Losing the will to live now . Need to just make a choice

[Pastashapes123]

So I’ve not shared a bed with DH for about 7 yrs we are in our 30s . He snores he stinks he’s extremely large and I’m one of these weirdos that needs the perfect environment to sleep. Besides we keep different schedules as I often work till 2/3am because I can’t get anything done because SEN child is often off school and a really terrible sleeper so my career stuff fits in around that . We are both completely NC with all family and don’t have friends so splitting up is not an option as we are dependent on each other for so many things and just couldn’t cope financially or emotionally or practically on our own with all the various issues we have since our child was born. Anyway he’s ended up with the bedroom. I have the couch . It’s not fair as it’s really uncomfortable and I have to listen to the kitchen boiler clicking away and it’s draughty from the chimney etc etc I feel like a homeless person in my own house just going to bed every night with an old blanket in a cold dark room. I’m deeply unhappy and depressed and I just want a proper bed. I’m happy to make a room in the loft and I’d prefer that to giving up our tiny living room.and not having anywhere presentable to have guests since I spent years making this place pretty . It just annoys me as there are two super king beds upstairs with one person in each and I’m in so much discomfort and misery. I can’t ask him to move as almost every night he invites me to sleep with him and therefore he sees this as my choice, I don’t think I’d ever want to again to be fair , when we’re on holiday I always book 3 bed places but we’re in the priciest area , can’t move can’t do a proper extension so I think becoming an attic dweller is my only option. Has anyone else had to do this and can you just put mdf boarding up and then stuff it with insulation? I don’t care if it’s a bit rustic ( there’s already solid flooring but bare roof) .

I understand the perfect conditions to sleep op. I’m the same. I imagine not being on the same floor as your dh and husband is a bonus. How big is your living room? This may sound like a wacky idea but if you have room, what about sleeping in an insulated tent with mattress inside? The insulation will muffle sound a bit and it would be like your own tiny bedroom inside the living room.

What I’m trying to say is, getting back to being you, whatever it takes is the priority.

*ds

Have you had a social care assessment? You may qualify for respite care.

Get a proper loft extension.

You do have options, OP. The first is to sleep in the same room as your child - either share the bed, or change the super king for a couple of smaller beds. Make the room a lovely shared space. There is no reason to be on your living room couch.

The second is to be very honest with your DP and say he has to sort himself out to be blunt, that you'll never be able to share a bed again unless he sorts out his sleep apnea or snoring or whatever it is, and sorts out his hygiene - else you'll both be very lonely people for the rest of your lives. It really is his responsibility to sort that out especially since he's forced you into such a miserable sleep situation for so long.

Or actually OP...just say it's my turn now and get your bedroom back and he can have the sofa. He might start making an effort to sort out his body odour and snoring then.

How much help are you getting with your DS? Why is he often off school? If it's because of behaviour then he is not at the right school. You need him in a school that he can reliably attend, every day, regardless of his behaviour. Depending on his age, as PP suggested, maybe a school that has a flexible residential option might help too. If not, then respite. (I do know how hard that sort of help is to get, I work in the system, but it sounds like the lack of support is destroying your lives.)

If your DH drives and neither of you have any ties and your DS isn't in the perfect school, then why don't you sell up and buy a 3 bed in a cheaper area a bit further out?

I do sympathise as it sounds like a dreadful situation but it is one of multiple extremes - you are non contact from family, smelly snoring husband, SN child who doesn't sleep, you are up until the early hours working each night..and your husband seems unaware...you need to sit down and have an adult conversation together.

Oh definitely, I'm sure the OP has a spare £30k + hidden under the mattress 😂

Op, your husband clearly doesn't know your separated. He wants to share a bed with you still! This is cruel and unfair he has the right to decide how he would like to proceed after knowing your true feelings.

I must be honest and tell you that your being unbelievably selfish by not finding a way to live separately.

There will be a huge amount of support available to you if you just look for it.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds very tough for all three of you.

On your practical issue, it sounds like the room where you sleep doesn't get much use as a family room, so if you've got a table and chairs in the kitchen then I'd turn the living room into your bedroom with a decent quality sofa bed (but leave it made up as a bed full time) and a bedside table and lamp, and look into fixing the issue with the chimney. Cheaper, warmer and safer than camping in the attic.

If nothing else get yourself a cosy duvet to sleep under.

Ah OP, this is big tough stuff, I’m so sorry.

I think in the short term there’s a conversation to be had with your partner around “To all intents and purposes, let’s be honest, we’re not a couple anymore, but DS means we can’t separate. Can we talk about how to get through the next few years in a way that is as good as it can be?” - be prepared that may be more of a shock for him than you think it will be.

Then I would say: yes. Do a loft conversion as cheaply as you can- it won’t comply if you eventually sell but that doesn’t matter for now. But make it as much of a refuge for yourself as you can- a cheap rug from Amazon, an armchair from eBay, etc- make that a focus for yourself, a self care project over the coming months when you can. You deserve a space that you enjoy being in.

Longer term- pursue work as much as you can. Agree one evening off each a week. Join something- a choir? A board games meet at the pub? Anything will do, you just need to find yourself a bit again.

Lastly- How old is your son and do you get everything you are entitled to in terms of benefits, short breaks etc?

Rooting for you.

Room divider and you get a single bed each. Earplugs to block out the snoring.
Don’t be a martyr - I’m saying this in a kind way!

I’d be pushing for an open relationship. Least then you could grab yourself a little bit of happiness elsewhere.

