I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

And please for gods sake DO NOT have kids without a wedding ring. I’m afraid I don’t see one of those turning up. Get out, if he loves you he’ll change his time…

When my DH and I bought our first house - I paid the deposit and - at that time - was the higher earner. But the house was in both our names and we were both on the mortgage; I didn't 'ring fence' the deposit. We/I never considered anything else as we are a team.

Our money has always been pooled for bills, holidays etc. but we take an equal amount each month for our 'personal' spending. Presents come out of joint funds.

I would present him with a spreadsheet showing your income and expenditure and ask him how he expects you to afford 3 holidays next year. This may not be the right approach, only you will know how he would react.

Sadly, I agree with pp - he is tight - and I expect that if he does not want to 'share' his money with you he will resent any expenditure on children, in the future.

I suggest that you reevaluate your relationship, as a life time with a tight man will be miserable.

He’s not a “partner”.

make sure your contraception is tip top - do not under any circumstances have children unless you’re married (and even then even though you’d have the legal protection of marriage I think you’d be in for a miserable time)

@C1N1C
It sounds a though you are fully supported if extra money is required. Men are biologically incapable of being expected to fund their mat leave and almost never their joint child. Men also do not experience the reduction of income, which comes with taking time off and becoming the primary caregiver, this is all presuming the woman doesn’t sustain life changing injuries or health problems.

People, mainly women, commenting on this thread have experience of this and have read so many threads of women being financially abused. The more ‘lucky’ ones, in marriages, can choose to divorce and try to access funds that way. Others, not so lucky, can be left destitute.

Please make sure your contraception is cast iron @Jessiejines . If you have a child, you will likely end up another financially abused woman, driving around a banger, with holes in your shoes/clothes, waiting for the reduced food at the supermarket, begging and borrowing whatever you need for your child whilst he wears designer clothes, swans off on singleton holidays and drives a flash car.

He doesn’t sound very nice.

This is just weird to me, doesn't seem like a proper life partner just a boyfriend or someone you are seeing that you happen to live with? If after 5 years and a house he's not trying to make you feel like a wife, whats the point?
I mean how is he just watching you struggle and allowing that? I'm actually surprised he let's you pay the amount you do! Honestly, if he's not going to treat you seriously soon I would cut my losses, rather be with a poorer guy who knew how to partner up properly.

It’s not unsalvageable - you need to communicate with your partner, say exactly what the problem is, our boundaries down and expect a plan in response that you both are happy with.

If he can’t or won’t engage then it’s game over.

And don’t like snide comments slide - pick up on them and explain why his attitude is unloving and unfair.

Approaches to finance are deeply rooted in our upbringing, experiences and personality, but if someone loves and cares for you, they will try to see things from your perspective and compromise.

I earn 52 DH earns 42 the money all goes in one pot. He will soon be earning 29 and it will still go in the one pot. That's called a marriage.

These aren't jokes. They are nasty jibes.

Please don't feel like a failure. 28 is so young. You have plenty of time to establish yourself with job and living circumstances, it doesn't have to be this way. A failure would be continuing to stay with someone who places his finances over your security and needs AND ALSO makes digs at you about it. Please, get strong and get out.

He earns four times the amount you do, buy on pays 55%?

I absolutely agree with what people are saying that it is a unfair split. My ex husband expected me go 50/50 on all bills & help him build his house back home but I told him were to go. He earns 2 k a month & I was still in process of looking for employment. Due to me wanting my own independence, he took advantage of it & expected me to keep him and myself at times. Don't allow this, if married whoever is earning more should contribute to the minority of bills. If the other on low income could pay for other things likes bits of shopping ect. Plz don't let ur partner fool u. You stick to ur values regarding what you can afford as simple as that.

Do not have children with this man.
This is not an equal relationship.
He belittles and demeans you. They are not 'jokes'.
He sees you as less than him, as freeloading, as dependent on him.
He exploits you financially. You pay half each when he earns 4 times as much.

