To ask parents of mixed race children…..

[SunsetOverTheBeach]

….. how do you deal with the upset caused by racist incidents?

My son is in his final year of primary. Over the past few months there have been a couple of incidents were racist comments have been directed at him without any provocation (confirmed by staff at school). Different kids each time.

The school have gone through the necessary formalities (officially logging incidents, informing parents etc).

My question is how do you deal with the distress it causes? As a white person born and raised in the UK this is new terrain for me.

He came home heartbroken today.

We don’t have any thankfully but we live in a very diverse part of SE London which I’m glad about

I chose to send my DC to a very mixed school to avoid any such stuff. Where I've heard

Where I've heard of issues in friends school, it's been very clearly dealt with.

I think that is what makes the difference. We live in a little village which is far from diverse. I believe my son is one of 2/3 non-white children in the entire school. There are a couple of non-white teachers/support staff.

I moved my daughter to a more diverse school in yr 8 after she suffered repeat bullying throughout yr 7 in our small town local secondary that is mostly white kids

Poor little chap.

My youngest is from my second marriage and a different ethnic mix from my older DC. We moved out of London before he started school.

Frankly, when a couple of nasty incidents did occur, the obsession with counting and reporting instances up the chain at the expense of actually addressing the issue as a whole school irritated me intensely. Can you ask them to tackle the whole subject of race, diversity and bullying in assembly and lessons?

As for talking to your boy, I’d just keep emphasising that it comes of ignorance and reflects on them and not at all on him. What other social networks is he in?

Push the school to do more. It’s wrong that they’re not. I see your dc is in final year but think I’d still push. He has a right to feel safe.

Having endured racism in the 70s/80s growing up I wanted to avoid this for my dc. Picked an area that has a nice mix of people as well as people that looked like them.

What’s the secondary school like?

Weird thing to be thankful about 😂 I'm not sure if you meant it that way

If they really won’t react appropriately, bring it to the attention of the governors bee so calmly and politely. That should spur some action.

You deal with it in the same way that parents do of their black or other non-white heritage children, by speaking to your child and standing up for them when it happens....which I'm sure you're doing OP.

I'm mixed, my son is mixed. He has had to deal with racism many times from children and also teachers. I'm probably less devastated by it though when it happens, as it's all stuff I've faced myself over the years. I tell my ds that he should expect it might happen many times through his life, so that he develops the resilience and understands that these people are simply not good human beings. I also make sure that I listen to him if he's particularly upset by an incident, he is allowed to cry and get angry etc.

Of course all incidents I immediately raise and challenge...nobody gets away with it. Not on my watch and not with my child!

assembly addressing racism

But with very few pupils who are not white id worry they’d be targeted more.

have pupils even been suspended? Or is it just a report to parents? Imo it should be zero tolerance.

I'm mixed race and personally could not think about living in the countryside/somewhere so rural. Not meaning to sound at all accusatory when I say this, but did you think about your children and not just about yourself when considering a place to live?

This! Thankfully my children are in a very diverse school. I have no advise but I am so, so sorry and can only begin to imagine the pain you’re both in.

@MetellaInHortoEst he is part of a football team which is more diverse than his school (children from entire district). Trains and plays matches every week.

@Rummikub the secondary is a slightly more diverse mix but far from multicultural unfortunately. They do however have a very strong ethos re: nurturing/mental health etc so I’m hoping it won’t be an issue.

My kids are mixed face and we live in a very 'white' area. My DD in the last few months has been coming home saying she hates her skin and wants to have my skin colour (I am the white parent). She says her skin is ugly and my skin is more nicer. Obviously this upset me to my core and we have been trying to teach her all skin is beautiful and there is nothing wrong with being different to others. I've consulted her school who seem unaware of anything and she says no one said anything but I don't n ow. She's 6 years old btw. What's worse is she keeps referring to people by their skin colour and I'm mortified and don't know where she is picking this stuff up from. We do tell her off and we are trying our best to help educate her on it. I hate the fact kids have to lose their innocence so early on!

Mixed race**

@MetellaInHortoEst he is part of a football team which is more diverse than his school (children from entire district). Trains and plays matches every week.

Encourage that. Invite those friends to things. If you can find a third friendship group for him that is also more diverse than the school. I really think seeing aspects of yourself and your heritage reflected around you is a protective factor.

In all honesty I did not set out to raise my son in this country. I lived/worked/married abroad and never imagined I’d be back (beyond Christmas family visits).

Unfortunately my marriage completely broke down for reasons that were not my fault but I don’t wish to get into all that. I was left with no choice but to return to my home country and opted to live near my family for support. Nowhere in this nation is particularly multicultural.

@Keyansier I have lived with the guilt of removing my son from his father’s home country for years. I had no choice. I never planned to come back here. There are no multicultural schools anywhere around here. But thanks for putting the boot in by effectively calling me out for choosing a rural location for what you assume to be selfish reasons. This is not what I wanted/planned.

There is plenty you can do OP. You’re the parent left doing the parenting and you’re doing your best. You’re thinking about it and looking for different viewpoints. That’s half the battle.

Thankful there haven’t been any racist incidents? Why is that weird?

@MetellaInHortoEst none of the team are his heritage but I think you’re right - that is definitely something I should look to encourage. He currently doesn’t know anyone from his father’s country,. I think there is a society associated with the university that is though. I’ll look into it. Thank you!

YW. If you’re near a Uni then there is hope!

You child needs to spend time and see as many people that look like him as is possible.
Racism is so much worse when you feel like "a fly in milk". I say that as a black face in a rural white community.

@SunsetOverTheBeach my mother was in the same situation you are. Marriage broke down and she wanted to be near family.
Great for her, horrendous for me. She was being selfish. We moved from a massively diverse area into a town that sounds just like where you are.
If you have mixed raced children you absolutely have to factor their race into your parenting.

Where you live is the problem. Whatever you gain by having family close by won’t amount to what your DC loses. I’m sorry but if you chose to have a mixed raced child you have a duty to make sure they are around people like themselves.

You can’t ask for advice about how to deal with racists. They’re racist. You can’t deal with them. You're outnumbered & all the school policies in the world won’t fix it.You just need to get away from them. That’s really the only real solution.

Secondary school is hopefully a better fit then.

Yes to encouraging him to have pride in his heritage. And look to dilute the racist message. Still look at pushing the school. These attitudes must go now.