels the same too. I feel shit about it. What if our eldest notices 🥹🥹🥹 he would be broken

You are so fantastic

I have 3, I love them all the same amount but all of them are very different and some are more difficult than others 👀🙈 I always say the middle one is the easiest.

I have two and like and love them the same. The way I see it is everyone has flaws and pluses so I think any challenges and loving behaviour all balances itself out between them in the end. My two are a boy and a girl and they just have very different approaches to life so it wouldn't be accurate to compare them.

@pndorjustme
You are so lovely. I just know the more you try to ouch something down the bigger and darker it gets. Bring your feelings into the light. Gently does it. You still have trauma from his birth, respect that. Honour that even, let those feelings of pain and fear come, and comfort yourself through them. You are ALIVE, he is ALIVE, you did it! You both made it.

While I'm not neurodiverse, I was a very difficult child. The most difficult of three, without question. I was very angry and challenging and made my mum's life really hard - I didn't want to, but I was just hormonal and confused and I hated myself. I know it was horrendous for her. She told me, mid row, when I was 17 that she loved me but didn't like me, and I knew she regretted it the moment she said it. Soon after I left home, found my place in the world, grew my life as I wanted it...thirty years on, my relationship with her has never been better...she's amazing and while I don't have exactly the same place in her heart as my other two, easier, siblings, it's great between us.

I have a challenging relationship with my son and I worry about the things you worry about.

But I think often about my own relationship trajectory with my mum and I know that things change, they don't stay the same.

Hang in there and good for you for staring the truth in the face. It's the only way to move on. It will be ok.

Out of interest, how do you feel about your third child? You haven’t really mentioned them.

I only have one (not through choice), but as time has gone on, I have come to suspect that most parents are closer to one kid than the others. If I had had a second child, I would either have had a less close relationship with them, because DS takes up so much of my attention, or I would have lost my closeness with DS. Your attention can only be split so many ways.

I just read that he is 6- that is tiny, so small, I don't think you can expect them to be the ideal child as envisioned by an adult, it is unfair and they will sense it especially if your husband feels the same. It is actually unfair to expect so much from a young child.

OP, is it the case you're exhausted and just wishing life was a bit easier for and with your oldest DC and that's the crux? There's nothing wrong to think that if so.

It sounds like this issue has been highlighted since the arrival of your second child, and inevitably you compare how "easy" your second one is when you think about your first DC. Is this the case? It's a tough one because of course everyone in an ideal world would be an "easy" person and have "easy" children etc., I say this in inverted commas meaning someone not requiring additional care and support, straightforward. But that's not the real world. In the real world, people are a lot more complex and diverse and so are their needs. So theoretical scenarios are irrelevant. You have your DCs and they are all being looked after. They aren't going anywhere and they need you to be their mum. What you need is having a break regularly and doing things for you to recover and release stress, anxiety and all the negative emotions. You are not a bad person or a bad mother, you need to accept what's in front of you though and make sure you charge your batteries regularly to deal with it. xx

Name changed for this.

I was my mum’s first, and was not only quite a rough pregnancy but was then a horrendous/agonising delivery resulting in some brutal interventions that left her very traumatised. She wasn’t well equipped to cope with it emotionally in the first place, and she never received any help to cope.

I didn’t know any of that until my late 20s.

What I did know was that she never liked me (even as a baby/toddler!), and adored/lionised my little brother, who was a really easy pregnancy and popped out with no problems. Will spare more detail as no point sharing childhood things here, but I always knew I was lesser and unloved.

He hasn’t ended up really benefiting from being the golden child, sadly - both his ex-wives initiated their divorces from him because he’s a gigantic arrogant arsehole, in no small part thanks to the way in which my mum favoured him as she brought us up. And I ended up in a series of damaging relationships because of my tragically low self-esteem and not knowing what love should feel like.

I really wish my mum had been as self-aware, as insightful, and proactive as you are. I’m in my late 30s now and have had a lot of therapy over the last decade. I’m a parent myself now. And I really do think psychotherapy would have helped my mum be a better mum - not just to me, but to my brother as well.

I think you are doing the right thing to help you better manage being a mother to your very different children. And you’re conscious of your differing attitudes towards them, which is absolutely the key thing to help you understand and get past it (as well as to stop yourself treating one as less-than in the moment). That makes you a good mum already, and you’ll be a better one when your journey is completed. This is a really important path for you, and I think it’s hard to understate how impactful it will be for your children when you see it through. Please don’t let guilt hinder your progress!

I am not closer to one or the other, I have two and personally don't agree with that notion. Mine are 15.5 and 11 so they are in quite different stages, I'm unsure if that makes a difference as my teen wants a different relationship with me to my 11 year old, they are not competing I that sense.

The baseline love I have for my children is all the same and doesnt change, but who is my extra favourite is variable according to who is being nicest and who is being a pain in the arse. Its not a static thing and id never tell any of them as would just cause rivalry. I think you can overthink these things. Responsibility and commitment and nurturing your children is a big part of love. Affection is the fun part, but if you are depressed it can be hard to feel any positive emotions

I found it harder to bond with my second and had some level of trauma/PND from the medical intervention in his early life. For me it was really helpful to acknowledge that to close friends and family. I now love them both the same. They are hard at different times and in different ways, and also wonderful in different ways. It definitely helps them and me to have focused individual time with each of them.

Mine are grown up and love them the same and always have
However I have liked them differently or got on with one better than another during different periods of their lives
For example DS was an adorable toddler but a hard to settle baby - I didn’t feel as close to him as DD when he was 5 up to 11/12 but then he was a much easier teen
They are so different now but I embrace that and wonder why I worried

Both my children are very different and I have a different relationship with both. One girl one boy. I love them both very much but the relationships are different.

I don’t have children but I do think this is normal! My mother admits she prefers my sister to me; at the same time she has said many times that sister (younger than me) was such a difficult child that if she’d had her first, she’d never have had another. She doesn’t like me because of PND in the first instance, but also we’re just a terrible personality fit for one another. It’s just the way it is. I do know she loves me, I never doubted that. We don’t like each other because our personalities are wildly different, that’s all. You can’t always expect to like your children the same, just because they’re your children. You DO have to love them and try to treat them equally, which it seems you are doing.

My 2 are very different. One is definitely easier but the other is extremely loving. If we’re all out together one is usually a lot more annoying than the other one but on a one to one basis the annoying one is lovely to spend time with, but you need to give him your full attention even as a pre-teen. The other one is just more laid back and happy to relax and chat. I love them both the same, they haven’t ever accused me of having a favourite so I hope they know that.

You don’t seem to mention your youngest?

I have 3 too, OP. It can be a tricky number. I am definitely closest to my eldest, and 'like' her more, even though I love all 3 dearly. My middle one isn't particularly easy and sometimes I don't feel as bonded with her. Youngest is somewhere in between. I would NEVER utter this outside of Mumsnet, but I was at my happiest with parenting when it was just my eldest.

My two have different personalities and emotional needs from me (DS1 is autistic)

He was worn out and upset at the end of school this week, and the best thing for him is normally for me to stay quiet, give him space, food and drink and wait for him to process and be ready to open up.
When DS2 is upset, he needs hugs, talking and consoling. It's easier to feel more loving towards DS2 because we express love in more similar ways. That doesn't mean I love one more than the other, it's just easier to recognise the love I give to one of them, but when I work at meeting the needs of the other, that's acts of love too.

I like 1:1 time with each of them and that brings out the best in them. Their school holidays are slightly off kilter for the next couple of years so that works quite well for us.

It's like the difference between 2+2 and 2x2. Same outcome, different process.