I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

He’s a bastard.

This doesn't sound like a healthy partnership op.
I have been with my dp for 5 years too and we don't live together but he earns 3 x what I do. I have a mortgage and 2 children and he rents. He pays for meals out (I also pay sometimes but mostly him) and he has just paid for us to go on holiday. He wanted to go, I told him I couldn't afford it but that he should go (it involved a wedding) so he paid for us both to go.
If he wants to do something with me and I can't afford to, he will pay and he is happy to do so.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your 'partner' otherwise this is just going to get worse over time.

He is a really horrible man. If I were you, I would sell up and start again elsewhere. You deserve so much more than him.

This is so odd. How you both can’t communicate. Sit him down, explain you’re low income and just don’t have the money like he does, you need to live within your means so he needs to go on his hols without you. Spend only what you can afford at Xmas. Just take control. I think it’s right you pay your way for living expenses, that’s your agreement, but I think it’s wrong he takes the piss and you feel pressured to keep up

He is an arsehole. Leave.

God, there is nothing worse than a man who's as tight as a duck's arse.

He sounds like a wanker, I don't understand how you made it to five years and a house.

He won't change. They don't change.

I hope this thread has also made you realise that you are in a bad relationship and you need to sell the house and get out while you are still young enough to meet someone else and have children with them.

and for the love of all that is holy do not have children with this prick! You are so young, move on and don’t settle for this shit.

You need to challenge him when he makes comments. Ask him if he really believes what he is saying. He is trying to shame you. Be assertive about Christmas and holidays keep telling him you can't afford it or do not want to spend that amount and he is free to do as he pleases.
If he carries on start joking back that someone's aiming to start the new year as a single man.

Your DP is abusive pure and simple. You need to sit him down and show his this thread.

Ignore the man calling us gold diggers, he's obviously a bit sore that even though his wife is at a disadvantage being female she earns more then him and he's keeping his masculinity up there by slagging women off (who mostly earn less due to having to take time off to have and raise children) and paying his way (except when they need a new conservatory)

I was in the same position with my ex.
I ended up in horrible debt just to try to keep up.
He would book "surprise weekends" or take me out to a fancy restaurant- but expected me to pay half of everything.
I felt ashamed that I earned so much less than him and tried to look like I could afford things, while my credit card bills mounted up.
I am wiser and stronger now- in most relationships one will earn less than the other and a fair agreement is usually worked out.

Our worth is not measured by the money we earn.

There are many of these people around male and female who have obvious or subtle contempt for people who have less money than them.You are not a failure but of course it makes no difference who tells you that, society is very cruel.You need someone who is more from your background, has empathy and does not want to make you worry about money.To have all these holidays when people around him are suffering and one sees homeless every day shows he is without awareness and has a high opinion of himself.But are you with him because you value money too much because of your background and are afraid of being poor without him?You may need to think about this.

He’s a financially abuse twat - run for the hills

This is probably a lot for you to take in but as others have said, please don’t have children with him. You and the DCs will be living in poverty while he lives the high life. I’ve seen threads here from women in a similar position, they can’t afford new shoes for the kid while partner has thousands stashed in the bank.

It’s hard to end a relationship and start over but do it for your future self and your future DC. One day you will then look back and think thank god I made the break when I did.

You know that feeling when you can see an accident about to happen, but you can't stop it and just have to watch?

If this was a film, OP, what would you be shouting at the screen?

Leave while you are still young enough to meet a kind man to have children with. This man is going to treat you and your future children badly.

God he is selfish!

no need for him to sub you, but he should be mindful of your financial limits and not pull you into debt

good God, run for the hills and don’t have kids with him

men like him won’t value your child rearing/maternity leave and will leave you in poverty whilst he bitches (“jokes”) about subbing you, whilst protecting his own money.

you’ll be poor and be responsible for all childcare (as “it makes sense”)

please listen to the wise women of MN, he’s not a keeper. Run.

If he desires your company on these holidays which you don't even particularly want, the least he could do is pay your fare out of his much higher disposable income.

This doesn’t sound good, not a sound foundation for a life together.
If his attitude is like this now I can’t see it improving in the future.

My dd and her dp split bills fairly so she pays a % to reflect her lower wage.
Fgs don’t have dc with this man he’s a financial abuser.

You've bought a house together, but you have not pooled finances! This is not a proper partnership. He sounds awful.

Apart from the fact that his attitude leaves a lot to be desired, he should be paying more proportionately to your salaries.

Suggest it, see the reaction and consider your future accordingly.

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him. You are paying far too much. We've been in various situations and always paid accordingly. When we met I was the higher earner. Then we had the children and I didn't work at all. Now I am part-time. My DH has only ever been fair and supportive.

Lucky you OP, you've found a Prince, oh no, he's just another frog. Please try to disengage yourself from this relationship, one person will be better off at the end of it and it won't be you.