Losing the will to live now . Need to just make a choice

[Pastashapes123]

So I’ve not shared a bed with DH for about 7 yrs we are in our 30s . He snores he stinks he’s extremely large and I’m one of these weirdos that needs the perfect environment to sleep. Besides we keep different schedules as I often work till 2/3am because I can’t get anything done because SEN child is often off school and a really terrible sleeper so my career stuff fits in around that . We are both completely NC with all family and don’t have friends so splitting up is not an option as we are dependent on each other for so many things and just couldn’t cope financially or emotionally or practically on our own with all the various issues we have since our child was born. Anyway he’s ended up with the bedroom. I have the couch . It’s not fair as it’s really uncomfortable and I have to listen to the kitchen boiler clicking away and it’s draughty from the chimney etc etc I feel like a homeless person in my own house just going to bed every night with an old blanket in a cold dark room. I’m deeply unhappy and depressed and I just want a proper bed. I’m happy to make a room in the loft and I’d prefer that to giving up our tiny living room.and not having anywhere presentable to have guests since I spent years making this place pretty . It just annoys me as there are two super king beds upstairs with one person in each and I’m in so much discomfort and misery. I can’t ask him to move as almost every night he invites me to sleep with him and therefore he sees this as my choice, I don’t think I’d ever want to again to be fair , when we’re on holiday I always book 3 bed places but we’re in the priciest area , can’t move can’t do a proper extension so I think becoming an attic dweller is my only option. Has anyone else had to do this and can you just put mdf boarding up and then stuff it with insulation? I don’t care if it’s a bit rustic ( there’s already solid flooring but bare roof) .

That would be amazing but we’re in London and we run out of cash a few days before payday as it is . I’ve not been earning for a while for Various reasons and I’m just trying to get back on it now and get my career back. I’m actually really qualified with big earning potential but obviously no sleep and the child from hell isn’t conducive to this atm.

@Pastashapes123
I didn't realise you were in London, I'm in the Northwest so the rental price I've quoted would be like a weekly rent in London.
I feel for your situation, a good night's sleep is a human right, not a luxury. Something has to give in this situation, you'll become ill in your current circumstances.

Agree that if you could divide sons room up with a plasterboard wall it could give you a single room for yourself

Thank you. It’s a ridiculous situation to be in. I’m so tired and fed up. But then I’ve been tired and fed up for many years. I think it’s getting a bit older now it’s hitting harder and I think I thought I’d get the hang of it more with DS and be able to cope alone but it’s not gonna happen .

This is hard OP & you need space to sleep in comfort otherwise your health will suffer.

Can you afford to do an actual loft conversion? That would be the best solution - when there are complex needs in a household every person deserves to sleep in the way most conducive to them.

If not you could board out the loft & put a heater in there & make it as habitable as possible then I’d be tempted to try it. What’s the access like though & you need to consider fire safety & be able to get in & out in an emergency.
Cld you even get a proper bed up there?

Otherwise the sofa needs to be swapped to a day bed - like the ikea ones. Yes it won’t be as comfortable for you, DH & DS to lounge on to watch tv etc but you will have more comfort -at night which they have every night - so something has to give.

You can get chimney draught excluders to stop the cold air coming down & ear plugs & eye patch to block out kitchen noise /any other light if you have to stay put.

I just don’t get it? What are you looking for here? Mumsnet can’t magic up another bedroom in your house. You could rejig the house in many ways, like splitting the biggest bedroom, moving bathroom downstairs, splitting the lounge, using the lounge as just your bedroom (and making the kitchen a kitchen/living room). Or you could just either lay it out clearly to your partner, just tell him you can not sleep in the same bed as him at the moment, after 7 years there is not a chance in hell you are going to move back in, but that you want the bedroom 50% of the time. Then it’s up to him whether he takes the sofa, stays somewhere else or books a hotel. But really you need to make another comfy place to sleep or at least get a sofa bed, chimney pillow and some ear plugs at the very least.

have you posted about this before? I’m sure I’ve read this exact situation multiple times

Become an attic-dweller. No biggie, it’s not the end of the world. At least you’re not homeless. Just make sure you make it cozy, make it your own.

Is your husband aware that you don't consider yourself to be in a relationship with him? It doesn't sound like it if he's expecting you to start sharing a bed again.

OP please leave. If he died you’d have to do it alone anyway, that’s how I’d look at it. I get it. I was where you are 6 years ago, desperately unhappy but scared to do it on my own. “Not practical” “can’t afford it” “can’t parent alone” I honestly believed it too. But I eventually reached my limit and ended it. It was a big change to get used to but my god I’m proud of myself! And I’m so much a better parent and human being for it. I CAN do it alone. I do do it alone. My ex died recently anyway, but since we spilt it was pretty much just me and my DC. Also my youngest is SEN too. Thinking of you. Please please be kind to yourself, you deserve so much more than this.

I’d say so . We never eat together . We never sit in the same room . We don’t touch each other or chat ( we only talk about ds and take it in turns to do things for him) he drives , I haven’t been in the family car more than 3 times in a year. He might take ds out or I do . Never together because one of us always needs a rest . And that only started happening because I was sat on the platform all night daring myself to Jump infront of a train on the regs for a year . For a couple of years he didn’t do much for ds I had to do get that bad to make him step up . We both are broken and have lost our mojos I think. No hobbies , no nights out no friends . Never even go to a harvester . He’s an intelligent man, so he’s probably hoping we’ll be a couple again since neither of us stand a chance of ever getting out of this relationship . I used to try but I can’t be arsed now.

I physically , practically can’t cope though. I have no one at all . I wouldn’t know what to do , I don’t drive and I have almost no income freelance and barely manage to work . Also I sometimes need a break and I’m scared I’d do something crazy without that bit of a break sometimes . I haven’t had any sort of friend for about 5 years now . I’ve forgotten how to talk to people . I used to have a good job and savings and a social life but that person is completely gone now. I had a breakdown and I’ve been an absolute shell , a zombie ever since .

