To think being a young mum isn't all that bad?

[Peedoffo]

I had my DD young , I had just turned 20 9 years down the line and life is very good. Still with my DH. I was told that I had ruined my life by a few people. Own our own home very healthy income. The only negative I'd say is I've had to build a career juggling a child. Completing university and masters degree I only have 1 DC because of this juggling would have liked 2 with a smaller age gap but hey ho. It hasn't been world ending I have taken DD on numerous trips she's been to Australia , Singapore , USA and all over.

I'm just wondering where any young mums feel the same ? Things have fallen into place very well.

I wasn't as young as you but was relatively young. No regrets at all- I knew that having children was what I wanted to do and being younger makes the pregnancy, birth and early years easier physically and maybe mentally as well. I'm happy to know that (all being well) when my kids are old enough to leave home, I'll still be young enough to start a new chapter. I have a good career- maybe I'd have got further without my children but for me this was the right balance to strike.

I have friends who've had their first babies in their 40s and that's been the right timing for them. Pros and cons to every approach.

I was similar. Had DD1 when I was 19 and another at 22. DH and I are still together fifteen years later and very much in love. Our careers took a hit - we didn't graduate until 30 from uni - and I'm in a lower paid job than DH now as I'm starting the career ladder from the bottom but it's definitely not ruined my life.

I think we're lucky.

Again I think it depends on your situation, my sister had her first at 17, partner was a scumbag who has nc now. It was tough and a lot of people really judged her for it but my family supported her. I think that's what made the difference. She now has 2 degrees, owns her own home, has a really good job and has done really well for herself. Her 2 kids are polite, respectful, kind and well raised and we're all really proud of her and them. That being said I know lots of others who maybe don't have the same family support and that's been much harder for them - they haven't been able to progress in their career or get certain qualifications because access to childcare has been a huge barrier for them.

I'm glad things worked out well for you

Sorry pressed post too soon.

I'm glad things worked out well for you. What stood out to me in your posts is that your DH is really supportive - I think that makes a real difference to the outcome of women who fall pregnant young and their children.

I can also see this in the case of my sil who married very young, at 19. At that point she was unemployed and had no qualifications but with the support of my brother went on to get a degree and progressed very well in her career. 8 or 9 years later and they have also sold their starter flat for a million dollar one.

I'm always amazed by the first time mums on here that are 35 or nearer 40 and thinking that's normal.
To me it's very old but that's because of my local demographic
20 is an ok age and the ones I know personally had kids that age are in a stable relationship with the partner from school and still with them 19+ years later.

My closest friends daughter would cause a lot of mners to grab the smelling salts. First child at 19, the 2nd 11 months later. However her and her husband have a fantastic support network in place. Both parents(childrens grandparents) on each side of the family still together after over 35 years and positively engaging with support.
Where I live it is common to have children young and fairly big families.
Not everyone wants to travel and see the world or have high flying careers. A lot of people are family orientated and home bodies. Each to their own.

You are clearly doing well for yourself, well done. However, your partner is quite a bit older than you, and probably had finished his education and/ or started a career, so that financial stability is not something everyone has. And, quite frankly, most people under 30 cannot afford their own home (at least where I live), children or not.
my parents had me at 20; I had a privileged upbringing- due to the family support (monetary and with childcare) that enabled my parents to finish their education and build their careers (although I do have 2 younger siblings - one 10 years younger).
so yeah, it might be very different if you are middle class with lots of support, have an older partner with a steady income… than coming from a family that is struggling already and cannot offer any support.

There's a class aspect to this.

A WC woman who won't ever go to uni or travel might as well have dcs young when it's much healthier to do so.

The 'advantages' of being an older Mum (education/ career/ home ownership/ travel) will never happen for some WC women. There are no pros to waiting.

As for the pp who asked about the views of the dcs. I talk to my now adult dc about having a young mum. He liked that I was fit and healthy when he was young- could run around the park together.

We also have a lot in common as our childhoods are only 20 ish years apart so quite similar (watching live tv/ videos/ no internet etc). Whereas my youngest dcs childhood are unrecognisable to me!

He says he has much more drive to succeed in his career than the comfortably MC kids at his RG uni. He saw me working my way up so doesnt take it for granted.

I'm not from a wealthy background , my DF is a civil engineer so it's a good income but not massive. DHs parents were a nurse and supply teacher. We didn't really receive much money from them MIL very occasionally babysits..We lived with MIL for a brief time until our house completed to move into...

I wasn't a teen I was 20, I'd say there's a big difference between 16 and 20. Me and my.DD are very very close. I can be a bit silly playing games with her , jokes I guess that's my age . She has said she likes having a young mum especially at the school gates but she doesn't know any different.

I don’t think you can really say being a young mum is bad/being an old mum is bad. I had my kids really young, younger than you. It’s all worked out well and I’m happy with my life (although I’m back retraining at uni now to have a good career and it’s hard). But I hope my girls don’t have babies young, I want them to go to uni, get really good careers, follow their own ideas and dreams, because when you’re a mum you are basically a mum. Your life is dedicated to your baby in a way often a man doesn’t understand/doesn’t do. So many men walk away but mums usually don’t. I want them to be realistic about how hard it is trying to juggle NMW wage jobs and childcare with young kids, realising you need to retrain as an adult, not being able to give your kids as much as you want to etc.

But on the other hand I think there can be downsides to waiting too late, and I disagree when people denigrate young mums. Most of us are trying our best and aren’t doing any worse than anyone else. But I think it’s hard, so I’d advise anyone to wait until they are secure in themselves.

