AIBU calling DH atrocious for not wanting to 'cook' anything more than frozen oven food.

[BeingHappy]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, feeling nauseous throughout the day and the smells of raw meat/the fridge/cooking smells eg onions frying, veg being steamed really sets me off.

Anyway an argument with DH really spiralled tonight. I asked him to help me out after he gets home from work (he is usually home by 6.30pm, not a.stressful job) he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative' to which he said that was rude.. which made me cry and I sort of spiralled. Anyway, eventually said I needed him to step up and do the cooking but it needs to be something more than frozen fish and chips. And he said that's all he knows how to cook, he doesn't know how to cook anything else. And I called him atrocious.. he said he would never say anything like that to me. AIBU for calling him atrocious?

By the way, his cooking is generally awful and the most he's ever usually managed to 'cook' is sticking frozen stuff in the oven.

Sorry but I just don't understand so many women decide (presumably) to get pregnant with an immature man who needs to be asked to 'help' with normal tasks like cooking. Then suddenly realise they are useless as a partner. Why???

I feel sorry for him. He’s got another 20 weeks of you acting like a Princess and thinking you’re the first person to have a baby too :(

the cooking issue is irrelevant, you’re treating him like shit.

If you read all the OPs updates the DH asked what she wanted because it was about what groceries to get and everything is making her feel sick she he wanted to make sure he got the right stuff. Quite thoughtful really. If he had gone and got the wrong stuff he would have got another earful so he couldn’t win really

Yes I think when I said 'use your initiative' it was because I was fed up of him being blind to what we'd need grocery-wise etc.. I admit it was mean. He said he asked what I wanted because everything makes me feel sick and he didn't know what to get.

Majority of houses don't need DIY every day. Most don't need plugs changing every day, or gardening done every day. But every household needs to be fed every day. So yes, the OP overreacted but his helpless child act must be so frustrating.

I think you are being unfair. And you don't know what "atrocious" means - what a thing to call your husband - ridiculous.

This. ⬆️

I think the majority of us managed to get through pregnancies without acting like we are made of glass or using it as an excuse to be horrible to our partners.

I bet you don’t treat anyone else like this so you somehow manage to rein it in then.

I like this advice. You do need to mentor him into learning how to cook.

MN is full of people who meal plan religiously and cook every single meal from scratch - as a result, they don't seem to realise that millions of families up and down the country live off freezer food, tinned food and packets without managing to die of malnutrition

I can cook but I can't stand it so I don't bother. DH can cook the basics but again he doesn't enjoy it so tends not to bother.

Not everyone is a foodie and not everyone cares about having home-cooked, freshly prepared meals with massive salads or several portions of veg 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wanting your partner to cook you something that isn't chicken nuggets once in a while when you're pregnant and feeling like shit isn't acting like a princess, fgs.

And it's not just about the next 20 weeks. It's about the newborn stage, and the stage after that, and then if the OP goes back to work is it going to be a choice between chicken nuggets or the OP taking on 100% of the burden for shopping and cooking healthy meals for the whole family for the next however many decades because her husband is being deliberately useless.

I grew up in a family where one parent refused to cook. Everybody resents it. And now they're of an age where the parent who does cook is becoming increasingly frail, I (a 35 year old who lives a long way away and has her own family to take care of) worry about how they are going to feed themselves in the long term.

I don’t particularly enjoy cooking as the task of 20+ years producing family meals has taken the joy from it. But I do it. I also collect ‘easy’ recipes.
Your husband is pathetic. In this day and age there are so many sources of information.
I suggest starting very gently with how to sauté an onion. That’s the basis for loads of curries & mince/chicken dishes.
I have an app called Paprika that I strongly recommend. You can download recipes from websites or put your own in their. Both my sons have it and I share recipes with them so they can use them at Uni. They’re not foodies but manage fine because that’s what grownups do.

Wanting your partner to cook you something that isn't chicken nuggets once in a while when you're pregnant and feeling like shit isn't acting like a princess, fgs.

While I am a big supporter of everyone should cook.