You've made a terrible mistake, but have noticed in time.
Now you extricate yourself, and run for the hills.
Do not get pregnant with him.

You are not a failure for earning what you do, but your partner is treating you very badly and with complete lack of empathy. It’s not your job you need to change!

This is exactly what has gone on. He has pressured you into paying more than you can afford via these ‘jokes’. This is disgusting behaviour, OP.
At the very least you need to sit him down and spell it all out. You have felt pressured into paying more than you can afford, you have very little spare money and you need some savings. There is no way you can pay for three holidays. If he wants you to go with him he has to pay, otherwise he’s going on his own.
His response will inform you whether you should stay with him or not.

Those comments are not jokes. Why on earth are you with this pathetic person!

I think you just need to be honest and tell him you can’t afford Christmas. Make a spending cap or don’t buy anything. My partner and I don’t buy each other. We’ve 2 kids, but his family and my family always go daft at Christmas.
i don’t know how you can afford that for the mortgage anyway , I am on 32 grand and we both put money into a joint account for bills and there’s literally nothing left by the end of the month ( I have a couple of direct debits and kids so prob why. ) I’d be stressed too. Don’t do this to yourself.

we would rather treat ourselves to a couple of weekend cheese boards and movies during the festive season. Much better than gifts.

I’m another who will plead with you to not get pregnant to him, and to make plans to leave. When I started dating my DH, I was a poor student and he earned well. I did a long degree and he never once made me feel lesser, even though he paid for virtually everything. We have had time in our marriage where I have now earned more, but we have always had an equal partnership. All you have to do is scroll through all the threads on here and it will pretty definitively show that your shit partner will be a shit father. It will be harder for you to leave then. Do it now.

This is absolute madness. If he earns that much he's able to understand the financial implications of you earning a quarter of his salary!

Please consider if this relationship is viable long term. This is only the start.

I know where you’re coming from wanting to be at your own level money-wise & contribute equally.

I had the opportunity to marry a safe-bet, a few times. And didn’t fit this reason. He would have been bringing the house, car, holidays...

My DH is not a high earner & it’s hard financially. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. But we have a nice home & a happy kid.

That doesn’t sound like the most healthy of dynamics. At best, this guy sounds incredibly immature. As a relatively high earner, he’s clearly not stupid.

what are you classing as holidays? If it’s one week away and two weekend breaks, that doesn’t sound to bad. If it’s 3 proper holidays then that’s a really unreasonable thing to expect you to fork out for, and I’d be extremely worried in your shoes that they were so blind to your financial position, and not considering that the financial reality has changed with a house to pay for.

It seems a very weird way to treat someone you supposedly love. In fact I would feel completely unloved by that.

I can only echo what other posters have said. When dh and I moved in together there was a huge pay disparity- he own his property outright and took home about 6k, I took home 1500… we both put half of our salary into a joint account and that was that, I felt like I was contributing fairly not equally. We married and I took years off work to look after our children while he worked away from home. He’s currently not working and I’m full time so I’m paying in more and that’s fair too.

we’re a partnership. I hope you can have a really honest conversation with your partner otherwise it just won’t get better x

Oh OP I’ve never said this before to anyone but bin him. He’s revelling in earning more than you and making you feel shit that you can’t keep up. He sounds as tight as a submarine door and that in itself is a sackable offence 🤢 how have you not got the ick?

The massively disproportionate amount, relative to your incomes, you pay to shared living costs, relative to your incomes, means you are subsiding him. He’s sponging off you. Deliberately. The ‘jokes’ are to Keep you in your place so he can keep sponging off you.

Stop reframing you being ripped off by this tight arse man as ‘virtue’ as you want to pay your way. Wake up to the fact that as has got you both paying your way and paying a good whack of his too.

This man is awful and it will just get worse after kids. You’ll see even more of this side of him then.