Losing the will to live now . Need to just make a choice

[Pastashapes123]

So I’ve not shared a bed with DH for about 7 yrs we are in our 30s . He snores he stinks he’s extremely large and I’m one of these weirdos that needs the perfect environment to sleep. Besides we keep different schedules as I often work till 2/3am because I can’t get anything done because SEN child is often off school and a really terrible sleeper so my career stuff fits in around that . We are both completely NC with all family and don’t have friends so splitting up is not an option as we are dependent on each other for so many things and just couldn’t cope financially or emotionally or practically on our own with all the various issues we have since our child was born. Anyway he’s ended up with the bedroom. I have the couch . It’s not fair as it’s really uncomfortable and I have to listen to the kitchen boiler clicking away and it’s draughty from the chimney etc etc I feel like a homeless person in my own house just going to bed every night with an old blanket in a cold dark room. I’m deeply unhappy and depressed and I just want a proper bed. I’m happy to make a room in the loft and I’d prefer that to giving up our tiny living room.and not having anywhere presentable to have guests since I spent years making this place pretty . It just annoys me as there are two super king beds upstairs with one person in each and I’m in so much discomfort and misery. I can’t ask him to move as almost every night he invites me to sleep with him and therefore he sees this as my choice, I don’t think I’d ever want to again to be fair , when we’re on holiday I always book 3 bed places but we’re in the priciest area , can’t move can’t do a proper extension so I think becoming an attic dweller is my only option. Has anyone else had to do this and can you just put mdf boarding up and then stuff it with insulation? I don’t care if it’s a bit rustic ( there’s already solid flooring but bare roof) .

This is so sad. How come he always gets the bed? That's completely unfair.

Why does a child have a super king, especially when they don't sleep a lot? OP you need to look at that too.

Because he wants to share it . It’s my decision not to. He thinks we will just start sharing a room again soon. To be honest we don’t discuss it. We’re both dead on our feet all the time and rarely speak to each other except to discuss child and we eat together perhaps once a week. Daft arrangement but no other options

I'd rather move in with my child than the attic, if you can't officially split. Does your husband know you've separated though? You sound desperately unhappy, I hope you can find a way through.

You can’t sleep in the loft, no. It’s uninsulated so will be freezing in winter anc boiling in summer.

Can you swap the couch for a proper sofa bed, then at least you are sleeping in sheets and a duvet at night? Ilea have some nice ones with storage for the bedding underneath.

Or swap your child’s super king bed for two singles (or a single and a double, or a bunk bed).

Oh he’s got a big bedroom and he’s a messy guy so by putting a massive bed in there it reduces the area he has to cover with legos and crap . He has a sort of hideaway den set up on it too. It works for him he’s waiting for more help with sleep and behaviour but it’s a long list .

Can’t share with DS those days are over . He won’t allow it and he’s very aggressive and besides he needs noise and light to sleep and I need silence and dark. I’m certain they swapped him at the hospital haha we are the least alike people on the planet .

To put it bluntly: You don't want to sleep with your partner, because you think he's fat and he stinks (which is a valid point of view to have if it's true). But the question is, is it about the bedroom? Or do you still want to be in a relationship with this guy?

Split the largest bedroom into 2 you and DH get a single bed each.

Have you an upstairs floor plan to see if we can help reconfigure a space?

Is the sofa a sofabed? Could you get one which is much more comfortable?

Why do you keep posting about the same issue?

What’s keeping you in this situation?! Finances? Fear? Religion? Denial? I think that will help us advise you.

We’re not in a relationship really we don’t do anything together and if we were able to live separately I would . We cannot afford it and DS is too much for me on my own . We don’t argue we are kind a respectful to each other and work together to make things survivable but I can’t say there’s any sort of affection or has been since Around the time DS was born. So many years now . .

I'm sorry to be blunt about this because I realise the practicalities make this extremely difficult right now... but the unsaid subtext to this is that you clearly really want to separate from him but consider it to be off limits.

The other solutions seem like sticking plasters over the fact that basically you no longer want to be with this man. How old is your DC? How severe is the SEN and would you be able to cope living on your own with him? Do you earn enough to be able to support the two of you?

It just feels like rather than worrying about which uncomfortable and noisy room in the house you sleep in you should if possible be working towards the goal you really want. I'm aware that this is almost certainly very difficult. But wouldn't it be better for you to admit to yourself that this is the real goal and work towards it? And to be open with each other about it?

Money . Our son . Loneliness? We are just trapped to be honest and I think fine with being housemates If I just had a bloody room to sleep in and keep my stuff in

He snores he stinks he’s extremely large...

Oh my word. That sounds grim.

Have you challenged him about it?

Get a proper sofa bed with decent mattress and some nice bedding. White noise machine and some earplugs

Sorry I don't know what happened to the flowers emoticon there.

It sounds miserable but you seem very clear that there is currently no option to split. The loft is one option - on a practical level, if a proper loft extension isn't feasible then insulating and putting plaster board up might work? I don't know if that's considered safe though - there may be ventilation issues?

If nothings else, maybe a good double sofa bed with your own bedding is an option while you save up for some work on the loft (if saving is feasible).

Get a proper sofa bed. And ear plugs.

You know your own personal circumstances, so I'm not going to be quick to shout "well just leave!" without knowing your position.

But still, you don't have to be relegated to the bedroom that's uncomfortable for you. Even if you don't see yourselves in a relationship, your voice needs to be heard too if you continue to live together.

At the very least get a proper sofa bed. You can get box spring ones designed to be used every night.

Can you partition one of the bedrooms as an alternative? Or properly convert the loft? Or move?

I've heard of "nesting", but only here on MN. Both parents agree to rent/buy a 1 bed flat, and one parent stays in the family home with the DC for a few days, then it's the turn of the other parent, so they take turns to either be in the family home or at the flat. You mention money is already a big issue, but you need a break from your current circumstances. Would the rental of a tiny flat be a possibility in the very near future? Rental prices for same where I live are currently around £600 pcm.

P.S. Look on OpenRent, where the rental prices appear to be capped.