I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

You moved in with a right twat.

So did I, but after children, and a stern talk we now have a joint account; all of our money goes into the joint, the bills get paid, we deposit a little into saving and then we have a reasonable, and equal amount of ‘fun money’ in our personal accounts.

Even he, who was unsure on having a joint bank account says that our funicular life now is a lot less stressful and admits we should have done it long ago.

You live together, I assume you want to make a life together; that means being considerate of eachother - if you do eventually have children then how will finances work then? You’ll be paying in more money, left with nothing. While he’s paying in the same and able to galavant off on still maybe two holidays a year? He needs to kick his arse into gear.

He sounds vile

because I can't deal with the jokes such as "you couldn't afford the house without me", "I pay more for the house", so I'd rather pay as much as I can so I can't have those jokes thrown at me.

These aren't jokes OP ^^ he's rubbing it in your face. It's a pre-cursor to financial control.
You need to review your situation, work out how much of a "partnership" it is and act accordingly.
And please, please do not have children with this man.

My DH was always on more than me when we lived in the UK and he would sometimes make comments.

I now earn a higher hourly wage than him but do less hours because my job is stressful AF (nurse) and I’m actually injured atm so not at work, just at my basic salary (and shift allowances as per the previous 3 months that I worked prior to my injury). Consequently because he does more hours than me, he gets paid more than me because even though I worked FTE hours almost every week, my contracted hours are what I get paid for.

Sometimes he will make comments about earning more and I just say “you earn more because I’m not able to work and make up shifts, but I’m on XX per hour so if I could work, I’d be the main breadwinner and I know you don’t like that fact that my job is more important than yours!”

Sounds awful to say that I know but truth hurts and when I do say that, and he complains about me saying that, I gently remind him that he brought the conversation up!

His attitude stinks, the digs the seeming lack of comprehension around what is affordable. Having said that I don't think £600 a month all in is expensive, in this area you'd pay that for a room in a house share without bills. You'd not get a one bed flat for that amount.

Absolutely.
He doesn’t respect you, he values money too much.

The jokes aren't jokes. Nobody who cherishes their partner would ever want to make them feel bad. Not only that, this guy is actually getting off on being the higher earner. It makes him feel good that you earn less than him. It's quite sick.

You've talked about kids in the future and that he'll be working away for stretches. This will put you in a financially even worse situation as it will impact your work. Who will get the kids after school? Who will be up all night with a teething toddler or a colicky baby and then work full time, then come home and organise meals and do the washing etc. Who will the school or nursery call when a child gets I'll/bangs their head and needs to be picked up early? It's not impossible, but it's very hard to keep your career going and do those things without support.

This man doesn't mind if you suffer. Give yourself the Christmas present of a better future, with someone who cares about you and wants the best for you. Don't be afraid of being sad it's over (that will pass far faster than a lifetime of living like this) and don't be afraid that 28 is too old to be single. It's definitely not.

And I agree with posters saying it's financial abuse. Remember abuse is always a choice and is always linked to a power play. His choice is to undermine and put you down by "jokes", to actually take you up on your offer of paying more than you can afford and then to pressure you into spending even more money on non-essentials that jeopardise your daily security as you don't have an emergency fund for car breakdowns etc.

His choice is to be ok with you struggling and not help. His feelings of superiority come from you being in that struggle while he's not.

It's horrible.

He only paid £4000 more towards the deposit than you, given his earnings and savings he had a greedy mindset to consider putting a contract in place.

when i bought with a previous partner we agreed the share we would own upfront and paid deposit/ongoing accordingly so neither of us were subsidising the other (eg he was paying his 1/4 for a 1/4 of the value of the property).

Holidays - you should pay /go on what you can afford- if he wants to go on more holidays than you he should pay for you to go- or go on his own- same for everything really!

OP I've always earned less than my husband. Initially that gap wasn't huge, but after having kids, working part time, and him climbing that ladder, he was earning more than 3 times my salary.

He has NEVER, not even once, suggested he owns the house, or joked that I live off him or couldn't manage without him. Quite the opposite- he was worried that I wouldn't manage financially without him and so took out life insurance in case that worst happened.

He pays some bills I pay others, but we both have exactly the same spare cash at the end of the month to spend as we wish.

Pooling resources is not necessarily the only way to do things, but it's very clear that a) your current set up is grossly unfair, and - more importantly - your partner is being a bully and an absolute dick for mocking or teasing you about your income.

While I could suggest you sit down and discuss a more equitable set up, I honestly don't think it's worth it - this man is not kind and will absolutely screw you over if you have kids.

Sorry OP

You really are being financially abused here. I bet he didn't get a lawyer to protect his deposit he was too embarrassed to tell them that you weren't going to get your deposit ringfenced and that you'd just share in 50% of the sale price less his deposit.

