Page 4 | Children, do we love them the same?

pndorjustme · 2022-11-26T21:27:28+00:00

I will expand tomorrow but I want to know if you have more then one child. Do you love them both the same? Or all the same? If you had a bad pregnancy and were sick/ had pNd/ injuries that left you changed for life: did you have good relationship with your child or did you gel more with another? Can you have PND for one child and not the other or others so say you had one child you had PND with, did you bond with the other children and carry on feeling bad about one of your children? I've got three and I gel with one more then any of them. It's my middle child. I am so close to him. First child is really tough but also brilliant. I was left with life changing injuries after my pregnancy with them. They are going through an ASD and ADD diagnostic pathway. At home their behaviour is disruptive and damaging. Physically breaking as many of our things including their own as possible Other kids have different dispositions Not sure what I'm asking I'm offloading Would a doctor be able to help me? If I say it out loud, I'm admitting I've got a block with one of my children I feel so guilty and awful about it

Original poster

pndorjustme · 27/11/2022 15:47

Notanotherwindow · 27/11/2022 14:12

If it helps I didn't bond with my nephew at all until he was about 8. The talking thing really resonated because that is what he was like at 6. He has adhd but no other SEN. He is nine now and we get on so well. I don't find him annoying at all.

His little sister is now 6 and God I find her really trying. I really struggle to like her, she irritates the piss out of me. I've come to the conclusion it's just a really difficult age at the best of times.

Considering locking her in a cupboard until you hits double digits. 😂

Another very very very comforting message xxx

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 27/11/2022 15:48

Notanotherwindow · 27/11/2022 13:28

I don't think you sound awful at all. It's really hard parenting a child with additional needs. There's no let up and even the best parent in the world is going to get a bit of compassion fatigue.

You said he was amazing and that you'd die for him, that sounds pretty loving to me. You just click better with your middle child, it's easier to have fun and spend time with him. Your eldest, it is more difficult and that drains you. It doesn't mean you don't love him or are a bad mum.

Thank you for this it is just that
I don't click with him
I didn't think I would be a parent of a kid with a pile of additional needs and also one with a disagreeable personality- but I guess none of us do
I wouldn't change him for another child but I wish he were more placid and understanding

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 27/11/2022 15:48

PeachyPears · 27/11/2022 13:27

You should go easier on yourself

i don’t know any parent who genuinely likes both of their children the same.

People are different; personalities gel at times and not in other times - this is no different when it’s your children.

my own parents it’s very clear to see they like me more than my brother and we can all see why. He has ASD and is a constant drain on their lives, finances and emotions, I’m a much ‘better’ child in comparison so of course they enjoy my company more.

How do you think your brother copes? Does he see it or is he oblivious ?
I worry my son will feel crushed

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 27/11/2022 15:49

ThatshallotBaby · 27/11/2022 13:18

Hope you are ok today @pndorjustme

Thank you so much for checking in
I'm on the flight home now and I have Wi-Fi I'm just catching up here
I thought a lot last night
I missed my son and I'm going to be back with him soon. I really hope he has seen with some space from me just how much I do for him and how much I adore him. I wish I just liked him and gelled with him more x

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 27/11/2022 15:51

Cucumberbund · 27/11/2022 02:42

I completely sympathise with everything you are saying and have been there myself but I just wanted to let you know there may be huge changes in your sons behaviour in the coming year. It's know as the 'Age of reason'. It is a developmental stage that children go through where they can suddenly reason and understand the rules of society, better cope with discipline and organise their thoughts. Tfois leads to less frustration and stress in themselves and so less stress in your life.

I think it might help if you see this as a phase and not get stuck believing this is just your childs personality. It will take the pressure of both of you.

I have know several children who were a real handful at 6 and changed around age 7 to become really lovely children and teenagers.

Also if possible can you spend 20-30 min of set time with just this child everyday? I would suggest a walk and give them your undivided attention. It will probably be difficult at first but just try for a week and I think you'll see improvements in how you both feel.

Such a helpful and soothing post. I'm going to look into this, as it's not something I've known about until you mentioned it to me.
I can't believe how compassionate and kind everyone has been to me. I am so soothed x

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Zanatdy · 27/11/2022 15:52

I’m closer to DS1, I had him at 16 and it was just us until he was 8. He’s 29 now and we go on lots of holidays together. I love all my kids the same, but I guess I just have a different relationship with them all

Orangebadger · 27/11/2022 16:03

I have only skimmed through this thread but you sound like an awesome mum to me. You have a child who challenges you more and a very easy one, I can relate to that. But what you also have is an abundance of self awareness and and huge insight and concern into the impact this will have on your eldest. This is half the battle, I am sure you will find your way through this with the support you are getting.
In words of consolation, some of the most challenging kids I have met when they are young have grown into the most awesome teens and adults with the right support. I am sure you will find your way as will your 6 yr old.

binglebangle567 · 27/11/2022 23:29

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Blocked · 27/11/2022 23:37

I think it might be worth speaking to your GP. When you talk about feeling 'flat' and 'irritable' it immediately makes me wonder if your mental health isn't great - it can be hard to deal with a child with challenging behaviour when you're feeling depressed or anxious.

