To think being a young mum isn't all that bad?

[Peedoffo]

I had my DD young , I had just turned 20 9 years down the line and life is very good. Still with my DH. I was told that I had ruined my life by a few people. Own our own home very healthy income. The only negative I'd say is I've had to build a career juggling a child. Completing university and masters degree I only have 1 DC because of this juggling would have liked 2 with a smaller age gap but hey ho. It hasn't been world ending I have taken DD on numerous trips she's been to Australia , Singapore , USA and all over.

I'm just wondering where any young mums feel the same ? Things have fallen into place very well.

You have been lucky. Is your DH older than you? Most people at 20 lack the financial means to independently support a family without relying on benefits or relatives, and simply having a child can limit your options education & job wise as childcare is expensive.

He's 6 years older than me.

You're lucky as it's hard for many. Some of my friends who have had children young have been unable to get on the property ladder and it's really delayed them career wise.

It depends on your situation i think, a lot of people who have kids under 20 usually have more money problems and struggle more than someone settled in their 30s would but obviously that's not always the case. I had my Dc at 28 and 31 so i wasn't young or old i was just the average age i think but there's two sides to being a young mum i think, there is pros like Being close in age to your Dc and becoming a grandparent younger etc but there's also a downside of not being able to enjoy being young and having to grow up quickly

I think the point tends to come from if you can't support the child. You can be a great parent and be supporting all their goals, but if you can't pay for their housing and food....it is going to be judged by people.

I'm not a young mum, but I did an Access course as a mature student, and met a few women on that course who'd had children young — 16, 17, 18, say. By the time some of the women in my class were in their early to mid twenties, their kids were all in school, so they'd decided to go back to school themselves to do the Access course, followed hopefully by a degree and a career. I know from chatting with them that it's not at all easy, but I guess it can mean that you have your kids when you're young and physically fit, and perhaps your own parents are young enough to offer some help — and if you then want to do other things with your life, you have the benefit of a slightly more mature attitude to it and perhaps a better idea of what you want to do. The women I knew who managed to stay on the course would've graduated only a few years later than a typical student, knowing that they wouldn't then have to choose between an uninterrupted career and having children. I guess you do have to be lucky in other respects, probably have family support, and be able to put in a lot of effort. Having come from a background where none of my schoolfriends became young mums I'd not previously considered whether having children early could have its benefits, but I can definitely see positives in it if the circumstances are right.

I had my dc young. I can't imagine I'll ever be financially secure, or own my own house.
There's no guarantee I'd have been financially stable had I waited, or that I'd have met someone after their father and I split up but before I got pcos and might not be able to conceive any more.

I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't feel like I missed out on "growing up", I didn't particularly want to go out partying/travelling etc.

And I'm still young enough to have a career if/when my MH stabilises enough.

I didn't do an access course but I did the Open university when DD was around 1?? Then I moved to a brick uni a few years later. I got high grades because I was determined to succeed. I didn't have that drive before DD was born. I wanted to prove people wrong and make my DD proud .

Peedoffo that is so fantastic. I was going to say my friend who was a teacher said her best pupils were in her case the few who got pregnant young as in some cases it gave them that drive and a reason to do well in life, I think that’s incredible when it goes well as it must be hard

Yep I met some brilliant women on that course.

I was 17 when I had DD, DH was 19. It was incredibly hard for the first few years, it makes me want to cry thinking back to how much we struggled. We're lucky in that me & her dad stayed together so I had his emotional & financial support throughout, although I know that isn't the norm for the majority of teenage mothers.

DD is 13 now and as a family we're in a good place, DH worked his arse off and is earning a good wage, I went back to studying last year so hopefully should be able to start my own career soon, we've travelled a lot, even lived overseas for the last 4 years, we're in the process of buying our first home and DD is doing well.
Like you we only had one child, I would've loved more but now we're in a position to have another I feel DD is just too old, we're finally getting to a point where we're getting our own lives back and I just don't want to start all over again.

As happy as we are now then I'd still be absolutely devastated if DD came home and said she was pregnant at 17, I'd love her to spend her late teens and early 20's having fun and establishing herself in the world without the added worry of motherhood and all that comes with it.
If it did happen though then I know it's not the end of the world.

This is exactly how I feel! I would have liked another DC but DD is 9 and going through the primary school runs again for the next 10 years fills me with dread 🤣🤣🤣 also starting again with zero sleep. DD is pretty independent now gets herself dressed , brushes her teeth can use a microwave , make her own drinks 🤣 going back to a tiny utterly dependent baby scares me.