In your mind, you have already separated from your DH and you are now ex's who are still living in the same house out of necessity. You are assuming he's fine with this, but you've also said he invites you back into the marital bed every night and believes your sleeping in the living room is only temporary. You have effectively decided to seperate from your Husband without telling him.

No one on MN can solve the problem with your current sleeping arrangements for you. If a permanent solution needs to be found to give you each your own space, this inevitably means talking to your DH about the fact that the relationship is over and as far as you are concerned you are now housemates.

It is cruel to him keep him in the dark about the end of his own marriage.

Nothing to suggest that hasn't been said op, but wanted to give you I hope you find a way to find some rest

The first is to sleep in the same room as your child - either share the bed, or change the super king for a couple of smaller beds. Make the room a lovely shared space.

This is unlikely to be a workable solution for a child with SEND who is used to having their own space unfortunately.

Firstly, you need some couples counselling. I'm unsure if you are saying you don't love him anymore and he repulses you or that you just can't bear to share a bed/room and need quality sleep for your own mental health to be protected. If it's the latter you must be suffering the effects of bad quality sleep, feeling upset about your partner not getting it and also not wanting to sleep on a couch.

I've not shared a room with DH for 4 years but we both wanted that and still love each other and have a relationship. I swithered for years not knowing how to bring it up. It's a relief and my mental health is better and so is his.

If you can convert your loft with a small permanent stair with door then you'd have an improvement but you need to be able to discuss this and give your DH a chance to open up or to understand the reasons. It doesn't need to be over. But if you don't love him be honest with yourself, sell up move somewhere new and build a network for you and your child.

I sleep on the sofa sometimes as my dog does night time antics. I made it comfortable - got a new sofa (only ikea) that is long enough to properly lay out on (it’s not a sofa bed just a normal sofa), got a dressing gown with a big long hood so that it comes right up over my head and can go over my eyes (will also shield your ears from noise a bit). Will wear a fleece under it if cold. Got a proper bedroom duvet and pillow as well with footstool as bedside table.

Yes this a good idea

As cash is an issue and you say that you don’t spend time in the living room as a family, the easiest solution would be to sell your living room furniture and use the proceeds to buy a nice big bed and a desk to work at. Get some earplugs and make it your space. In your current circumstances it doesn’t sound like you would be entertaining guests, so use your space to work better for you.

It sounds like DS has killed your marriage along with your lives. You are a walking zombie, DH (reading between the lines) has coped through comfort eating.

First off, get a decent sofa bed and do what you must to sleep. Next, sit down with your husband and have a proper conversation. Do you still want to be married to him or is it the situation of caring for a SEN child that's the problem?

Next, look at respite and residential school. If your DS's needs are so severe he can't cope with school and requires full-time care, then he is unlikely to gain full independence. Your next bet is to push back against the system now because it's diabolical after the age of 18. Think, long term, about what all of you need to thrive.

Good luck, OP. It's unreasonable to expect one or two people to cope with the situation you've got.

I really feel for you OP, you’re in a shitty situation. Maybe it’s time to take a step backwards-get your name on the housing list, apply for benefits etc. just until you can get yourself back on your feet. Your mental health is obviously taking a battering and it might give you time to heal and create a new life with your son. I completely understand the need for breaks, having a sen child is so hard. I know it’s scary, incredibly so but it is doable.

Do you absolutely need to be in London? If you have no social life or family there then if you are well qualified can you not look to move elsewhere still as a trio and find a bigger house.

If not then scrap the living room and have it as your bedroom. If you have no social life to speak of and you don't spend time together as a family then it sounds like you have much more need of a bedroom than a living room.

Morning all . Thank you for your collective voice of reason. I’m making a big effort to get out of the house today for a walk , we’ve been cooped up too long following a virus and it’s compounded everything . This property is so awkward to live in at the moment and I think I need to let go of certain idealisms regarding the aesthetics and get my arse down to ikea with a sensible budget. Ds is still very young but is actually very capable and independent so will likely still get to go off to uni at the usual age with a little support . That’ll only happen if we do a good job raising him though and that means looking after us too. We have a summerhouse which I can’t afford to heat but it’s a space which makes a great den in the warmer months so summer here allows us to spread out and have our own space more . I shall put some furniture in there at some point this weekend and give the place a damned good clean ready for a new living / bedroom set up and use the loft as a workspace / hideaway . I’ll perhaps up my dose of my sleepy antidepressants again but they do make me gain weight which I’m precious about so I’ll have to balance that with some time at the gym / pool which while hard to initiate does seem to keep me out of the funk a bit . I was really upset last night so I knocked myself out with Benadryl and then got a good chunk of sleep which has made me see things a bit clearer for now.
perhaps I’ll sit on my phone while ds enjoys the skatepark and look at furniture .
DH eats and wears what I buy and I can try to help him to work on his issues when I’m my old self again but I’d lost all motivation so I can see why he has too. We always benefit from cheap outdoorsy U.K. breaks because of the exercise by default and nice scenery so I’ll prioritise getting an early season bargain scheduled to look forward to aswell rather than spending daft money on Xmas shite . I’ve got fussy wallpaper I adore in the living room so I’ll look for a bed couch that picks the main colour out in a plain fabric and use the original cushions . I was raised by elderly working class grandparents so I’ve had this weird house pride thing ingrained into me along with a lot of their stuff I can’t bear to part with too which probably doesn’t help.
thanks so much to everyone for kind words and common sense .