Full disclosure
My husband and I do come from wealthy backgrounds which enabled me to marry at 21... baby 23 and effectively retire at 23

As i said I think money makes the biggest difference and OP it sounds like you're blinkered off you think it's easy because the average 20 year old or 23 year old does NOT have the money or setup we do

I drive a big new Audi and always have since I was 21, a top 3 car basically and a 4 bed house

If you think you're not privileged you are wrong

I partied a lot when I was young but I STILL occasionally feel jealous seeing my friends out!

I think you don't realise you're the exception and I am too, as opposed to being the rule

If I'd made a good match when i was young i think having kids then would have been great. I'm of the generation that's pushed it to late 30s, most of my friends have managed to have their families but there was a lot of angst involved.

think it depends on the support available.

If my child was happy (and ideally in a stable healthy relationship) then I'd be thrilled. If being a mum is what she wants then I'm 100% behind her whenever that is. Nothing in life is guaranteed even with the best plans so you have to make the best of it.

But we are in a privileged position which makes a difference. I fully intend to provide as much childcare and night support as they need and work around them...working, going to uni etc. and I'm happy for them to live with me in the family home as long as possible because we have the space. So it's very different to being young single with no affordable childcare or free warm place to live or a flexible stable support system.

My friend was a young mum and it was hard for her moving away for council housing and it was isolating for a while as her family were working full time shifts so they werent always around. But her kids are brilliant and they seem very happy. I cant imagine how hard it was for her though.

Well it's obviously a very very different life for many teen and young mums, than the middle class up bringing you've had. You may not think it, but you both have relatively wealthy/middle class parents and this has clearly helped you. You lived with one while you were buying a house, they've have helped financially (many people do not have this luxury). It's ludicrous, and actually pretty insulting, for you to suggest that they were not particularly wealthy and you didn't benefit from this. There are vast amounts of young women on the breadline, or worse, who do not have these opportunities and who cannot sufficiently provide for the children they have when very young. A very blinkered view.

I guess that's why not many people criticised Kylie Jenner when she had her first baby at 20. She was very wealthy already so it was a non issue. I wouldn't say we come from rich backgrounds but our parents weren't on the breadline. DH is very careful with money , I'm trying to be and it's paid off..

I would have made a terrible young mum. Would have resented staying in. I just wanted to go clubbing, travel and visit music festivals in my 20s Everyone's different though.

I think it really is dependent on the support systems you have in place, and perhaps the expectations you have of yourself. I was 19, and I have a really good life, I just did things back to front really.

The one benefit I do believe though, is that I'm a little more in touch with her age group than her friends mums. I don't believe a lot of them realise the dangers of social media! We live in a "nice" area and her friends parents were late 30's/40's when they had babies. My DD is 11, the only one without tiktok and snapchat, which just blows my mind.

I do skirt around the fact I was 19 with my daughter as it isn't what I'd want for her. I did well out of it but I'm not sure she'd have the support system I did (extended well off family are all older now/moved abroad)

I'm also really strict with social media absolutely no tiktok, YouTube is censored. I remember getting horrible messages on bebo and Facebook when I was a teen. She's allowed Roblox but I read it 🤣🤣. I think my daughter hates I'm tech savvy..

You and your DP were/are very privileged to have been able to afford (or had parents to afford if your DP was unemployed at the time) to backpack around China and visit other foreign countries. Your DP is also quite a bit older than you. Most 20 year old mums with working class parents won’t have had the privilege of travelling abroad like you did. If you are your DP were both 20 and from working class backgrounds then you would’ve struggled and missed out on a lot.

DH worked incredibly hard throughout uni as a HCA he saved every penny he had to go away. He was looking for his first graduate role. I worked in a processing plant while studying to afford that trip . We also stayed in hostels which were around £7 per night in dorms.

Didn’t you say your DP was unemployed at the time? I’m not sure what a HCA is but he was much older than you and had years of working to save for that trip. Also privileged that he could quit a job to go travelling. Flights and visa are expensive even if you did stay in hostels.

At university, all my student loan went on rent, food and books. Didn’t have time to work. You are both still very privileged to have been able to afford a long trip to China. You also had the privilege of being able to stay with your DP’s family with a baby to save up for a house. I’m just saying that things would’ve been different had you both been the same age, had to rent and struggled to afford childcare. My parents were also in their early 20s (younger than your DP) and they struggled.

My Mum was a poor, badly educated young woman and money was an issue for many years. I had no idea about any of that as she was loving and fun and I was happy. She was more or less a single parent for years as Dad had buggered off to study.
We didn't have material wealth but I had a good childhood. My grandparents were very hands on and I never felt poor or badly off compared to others.

Your post is great and I think OP should read it at least 2 times. I think OPS lack of awareness is bordering offensive im shocked to read that especially back in "those days" she didn't and quite clearly doesn't see the benefits of a professional job her family gave her.... it's not just the money aspect its the motivation and PATH... someone to show you the easy road in life..

I think people also can get defensive on this topic being a young mum does not mean your a bad mum however THIS example right here again isn't the norm so you could easily fall into a poverty trap. Going clubbing at 40s isn't the same at when you are 17-25!

I say that as someone who is 31....

@Fannyann0 I totally stand by what I said and agree she is oblivious.
Where I live, which is Margate- I am the exception 100% and I know it would be regardless of where you live in the UK if you're 20 with a baby a home and a husband and don't need to work!