I don't think your cheap extension idea is legal or safe tbh.

But sleeping on a normal sofa isn't suitable either.

Can the living room be designed to be flexible so that it's a bedroom at night and a living room in the daytime?

For starters get a good quality, sprung metal action sofa bed, with a decent mattress and proper bedding for it. Or perhaps even a Murphy bed?

Perhaps consider a room divider or even something like a pony wall?

Have a blanket box cum coffee table for stashing the bedding during the day.

https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/ideas/the-24-7-living-room-pubbdec7210

https://designingidea.com/space-saving-beds/

Scroll down to "transforming beds"

The relationship is a separate issue of course. Have you told him how unhappy you are and that as far as you're concerned the relationship is essentially over?

Have you even looked into possible solutions to having enough income, support with ds etc if you were to properly split? (Or indeed if dh died) I'm thinking if it was 50/50 residency for ds then you'd at least get 3? Nights of total respite a week? Surely that would free you some time to make friends etc too?

Split the largest bedroom into 2 you and DH get a single bed each.

The dh snores so without a proper wall which I think would require planning permission health & safety assessment etc I don't think that would work.

@Bluesandwhites suggestion of "nesting" could work too?

I’d say so . We never eat together . We never sit in the same room...

Sorry but that rather sounds like you haven't actually been clear with him and whatever his faults that's cruel. You need to tell him as he has a right to decide whether to continue living with you if you are no longer in a relationship with him.

Do you not have a family social or support worker?

You sound absolutely broken OP. How old is your DS?
Appreciate it might not be well received but have you thought about residential care for him. Is this a possibility? If it is you need to seriously consider it.
Definitely invest in a decent sofa bed but do not treat it as a long term solution because it isn't. It's just to get you through to the next phase, whatever that is. You also have to speak to your DH. You don't have to be cruel you just have to insist that you need to sleep alone to be able to function properly and you are entitled to do that in a proper bed and not on a sofa.
If residential care is not an option then you should insist that you take turns having the bedroom. (I'd suggest week about so you can put fresh bedding on when it's your turn).
I don't think the loft is such a good idea but what about your room. If it fits a super king bed can't you partition that and put single or small double beds in or move DS into the smaller room and split his room?

You need to have an adult conversation with your not-partner about this.

Maybe he is also ok with the roommates suggestion, and you can divide a room up.

Maybe he isn't and you need to separate.

If you split, you'd still get a break when he had your ds.

The situation sounds untenable.

Do you have a YMCA type place near you? Arrange to go ‘ somewhere’ so you can firstly sleep, then get a sense of perspective.

I don’t think anything anyone suggests will help because you aren’t not in a place to solve this. Perhaps DP has some suggestions or ideas out of the rut.
Why don’t you speak about the situation? Is he worried about his weight? About smelling? About your relationship breaking down?

I would so like to suggest something to break though your depression and hopelessness.

1. are you on anti depressions? Go and see Dr- get some help
2. can you move out of London where things are cheaper and there is more space?
3. a friend of mine needed another bedroom and moved a galley kitchen into the sitting room and made a bedroom ( literally made the bed) out of the room that used to be the kitchen. This didn’t cost a lot.
4. How can you co-parent without living together?
5. do you want to be with your partner or is it definitely over?

Don”t lose hope- all 3 of you deserve better either together or separately. GOOD LUCK

In the short term (because the longer term will be so much easier if you could just get some sleep!) have you thought about a really good quality single sofa bed? It would be cheaper than a double, won't affect the main sofa, but would still be much more comfortable than sleeping in the couch. You could put a little bedside table next to it and 'cosy' it up a bit.

Sofa bed, murphy bed, even an ikea mattrass stuffed behind the couch is a better idea than the couch. Ikea has cheap mattrasses that are quite comfy and very affordable.

This is no way to live but only
You can change it.

If you split, you'd get more of a break than you do now as your husband would have custody of your child at certain times so your argument doesn't make sense. You're convincing yourself of something that isn't true - you CAN leave, you just can't be bothered/you're too exhausted to do it. Which is fine, but let's call it what it is. You have to sit down with your husband and start talking about solutions.

You'd get much more of a break than you currently do if you separated. Your DH could have your ds up to 50% of the time. There are also agencies you can approach regarding respite care. You are so low you've convinced yourself you simply can't do it but there are countless single parents in the same boat. You absolutely can. Seeing a gp and a counsellor is probably your first step. Explain the fact that it's making you suicidal at times. It probably seems easier just now to carry on as you are but it's not sustainable. You need to push yourself to change things for your own sake

Can you get a builder in to add insulation and make the loft liveable? I think having your own space you can retreat to could make a big difference.

If you really really can’t split up (and I think it’s more of a “think you can’t”), I would give up on the attic and accept that you don’t have a sitting room now: you have three bedrooms. Two upstairs for DS and DH, and one downstairs for you: get rid of the sofa, get rid of anything sitting room-ish, lock on the door, king size bed and proper mattress and duvet and bedding and everything.

You’re already living separately to all intents and purposes; you’re allowed a bedroom too. Sounds like DS’ bedroom is big enough for him to play in, he doesn’t need a sitting room too. DH doesn’t deserve one. Make it YOUR room, not a makeshift spot you’re banished to.

Why are you both non-contact with all of your family? That seems extreme.
Def buy a sofabed. I slept on one for 6 months after our house flooded. Just fold it up in the morning with the sheets still on it and put the doona and pillows somewhere out of the way for the daytime.

I'd walk away this is no way to live . In your 30's you have every chance of creating a happy life .