Children, do we love them the same?

[pndorjustme]

I will expand tomorrow but I want to know if you have more then one child. Do you love them both the same? Or all the same?

If you had a bad pregnancy and were sick/ had pNd/ injuries that left you changed for life: did you have good relationship with your child or did you gel more with another?

Can you have PND for one child and not the other or others so say you had one child you had PND with, did you bond with the other children and carry on feeling bad about one of your children?

I've got three and I gel with one more then any of them. It's my middle child. I am so close to him.

First child is really tough but also brilliant. I was left with life changing injuries after my pregnancy with them. They are going through an ASD and ADD diagnostic pathway. At home their behaviour is disruptive and damaging. Physically breaking as many of our things including their own as possible

Other kids have different dispositions
Not sure what I'm asking I'm offloading

Would a doctor be able to help me? If I say it out loud, I'm admitting I've got a block with one of my children

I feel so guilty and awful about it

I have different bonds with them, but love them both equally.

I read Sophie's choice as a young woman but it was only when i became a mother that i understood how horrifying the choice is. I find it almost physically sickening, the thought of having to choose between children.

I think for both of us, we find it goes in spells, usually linked to the behaviours they’re showing at certain ages.

For instance, 8 year old boy is currently going through a stage of being really contrarian- it makes having a rational conversation difficult. In contrast, his sister is easier to have a conversation with at the moment, so it’s nicer to spend time with her. Neither is loved more than the other, it’s just at the moment the dynamic is different.

Equally but not the same.

I might not be qualified to answer this but I have a 2 year old and a one month old and I love them both but at the moment I love the 2 year old more but I think that's because my one month old is essentially a stranger who doesn't have much of a personality at the moment but I know my love will grow for her as it did with my two year old and I'm sure I'll love them the same.

What strikes me is you have not mentioned your youngest once. I was reading your OP expecting to hear it was the youngest you had problems with, because, despite everything, you describe your oldest as 'brilliant'. What is the relationship with the youngest like?

Yeah parents always have favourites, but it’s rare you will find one that admits to this truth even anonymously . It’s human nature, everyone has individual personalities and some personalities you just gel with better than others (including your children). It doesn’t mean as a parent you don’t love all your children, but secretly there will be a favourite.

When my sister and her husband met and got married, he came with five children. Over the years each of them sidled up to my sister and told her, although their dad would not say it, they knew that they were his favourite! Now, that is a gift.

I think the whole mother's love thing is overrated. Offspring and the whole word seem to demand it, but if its not there, then it isn't there.
Mothers are held to too high a standard.

I love them both. I get on with my daughter better, and I suppose that means I like her more. She is much more like me. But I'd die for either of them

I would ask you (plead with you?) to try and resolve the situation. I had an extremely traumatic birth, where my mother and I nearly died. My mother suffered from extreme PND, to the point of a nervous breakdown. Decades of therapy make it plausibly clear that she never bonded with me or tried to provide the help and support that I desperately needed and as a result I have suffered from long-term mental health issues that have blighted my entire life. My younger brother's birth was very easy in comparison and looking back, I felt that my mother loved him and not me. Sadly he died very young and I can't help thinking that, deep inside her, she wished that it was me who had died and not him. She also died before I had the self awareness to talk about this with her, although I'm very sure it would have been at best a very confrontational conversation and I doubt I would have got an honest answer.

So yes, it can be very different with different children but please, please try and address this. I really wish you luck.

I have 5 kids (all grown up now) and although I love them all the same I get on with my eldest and youngest the most right now, but at other times I’ve felt closer to my middle children. I would think it’s quite rare to like your children equally, all the time, despite your best efforts. You actually come across as an exceptionally caring mum, and have absolutely nothing to beat yourself up about.

I think that mum's have different relationships with their children.
I am absolutely in love with my youngest, but he is almost like the icing on the cake, proof that I've overcome so much in my life- it's all come together. I was chucked out at 17, I had no one in my corner, I was completely alone with my eldest, I am now married, overcome infertility, and everything looks perfect.
However, I think I will always be closer to DD, we grew up together, it was just us for the first 3 years of her life. I created our life with her interests in mind. Her existence is the only motivation that I had for anything. I'm thankful that she exists every single day.
She probably doesn't even know how special she is, but almost 15 years makes our relationship feel so different to the relationship I have with my son. I gush at him all day, I'm so proud, but its different.

Personally, I think if you choose to have a child, loving that child is hardly a 'high standard'. The reality is you need to get over it a not be a 'victim'.

I think that we seriously underestimate the effects a bad pregnancy and birth can have on a mother/child bond. I wish there was more research around this, as I think it has a serious knock on effect and just a bit of understanding would help women so much. It’s seriously underfunded and under researched for something that is so unbelievably common.

It also doesn’t help that motherhood is sold as some sort of laugh a minute fairytale whereby if you’re not having the time of your life 24/7 something is wrong with you.

This. Please don’t beat yourself up OP. It’s hard having a challenging child and parenting is hard fullstop.

I also oddly find that I am better with our child that is most like their father.

and he seems better with the child that is most like me.

Love them both 100%

Food for thought though.

I completely sympathise with everything you are saying and have been there myself but I just wanted to let you know there may be huge changes in your sons behaviour in the coming year. It's know as the 'Age of reason'. It is a developmental stage that children go through where they can suddenly reason and understand the rules of society, better cope with discipline and organise their thoughts. Tfois leads to less frustration and stress in themselves and so less stress in your life.

I think it might help if you see this as a phase and not get stuck believing this is just your childs personality. It will take the pressure of both of you.

I have know several children who were a real handful at 6 and changed around age 7 to become really lovely children and teenagers.

Also if possible can you spend 20-30 min of set time with just this child everyday? I would suggest a walk and give them your undivided attention. It will probably be difficult at first but just try for a week and I think you'll see improvements in how you both feel.

Love all 4 the same. Very occasionally one is not very likeable but then situation is solved. All 4 are boys and I love them with a passion.And luckily they love me too. All good.
When one is being a horror OP, just try to ignore it a bit.
I do think 6yo is pretty young to be writing off your oldest though as " not so lovable". Very young. Wait till they grow up a bit. Let things slide.

Hope you are ok today @pndorjustme

You should go easier on yourself

i don’t know any parent who genuinely likes both of their children the same.

People are different; personalities gel at times and not in other times - this is no different when it’s your children.

my own parents it’s very clear to see they like me more than my brother and we can all see why. He has ASD and is a constant drain on their lives, finances and emotions, I’m a much ‘better’ child in comparison so of course they enjoy my company more.

I don't think you sound awful at all. It's really hard parenting a child with additional needs. There's no let up and even the best parent in the world is going to get a bit of compassion fatigue.

You said he was amazing and that you'd die for him, that sounds pretty loving to me. You just click better with your middle child, it's easier to have fun and spend time with him. Your eldest, it is more difficult and that drains you. It doesn't mean you don't love him or are a bad mum.

If it helps I didn't bond with my nephew at all until he was about 8. The talking thing really resonated because that is what he was like at 6. He has adhd but no other SEN. He is nine now and we get on so well. I don't find him annoying at all.

His little sister is now 6 and God I find her really trying. I really struggle to like her, she irritates the piss out of me. I've come to the conclusion it's just a really difficult age at the best of times.

Considering locking her in a cupboard until you hits double digits. 😂