Tiiiiiiiiiiired · 28/11/2022 00:01

I absolutely love both my children to bits. I love them with equal magnitude! Both to infinity and back! But, I find one of my children easier to be around! I 'get' him and he gets me. I feel v relaxed and easy with him. The other one is adorable and the perfect child really, but I 'get' him less! I need to work a bit harder with him, his personality is more like my DH so they have a more natural bond I'd say. They r both amazing kids, I just relate a little differently to each one.

Boooooot · 28/11/2022 00:04

I love both of mine fiercely!

But I don’t like the older one much. And it breaks my heart everyday because she’s so lovely but I just don’t like her. We had a rocky start together and I think I’ve never gotten over my PND with her. I bonded I Stanley with my second baby and it’s further amplified the guilt and I made my relationship worse with my first one.

Weatherwax13 · 28/11/2022 00:38

I really empathise OP.
I struggled so much with one of mine. I had to push my resentment down - and yes, downright dislike often. Her extreme behaviour and attitude drove me to insanity. (Quite literally, some of the therapy I've had over the years was around the trauma I sustained). She was eventually diagnosed in late teens with BPD.
I raised five kids and absolutely don't have a Golden Child. They all tested me.
But this DD made me actively miserable.
Fast forward to her early 20s.
I still pinch myself.
It was like she flicked a switch. She's now a mature, kind, funny, very thoughtful adult.. Out of all the kids she's the one who msgs me pretty much daily and visits often. She's worked hard as a mature student and is doing a great job raising a DC of her own.
She's self aware and has therapy around her BPD and takes responsibility for this. I think she'll always struggle a bit and need support from me. But that's ok. I consider that a normal part of motherhood.
I'm really, really proud of her. And still amazed. I honestly didn't think we'd even have a relationship after what we went through in the earlier years.
So hang in there.

Original poster

pndorjustme · 28/11/2022 11:49

Boooooot · 28/11/2022 00:04

I love both of mine fiercely!

But I don’t like the older one much. And it breaks my heart everyday because she’s so lovely but I just don’t like her. We had a rocky start together and I think I’ve never gotten over my PND with her. I bonded I Stanley with my second baby and it’s further amplified the guilt and I made my relationship worse with my first one.

This is so painful for you and I hear you and I see you.
It's your problem, not hers. I am so sorry you have this internal battle. It's shit xx

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 28/11/2022 11:50

Weatherwax13 · 28/11/2022 00:38

I really empathise OP.
I struggled so much with one of mine. I had to push my resentment down - and yes, downright dislike often. Her extreme behaviour and attitude drove me to insanity. (Quite literally, some of the therapy I've had over the years was around the trauma I sustained). She was eventually diagnosed in late teens with BPD.
I raised five kids and absolutely don't have a Golden Child. They all tested me.
But this DD made me actively miserable.
Fast forward to her early 20s.
I still pinch myself.
It was like she flicked a switch. She's now a mature, kind, funny, very thoughtful adult.. Out of all the kids she's the one who msgs me pretty much daily and visits often. She's worked hard as a mature student and is doing a great job raising a DC of her own.
She's self aware and has therapy around her BPD and takes responsibility for this. I think she'll always struggle a bit and need support from me. But that's ok. I consider that a normal part of motherhood.
I'm really, really proud of her. And still amazed. I honestly didn't think we'd even have a relationship after what we went through in the earlier years.
So hang in there.

Gorgeous, honest and reassuring post xx

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 28/11/2022 11:51

Orangebadger · 27/11/2022 16:03

I have only skimmed through this thread but you sound like an awesome mum to me. You have a child who challenges you more and a very easy one, I can relate to that. But what you also have is an abundance of self awareness and and huge insight and concern into the impact this will have on your eldest. This is half the battle, I am sure you will find your way through this with the support you are getting.
In words of consolation, some of the most challenging kids I have met when they are young have grown into the most awesome teens and adults with the right support. I am sure you will find your way as will your 6 yr old.

You have really reduced me to tears. Thank you for your honest and kind post instead of shredding me for how I know I am being unreasonable about things but it's my problem not my sons and I don't ever want him to get a sniff of it. But I wonder if he does.
I would love to be close close close to him when he is a bit older. That would be such a relief xx

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 28/11/2022 11:52

Blocked · 27/11/2022 23:37

I think it might be worth speaking to your GP. When you talk about feeling 'flat' and 'irritable' it immediately makes me wonder if your mental health isn't great - it can be hard to deal with a child with challenging behaviour when you're feeling depressed or anxious.

It's only with him that's what I am asking can you have a PND with just one child?

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Original poster

pndorjustme · 28/11/2022 11:52

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I'm not being goady but I don't understand can you expand on this as I don't know what is wrong with the replies I have found them so reassuring

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Goldenbear · 29/11/2022 14:51

I think it is because you are being told that the problem is your child's challenges rather than your way of thinking.

SallyWD · 29/11/2022 14:59

I absolutely love mine the same even though they're very different. They are opposites in fact. One child is very easy and the other is exhausting! I tend to dote on the younger child more (the exhausting one) simply because they seem to need more help. I definitely love them the same though.