I'd also wouldn't want DD to get pregnant very young but if she had a good partner that makes things a lot better. It wouldn't be the end of the world or ruin your life like people are fond of saying. I certainly wouldn't pressure her to abort like I've seen some MNers say.

MN always sell these stories there's nothing wrong with sharing your experience but to sell it as though it's common or the average life is not the case.

My mum had me at 17, my brother was born 2.5 years later.

You have been to lucky to meet a GOOD man you stayed with and like the other poster asked he was 26 so it's quite different. It depends on family support and what path also they encourage you to go down.

Settling down too young can be unhealthy too no time to explore and the same young woman you was at 20 won't be the same woman you are st 35. People grow and change

Just want to add to your post when you have kids at 17. I think you can start again because you are still young, I know you would have a gap... but people do it. My mum had 2 more after my brother so there's 10 and 13 years between my younger siblings

Most people with anything about them will make it work either way. There’s pros and cons to both.

I find it a little tiresome when people comment like the PP that it was fine to have children young because they didn’t want to ‘party’ anyway. A very restricted and rather immature idea of what’s possible in life when one doesn’t have caring commitments. I hope their life expands and they realise how many options they have.

"there's nothing wrong with sharing your experience but to sell it as though it's common or the average life is not the case."

Exactly this. It's great that you're a home owner and have had the funds to take your dd all over the world, but most people in their 20s can't afford to do that. My married dc who has just turned 30 is desperately saving with her dh to get that golden deposit to be in the fortunate position of owning a home. You've worked hard and made the best of having a child so young but it's disingenuous to make it sound like your situation is anything other than very unusual because most people your age would be struggling financially more than you even without having had a kid!

^^

I know a few people who did it ‘this way round’ - had their babies young and finished their education in their late twenties. Nothing wrong with it and quite sensible in many ways.

We had our first when I was 20 and DH was 22. That child is 19 now and we’re just entering our 40’s. It was tough, but we were lucky to be doing it in an era of child tax credits which kept our household afloat through the more difficult times. DH and I are also still together which I think has been key, he has supported me through pregnancy, mat leave, retraining and I am now the higher earner where he has steadily built up his career and is happy taking his foot off the gas a bit. We had a second child when I was 27 and is also now hitting real independence. I think I’m going to love having my 40’s as a time when I can explore and travel and do all the stuff we didn’t do in our 20’s. But with the cash to do it properly!

I had DD1 when I was 18, DD2 when I was 21. Absolutely no regrets! Me and DH are married and own our own house. It worked out well for us.

I was a young mum, a teen mum in fact. First was an accident but we planned the second when I was 21.

We had very little and relied on tax credits but we werent poor relative to other people in the area. We bought a house early 2000s on my husbands non-skilled wage and my partime one. No deposit.

I went back to college and uni when youngest was 2. Grants and loans paid for childcare and topped up DH income. Qualified as a professional and worked my way up. Husband meanwhile worked his way up in his industry. By the time they were both in high-school we were comfortable and able to support them in way we never were.

Both are doing really well even by mumsnet standards.

Wouldn't change a thing. It worked out well for us but it would be basically impossible to replicate it now. We wouldn't have been able to buy a house and although you can still get support for education you're left with 10s of thousands of debt rather than the nearly 10 thousand I was.

To be honest I don't find having 1 DC incredibly expensive, it's one lot of after school care bills , one pair of new shoes. My SIL who has 3 (she's 40) is struggling they have a 5 bed house and rely on ILs for money because they can't afford to heat it. We could have upsized but have stayed put for now because life is very comfy, we also don't have very flash cars. If I had go on to have lots of DC and bought a house at max budget , expensive car on finance we might well be struggling especially now in this economy.

@freyamay74 reading these make me feel out of place about my own childhood. Although some women will be around 39 to early 40s and my own mum is 51 now.

But this fabulous life was not my mums experience or remotely similar. Even girls my age .... there's no way they could just buy a house with today's costs.... so I don't think that narrative should be pushed.

When my mum had me council houses were easily to get my mum a couple of times and stayed near her own mum.

They're cheaper when they are little too. Mine didn't go without when we were poor. We did have a very supportive family too who would buy winter coats and shoes and things.

Once they were older it was expensive trips and electronics and driving lessons and supporting them to study but by that point we had the means to provide them.

Looking at the responses it seems, sadly, that the key is having 2 of you around.

I think this too, I've never been into bad boys even as a teen. I wanted an intelligent man with potential, DH was actually unemployed when we first met but I could tell he was very intelligent and would go somewhere in life. DD was unplanned condom split when we were backpacking in China and couldn't find where to source the MAP. I think it does definitely help if you meet a decent man young.