When I was a young woman I ignored red flags about men because I really liked that person and fancied myself in love with them. I tried to become what I thought they liked. (My mother used to laugh about some pseudointellectual I took up with and I was reading serious books to impress him before I found out he was into group sex in the suburbs with middle aged people !) I have got to say though nobody I went out with attempted to take advantage of me financially though I am fairly sure that some had an eye on my very good salary and nice lifestyle.

I know you have invested five years into this man but I'd beg you to pull up. I think you are mature enough now to take a really hard look at your "partner" and see what he is doing. He has got a very nasty mean streak. His jokes are not funny because he means them. He has almost managed to manoeuvre you into paying for nearly half the house (including your deposit) when you earn a quarter of his salary. Notice though that he didn't have four times your deposit. He is pressuring you as well to go on holiday with him when he must know you can't afford it. He is not concerned about you getting into debt. You are not being boring if you are trying to live within your means and have money put by for emergencies. He just wants to have sex on tap on holiday and have you pay half of the bill including the mortgage..

Under no circumstances should you marry him or have children with him or any combination of these.

This is not something that can be sorted by having a chat. Anybody who would set you up like this is not a good man. People very rarely change their basic natures outside a truly lifechanging event. Deep down, your partner is a selfish prat. No amount of talking will change that.

See a solicitor to find out your rights. If he stumps up that £15,000 he can buy you out. Do not be soft or obliging about this and you must get off the mortgage. If he wants to buy you out, he has to become liable for the mortgage for an increased amount and you are removed. If he can't refinance, I guess you can tell him he can't afford the nice house either. Then it would be sold.

I am pretty sure your life will improve in all sorts of ways once you get rid of him.

Goodness this. This isn’t the start of a life together, he’s a thoughtless fool. Get a solicitor to help you extract yourself and get a fair share of the house, and all your money back from the sale, not just your deposit.

He sounds quite awful

This is abusive. How you can't see this is worrying.

If he's like this now, I can't imagine what he would be like once there are childcare costs. OP, read all those threads where the woman is on her small part time wage, paying for the child care and kid's clothes etc etc, while the high earning man "works away" ( and ends up running off with a younger model ).

You have a house together. You have been together 5 years. You should pay proportionate to what you earn or share your money.

This this, this,

Why are you with this prince among men? he sounds horrible

Furious for you- please extract yourself while you can before you end up giving your job up when you have kids because it is expected that you pay for the childcare. Don't let some misplaced sense of pride cheat you out of seeing what a "real" relationship should look like in terms of mutual support. (You are being exploited- he knows what your responses would be to the comments about the house). I wish you the very best of luck.

@Loopyloopy has a great idea to spend some time reading the relationships board about other women in similar situations. I’d also do some research into the difference between being married and just co-habiting as you don’t seem to be aware of that.

I’m also wondering how cooking and chores are split. Does your partner insist on making sure these are split evenly?

You talk about having DC and going part time. You can’t afford to do that without being married. I suggest you ask your partner casually how he sees finances being split when you are on mat leave. His answer will tell you a lot. If he says that you’ll be using your savings as your contribution he is a bad bad man.

People are suggesting that you end the relationship because they have seen this before and they know how it goes. I’m adding my voice to that chorus. Find someone who truly adores you and wants to make a life with you as a team where everyone’s contributions are valued equally

Why on earth would you have children with this man @Jessiejines ? He doesn’t care about you at all. And those aren’t jokes so stop saying that. They are nasty passive aggressive digs.the best thing you can do for yourself now is spend your money on some counselling to open your eyes to this situation. It’s not normal.

a couple of things on this.

no it doesn’t seem fair at all - contributions should be proportionate to wages.

the comment about the agreement to get his deposit back - surely that’s sensible though? Dsis and her bf bought their place and they have an agreement like this. If they split and house sold they each get there respective deposits back first after repayment of mortgage then the rest is split 50/50.

either way I think you need to have a chat with him about the situation. Make him understand.

55% / 45% split is not a fair split when you earn 4 times less than him. I’d speak to him. Someone on 20k per year is of course going to struggle to pay for 3 holidays plus half the mortgage / bill etc.

Your not partners, you’re tagging along in HIS life. There is a subtle and corrosive difference. He is ‘allowing’ you to join in his plans, but you need to keep up. That’s abusive and not love. One would help the person the love.
My partner (now DH) lost his job so we immediately combined money. We’ve never separated them. Team players help each other, this is every man for himself model. I’d prefer to do that on my own Op, but you need to decide what you want. It won’t be easy, but I’d be tempted to ask if he’d buy you out. Then leave.

Sorry this is shit for you.

Absolutely agree

Please do not get pregnant to this man.