You don't just get on with someone who doesn't and hope they will magically change and get shitty when they are the same person you got preggers with. Similarly if man would get suddenly shitty to his wife because she doesn't cook.

There’s a huge spectrum between “foodie” and “oven chips every night”, though. There are plenty of options that a near-40-year-old man should be able to manage that aren’t frozen food or massive Mumsnet salads – and aside from which, he should be able to use his initiative instead of expecting OP to be his emotional support animal issuing instructions.

I once read a recipe book designed for old widowed men with no clue who to do anything in the kitchen whatsoever. It included ´recipes’ for making cups of tea and orange squash (as in, pour squash into cup to about one horizontal finger depth, then fill with hot water from a kettle or cold water from the tap.

This. If you can honestly say you can do everything that he can round the house, fine. But I bet there are certain things you leave for him to do. How would you feel he left you with one of these jobs and he just said 'use your initiative?'
You also cannot expect him to ensure you are happy and calm throughout your pregnancy - highly unlikely and a completely unrealistic expectation. Relationships and parenthood are about working together and finding compromises. He may not cook (I get it's annoying) but if he's great on all other aspects - why are you challenging him especially when in actual fact he was prepared to cook. But you weren't satisfied with it being a frozen oven meal.

This is a great medium- to long-term plan for learning to cook. But the OP's situation was a short-term one where she asked someone who she knew couldn't cook to do so with no advance warning.

I agree that the timing isnt great but it sounds like this has been bothering the OP for a while and she just snapped.

The best time for her to tell her husband it's time he learned to cook was before she got pregnant.

"Hey DH, I love you and I know that cooking isn't your thing but if we are going to have kids together you need to learn some basic skills because I won't be able to take full responsibility for the food shopping and cooking when I'm pregnant and taking care of a newborn and when we have children to feed. I need you to step up. Where shall we start?"

The second best time is now.

No. The best time was to clear up she wants equal in a kitchen at the beginning of relationship....

Can’t believe how many woman believe a man ‘can’t’ cook. What a crock. He’s just always had women do it for him and doesn’t see why he should bother. Not even for his pregnant wife. If he’s got eyes and and read some words, he can follow a fucking recipe.

And while the OP may have lost her shit at her useless partner, I’m suspecting a mixture of pregnancy hormones and being fed up to the back teeth with a useless fucking manchild who is shirking responsibility for something as basic as feeding himself, has got on top of her.

Well atrocious is a pretty strong word. Meaning "horrifyingly wicked", and often used to decribe really awful things like genocide. So yeah I would say YABU for using that term for someone cooking you dinner just because it's not to your liking.

He is generally so wonderful but takes criticism very poorly.

To be fair, if DH told me I was atrocious and must sleep in another room I wouldn't take it well.

And the beginning of the rest of their relationship is today.

he said yes he would and what would I like help with. I was in the wrong when I replied with 'use your initiative'

No, you weren't in the wrong. He lives in the house, yes? SURELY he can think for .2 of a second to see what needs doing. He's not a kid with a star chart for doing chores ffs.

I love it when people say “Oh, she should have done this at X point”. Equal to “why did you have another baby with him?” None of us have a time machine so what use is it? And I think plenty of people make compromises in the early days of a relationship that later on become unacceptable – people change, priorities change, children come along and suddenly there’s less time, energy and tolerance for your partner refusing to be an adult about something as basic as feeding the household.

Lessons for those who are reading this?
Lesson for future for OP?

It's totally fine to point out why someone is wrong and that they should have address the issue earlier

There’s a huge spectrum between “foodie” and “oven chips every night”, though. There are plenty of options that a near-40-year-old man should be able to manage that aren’t frozen food or massive Mumsnet salads – and aside from which, he should be able to use his initiative instead of expecting OP to be his emotional support animal issuing instructions.

But OP knew he couldn't cook anything more than freezer food and chose to marry him and have a baby with him anyway. It's a bit silly to expect him to change how. Not everyone can cook or cares about cooking a decent meal.

She also says the reason he didn't use his initiative this time is because lots of things make her sick at the moment and he didn't want to get wrong, which is perfectly valid to me m.